Halloween Candy
Title: Halloween Candy
Pairing: Leslie/Ben
Rating: R (but not until near the end), before that, it's pretty PG.
Timeline: After Recall Vote but also post-season 6.
Summary: Three years of Halloween candy.
Notes: I wrote a bonus scene (last part) that was not posted on tumblr. Oooh.
October 31, 2013:
"So, I just lit the Ben-pumpkin’s candle. It’ll be dark soon. Where’s the candy?" Leslie asks eagerly, practically jumping up and down, as she steps back into the house.
Ben had agreed to be in charge of the Halloween candy this year, ever since she had confessed way back in early September that every year she usually ends up eating almost all of it herself because she always opens the candy bags early. And since it’s their first official Halloween together as a married couple, she’s curious to see how this system will work out.
He grins at her before briefly leaving their living room and then quickly returning with her traditional, big orange ceramic bowl filled up with...Tootsie Rolls? Teeny-tiny boxes of Junior Mints? What the hell?
She walks over to examine this further. Is he hiding the good stuff on the bottom?
"Ben, where’s the candy?" She asks again, poking through everything.
"Right here."
"What? This is not...are you joking with me?" Leslie glances at him and then back down into the bowl again, clearly disappointed.
"What?" Ben looks confused, like he has no idea what he’s done. How can he have no idea what he’s done?
"We can’t hand out Tootsie Rolls and Junior Mints! Are you serious? Where are the Snickers and the Peanut Butter Cups? The Sweetums Gusherz and Nutz ‘N Stuf? Jesus, Ben, where are the M&Ms?"
"But those are all the candy bars that you like...the ones you said you eat too much of every year! You told me you didn’t want to do that this year so...I thought-"
"Well, those are the ones that everyone likes!" she yells, causing him to take a step back, eyes wide. Wait? Is she overreacting? Leslie considers this. Nope. She’s not really. This is important. "I just wanted you to get the candy and then hide it from me until it was time to hand it out to trick or treaters." She examines the bowl for a third, incredulous time. And...it’s still just a bowl of crappy candy no one wants.
"No. No. No. No," she shakes her head, continuing. "We are not giving these out. We are not going to be a crappy Halloween candy family. People in this town already hate me enough. You...” Leslie pauses to look at her husband through narrowed eyes. He looks...well, Ben looks a little scared. She feels a bit bad about her reaction, but honestly, it’s justified. Tootsie Rolls? What the fuck?
But still, she should probably try to get this under control just a bit. “You are a wonderful, sexy, sweet, loving husband, but you are the worst candy buyer in the whole world and I am really annoyed at you right now.”
And really, logically, Leslie knows there’s probably a part of this anger that is still about losing the recall vote. That she’s probably giving this candy situation a little too much weight, and that she’s taking it out on Ben. And yet...
"What? Why?" He finally responds, still looking a bit shocked.
"Because now I have to go out…on Halloween at four in the afternoon and buy replacement-candy! Because we are going to be a good Halloween candy family. Just turn off the porch light until I get back and think about what you’ve done.”
Leslie turns around to leave, but can’t resist sharing one more thing with him. “Do you know who buys Halloween candy on Halloween, Ben? Do you?"
"Um…?"
"No one! Just me! There better be good stuff left."
"But what should I do with all these Tootsie Rolls?"
Leslie gives him a look, before saying, “do you really want me to answer that?"
"Um. Wow. Okay, you’re serious? You’re really mad that I didn’t buy better candy?"
"Yes."
"And you’re actually suggesting that I should shove these Tootsie Rolls up my-"
"Yes. And don’t forget the boxes of Junior Mints also."
"Okay. Well, I’m not...going to do that.” There’s a slight edge to his voice now that tells her that Ben is probably starting to get a little annoyed with her too. Fine.
Leslie glares at him, but bites her tongue. Instead of saying something else in anger, she sighs and moves in for a kiss that thankfully, he returns. “I love you so very much.”
Sure, she’s still a bit ticked off with Ben, but she’s never, ever going to walk away and leave the house without telling him that she loves him, especially if she’s mad. But when she pulls back, before he can even respond, she adds, “but you have done a terrible thing and I will not forget this."
Leslie can’t help slamming the door on her way out.
October 31, 2014:
He’s hates waking her because she’s only been napping for about 20 minutes, but Leslie really should eat something. Plus, she’s going to need to feed the babies again in a bit and he wants a few quiet minutes alone before the mass-chaos that comes with trying to breastfeed two of the three triplets at a time, while he takes care of the third one with a bottle of her previously-pumped milk. Then they kind of switch it all up half-way-it’s like a very complicated game of musical chairs, but with breasts and tiny, 10-day old infants.
Leslie is on the bed, kind of propped up against some pillows, asleep and lightly snoring in her sweatpants and a t-shirt that he’s pretty sure she’s been wearing for the last two days. Of course he’s not really judging because he hasn’t showered since..well, he’s not sure. Not yet today, that’s for sure.
"Hey," he whispers, gently rubbing her shoulder. "Honey."
"Yes Mr. Vice President?" The reply is groggy as she starts to respond.
"Um, no-"
She opens her eyes fully and looks at him, smiles sleepily when she realizes it's him and not Joe Biden.
“Ben. Hi."
"Hi. I brought you a banana."
"Is that a euphemism?"
"No," he holds up a banana. "It’s an actual banana. You should eat this. Keep up your strength..for all of the lactating."
Leslie makes an uninterested face at his fruit offering but takes it anyway. But instead of starting to peel it, she lays it on top of the bed, right next to her.
"So. I wasn’t really expecting this many of us yet on Halloween this year..." he starts.
"Oh my god! It’s Halloween!" Leslie blurts out, clearly surprised by this information.
"Yeah," he confirms. Ben watches as she starts to get up too quickly and then grimaces, making an unhappy noise. She gingerly lies back against the pillows, Ben gently guiding her back. Her stitches are healing but it’s a slow process.
"Hey. Stop. Just stay put. What do you think you’re doing?"
"But we need to get ready to-"
"No we don’t. Everything’s fine. My mom is going to hand out the candy this year. And if she’s busy helping us up here, we’re just going to turn the porch light out. Plus your mom will be by later too. And also, just so you know,” he gets up, goes over to the dresser, and brings back her orange bowl. It’s filled to rim with Snickers bars, M&Ms, Peanut Butter Cups, Gusherz, and Milky Way bars.
"Oh, Ben," she looks at him, her eyes starting to tear up. "You got good candy."
"Of course I did. Because we are a good Halloween candy family. And also, I got you a present."
"A Halloween present?"
"Yes. But first, again, I really didn’t expect for there to be all five of us...out and about this year, so-"
"They were anxious to get out. And we were anxious to meet them," she says, interrupting him.
They smile at each other-the silly grins of the truly happy and the truly sleep-deprived.
Ben can’t even begin to process that just 10 days ago he was holding onto her hand so tightly at Pawnee Saint Joseph Medical Center, while Dr. Saperstein lifted their daughter and then one son, followed by the other, carefully from his wife’s abdomen. He’s really just been running on instinct and doing whatever his mom, Marlene, Ann (over the phone), or Leslie tells him to do this last week, since they’ve been home.
The fact that he’s a father is still more of a theoretical concept at this point. But he's pretty sure he loves it. Loves his wife and his children--his family, more than he ever thought possible.
"Now, again, I wasn’t planning on us actually using these this Halloween, so they’re too big for newborns. And obviously, even if they fit, it’s not practical, but next year I was thinking..."
"What? Ben! Stop explaining. Show me. What did you get? I want my present!" She sits up a bit more, but much, much slower this time, and without any obvious signs of pain.
Ben opens his bedside table drawer and pulls out the three little Halloween costumes from their hiding place-red, blue, and yellow M&M outfits. They’re soft, plush, padded fabric circles attached to onesies, and they’re completely adorable.
Leslie makes her I’m about to cry face as she takes the little outfits and pulls them onto her lap.
“Oh."
"I thought it would be cute this year to lay the costumes out on your belly and take pictures for Halloween, but then..."
"We got to meet them early."
"Yeah. I bought the 9-12 month sizes, so they can actually wear them next year. Or, later next summer if you just want to dress them up as candy one day. I’m assuming that you’ll probably want to do that."
Leslie nods. “You are so sweet. Oh my god, these are adorable. You are the best husband, father, and candy buyer in the whole world. I love you."
"I love you too. Hey, you should eat your banana."
"Okay," she says as she reaches into the candy bowl and grabs a Snickers instead.
"Babe. That’s not a banana."
"Shhhh…It’s okay. Chocolate is good for milk production."
"I don’t think that’s accurate."
October 31, 2017:
It’s late. Well, late at night when there are excited three-year old triplets upstairs that are finally, thankfully, tucked in, and sound asleep. In reality, it’s only around nine.
Both Ben and Leslie are in the kitchen at the table, assessing the three huge piles of Halloween candy spread out before them. Although they were with the kids when they got all their trick or treating candy, it's truly impressive outside of the pillowcases, all spread out and heaped into three piles.
"I can’t believe they got this much!" Ben says, looking down at all of the small, brightly wrapped candy bars, before he gets up to fill a glass with some water from the pitcher in the refrigerator.
"I can," Leslie tells him, clearly quite proud of her progeny. "Are you kidding me? The cutest kids in Pawnee? An adorable little Princess Leia, Han Solo, and Chewbacca? And the Chewie is in little green glasses? I’m telling you, our kids are perfect and amazing candy-magnets."
"Well, that’s certainly true," he responds, reaching into a cabinet for the bag of pretzels, and continues talking. "So I was thinking, we can let them pick one piece to have each day for the next few days, and then we can tell them the Halloween monster came and took the rest. Or do you think that’s too scary? If so, I worked out a few other possibilities for how to take the candy away. I have a spreadsheet that lists out some possible scenarios..." Ben turns back around just in time to see Leslie unwrapping a fun size Milky Way and popping it into her mouth.
In front of her there also empty Almond Joy and Snickers bar wrappers that were not there when he got up just mere seconds ago. How did she eat those that fast?
"Um, what are you doing?"
"What?" She asks, her mouth full of chocolate.
"Are you eating the candy?" He clarifies.
"What? No. Of course not." Leslie picks up another Snickers bar, starts to unwrap it.
Ben gives her a wary look as he leans back against the counter.
"It’s okay. I’m going to take equally from each pile, so it’s fair," she tells him.
"Leslie, you can’t eat all of their candy."
"Why not? I thought you didn’t want them to eat that much? Besides, it’s not like they counted it or anything. They’re not little numbers-robots," she teases, smirking just a bit. "Although, Princess Leia looked like she was trying to...we should keep our eye on her. Are you teaching her math?"
"No. Maybe. That’s not the point. No one, not you or our children, needs to eat this much candy."
"Sure. But some of the candy is okay."
"One piece a day," he repeats his stance. "And you’ve already had three."
"I understand your need to candy-audit, babe, but it’s small Halloween-sized candy." She argues, but puts the Snickers down, smiles, gets up, and walks over to him.
"Yeah, but-"
"Besides, the kids are not going to know if I take a little candy off the top," she tells him, leaning in to give Ben a kiss. "Unless you tell them."
"What are you, a wiseguy now?” He jokes, making her smile. “Leslie..."
"Ben," she teases back. "Although..."
"What?"
"That’s actually not my favorite type of...candy." She gives him a flirty little smile, then gets down on her knees in front of him.
"Oh yeah? Um, what’s happening now?" He asks, starting to grin-but really, he does have a pretty good idea what’s happening now.
"Well," Leslie looks up at him, all pouty lips and twinkling eyes, as she carefully unbuttons and unzips his jeans, tugs them down to his knees. "You’re a very smart man. I think you can figure that out."
"I think you’re on a sugar high and now you’re trying to get me to agree that it’s okay for you to eat more of our children’s Halloween candy."
She nods. Tugs his boxer briefs down next. “Maybe. Is it working?"
"Yes." He pauses to shudder as she leans in to kiss skin and then lick along his upper thigh. "Keep doing that, and you can have all the Halloween candy you want. It’s not like they can count yet."
"Yay!" Leslie exclaims and then, after a few kisses and more sweeps with her tongue, takes him fully in her mouth.
"This is probably not a winning moment in parenting history," Ben mutters, making his wife laugh lightly in response, her mouth vibrating wonderfully all around him.
October 31, 2013: Bonus Scene
Much later, about an hour after she gets home, they sit in uncomfortable silence and start to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. Whenever the doorbell rings, Leslie and Ben wordlessly each take turns getting up and letting little trick or treaters reach their gloved hands into the orange bowl for Milky Ways, Mr. Goodbars, Mounds bars, as well as a few packets of Sweetums Candy Fingernails--the best that Leslie could do so late in the afternoon.
It's around the time that Jack Skellington opens the portal to Christmas Town onscreen, that Leslie decides that this is completely and utterly ridiculous. She isn't even mad anymore--so she doesn't want to yell or argue. And when she really thinks about it, she would much, much rather be enjoying Halloween with her husband rather than just sitting here, not talking. Or touching. It's stupid.
The only problem is, Ben is not being very communicative with her and when she tries to talk to him, he gives her one word answers. And he says he's not mad--a sure sign that he kind of is.
Slowly, Leslie starts nudging her foot closer to Ben's on the coffee table, where they both have their sock-covered feet up. He doesn't rub his toes suggestively against her foot in return, like he usually does while they watch a movie, but he doesn't pull away either. Determined, she keeps at it and within just a couple of minutes, he's playing footsie with her, his hand eventually reaching down to clasp hers as they enjoy a lull in the doorbell's chime.
"I kind of exploded at you over the candy thing," she says, turning to look at him. "And although it's very important, I, perhaps, came on a bit too strong about it."
"No. I mean, well, yes, you did. But...I see what you were getting at."
"And I shouldn't have insinuated that you should shove candy bars up your butt. Unless of course..." She quirks an eyebrow at him teasingly.
"No," he answers quickly, and then much to her relief, they're both giggling. And once again, she's struck by the idea of how hard it would have been to imagine Mean Ben laughing with her, especially at jokes about his butt, way back when he first arrived in Pawnee, let alone giggling next to her on their sofa.
"I think I'm still a little upset over...you know," she trails off. "Not go-to-sleep-on-a-bench and drunken-tattoo upset, but perhaps overreact-slightly-about-crappy-candy upset."
He smiles at her, warm and full of understanding, before he reaches his other hand out to smooth a few strands of blonde hair behind her ear. "I'm going to tell you this, and I'm going to trust you not to say I told you so," he informs her with a sigh. "While you were gone I answered the doorbell and I tried to give out the Tootsie Rolls and Junior Mints."
"Oh babe." Being a Pawneean her whole life, Leslie has an idea of maybe where this is going, and while, yes, the need to say I told you so is fairly strong, she swallows the words back down. He's obviously learned from his mistake. Tomorrow morning, she figures that they will have to un-TP their house before heading into work. And she'll need to remember to bring the Ben-pumpkin inside overnight, so it doesn't get smashed to bits.
"It was a bunch of football players? Or maybe they were dressed as football players? It's all just kind of a terrifying blur now. Anyway, they threw the Tootsie Rolls back at me and my pumpkin. Then they called me Turd Boy. So, you definitely had a good point earlier about candy quality."
"I am so sorry. That's not right. It was Tootsie Rolls and Junior Mints--it's not like you tried to give them boxes of raisins and toothbrushes."
He gives her a confused look. "Wait. Throwing it back at me would have been okay if it was raisins and toothbrushes?"
"Well..." Leslie shrugs, smiles kind of apologetically, as his hand briefly lets go of hers. "It's Halloween, Ben, not brush your teeth and eat a vegetable day."
"Leslie, raisins are fruit. You know that, right?"
She makes a scoffing noise, rolls her eyes. "Of course. Yes, they're fruit. From the raisin tree. Everyone knows that."
Ben is shaking his head at her and she can't decide if he's amused or worried by her response. "No. No, honey, they're dried grapes. Seriously?"
"Okay, look," Leslie starts as she pauses the DVD and gets up on her knees next to him. "We can make-up make-out or you can quiz me on fruits and vegetables. You pick."
"Well, technically grapes grow on vines, which are kind of like...trees, so sure. Got it. Come here my little sugar-loaded Princess Buttercup," he jokes, pulling her onto his lap. She laughs again as she straddles his thighs.
Within minutes, the making out comes to include Ben palming her breasts through the soft cotton of her shirt, while Leslie grinds against his lap, his hands taking turns to wander between her front and her back and down, rubbing against her ass. As he does, Leslie starts to untuck his shirt from his pants, and is rewarded by the warm, skin of his stomach--she wastes no time brushing her fingers across it, loving the way he moans against her mouth. She loves his belly, wants to squirm down in his lap and press her lips against it.
It's just as he's sliding his hand down the front of her pants and she can just feel his fingertips about to go beneath her underwear, that the doorbell rings. They freeze.
"Oh, Halloween," Leslie whispers. "I completely forgot. Crap on a cauldron."
"Maybe if we're quiet, they'll go away?" He whispers back, before pulling her close for another soft kiss, just as the chimes go off again, impatient, excited voices coming from outside the front door.
"No. No. The porch light is on. We have to get it. That's the rule. You go. It's your turn," she says, climbing off of him.
"Um...."
"What?"
Ben directs her attention to the fairly obvious erection in his pants.
"Oh, right. You probably shouldn't answer the door to a bunch of children with that." She grins at him.
"No." Ben shakes his head, then repeats, "no."
Leslie grabs her orange bowl full of candy. "Okay, I'll go. And then I'll turn off the porch light, grab your pumpkin, come back here, and I'll do a little trick or treating of my own." She makes it halfway to the door before she turns around and informs him, "your penis is the treat."
"Yeah. I figured that out," Ben answers, making a face. "But what are we going to do with the pumpkin?"
Pairing: Leslie/Ben
Rating: R (but not until near the end), before that, it's pretty PG.
Timeline: After Recall Vote but also post-season 6.
Summary: Three years of Halloween candy.
Notes: I wrote a bonus scene (last part) that was not posted on tumblr. Oooh.
October 31, 2013:
"So, I just lit the Ben-pumpkin’s candle. It’ll be dark soon. Where’s the candy?" Leslie asks eagerly, practically jumping up and down, as she steps back into the house.
Ben had agreed to be in charge of the Halloween candy this year, ever since she had confessed way back in early September that every year she usually ends up eating almost all of it herself because she always opens the candy bags early. And since it’s their first official Halloween together as a married couple, she’s curious to see how this system will work out.
He grins at her before briefly leaving their living room and then quickly returning with her traditional, big orange ceramic bowl filled up with...Tootsie Rolls? Teeny-tiny boxes of Junior Mints? What the hell?
She walks over to examine this further. Is he hiding the good stuff on the bottom?
"Ben, where’s the candy?" She asks again, poking through everything.
"Right here."
"What? This is not...are you joking with me?" Leslie glances at him and then back down into the bowl again, clearly disappointed.
"What?" Ben looks confused, like he has no idea what he’s done. How can he have no idea what he’s done?
"We can’t hand out Tootsie Rolls and Junior Mints! Are you serious? Where are the Snickers and the Peanut Butter Cups? The Sweetums Gusherz and Nutz ‘N Stuf? Jesus, Ben, where are the M&Ms?"
"But those are all the candy bars that you like...the ones you said you eat too much of every year! You told me you didn’t want to do that this year so...I thought-"
"Well, those are the ones that everyone likes!" she yells, causing him to take a step back, eyes wide. Wait? Is she overreacting? Leslie considers this. Nope. She’s not really. This is important. "I just wanted you to get the candy and then hide it from me until it was time to hand it out to trick or treaters." She examines the bowl for a third, incredulous time. And...it’s still just a bowl of crappy candy no one wants.
"No. No. No. No," she shakes her head, continuing. "We are not giving these out. We are not going to be a crappy Halloween candy family. People in this town already hate me enough. You...” Leslie pauses to look at her husband through narrowed eyes. He looks...well, Ben looks a little scared. She feels a bit bad about her reaction, but honestly, it’s justified. Tootsie Rolls? What the fuck?
But still, she should probably try to get this under control just a bit. “You are a wonderful, sexy, sweet, loving husband, but you are the worst candy buyer in the whole world and I am really annoyed at you right now.”
And really, logically, Leslie knows there’s probably a part of this anger that is still about losing the recall vote. That she’s probably giving this candy situation a little too much weight, and that she’s taking it out on Ben. And yet...
"What? Why?" He finally responds, still looking a bit shocked.
"Because now I have to go out…on Halloween at four in the afternoon and buy replacement-candy! Because we are going to be a good Halloween candy family. Just turn off the porch light until I get back and think about what you’ve done.”
Leslie turns around to leave, but can’t resist sharing one more thing with him. “Do you know who buys Halloween candy on Halloween, Ben? Do you?"
"Um…?"
"No one! Just me! There better be good stuff left."
"But what should I do with all these Tootsie Rolls?"
Leslie gives him a look, before saying, “do you really want me to answer that?"
"Um. Wow. Okay, you’re serious? You’re really mad that I didn’t buy better candy?"
"Yes."
"And you’re actually suggesting that I should shove these Tootsie Rolls up my-"
"Yes. And don’t forget the boxes of Junior Mints also."
"Okay. Well, I’m not...going to do that.” There’s a slight edge to his voice now that tells her that Ben is probably starting to get a little annoyed with her too. Fine.
Leslie glares at him, but bites her tongue. Instead of saying something else in anger, she sighs and moves in for a kiss that thankfully, he returns. “I love you so very much.”
Sure, she’s still a bit ticked off with Ben, but she’s never, ever going to walk away and leave the house without telling him that she loves him, especially if she’s mad. But when she pulls back, before he can even respond, she adds, “but you have done a terrible thing and I will not forget this."
Leslie can’t help slamming the door on her way out.
October 31, 2014:
He’s hates waking her because she’s only been napping for about 20 minutes, but Leslie really should eat something. Plus, she’s going to need to feed the babies again in a bit and he wants a few quiet minutes alone before the mass-chaos that comes with trying to breastfeed two of the three triplets at a time, while he takes care of the third one with a bottle of her previously-pumped milk. Then they kind of switch it all up half-way-it’s like a very complicated game of musical chairs, but with breasts and tiny, 10-day old infants.
Leslie is on the bed, kind of propped up against some pillows, asleep and lightly snoring in her sweatpants and a t-shirt that he’s pretty sure she’s been wearing for the last two days. Of course he’s not really judging because he hasn’t showered since..well, he’s not sure. Not yet today, that’s for sure.
"Hey," he whispers, gently rubbing her shoulder. "Honey."
"Yes Mr. Vice President?" The reply is groggy as she starts to respond.
"Um, no-"
She opens her eyes fully and looks at him, smiles sleepily when she realizes it's him and not Joe Biden.
“Ben. Hi."
"Hi. I brought you a banana."
"Is that a euphemism?"
"No," he holds up a banana. "It’s an actual banana. You should eat this. Keep up your strength..for all of the lactating."
Leslie makes an uninterested face at his fruit offering but takes it anyway. But instead of starting to peel it, she lays it on top of the bed, right next to her.
"So. I wasn’t really expecting this many of us yet on Halloween this year..." he starts.
"Oh my god! It’s Halloween!" Leslie blurts out, clearly surprised by this information.
"Yeah," he confirms. Ben watches as she starts to get up too quickly and then grimaces, making an unhappy noise. She gingerly lies back against the pillows, Ben gently guiding her back. Her stitches are healing but it’s a slow process.
"Hey. Stop. Just stay put. What do you think you’re doing?"
"But we need to get ready to-"
"No we don’t. Everything’s fine. My mom is going to hand out the candy this year. And if she’s busy helping us up here, we’re just going to turn the porch light out. Plus your mom will be by later too. And also, just so you know,” he gets up, goes over to the dresser, and brings back her orange bowl. It’s filled to rim with Snickers bars, M&Ms, Peanut Butter Cups, Gusherz, and Milky Way bars.
"Oh, Ben," she looks at him, her eyes starting to tear up. "You got good candy."
"Of course I did. Because we are a good Halloween candy family. And also, I got you a present."
"A Halloween present?"
"Yes. But first, again, I really didn’t expect for there to be all five of us...out and about this year, so-"
"They were anxious to get out. And we were anxious to meet them," she says, interrupting him.
They smile at each other-the silly grins of the truly happy and the truly sleep-deprived.
Ben can’t even begin to process that just 10 days ago he was holding onto her hand so tightly at Pawnee Saint Joseph Medical Center, while Dr. Saperstein lifted their daughter and then one son, followed by the other, carefully from his wife’s abdomen. He’s really just been running on instinct and doing whatever his mom, Marlene, Ann (over the phone), or Leslie tells him to do this last week, since they’ve been home.
The fact that he’s a father is still more of a theoretical concept at this point. But he's pretty sure he loves it. Loves his wife and his children--his family, more than he ever thought possible.
"Now, again, I wasn’t planning on us actually using these this Halloween, so they’re too big for newborns. And obviously, even if they fit, it’s not practical, but next year I was thinking..."
"What? Ben! Stop explaining. Show me. What did you get? I want my present!" She sits up a bit more, but much, much slower this time, and without any obvious signs of pain.
Ben opens his bedside table drawer and pulls out the three little Halloween costumes from their hiding place-red, blue, and yellow M&M outfits. They’re soft, plush, padded fabric circles attached to onesies, and they’re completely adorable.
Leslie makes her I’m about to cry face as she takes the little outfits and pulls them onto her lap.
“Oh."
"I thought it would be cute this year to lay the costumes out on your belly and take pictures for Halloween, but then..."
"We got to meet them early."
"Yeah. I bought the 9-12 month sizes, so they can actually wear them next year. Or, later next summer if you just want to dress them up as candy one day. I’m assuming that you’ll probably want to do that."
Leslie nods. “You are so sweet. Oh my god, these are adorable. You are the best husband, father, and candy buyer in the whole world. I love you."
"I love you too. Hey, you should eat your banana."
"Okay," she says as she reaches into the candy bowl and grabs a Snickers instead.
"Babe. That’s not a banana."
"Shhhh…It’s okay. Chocolate is good for milk production."
"I don’t think that’s accurate."
October 31, 2017:
It’s late. Well, late at night when there are excited three-year old triplets upstairs that are finally, thankfully, tucked in, and sound asleep. In reality, it’s only around nine.
Both Ben and Leslie are in the kitchen at the table, assessing the three huge piles of Halloween candy spread out before them. Although they were with the kids when they got all their trick or treating candy, it's truly impressive outside of the pillowcases, all spread out and heaped into three piles.
"I can’t believe they got this much!" Ben says, looking down at all of the small, brightly wrapped candy bars, before he gets up to fill a glass with some water from the pitcher in the refrigerator.
"I can," Leslie tells him, clearly quite proud of her progeny. "Are you kidding me? The cutest kids in Pawnee? An adorable little Princess Leia, Han Solo, and Chewbacca? And the Chewie is in little green glasses? I’m telling you, our kids are perfect and amazing candy-magnets."
"Well, that’s certainly true," he responds, reaching into a cabinet for the bag of pretzels, and continues talking. "So I was thinking, we can let them pick one piece to have each day for the next few days, and then we can tell them the Halloween monster came and took the rest. Or do you think that’s too scary? If so, I worked out a few other possibilities for how to take the candy away. I have a spreadsheet that lists out some possible scenarios..." Ben turns back around just in time to see Leslie unwrapping a fun size Milky Way and popping it into her mouth.
In front of her there also empty Almond Joy and Snickers bar wrappers that were not there when he got up just mere seconds ago. How did she eat those that fast?
"Um, what are you doing?"
"What?" She asks, her mouth full of chocolate.
"Are you eating the candy?" He clarifies.
"What? No. Of course not." Leslie picks up another Snickers bar, starts to unwrap it.
Ben gives her a wary look as he leans back against the counter.
"It’s okay. I’m going to take equally from each pile, so it’s fair," she tells him.
"Leslie, you can’t eat all of their candy."
"Why not? I thought you didn’t want them to eat that much? Besides, it’s not like they counted it or anything. They’re not little numbers-robots," she teases, smirking just a bit. "Although, Princess Leia looked like she was trying to...we should keep our eye on her. Are you teaching her math?"
"No. Maybe. That’s not the point. No one, not you or our children, needs to eat this much candy."
"Sure. But some of the candy is okay."
"One piece a day," he repeats his stance. "And you’ve already had three."
"I understand your need to candy-audit, babe, but it’s small Halloween-sized candy." She argues, but puts the Snickers down, smiles, gets up, and walks over to him.
"Yeah, but-"
"Besides, the kids are not going to know if I take a little candy off the top," she tells him, leaning in to give Ben a kiss. "Unless you tell them."
"What are you, a wiseguy now?” He jokes, making her smile. “Leslie..."
"Ben," she teases back. "Although..."
"What?"
"That’s actually not my favorite type of...candy." She gives him a flirty little smile, then gets down on her knees in front of him.
"Oh yeah? Um, what’s happening now?" He asks, starting to grin-but really, he does have a pretty good idea what’s happening now.
"Well," Leslie looks up at him, all pouty lips and twinkling eyes, as she carefully unbuttons and unzips his jeans, tugs them down to his knees. "You’re a very smart man. I think you can figure that out."
"I think you’re on a sugar high and now you’re trying to get me to agree that it’s okay for you to eat more of our children’s Halloween candy."
She nods. Tugs his boxer briefs down next. “Maybe. Is it working?"
"Yes." He pauses to shudder as she leans in to kiss skin and then lick along his upper thigh. "Keep doing that, and you can have all the Halloween candy you want. It’s not like they can count yet."
"Yay!" Leslie exclaims and then, after a few kisses and more sweeps with her tongue, takes him fully in her mouth.
"This is probably not a winning moment in parenting history," Ben mutters, making his wife laugh lightly in response, her mouth vibrating wonderfully all around him.
October 31, 2013: Bonus Scene
Much later, about an hour after she gets home, they sit in uncomfortable silence and start to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. Whenever the doorbell rings, Leslie and Ben wordlessly each take turns getting up and letting little trick or treaters reach their gloved hands into the orange bowl for Milky Ways, Mr. Goodbars, Mounds bars, as well as a few packets of Sweetums Candy Fingernails--the best that Leslie could do so late in the afternoon.
It's around the time that Jack Skellington opens the portal to Christmas Town onscreen, that Leslie decides that this is completely and utterly ridiculous. She isn't even mad anymore--so she doesn't want to yell or argue. And when she really thinks about it, she would much, much rather be enjoying Halloween with her husband rather than just sitting here, not talking. Or touching. It's stupid.
The only problem is, Ben is not being very communicative with her and when she tries to talk to him, he gives her one word answers. And he says he's not mad--a sure sign that he kind of is.
Slowly, Leslie starts nudging her foot closer to Ben's on the coffee table, where they both have their sock-covered feet up. He doesn't rub his toes suggestively against her foot in return, like he usually does while they watch a movie, but he doesn't pull away either. Determined, she keeps at it and within just a couple of minutes, he's playing footsie with her, his hand eventually reaching down to clasp hers as they enjoy a lull in the doorbell's chime.
"I kind of exploded at you over the candy thing," she says, turning to look at him. "And although it's very important, I, perhaps, came on a bit too strong about it."
"No. I mean, well, yes, you did. But...I see what you were getting at."
"And I shouldn't have insinuated that you should shove candy bars up your butt. Unless of course..." She quirks an eyebrow at him teasingly.
"No," he answers quickly, and then much to her relief, they're both giggling. And once again, she's struck by the idea of how hard it would have been to imagine Mean Ben laughing with her, especially at jokes about his butt, way back when he first arrived in Pawnee, let alone giggling next to her on their sofa.
"I think I'm still a little upset over...you know," she trails off. "Not go-to-sleep-on-a-bench and drunken-tattoo upset, but perhaps overreact-slightly-about-crappy-candy upset."
He smiles at her, warm and full of understanding, before he reaches his other hand out to smooth a few strands of blonde hair behind her ear. "I'm going to tell you this, and I'm going to trust you not to say I told you so," he informs her with a sigh. "While you were gone I answered the doorbell and I tried to give out the Tootsie Rolls and Junior Mints."
"Oh babe." Being a Pawneean her whole life, Leslie has an idea of maybe where this is going, and while, yes, the need to say I told you so is fairly strong, she swallows the words back down. He's obviously learned from his mistake. Tomorrow morning, she figures that they will have to un-TP their house before heading into work. And she'll need to remember to bring the Ben-pumpkin inside overnight, so it doesn't get smashed to bits.
"It was a bunch of football players? Or maybe they were dressed as football players? It's all just kind of a terrifying blur now. Anyway, they threw the Tootsie Rolls back at me and my pumpkin. Then they called me Turd Boy. So, you definitely had a good point earlier about candy quality."
"I am so sorry. That's not right. It was Tootsie Rolls and Junior Mints--it's not like you tried to give them boxes of raisins and toothbrushes."
He gives her a confused look. "Wait. Throwing it back at me would have been okay if it was raisins and toothbrushes?"
"Well..." Leslie shrugs, smiles kind of apologetically, as his hand briefly lets go of hers. "It's Halloween, Ben, not brush your teeth and eat a vegetable day."
"Leslie, raisins are fruit. You know that, right?"
She makes a scoffing noise, rolls her eyes. "Of course. Yes, they're fruit. From the raisin tree. Everyone knows that."
Ben is shaking his head at her and she can't decide if he's amused or worried by her response. "No. No, honey, they're dried grapes. Seriously?"
"Okay, look," Leslie starts as she pauses the DVD and gets up on her knees next to him. "We can make-up make-out or you can quiz me on fruits and vegetables. You pick."
"Well, technically grapes grow on vines, which are kind of like...trees, so sure. Got it. Come here my little sugar-loaded Princess Buttercup," he jokes, pulling her onto his lap. She laughs again as she straddles his thighs.
Within minutes, the making out comes to include Ben palming her breasts through the soft cotton of her shirt, while Leslie grinds against his lap, his hands taking turns to wander between her front and her back and down, rubbing against her ass. As he does, Leslie starts to untuck his shirt from his pants, and is rewarded by the warm, skin of his stomach--she wastes no time brushing her fingers across it, loving the way he moans against her mouth. She loves his belly, wants to squirm down in his lap and press her lips against it.
It's just as he's sliding his hand down the front of her pants and she can just feel his fingertips about to go beneath her underwear, that the doorbell rings. They freeze.
"Oh, Halloween," Leslie whispers. "I completely forgot. Crap on a cauldron."
"Maybe if we're quiet, they'll go away?" He whispers back, before pulling her close for another soft kiss, just as the chimes go off again, impatient, excited voices coming from outside the front door.
"No. No. The porch light is on. We have to get it. That's the rule. You go. It's your turn," she says, climbing off of him.
"Um...."
"What?"
Ben directs her attention to the fairly obvious erection in his pants.
"Oh, right. You probably shouldn't answer the door to a bunch of children with that." She grins at him.
"No." Ben shakes his head, then repeats, "no."
Leslie grabs her orange bowl full of candy. "Okay, I'll go. And then I'll turn off the porch light, grab your pumpkin, come back here, and I'll do a little trick or treating of my own." She makes it halfway to the door before she turns around and informs him, "your penis is the treat."
"Yeah. I figured that out," Ben answers, making a face. "But what are we going to do with the pumpkin?"