How to Opposite Break-up With Someone (in Eight Easy Steps)
Rating: R
Timeline: Set during I'm Leslie Knope
Summary: Leslie needs to break-up with Ben, but then he gives her an eclair.
Note: for the prompt - I think we need a fic detailing that time when Leslie "opposite of broke up with" Ben.
When she walks into the Assistant City Manager’s office that afternoon, Leslie is full of resolve. She can do this. Just do it-break up with him, then shake hands like friends, walk away, and don’t look at his butt. Yep. She can do this.
Fuck, she really does not want to do this.
“Ben. Ben, I need to talk to you,” Leslie says minutes later, as she takes the phone from him and hangs it up. At least she thinks he was talking on the phone, as soon as she walked into the hallway outside his door, she started hearing loud circus music in her head.
Ben says something, but Leslie’s not sure what.
“Oh, my god. That’s horrible,” she responds and then he’s staring at her, looking all confused. “Or good. Full disclosure, I didn’t listen to what you just said. I need to talk to you about something.”
Just do it. Don’t look at his butt. Oh my god, she thinks, what is he doing, why is he standing? Oh no, butt coming into view.
“Okay, well, before you say anything,” Ben starts, reaching for a box and walking around his desk, “let me just show you what I got at Doug’s Donuts. It’s an L-shaped éclair. The L is for Leslie, for your name.”
He just looks so adorable and so proud of himself that Leslie’s not able to help the huge smile that initially forms on her face-apparently, her resolves crumbles in the face of cute, sexy men bearing bakery boxes of personalized sweets.
An éclair-he got her an éclair. Leslie starts crying before she can even try some of her present. She can’t do this. She doesn’t want to do this.
She has to do this.
“Leslie?”
Ben looks outside the office quickly to make sure no one is around and then puts the box back down on his desk and quickly wraps his arms are around her. She hugs him back and buries her face in his shoulder before she comes to her senses.
“Wait, Chris-”
“He’s gone for the rest of the day,” Ben responds quietly, before he kisses her near her ear. “Leslie, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just…I really like éclairs, Ben. It’s so unfair.”
“How is it unfair?” He asks, all while rubbing little circles on her back.
“I was going to give them up…but I don’t think I can,” she whispers, before pulling away. Force of habit or not, they absolutely should not be hugging at work, even if she is crying.
“Well, you don’t have to give them up yet, do you?”
She doesn’t answer that but instead quickly and impulsively says, “Come home with me.”
“Sure,” he responds. “Oh, wait, right now?”
“Yeah,” she tells him, wiping her eyes.
“It’s only four-fifteen. Are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t mean to upset you, I just thought you’d like an L-shaped-”
“No. I do. I like it but let’s just leave work early and go to my house,” she starts backing out of his office. “I’m just going to grab my bag and I’ll meet you there.”
When he doesn’t move fast enough, Leslie adds, “Come on, Ben! Let’s go. Let’s just get out of here. Now.”
“Okay, um, yeah, just let me-”
“And bring the éclair!”
* * *
She doesn’t really have time to give Ann a script to read her, so Leslie has to come up with some guidelines by herself on the quick drive home.
Leslie Knope’s Rules for Breaking Up with Your Boss/Secret Boyfriend Even Though He’s Awesome:
1. Don’t try to do it in the office. That was just stupid, she realizes now. Of course she couldn’t do it there, that’s where everything started. It’s their place. They’ll go to her house and they can talk quietly and part as friends.
2. Keep avoiding his butt (and absolutely do not touch it).
3. Don’t cry again.
4. Seriously. Do not look at his butt.
5. Do not get derailed by the delicious and thoughtful chocolate-glazed pastry in the shape of an L.
6. Do not make out.
7. You can do this.
Leslie pulls her car up to her house and takes a deep breath. She can do this.
* * *
Ben’s hands are tangling in her hair, tugging and teasing just a bit as she walks backwards towards the stairs. Distracted, Leslie hits the banister and yelps, but then he’s pulling back and Ben’s hand is at her hip, gently rubbing the sore spot where she made contact with the pointy, hard wooden edge.
“Alright?”
“Yeah. Yeah. But let’s not stop making out.”
He smiles at her. “Okay.”
And then his mouth is on hers again and he turns them around and leads them backwards up the stairs, avoiding a box, a birdhouse, and a stack of newspapers on the way.
Just knowing that he has the path to her bedroom memorized makes her want to cry again.
* * *
Ben’s dark skinny tie is the first thing to hit the floor, as his hands trace the curves of her hips and ass. They kiss and grope (her hand has hardly left his backside for the last five minutes), until they end up by the edge of her bed. Ben sits but instead of pulling her down on top of him, he looks up at her and smiles.
His fingers starts working the button and zipper on her pants as she watches. Ben’s dark plaid shirt sleeves are still rolled up and his watch looks all sexy against his wrist as he pushes her trousers and underwear down. When he tugs her forward so he can press lips to her mound, she closes her eyes and moans.
She makes a new numbered point in her list of rules.
8. Okay, Leslie, you can do this one last time. But then, it’s time to break-up with him for real.
* * *
While they play footsie under the covers later, Leslie decides that If she ever did have a sex scandal, it it wouldn’t be like this.
Sex scandals seem cheap and tawdry, like having four-way sex in a Brazilian cave while pretending to be building houses for the underprivileged, whereas secret boyfriends kiss the insides of your thighs before they swipe their tongue against your clit. They make you laugh and smile and and close their eyes and groan when you slide your mouth around them.
They twine their fingers with yours when they thrust inside, even as they fuck your brains out.
And then, when you ask them to go downstairs and get the éclair so you can split it for a not very sensible dinner, they grin, slide on their boxers, and a minute later, return with the white bakery box.
Ben even licks the stray chocolate from her lips afterwards, before they make out some more.
* * *
The next morning in the cold light of day, she decides that really, you can’t break up with someone on an empty stomach.
Leslie rolls on her side and spoons around him, sliding a leg up his hip.
“Is this my alarm?” Ben asks sleepily.
“Yes,” she confirms. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah, but where’s the snooze button?” He asks, making her giggle as he blindly reaches back and gently pokes at her.
“Do you want pancakes? I can make pancakes.”
“How about scrambled eggs and toast?” Ben counters. She makes a face that he must just be able to sense, because he laughs at her pause. “Leslie, we had a giant L-shaped éclair for dinner.”
“So?”
“Maybe breakfast should be slightly healthy?”
“Pancakes are healthy,” she argues half-seriously, as his heel rubs back against her calf.
But then Ben turns over and snuggles into her. He’s all warm and cuddly and naked and his hair is sticking all up and before she knows it, her arms are around his neck and she’s practically on top of him, offering to make eggs and toast while he makes the coffee and damn it Leslie, this is not how you break up with someone.
Maybe by the time she gets to work, Ann will have come up with a plan on how to do this.
Timeline: Set during I'm Leslie Knope
Summary: Leslie needs to break-up with Ben, but then he gives her an eclair.
Note: for the prompt - I think we need a fic detailing that time when Leslie "opposite of broke up with" Ben.
When she walks into the Assistant City Manager’s office that afternoon, Leslie is full of resolve. She can do this. Just do it-break up with him, then shake hands like friends, walk away, and don’t look at his butt. Yep. She can do this.
Fuck, she really does not want to do this.
“Ben. Ben, I need to talk to you,” Leslie says minutes later, as she takes the phone from him and hangs it up. At least she thinks he was talking on the phone, as soon as she walked into the hallway outside his door, she started hearing loud circus music in her head.
Ben says something, but Leslie’s not sure what.
“Oh, my god. That’s horrible,” she responds and then he’s staring at her, looking all confused. “Or good. Full disclosure, I didn’t listen to what you just said. I need to talk to you about something.”
Just do it. Don’t look at his butt. Oh my god, she thinks, what is he doing, why is he standing? Oh no, butt coming into view.
“Okay, well, before you say anything,” Ben starts, reaching for a box and walking around his desk, “let me just show you what I got at Doug’s Donuts. It’s an L-shaped éclair. The L is for Leslie, for your name.”
He just looks so adorable and so proud of himself that Leslie’s not able to help the huge smile that initially forms on her face-apparently, her resolves crumbles in the face of cute, sexy men bearing bakery boxes of personalized sweets.
An éclair-he got her an éclair. Leslie starts crying before she can even try some of her present. She can’t do this. She doesn’t want to do this.
She has to do this.
“Leslie?”
Ben looks outside the office quickly to make sure no one is around and then puts the box back down on his desk and quickly wraps his arms are around her. She hugs him back and buries her face in his shoulder before she comes to her senses.
“Wait, Chris-”
“He’s gone for the rest of the day,” Ben responds quietly, before he kisses her near her ear. “Leslie, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just…I really like éclairs, Ben. It’s so unfair.”
“How is it unfair?” He asks, all while rubbing little circles on her back.
“I was going to give them up…but I don’t think I can,” she whispers, before pulling away. Force of habit or not, they absolutely should not be hugging at work, even if she is crying.
“Well, you don’t have to give them up yet, do you?”
She doesn’t answer that but instead quickly and impulsively says, “Come home with me.”
“Sure,” he responds. “Oh, wait, right now?”
“Yeah,” she tells him, wiping her eyes.
“It’s only four-fifteen. Are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t mean to upset you, I just thought you’d like an L-shaped-”
“No. I do. I like it but let’s just leave work early and go to my house,” she starts backing out of his office. “I’m just going to grab my bag and I’ll meet you there.”
When he doesn’t move fast enough, Leslie adds, “Come on, Ben! Let’s go. Let’s just get out of here. Now.”
“Okay, um, yeah, just let me-”
“And bring the éclair!”
* * *
She doesn’t really have time to give Ann a script to read her, so Leslie has to come up with some guidelines by herself on the quick drive home.
Leslie Knope’s Rules for Breaking Up with Your Boss/Secret Boyfriend Even Though He’s Awesome:
1. Don’t try to do it in the office. That was just stupid, she realizes now. Of course she couldn’t do it there, that’s where everything started. It’s their place. They’ll go to her house and they can talk quietly and part as friends.
2. Keep avoiding his butt (and absolutely do not touch it).
3. Don’t cry again.
4. Seriously. Do not look at his butt.
5. Do not get derailed by the delicious and thoughtful chocolate-glazed pastry in the shape of an L.
6. Do not make out.
7. You can do this.
Leslie pulls her car up to her house and takes a deep breath. She can do this.
* * *
Ben’s hands are tangling in her hair, tugging and teasing just a bit as she walks backwards towards the stairs. Distracted, Leslie hits the banister and yelps, but then he’s pulling back and Ben’s hand is at her hip, gently rubbing the sore spot where she made contact with the pointy, hard wooden edge.
“Alright?”
“Yeah. Yeah. But let’s not stop making out.”
He smiles at her. “Okay.”
And then his mouth is on hers again and he turns them around and leads them backwards up the stairs, avoiding a box, a birdhouse, and a stack of newspapers on the way.
Just knowing that he has the path to her bedroom memorized makes her want to cry again.
* * *
Ben’s dark skinny tie is the first thing to hit the floor, as his hands trace the curves of her hips and ass. They kiss and grope (her hand has hardly left his backside for the last five minutes), until they end up by the edge of her bed. Ben sits but instead of pulling her down on top of him, he looks up at her and smiles.
His fingers starts working the button and zipper on her pants as she watches. Ben’s dark plaid shirt sleeves are still rolled up and his watch looks all sexy against his wrist as he pushes her trousers and underwear down. When he tugs her forward so he can press lips to her mound, she closes her eyes and moans.
She makes a new numbered point in her list of rules.
8. Okay, Leslie, you can do this one last time. But then, it’s time to break-up with him for real.
* * *
While they play footsie under the covers later, Leslie decides that If she ever did have a sex scandal, it it wouldn’t be like this.
Sex scandals seem cheap and tawdry, like having four-way sex in a Brazilian cave while pretending to be building houses for the underprivileged, whereas secret boyfriends kiss the insides of your thighs before they swipe their tongue against your clit. They make you laugh and smile and and close their eyes and groan when you slide your mouth around them.
They twine their fingers with yours when they thrust inside, even as they fuck your brains out.
And then, when you ask them to go downstairs and get the éclair so you can split it for a not very sensible dinner, they grin, slide on their boxers, and a minute later, return with the white bakery box.
Ben even licks the stray chocolate from her lips afterwards, before they make out some more.
* * *
The next morning in the cold light of day, she decides that really, you can’t break up with someone on an empty stomach.
Leslie rolls on her side and spoons around him, sliding a leg up his hip.
“Is this my alarm?” Ben asks sleepily.
“Yes,” she confirms. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah, but where’s the snooze button?” He asks, making her giggle as he blindly reaches back and gently pokes at her.
“Do you want pancakes? I can make pancakes.”
“How about scrambled eggs and toast?” Ben counters. She makes a face that he must just be able to sense, because he laughs at her pause. “Leslie, we had a giant L-shaped éclair for dinner.”
“So?”
“Maybe breakfast should be slightly healthy?”
“Pancakes are healthy,” she argues half-seriously, as his heel rubs back against her calf.
But then Ben turns over and snuggles into her. He’s all warm and cuddly and naked and his hair is sticking all up and before she knows it, her arms are around his neck and she’s practically on top of him, offering to make eggs and toast while he makes the coffee and damn it Leslie, this is not how you break up with someone.
Maybe by the time she gets to work, Ann will have come up with a plan on how to do this.