...and a time to refrain from embracing
I'm beginning to have regrets again about male hugs, and male friendship in general.
A year ago, I acted inappropriately and breached some rules of etiquette with a (strictly platonic) male friend. I called him and left a voicemail about something else that I felt bothered about and said I wanted to talk to him about it. A day or two later, he wrote me an e-mail that he did not want to be friends anymore. I was deeply hurt over it.
At the time I read some (Christian) relationship articles, and came to the conclusion that I had committed the sin of being emotionally (not physically) intimate with someone I had no plans to marry, and I was suffering the consequences. I learned I had brought this pain upon myself.
I decided to stop hugging guys. If one offered an arm for a hug, I would refuse, and extend my hand for a more socially acceptable handshake instead. Hugging was, essentially, having sex fully clothed.
I felt slightly jealous that it was OK for my female friends to hug male friends and get away with it.
Over a few months, I compromised myself. Some guys would just hug me without me asking (usually in saying hello or goodbye). I should have stopped them right then, but I didn't.
Around Christmastime, there was a tragic accidental death of a 20-something church member which saddened the entire congregation. While I did not know her personally, she was a member of my young adult group. We all banded together for support during and after a prayer service held after the accident. I had no inhbition about hugging anyone, male or female--if they wanted one, they got one.
However, the problem with hugging males is sometimes, especially compounded with kind words or observing something else admirable about them, it's easy to get emotionally attached to them.
That happened with the ex-friend who ended the friendship by e-mail. Even though we had clear boundaries and I wholeheartedly accepted we would be "just friends," (some of his lifestyle choices, particularly drinking, ruled out him being a candidate for marriage anyhow) I still got emotionally attached to him.
Nearly a year later, I have struggled in the past two weeks over another person to whom I became emotionally attached. I developed "feelings" for this person, especially when he said something nice or gave me a hug. However, I know I don't ever want to date, let alone marry this person. He has some lifestyle choices again I don't agree with (nor am I out to make him change). Also, he has a female friend frequently along, as of late. While they are not a couple, they very well could become one.
Even when those "feelings" developed, I prayed about it. I even prayed that God would put a special woman in his life (those prayers could be answered as I write this). I read the Bible. I did all kinds of activity (things I would have done anyhow) to get him off my mind, or at least let the bubbling emotions cool down.
I even avoided one event I knew he would be at, in an effort to "guard my heart." I would have avoided it altogether the next week but my other friends urged me to come.
Without going into too much detail, the last time I saw him, It seemed he was putting me on a pedestal. While he was cordial, it was clear he wanted to spend more time talking to other people, including special friend mentioned above.
I suspect that even though I didn't say much, somehow my true feelings were betrayed in my nonverbal expressions. He somehow did see something in my eyes, and he felt uncomfortable. And no matter how innocent a compliment could be, it could have been misconstrued as flirting.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Perhaps I need to hold off on hugging men for a long time again. Hugs and male friendship are like sugar to a diabetic: it tastes good, but it can be deadly.
And, of course, God is not pleased either. I can hear Him say, "You have not done enough to overcome temptation. And of course, you would rather spend time with him than with Me. I will take him away too, so you can learn to love Me more. Then, when I am pleased with our relationship, we might be able to consider letting you have male friends again. You make guys into idols, when you should be content with Me alone."
A year ago, I acted inappropriately and breached some rules of etiquette with a (strictly platonic) male friend. I called him and left a voicemail about something else that I felt bothered about and said I wanted to talk to him about it. A day or two later, he wrote me an e-mail that he did not want to be friends anymore. I was deeply hurt over it.
At the time I read some (Christian) relationship articles, and came to the conclusion that I had committed the sin of being emotionally (not physically) intimate with someone I had no plans to marry, and I was suffering the consequences. I learned I had brought this pain upon myself.
I decided to stop hugging guys. If one offered an arm for a hug, I would refuse, and extend my hand for a more socially acceptable handshake instead. Hugging was, essentially, having sex fully clothed.
I felt slightly jealous that it was OK for my female friends to hug male friends and get away with it.
Over a few months, I compromised myself. Some guys would just hug me without me asking (usually in saying hello or goodbye). I should have stopped them right then, but I didn't.
Around Christmastime, there was a tragic accidental death of a 20-something church member which saddened the entire congregation. While I did not know her personally, she was a member of my young adult group. We all banded together for support during and after a prayer service held after the accident. I had no inhbition about hugging anyone, male or female--if they wanted one, they got one.
However, the problem with hugging males is sometimes, especially compounded with kind words or observing something else admirable about them, it's easy to get emotionally attached to them.
That happened with the ex-friend who ended the friendship by e-mail. Even though we had clear boundaries and I wholeheartedly accepted we would be "just friends," (some of his lifestyle choices, particularly drinking, ruled out him being a candidate for marriage anyhow) I still got emotionally attached to him.
Nearly a year later, I have struggled in the past two weeks over another person to whom I became emotionally attached. I developed "feelings" for this person, especially when he said something nice or gave me a hug. However, I know I don't ever want to date, let alone marry this person. He has some lifestyle choices again I don't agree with (nor am I out to make him change). Also, he has a female friend frequently along, as of late. While they are not a couple, they very well could become one.
Even when those "feelings" developed, I prayed about it. I even prayed that God would put a special woman in his life (those prayers could be answered as I write this). I read the Bible. I did all kinds of activity (things I would have done anyhow) to get him off my mind, or at least let the bubbling emotions cool down.
I even avoided one event I knew he would be at, in an effort to "guard my heart." I would have avoided it altogether the next week but my other friends urged me to come.
Without going into too much detail, the last time I saw him, It seemed he was putting me on a pedestal. While he was cordial, it was clear he wanted to spend more time talking to other people, including special friend mentioned above.
I suspect that even though I didn't say much, somehow my true feelings were betrayed in my nonverbal expressions. He somehow did see something in my eyes, and he felt uncomfortable. And no matter how innocent a compliment could be, it could have been misconstrued as flirting.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Perhaps I need to hold off on hugging men for a long time again. Hugs and male friendship are like sugar to a diabetic: it tastes good, but it can be deadly.
And, of course, God is not pleased either. I can hear Him say, "You have not done enough to overcome temptation. And of course, you would rather spend time with him than with Me. I will take him away too, so you can learn to love Me more. Then, when I am pleased with our relationship, we might be able to consider letting you have male friends again. You make guys into idols, when you should be content with Me alone."