Filling in the void
This is a long ass entry filling in some of the time I havent been online. I hope it isnt way to boring.
Dear Die-ry,
{7/18/04}
Seems like the longest time that I don’t update. I have been very busy and as such sadly my internet time has been limited to none at all. The internet has been down in my house for the longest time and as such I have tried to entertain myself with doing things in the house or going out for walks whenever possible. I have as stated in earlier entries been doing things in the house and finally it has come to my room. I got a new desk as well as a new dresser and have been busy trying to organize my room into something neat and tidy.
It has been a slow process though and much of the time it’s simply moving the piles of mess from one place to another. The desk though is quite comfortable and spacious my computer actually fits on it a miracle in itself. I have to more or less organized though it’s still a work in progress. The dresser is empty and it’s hard to figure out what is junk, storable or even what’s left to organize. It’s crazy to try and clean an entire room that I haven’t really lived in for the longest time and yet make it habitable. I miss all my friends since I can’t be online and so I can’t reach them. It’s like being isolated on an island full of people that more often then not get on your last nerve. I know I really don’t type much about my family but I think its time that I make a catch up entry and make it as long as possible without holding anything back.
My father has been his usual drunken self and my anger towards him or resentment has been steadily growing. It’s a sad thing to say one resents their own father however lets just say that maybe some day and not some day soon I may grow past it all. My mother has been ok though a bit off the wall. She goes from fine to bitchy in about as quickly as it takes to blink your eye. The most recent thing that has been going on is her constant yelling at me as useless or no good since I don’t go out and find a job. To many this may seem a valid argument since we all need a job and since I have been home a while I should get one. However; there is the fact I’ve been asking for one simple thing for weeks and yet it has not happened. The “job” I had originally asked for was one of a mail stuffing person. There is a place where all they do is pay you to stuff envelopes for them and it’s a good job since it has been officially backed by Miguel our roommate in our home (really my sisters bf but no one has hinted to my father). He stated that is does pay and if it says guaranteed that they have to pay me or face federal charges.
Hell if for stuffing 100 envelopes I’d get $400 who am I to complain. Secondly I’d get $800 for 200, $1200 for 300, and finally $1600 for 400. I could easily get $1600 a week for doing a job that I do at home and mail in once a week for which they pay postage and handling charges. Hell its way great and been asking to give it a go for about three to four weeks. However my mother never gets the time to mail it out or even to wake me to go send it out. I say wake me since my sleeping schedule has been shot to hell it’s literally I am a vampire since I sleep whenever the sun is out. I’ve tried on one then more occasion to pull an all nighter to get my schedule back to normal but that hasn’t worked at all. Plus with the way the room has been I have no choice but to stay in and try to fix it up to make it livable as well as walk able. Only recently have I found the floor once more.
Back to my family however I think something crawled up my sister’s spine and died because she is so insufferable to me. I can’t even pick up a cell and who it is and get yelled at. Like recently I picked up a cell since Miguel’s, my mothers, and my sisters look alike. Opening it; it made a noise and when she heard it she started calling me all things. Hell I just wanted to know who it’s was since I was going to put stuff on the living room coffee table. Ehhh to say the least I am trying to keep my patience but all I end up doing is mouthing off to her in a serious way not that she doesn’t deserve it. I have also been dating and been going out with this one girl and it’s been great no complaints not even the bit of traveling. I wish she was closer but who knows lol. I’ve seen her a few times and had tons of fun every time. I hope to see her soon again hopefully. I have also been wanting to go to six flags since that one time Erica ( my latest ex) took me I was so wanting to go back plus lol I have only two more roller coasters to ride to say I have ridden every ride in 6 flags hehe.
Other then what I have written there isn’t much more to tell…Well there is two or three things left hehe. The first being I am accepted at both Wagner University and on my way to finalizing my plans with Fordham. I think I may stay with Wagner however being that it is a hop skip and a way from my home and I may try commuting for a semester to see if that goes my way or try dorming later. I know my ex goes there but I haven’t spoken to her in what seems nearly a year so I don’t really care to see her but if I do no skin off my back…I just hope she doesn’t feel like skinning mine because the time for us to talk is over and Id just like to get on with my education so sorry to her for the inconvenience of going to the same school as she. I very much want to go out with friends as of late I can’t wait for Vera to come back to the states. I should call Ksenia as well and see if she is back from Poland yet maybe go to Boston for a weekend and go out drinking with one of my best buds. Ok I think this is enough for now. I most probably will be keeping a windows word entry running on my comp for when I do get online to post it all as one very very large entry.
{7/19/04}
Dear Die-ry
Well seems the ice has finally been broken between me and Miguel but I just cant help but realize that I am a psych major and as such in a fit of rage I have analyzed him in a way that can best be stated as crudely but it is a analyzation. Miguel’s childhood past of having a step father and a mother whose rage would often be directed towards him seems to finally have culminated in a myriad of social disorders. First he has issues with his body any mention of him being small and he must instantly raise the idea that he’s bigger or he’s stronger or state what he can life. It seems as a child his inability to protect himself from the staunch beatings he has had left an indelible mark in his psych that now he has to use his height and physical appearance as a deterrent to others or to further prove his masculinity.
His childhood seems to be filled with moments of his inability to protect himself as such now he is the first to hit or first to run there mouth in order to get his way or “protect” himself. As of late I have noticed that he can not be wrong I often state things and make it declarative only because I’ve gained my data through multiple readings and or innumerable areas of data. So often times when I speak I know what I am actually talking about or else I would ask questions or not talk about it at all. However my statements are often viewed as wrong or just “stupid” because of one source of data that he has which more often then not seems to be nothing more then word of mouth. Examples of this are prevalent with his “relationship” with my sister. She more often then not needs to simply quiet herself and allows his voiced opinion or statement to be correct in order to stop a long argument which started with nothing but him being wrong.
Further examples of this are the matters of his ideas of security. Being an ex- army sniper he believes his word is final in the definition of the idea of security. However my sister is not a security guard she is a loss prevention agent. A subtle difference in wording but the job application she signed is completely different from any he has ever done. In security the definition as I best can think it is to prevent the breaking of laws as well as enforce the said laws. My sister does nothing more though then watch the store making sure nothing is taken and make sure no one takes things out of any of the doors. Her job also states that she must for an hr or so be an operator at the phone as it is a rolling schedule as every once in a while there is a different agent manning the phones. Miguel’s job dictates both his carrying of a firearm and the use of force if the need arises. His job also states he must sweep the building making sure all is safe while my sister’s job ends as soon as the work day is over and the store closes up.
They had an argument that ended up in my sisters crying and finally his realizing a statement he had made earlier was wrong and that I wasn’t “jumping on the band wagon”. He has often found it necessary to state how I am wrong or how things I state at times is nothing more then agreeing with the crowd. I won’t deny this since the crowd is right and he is wrong I will not side with the party that is arguing uphill on something they have a flawed thought about. As today was the culmination of my completely being frustrated I have had a sort of fit of rage. One I have not had in the longest time…one that made me do a very small amount of physical damage which I already regret. However it was again his being right and my sister being wrong so I simply told my sister “Don’t argue he’s always right.” Seemingly angering him was it that he had to stand up and confront me on something. He very strikingly reminded me of the bastard bullies I used to have who had to use there size in order to intimidate the other person into retreating or trying to start a fight. I at this point was immensely pissed off and so I started feeling the ball of hate grow in me. I at one point started yelling he doesn’t frighten me that there is one person in the world that frightens me and that person was my own Mother. The person whom I respect above all and care for more then anyone else in the world!
I then sat in my room and felt all my old angers rising and as such I grabbed the nearest knife and started just holding it but finally being weak I gave in and scratched my arm. Let us not say other thoughts passed my own mind but things thought in anger are not always thought in the clearest of minds. I then simply started writing feeling that though he is taller then me I have won in a way since I know he is nothing more then a flawed little boy inside of a large body. Needing to use said body to prove to the world his worth and his position in life a maneuver he has seemingly been using for a while. I however need no crude show of force to know that I am better then I since for the matter of fact is I am smarter, and that I don’t need to resort to pressuring or intimidation to win an argument when I alone can safely say that he is an idiot. One for whom I regret going to church and staying at a mass for his dead brother in order to pay respects. I am sorry for his loss but I won’t be sorry anymore. I think its simply a matter of him now being able to raise the cruelest parts of me some I wish he never did. I plan to not talk to him and get out of my house whenever possible in order to relieve my anger; the other reason is to be able to get back to the person that Bella knows me to be since I don’t ever want this side of me to come out. It’s a sad fact but it’s come to my rational conclusion that I and Miguel will never be friends or anything of the sort. If he ever goes further with my sister I will see her and her children but not her. It’s a choice not set in stone however it is inching its way there.
I am ending this entry for tonight and as such I hope there will not be any more entries of this type for the longest time.
{7/20/04}
Dear Die-ry,
Seems things are not ok in my house as I would have thought. Turns out that me and Christine are no longer together and are going to wait a while and see if we should try it again. It deals with a series of circumstances that are out of our control so who knows. I was awakened today by Kuya Eric who told me to call Christine if I could. That conversation ended in that we should be apart for a long whiles and retry at another date. Since being awake at nearly 9:30 in the morning I decided to make use of my day and do a few things that I haven’t done. Since Miguel was coming home I decided I needed to be out of the house for a while in order to not try and confront him again and possibly do something I would regret.
I went out to Bay ridge to pay 200 dollars of my 400 something odd dollar bill. At the same time I decided to try and change my number from a 617 area code to a 718 in order for my calls to home not to count long distance despite being just around the block. This is still in the works but soon I will have a new number and I will use my phone wisely. I then went to the post office in order to get the money order needed for the envelope stuffing job and sent that out post haste. I was getting bored and hungry so hunger took over and decided to eat pizza before heading to park slope and getting a book at Barnes and Nobles. I got Halo the fall of the reach a good book dealing with the past right before the video game starts.
On my time out I thought of a rather cruel thing but one that I hope I not need use. Should Miguel ever lay his hands on me he would be the one getting proverbially screwed. Since he has a court case in which he is trying to get his kids any arrest what so ever especially one for assault would cost him dearly with his case to get his kids. I hope I don’t ever need to use this on him for this would be the culmination of many years of abuse in my own life releasing itself as a one act of pure cruelty to another. This is cruel in so many ways I really thought I was being an asshole for even thinking it but anger will bring the worse parts of a person. On another note I got in contact with an old friend Kayleigh and am so happy to get her number once more wow it has been a while since I spoke to her. I plan to call tonight or during the weekend and see what is up.
I am still rather pissed off at the moment and as such I am not one to be happy at all. I am really thinking of getting a dorm and moving out of my house as long as Miguel is here. I want my family to have peace and as such it seems that it only happens whenever I am away. I just hate that it seems whenever I am home things for my mother are “inconvenienced”. Just what the fuck I am planning to leave my home as soon as possible since I can no longer stand Miguel and or my sister’s “princess” ways.
Eh enough of the foul thoughts and ill reputes. I finished my book in one day in like 2-3 hrs I read 340 pages of book dealing with Halo lol. Now all I need to do is get the other book and I can keep myself entertained.
7/23/04
Dear Die-ry,
Well the last few days have been greatly uneventful to say the least. All I have done is slowly pick up the room and read my books. I have finally finished all three books of the halo series. They are all really good and all exciting I think I may buy some predator books up next. There is a small bookshelf in Barnes and Nobles I have been hitting up constantly during the last week. It’s the first shelf of the sci-fi section I so need decent writer’s names since I need to expand my reading section. I have only been reading books some based off video games for starters. The first books were the Diablo trilogy of books, then the halo trilogy, All six books of resident evil (with I am hoping there are more of those coming out). Then there is the slew of Magic books which I still need to get more of which I have read eight out of I don’t know how many.
There are a few authors names that I do know and appreciate there work. There is Isaac Asimov, S.D Perry, Dan Brown, Philip Pullman, Nix these are all the ones I know by name. I am really into Sci-fi but lol I need to get out into more. I just don’t know any good authors and I tend to stick to one genre and have a tough time leaving that genre. Sci-fi has always been a great fascination of mine. It allows me to get away from my life and go to other worlds and explore things my mind can clearly see. Well I just love to explore lol I think I need to go back to another camp cuz the woods was a great place. Random thought but just had to put it down. I am so into reading now and since I have some time before college…oh that’s right new news on my college search.
First I have been accepted into Wagner University in Staten Island New York so yay for that. Secondly 15 of my credits have been transferred over meaning I am a little under half way there. I need a total of 36 to graduate and as such I got 15 needing 21 more to finish up. Since they told me I need to take a minimum of 4 creds a semester to be a full time student it means two years with 2 summers more or less covers it all up. Then I finally get my degree and I am a graduated SOB. I already got my B.A is B.S so all I need is a piece of paper hehe. I am so glad my college career is back on track and as such no more need to freak out about what I am doing about the fall.
There is however my need now to get back into school and get that all prepped and ready. I know I got lots of school supplies but I am a little nervous since well for the simple matter my ex goes there. She once said or her “roommate” I am not sure whom on that matter asked if I was going there to harass her. I don’t even talk to her anymore since that time so I am hoping it’s perfectly clear I am not going there to do anything or deal with anything with her. I will be there for my education trying to make new friends and get on with my life as I hope she very well has. I am going for me and only me not on some sort of twisted revenge mission. I am not that kind of person and if that’s what she thinks I am not going to clarify anything since I am not even going to try and interact with her so that way we both have nothing to say to the other and no problems will ever arise.
My going into Wagner is most definite now all I have to do is get the whole situation settled with one class. Turns out the lab from my chem. class isn’t carrying over since they don’t show anything on the transcript of there being a lab. However I remember signing up for the class and the lab was a small 2 hr adjunct but it was a lab none-the-less. So I am faxing a letter to the head of the Chemistry Dept at Northeastern to fax an explanation to the lady at the registrar’s office that is dealing with my transfer. I am hoping it does count as a lab so this way my science requirements would be completely full and I can just focus on Psychology and nothing else.
7/27/04
Dear Die-ry,
Seems things are getting into a schedule of mass boredom that I can not believe! I just keep cleaning my room and the house and its seriously boring the hell out of me. I am still waiting for the paperwork for the envelope stuffing job and so it’s been nothing but arguing with my mom. Sometimes I know she is under a lot of stress however in my own room if something is out of place or this is a mess I am a hijo de puta automatically. That means son of a bitch translated to English for all non Spanish speakers. It infuriates me beyond any reason and then I miss Christine so much but I guess there is nothing I can do about that. I mean it was her choice and I did except it as something that must happen but ehhh still I feel lonely and often. I don’t know when Ill try dating again but not any particular time soon.
Onto other things in my life other then the absence of a love life in particular, there is my academic life and that seems to be going on course. I have sent a fax to the head of chemistry at Northeastern to clarify if my lab class does indeed count as a lab to Wagner standards meaning one less class I need to take to graduate hehe. It turns out I needed to fix something with admissions that something was they had the wrong social security number and so blah they couldn’t pull my student records or financial ones. I got that corrected and as soon as I send my deposit I should be happily on my way to going back to school and a non stop internet connection mwhahahaha. I don’t have much else to say ‘cept I maybe getting a sleeping schedule back hope to write back soon or chat with those of you online. Talk to you later night.
7/31/04
Dear Die-ry,
Turns out things are looking up and soon Ill be out of my home for a long long while. I have been very busy calling my school Wagner and making sure everything is in order. I’ve checked my financial aid status and my admissions status. Yesterday for that matter I mailed my deposit in for the fall semester which is a tentative date at the least. Fall semester starts the 30th of August so I am hoping that I have the money to go since I still owe Northeastern a tidy sum. It’s been a good run and I’ve kept on top of everything making sure there is no way for them to make a mistake.
I am very happy to be going to school since for me I can no longer handle being home. My sister has still been on my nerves every moment I have been home, Miguel well let’s just say I still keep it on my mind to never directly talk to him. My mother however has been a different case. It goes from good one day to hell another. I was at one point searching for a job but after my mothers constant heckling and my growing resentment of being home I have decided to be spiteful and not do anything ‘cept try to get back into school. I just need to get out of here its just making me more and more spiteful the longer I stay in these walls. I don’t mean to whine but what the hell do I come home just for them to have someone to yell at that’s different. It always seems like that to me and nothing as of yet has changed my mind.
I am hoping August turns out to be a different month then all the others I have spent here in Home; meaning one not at home but in school away from my family and not inside these walls that piss me off so much. I am also going to plan a summer of me working somewhere far away maybe at a camp or even try to get a job at the Staten Island Mall. I guess that’s all for now more at a later date.
8/4/04
Dear Die-ry,
Seems I have read quite a few books thus far and would like to take the time to just briefly list them.
Halo: The Fall of the Reach = 340 pgs
Halo: The Flood = 341 pgs
Halo: First Strike = 340 pgs
Dan Brown: Deception Point = 557 pgs
Diablo: Legacy of Blood = 355 pgs
Diablo: The Black Road = 360 pgs
Diablo: The Kingdom of Shadow = 339 pgs
~2632 pages read so far in the past month~
And currently reading:
Dan Brown: Digital Fortress = 429 pgs
Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray = 287 pgs
~3348 all together in this summer (so far)~
Reading is good and so far I have done tons of it being I am so into books again and reading. Seems I have a regular fascination with reading and gaining any sense of knowledge. As it can be seen more then a few of the books are science fiction or based off of video games. There is also just regular fiction as well as mystery/ adventure. I tend to like these books since they allow a sense of changing or adventure I lack in my regular mundane life. More later I got a few books to read.
8/8/04
Dear Die-ry
I don’t think the stress of the coming school semester is lying well with me. I have been feeling way out of the ordinary as of late. The pressure of trying to figure out my classes, traveling, packing, the eventuality of meeting Erica. It’s just too much for me as of right now. I have also been mega stressed out since being home period so the added stress is taking its toll on me. I really want to see my friend Vera and hang out for a few just to get my mind off of school and such.
The other thing breaking the little sanity of my mind is the constant nightmares or random thoughts on death. I know it’s a little morbid but I am seriously been freaking out cuz of it. I mean I have been in near panic attacks due to the random nature of the thoughts. I have kept myself in control but its taking a toll on my control. I nearly broke down and cried three times throughout the day. I really don’t know what’s up. I try to keep these entries short because as of late it’s difficult to sit down and right lots. Later…I will update soon.
8/9/04
Dear Die-ry,
Seems the days are just getting longer and something cold is stirring in my soul. I don’t know why I have been going through the great levels of fear I have been going through the past few days. It’s been too much for me and as such I am starting to crack. This thanatophobia (fear of death) of mine is getting out of hand. I really don’t know why and wish it would go away. There is nothing I can do about it like be immortal so I am going to need to deal. However it is easier said then done I just don’t know what to do and its getting on all my nerves. I have tried to keep myself busy and do art projects of different kinds but to no avail I still end up thinking about it and having a minor panic attack.
I just wish it would all go away, seriously it tires me to think of something that won’t happen for a great number of years and yet I can’t control when I do think about it. It’s something that grrrr. I have been reading books and the more I read the more I wonder why I cant be like one of the characters of the book immortal as long as the pages they exist on stay in the world. I don’t know what to say just maybe need to vent something’s out onto paper and get it out of my head. I just want to move on with my life: like get a girlfriend, get a degree, a nice job, and when the time is appropriate a family and a home of my own. Simple things but things I tend to fear will they ever come?
It’s stupid to think some of these things since I am only 21 years old but I hate being alone makes me feel useless most of the time. I just don’t know maybe I have been having too much down time and not enough time being kept busy, that’s probably the reason why I have been thinking so much. I guess when I go to school things will ease out and as such it will keep my mind more preoccupied then it is right now. Just in case I plan to see my therapist to finish what I started the summer before school. This way I can gain a sense of completion with these feelings maybe.
8/14/04
Dear Die-ry,
It has been a bit since I have written an entry and things have been a little hectic as of late. There have been tons of filling out paperwork and more paperwork as the days have stretched on. I have searched my house for all the things my new school Wagner has needed and as of today I know my financial aid package. I save about 5-6 thousand dollars in my transfer and almost all my credits were taken woohoo. I got 15 credits taken which means one more semester and I finish my sophomore year basically the same thing as I was in Northeastern. In Wagner I need 36 credits to graduate so I am basically half way there. I am also quite busy trying to figure out the tons of papers they have me signing.
I have signed room contracts, financial aid, learning communities’ forms, major selections, roommate selections, and who can remember what else. I have sent more faxes and been to the post office more often then ever in my life it’s crazy. There is the matter of me needing to find a cheaper place to send faxes since I’ve paid 4 dollars to have one page, handwritten for that matter, to one place in Connecticut. I needed my W2’s sent from Camp Sloane my summer ’03 job. I have been having only two things spoiling my fun of going to Wagner and these have been the filling out of all these damn paperwork’s and secondly the fear of my meeting Erica and some scene playing out.
I know I mention her a lot but it’s all based off of a conversation that I and her Roommate had online once. She asked if I was going to Wagner to harass Erica I told her in a long winded way I am not going to anything for Erica. My choice on school was based on placement, educational offerings, tuition and the fact that I had, had it as a choice way before ever really meeting her. I felt a bit taken back that someone would ask me if I was going anywhere to harass anyone. Hey I haven’t spoken to Erica since that time she im’ed me to ask how does a person break up with someone. I was completely understanding and tried my best to help and be removed from the subject. Hell last I checked I never mentioned once wanting to see her or call her. I did try calling once but that was very very early on in the break up. I mean I tried to be as removed as an ex as possible and try to get the friend angle but seeming I was either not worth the time or we both just gave up. I am still not sure what the choice was but I am not saddened that I am not talking to her. I have moved on got a gf, broke up, tried dating and then well currently comfortable in the single status of my life.
I know when I see Erica I will play it off since I don’t want to cause her any uncomfort in anything as I have never wanted too. I just hope she can let sleeping dogs lie and if we end up in the same classes well lets work together if the teacher states so if not. Just move on with out marry lives and ignore each other. I think it rather simple to just imagine she wasn’t there and that way neither of us would ever get in the others way and or get any conversations or arguments started. I just want to get my degree, make friends, and maybe get a girlfriend, and hell just get life rolling instead of this limbo of a non-school summer / jobless.
Ehhh I should move onto better things when I write I tend to get a little caught up in my past something that I have slowly been changing. Yesterday was a good day I went to the movies woohoo. I went to see two movies and those were Aliens vs. Predator and Yu-Gi-Oh. Yeah the second choice was a bit childish but since summer camp I have been caught up in that whole card game/ TV show. I am always a kid at heart so I went to see that after Aliens vs. Predator. AVP was not all that great for me it felt too short in the fight scenes between the aliens and the predators and it was built up so much and is sort of a let down. I say sort of since hell it is Aliens and Predators in the same movie and I love the predator weaponry BIG TIME! Yu-Gi-Oh was a good movie and I just like watching the duels they have. It is just a lot of fun and man I was happy to have a day of no filling out forms and just sitting back and watching stuff get killed or dueled lol. That’s all for now.
8/15/04
Dear Die-ry,
Yesterday night proved to be a little weird to say the least. Me and my mom had to leave the house for a few hrs since well seems that Miguel and my sister needed to lay the linoleum tiles down that my mom had brought about a month ago. When they ripped up the carpet hell it seems like someone dumped a 50 lbs bag of sand onto the floor. Since my mom is asthmatic and I have a horrible cough set off by anything we decided to go out in the car and get the hell away from the dirt.
The highlight of the day was the fact that we got new wipers for the car. We so needed them since the old ones didn’t work at all. My father is horrible now a day in the maintenance of the car. Seems like if we don’t do what needs to be done to the car it will simply fall apart. I mean he let the muffler fall off and had yet to take it for a tune up and it’s been three years since we had the car. He always blames it on money when hell there is money here in the house if he quit drinking as much as he does. It’s a frustrating subject to say the least for me since I absolutely hate whenever he is drunk.
Ehhh lets move onto other things not so blah. I quit smoking now for about 2 months or maybe a lil more. I smoked maybe one or two in the past while but that’s about it nothing more to that count. I am glad I did and as such my horrible cough has really gone down. I am now more then ever interested in starting in school I mean I can’t wait to start my classes. It seems weird that someone would be happy to go back to school but I’ve never been normal. I mean I want to learn I feel better as if my time wasn’t being wasted the moment I open a book and start needing to test myself. I have kept myself busy as of late with the whole art projects galore. I am currently between three projects that I have. One of them is a chessboard made from nails. I bought some 4 inch mason nails and will be one day taking them to my fathers shop in order to bend them and cut them to shape. Those shapes are still in the process of being drawn out. My plan notebook the one where all my art ideas are written into is getting more and more full.
I like doing art in case I have never written that lol. I love the feeling of having something made complete with my own hands and sweat. I have been researching a clay studio in Manhattan Ave, called The Mud pit, for 6 dollars an hr it isn’t bad. I still need to see though if Mr. Randle will allow me to go work at Poly there. If anything I’d be willing to help in the Raku firing or stoneware. Since I am trying to organize my school schedule to have one day off available during the week. Who knows I can be Mr. Randle’s apprentice hehe! Yesterday I accomplished part of one art project a Mace, Medieval Mace that is, I had some wood dowels from camp from a project I was doing and recycled them. I made a mock up of one of them and its serving as a template for the second one I am currently making, to say the least its killing time. Tomorrow though is going to be a hectic day as I will be calling Wagner to get some more of the paperwork I got filled out by calling the Academic Assistance line to set up a appointment for the coming semester as well as call financial aid to see about a payment plan.
Man it’s so close to the end I hope I fill out everything perfectly I so want to get into school. I still have this foreboding notion that I may have some sort of confrontation with Erica. I am just going to avoid her at all costs if by any chance Lizzy has told her that I am heading out there well I’ll deal. Last time I checked schools were for everyone and not licensed to a single person. I maybe over thinking this too much hell I haven’t spoken to her in like I think nearing a year maybe, maybe she will be friendly or at least not care I am there. I just fear a little that things may not go well and the last thing I want is to make my life uncomfortable or hers. Whatever happens, happens there is no way I can tell the future or think of her actions. I just hope for the best!
Well so far I am still reading books. I still haven’t finished The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde or Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. After I finish these I plan to read the Aliens vs. Predator series I think it’s a total of 4 books. In college I plan to read lots as well and not only the homework’s I get but just leisurely reading. In the randomness of this entry I need to start saving money to get a bigger hard drive for this computer I got at home. Maybe a 250 GB would be great that way I can store tons of stuff (anime, movies, music, pictures, etc & etc). Ehhh more later bye bye.
Dear Die-ry,
{7/18/04}
Seems like the longest time that I don’t update. I have been very busy and as such sadly my internet time has been limited to none at all. The internet has been down in my house for the longest time and as such I have tried to entertain myself with doing things in the house or going out for walks whenever possible. I have as stated in earlier entries been doing things in the house and finally it has come to my room. I got a new desk as well as a new dresser and have been busy trying to organize my room into something neat and tidy.
It has been a slow process though and much of the time it’s simply moving the piles of mess from one place to another. The desk though is quite comfortable and spacious my computer actually fits on it a miracle in itself. I have to more or less organized though it’s still a work in progress. The dresser is empty and it’s hard to figure out what is junk, storable or even what’s left to organize. It’s crazy to try and clean an entire room that I haven’t really lived in for the longest time and yet make it habitable. I miss all my friends since I can’t be online and so I can’t reach them. It’s like being isolated on an island full of people that more often then not get on your last nerve. I know I really don’t type much about my family but I think its time that I make a catch up entry and make it as long as possible without holding anything back.
My father has been his usual drunken self and my anger towards him or resentment has been steadily growing. It’s a sad thing to say one resents their own father however lets just say that maybe some day and not some day soon I may grow past it all. My mother has been ok though a bit off the wall. She goes from fine to bitchy in about as quickly as it takes to blink your eye. The most recent thing that has been going on is her constant yelling at me as useless or no good since I don’t go out and find a job. To many this may seem a valid argument since we all need a job and since I have been home a while I should get one. However; there is the fact I’ve been asking for one simple thing for weeks and yet it has not happened. The “job” I had originally asked for was one of a mail stuffing person. There is a place where all they do is pay you to stuff envelopes for them and it’s a good job since it has been officially backed by Miguel our roommate in our home (really my sisters bf but no one has hinted to my father). He stated that is does pay and if it says guaranteed that they have to pay me or face federal charges.
Hell if for stuffing 100 envelopes I’d get $400 who am I to complain. Secondly I’d get $800 for 200, $1200 for 300, and finally $1600 for 400. I could easily get $1600 a week for doing a job that I do at home and mail in once a week for which they pay postage and handling charges. Hell its way great and been asking to give it a go for about three to four weeks. However my mother never gets the time to mail it out or even to wake me to go send it out. I say wake me since my sleeping schedule has been shot to hell it’s literally I am a vampire since I sleep whenever the sun is out. I’ve tried on one then more occasion to pull an all nighter to get my schedule back to normal but that hasn’t worked at all. Plus with the way the room has been I have no choice but to stay in and try to fix it up to make it livable as well as walk able. Only recently have I found the floor once more.
Back to my family however I think something crawled up my sister’s spine and died because she is so insufferable to me. I can’t even pick up a cell and who it is and get yelled at. Like recently I picked up a cell since Miguel’s, my mothers, and my sisters look alike. Opening it; it made a noise and when she heard it she started calling me all things. Hell I just wanted to know who it’s was since I was going to put stuff on the living room coffee table. Ehhh to say the least I am trying to keep my patience but all I end up doing is mouthing off to her in a serious way not that she doesn’t deserve it. I have also been dating and been going out with this one girl and it’s been great no complaints not even the bit of traveling. I wish she was closer but who knows lol. I’ve seen her a few times and had tons of fun every time. I hope to see her soon again hopefully. I have also been wanting to go to six flags since that one time Erica ( my latest ex) took me I was so wanting to go back plus lol I have only two more roller coasters to ride to say I have ridden every ride in 6 flags hehe.
Other then what I have written there isn’t much more to tell…Well there is two or three things left hehe. The first being I am accepted at both Wagner University and on my way to finalizing my plans with Fordham. I think I may stay with Wagner however being that it is a hop skip and a way from my home and I may try commuting for a semester to see if that goes my way or try dorming later. I know my ex goes there but I haven’t spoken to her in what seems nearly a year so I don’t really care to see her but if I do no skin off my back…I just hope she doesn’t feel like skinning mine because the time for us to talk is over and Id just like to get on with my education so sorry to her for the inconvenience of going to the same school as she. I very much want to go out with friends as of late I can’t wait for Vera to come back to the states. I should call Ksenia as well and see if she is back from Poland yet maybe go to Boston for a weekend and go out drinking with one of my best buds. Ok I think this is enough for now. I most probably will be keeping a windows word entry running on my comp for when I do get online to post it all as one very very large entry.
{7/19/04}
Dear Die-ry
Well seems the ice has finally been broken between me and Miguel but I just cant help but realize that I am a psych major and as such in a fit of rage I have analyzed him in a way that can best be stated as crudely but it is a analyzation. Miguel’s childhood past of having a step father and a mother whose rage would often be directed towards him seems to finally have culminated in a myriad of social disorders. First he has issues with his body any mention of him being small and he must instantly raise the idea that he’s bigger or he’s stronger or state what he can life. It seems as a child his inability to protect himself from the staunch beatings he has had left an indelible mark in his psych that now he has to use his height and physical appearance as a deterrent to others or to further prove his masculinity.
His childhood seems to be filled with moments of his inability to protect himself as such now he is the first to hit or first to run there mouth in order to get his way or “protect” himself. As of late I have noticed that he can not be wrong I often state things and make it declarative only because I’ve gained my data through multiple readings and or innumerable areas of data. So often times when I speak I know what I am actually talking about or else I would ask questions or not talk about it at all. However my statements are often viewed as wrong or just “stupid” because of one source of data that he has which more often then not seems to be nothing more then word of mouth. Examples of this are prevalent with his “relationship” with my sister. She more often then not needs to simply quiet herself and allows his voiced opinion or statement to be correct in order to stop a long argument which started with nothing but him being wrong.
Further examples of this are the matters of his ideas of security. Being an ex- army sniper he believes his word is final in the definition of the idea of security. However my sister is not a security guard she is a loss prevention agent. A subtle difference in wording but the job application she signed is completely different from any he has ever done. In security the definition as I best can think it is to prevent the breaking of laws as well as enforce the said laws. My sister does nothing more though then watch the store making sure nothing is taken and make sure no one takes things out of any of the doors. Her job also states that she must for an hr or so be an operator at the phone as it is a rolling schedule as every once in a while there is a different agent manning the phones. Miguel’s job dictates both his carrying of a firearm and the use of force if the need arises. His job also states he must sweep the building making sure all is safe while my sister’s job ends as soon as the work day is over and the store closes up.
They had an argument that ended up in my sisters crying and finally his realizing a statement he had made earlier was wrong and that I wasn’t “jumping on the band wagon”. He has often found it necessary to state how I am wrong or how things I state at times is nothing more then agreeing with the crowd. I won’t deny this since the crowd is right and he is wrong I will not side with the party that is arguing uphill on something they have a flawed thought about. As today was the culmination of my completely being frustrated I have had a sort of fit of rage. One I have not had in the longest time…one that made me do a very small amount of physical damage which I already regret. However it was again his being right and my sister being wrong so I simply told my sister “Don’t argue he’s always right.” Seemingly angering him was it that he had to stand up and confront me on something. He very strikingly reminded me of the bastard bullies I used to have who had to use there size in order to intimidate the other person into retreating or trying to start a fight. I at this point was immensely pissed off and so I started feeling the ball of hate grow in me. I at one point started yelling he doesn’t frighten me that there is one person in the world that frightens me and that person was my own Mother. The person whom I respect above all and care for more then anyone else in the world!
I then sat in my room and felt all my old angers rising and as such I grabbed the nearest knife and started just holding it but finally being weak I gave in and scratched my arm. Let us not say other thoughts passed my own mind but things thought in anger are not always thought in the clearest of minds. I then simply started writing feeling that though he is taller then me I have won in a way since I know he is nothing more then a flawed little boy inside of a large body. Needing to use said body to prove to the world his worth and his position in life a maneuver he has seemingly been using for a while. I however need no crude show of force to know that I am better then I since for the matter of fact is I am smarter, and that I don’t need to resort to pressuring or intimidation to win an argument when I alone can safely say that he is an idiot. One for whom I regret going to church and staying at a mass for his dead brother in order to pay respects. I am sorry for his loss but I won’t be sorry anymore. I think its simply a matter of him now being able to raise the cruelest parts of me some I wish he never did. I plan to not talk to him and get out of my house whenever possible in order to relieve my anger; the other reason is to be able to get back to the person that Bella knows me to be since I don’t ever want this side of me to come out. It’s a sad fact but it’s come to my rational conclusion that I and Miguel will never be friends or anything of the sort. If he ever goes further with my sister I will see her and her children but not her. It’s a choice not set in stone however it is inching its way there.
I am ending this entry for tonight and as such I hope there will not be any more entries of this type for the longest time.
{7/20/04}
Dear Die-ry,
Seems things are not ok in my house as I would have thought. Turns out that me and Christine are no longer together and are going to wait a while and see if we should try it again. It deals with a series of circumstances that are out of our control so who knows. I was awakened today by Kuya Eric who told me to call Christine if I could. That conversation ended in that we should be apart for a long whiles and retry at another date. Since being awake at nearly 9:30 in the morning I decided to make use of my day and do a few things that I haven’t done. Since Miguel was coming home I decided I needed to be out of the house for a while in order to not try and confront him again and possibly do something I would regret.
I went out to Bay ridge to pay 200 dollars of my 400 something odd dollar bill. At the same time I decided to try and change my number from a 617 area code to a 718 in order for my calls to home not to count long distance despite being just around the block. This is still in the works but soon I will have a new number and I will use my phone wisely. I then went to the post office in order to get the money order needed for the envelope stuffing job and sent that out post haste. I was getting bored and hungry so hunger took over and decided to eat pizza before heading to park slope and getting a book at Barnes and Nobles. I got Halo the fall of the reach a good book dealing with the past right before the video game starts.
On my time out I thought of a rather cruel thing but one that I hope I not need use. Should Miguel ever lay his hands on me he would be the one getting proverbially screwed. Since he has a court case in which he is trying to get his kids any arrest what so ever especially one for assault would cost him dearly with his case to get his kids. I hope I don’t ever need to use this on him for this would be the culmination of many years of abuse in my own life releasing itself as a one act of pure cruelty to another. This is cruel in so many ways I really thought I was being an asshole for even thinking it but anger will bring the worse parts of a person. On another note I got in contact with an old friend Kayleigh and am so happy to get her number once more wow it has been a while since I spoke to her. I plan to call tonight or during the weekend and see what is up.
I am still rather pissed off at the moment and as such I am not one to be happy at all. I am really thinking of getting a dorm and moving out of my house as long as Miguel is here. I want my family to have peace and as such it seems that it only happens whenever I am away. I just hate that it seems whenever I am home things for my mother are “inconvenienced”. Just what the fuck I am planning to leave my home as soon as possible since I can no longer stand Miguel and or my sister’s “princess” ways.
Eh enough of the foul thoughts and ill reputes. I finished my book in one day in like 2-3 hrs I read 340 pages of book dealing with Halo lol. Now all I need to do is get the other book and I can keep myself entertained.
7/23/04
Dear Die-ry,
Well the last few days have been greatly uneventful to say the least. All I have done is slowly pick up the room and read my books. I have finally finished all three books of the halo series. They are all really good and all exciting I think I may buy some predator books up next. There is a small bookshelf in Barnes and Nobles I have been hitting up constantly during the last week. It’s the first shelf of the sci-fi section I so need decent writer’s names since I need to expand my reading section. I have only been reading books some based off video games for starters. The first books were the Diablo trilogy of books, then the halo trilogy, All six books of resident evil (with I am hoping there are more of those coming out). Then there is the slew of Magic books which I still need to get more of which I have read eight out of I don’t know how many.
There are a few authors names that I do know and appreciate there work. There is Isaac Asimov, S.D Perry, Dan Brown, Philip Pullman, Nix these are all the ones I know by name. I am really into Sci-fi but lol I need to get out into more. I just don’t know any good authors and I tend to stick to one genre and have a tough time leaving that genre. Sci-fi has always been a great fascination of mine. It allows me to get away from my life and go to other worlds and explore things my mind can clearly see. Well I just love to explore lol I think I need to go back to another camp cuz the woods was a great place. Random thought but just had to put it down. I am so into reading now and since I have some time before college…oh that’s right new news on my college search.
First I have been accepted into Wagner University in Staten Island New York so yay for that. Secondly 15 of my credits have been transferred over meaning I am a little under half way there. I need a total of 36 to graduate and as such I got 15 needing 21 more to finish up. Since they told me I need to take a minimum of 4 creds a semester to be a full time student it means two years with 2 summers more or less covers it all up. Then I finally get my degree and I am a graduated SOB. I already got my B.A is B.S so all I need is a piece of paper hehe. I am so glad my college career is back on track and as such no more need to freak out about what I am doing about the fall.
There is however my need now to get back into school and get that all prepped and ready. I know I got lots of school supplies but I am a little nervous since well for the simple matter my ex goes there. She once said or her “roommate” I am not sure whom on that matter asked if I was going there to harass her. I don’t even talk to her anymore since that time so I am hoping it’s perfectly clear I am not going there to do anything or deal with anything with her. I will be there for my education trying to make new friends and get on with my life as I hope she very well has. I am going for me and only me not on some sort of twisted revenge mission. I am not that kind of person and if that’s what she thinks I am not going to clarify anything since I am not even going to try and interact with her so that way we both have nothing to say to the other and no problems will ever arise.
My going into Wagner is most definite now all I have to do is get the whole situation settled with one class. Turns out the lab from my chem. class isn’t carrying over since they don’t show anything on the transcript of there being a lab. However I remember signing up for the class and the lab was a small 2 hr adjunct but it was a lab none-the-less. So I am faxing a letter to the head of the Chemistry Dept at Northeastern to fax an explanation to the lady at the registrar’s office that is dealing with my transfer. I am hoping it does count as a lab so this way my science requirements would be completely full and I can just focus on Psychology and nothing else.
7/27/04
Dear Die-ry,
Seems things are getting into a schedule of mass boredom that I can not believe! I just keep cleaning my room and the house and its seriously boring the hell out of me. I am still waiting for the paperwork for the envelope stuffing job and so it’s been nothing but arguing with my mom. Sometimes I know she is under a lot of stress however in my own room if something is out of place or this is a mess I am a hijo de puta automatically. That means son of a bitch translated to English for all non Spanish speakers. It infuriates me beyond any reason and then I miss Christine so much but I guess there is nothing I can do about that. I mean it was her choice and I did except it as something that must happen but ehhh still I feel lonely and often. I don’t know when Ill try dating again but not any particular time soon.
Onto other things in my life other then the absence of a love life in particular, there is my academic life and that seems to be going on course. I have sent a fax to the head of chemistry at Northeastern to clarify if my lab class does indeed count as a lab to Wagner standards meaning one less class I need to take to graduate hehe. It turns out I needed to fix something with admissions that something was they had the wrong social security number and so blah they couldn’t pull my student records or financial ones. I got that corrected and as soon as I send my deposit I should be happily on my way to going back to school and a non stop internet connection mwhahahaha. I don’t have much else to say ‘cept I maybe getting a sleeping schedule back hope to write back soon or chat with those of you online. Talk to you later night.
7/31/04
Dear Die-ry,
Turns out things are looking up and soon Ill be out of my home for a long long while. I have been very busy calling my school Wagner and making sure everything is in order. I’ve checked my financial aid status and my admissions status. Yesterday for that matter I mailed my deposit in for the fall semester which is a tentative date at the least. Fall semester starts the 30th of August so I am hoping that I have the money to go since I still owe Northeastern a tidy sum. It’s been a good run and I’ve kept on top of everything making sure there is no way for them to make a mistake.
I am very happy to be going to school since for me I can no longer handle being home. My sister has still been on my nerves every moment I have been home, Miguel well let’s just say I still keep it on my mind to never directly talk to him. My mother however has been a different case. It goes from good one day to hell another. I was at one point searching for a job but after my mothers constant heckling and my growing resentment of being home I have decided to be spiteful and not do anything ‘cept try to get back into school. I just need to get out of here its just making me more and more spiteful the longer I stay in these walls. I don’t mean to whine but what the hell do I come home just for them to have someone to yell at that’s different. It always seems like that to me and nothing as of yet has changed my mind.
I am hoping August turns out to be a different month then all the others I have spent here in Home; meaning one not at home but in school away from my family and not inside these walls that piss me off so much. I am also going to plan a summer of me working somewhere far away maybe at a camp or even try to get a job at the Staten Island Mall. I guess that’s all for now more at a later date.
8/4/04
Dear Die-ry,
Seems I have read quite a few books thus far and would like to take the time to just briefly list them.
Halo: The Fall of the Reach = 340 pgs
Halo: The Flood = 341 pgs
Halo: First Strike = 340 pgs
Dan Brown: Deception Point = 557 pgs
Diablo: Legacy of Blood = 355 pgs
Diablo: The Black Road = 360 pgs
Diablo: The Kingdom of Shadow = 339 pgs
~2632 pages read so far in the past month~
And currently reading:
Dan Brown: Digital Fortress = 429 pgs
Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray = 287 pgs
~3348 all together in this summer (so far)~
Reading is good and so far I have done tons of it being I am so into books again and reading. Seems I have a regular fascination with reading and gaining any sense of knowledge. As it can be seen more then a few of the books are science fiction or based off of video games. There is also just regular fiction as well as mystery/ adventure. I tend to like these books since they allow a sense of changing or adventure I lack in my regular mundane life. More later I got a few books to read.
8/8/04
Dear Die-ry
I don’t think the stress of the coming school semester is lying well with me. I have been feeling way out of the ordinary as of late. The pressure of trying to figure out my classes, traveling, packing, the eventuality of meeting Erica. It’s just too much for me as of right now. I have also been mega stressed out since being home period so the added stress is taking its toll on me. I really want to see my friend Vera and hang out for a few just to get my mind off of school and such.
The other thing breaking the little sanity of my mind is the constant nightmares or random thoughts on death. I know it’s a little morbid but I am seriously been freaking out cuz of it. I mean I have been in near panic attacks due to the random nature of the thoughts. I have kept myself in control but its taking a toll on my control. I nearly broke down and cried three times throughout the day. I really don’t know what’s up. I try to keep these entries short because as of late it’s difficult to sit down and right lots. Later…I will update soon.
8/9/04
Dear Die-ry,
Seems the days are just getting longer and something cold is stirring in my soul. I don’t know why I have been going through the great levels of fear I have been going through the past few days. It’s been too much for me and as such I am starting to crack. This thanatophobia (fear of death) of mine is getting out of hand. I really don’t know why and wish it would go away. There is nothing I can do about it like be immortal so I am going to need to deal. However it is easier said then done I just don’t know what to do and its getting on all my nerves. I have tried to keep myself busy and do art projects of different kinds but to no avail I still end up thinking about it and having a minor panic attack.
I just wish it would all go away, seriously it tires me to think of something that won’t happen for a great number of years and yet I can’t control when I do think about it. It’s something that grrrr. I have been reading books and the more I read the more I wonder why I cant be like one of the characters of the book immortal as long as the pages they exist on stay in the world. I don’t know what to say just maybe need to vent something’s out onto paper and get it out of my head. I just want to move on with my life: like get a girlfriend, get a degree, a nice job, and when the time is appropriate a family and a home of my own. Simple things but things I tend to fear will they ever come?
It’s stupid to think some of these things since I am only 21 years old but I hate being alone makes me feel useless most of the time. I just don’t know maybe I have been having too much down time and not enough time being kept busy, that’s probably the reason why I have been thinking so much. I guess when I go to school things will ease out and as such it will keep my mind more preoccupied then it is right now. Just in case I plan to see my therapist to finish what I started the summer before school. This way I can gain a sense of completion with these feelings maybe.
8/14/04
Dear Die-ry,
It has been a bit since I have written an entry and things have been a little hectic as of late. There have been tons of filling out paperwork and more paperwork as the days have stretched on. I have searched my house for all the things my new school Wagner has needed and as of today I know my financial aid package. I save about 5-6 thousand dollars in my transfer and almost all my credits were taken woohoo. I got 15 credits taken which means one more semester and I finish my sophomore year basically the same thing as I was in Northeastern. In Wagner I need 36 credits to graduate so I am basically half way there. I am also quite busy trying to figure out the tons of papers they have me signing.
I have signed room contracts, financial aid, learning communities’ forms, major selections, roommate selections, and who can remember what else. I have sent more faxes and been to the post office more often then ever in my life it’s crazy. There is the matter of me needing to find a cheaper place to send faxes since I’ve paid 4 dollars to have one page, handwritten for that matter, to one place in Connecticut. I needed my W2’s sent from Camp Sloane my summer ’03 job. I have been having only two things spoiling my fun of going to Wagner and these have been the filling out of all these damn paperwork’s and secondly the fear of my meeting Erica and some scene playing out.
I know I mention her a lot but it’s all based off of a conversation that I and her Roommate had online once. She asked if I was going to Wagner to harass Erica I told her in a long winded way I am not going to anything for Erica. My choice on school was based on placement, educational offerings, tuition and the fact that I had, had it as a choice way before ever really meeting her. I felt a bit taken back that someone would ask me if I was going anywhere to harass anyone. Hey I haven’t spoken to Erica since that time she im’ed me to ask how does a person break up with someone. I was completely understanding and tried my best to help and be removed from the subject. Hell last I checked I never mentioned once wanting to see her or call her. I did try calling once but that was very very early on in the break up. I mean I tried to be as removed as an ex as possible and try to get the friend angle but seeming I was either not worth the time or we both just gave up. I am still not sure what the choice was but I am not saddened that I am not talking to her. I have moved on got a gf, broke up, tried dating and then well currently comfortable in the single status of my life.
I know when I see Erica I will play it off since I don’t want to cause her any uncomfort in anything as I have never wanted too. I just hope she can let sleeping dogs lie and if we end up in the same classes well lets work together if the teacher states so if not. Just move on with out marry lives and ignore each other. I think it rather simple to just imagine she wasn’t there and that way neither of us would ever get in the others way and or get any conversations or arguments started. I just want to get my degree, make friends, and maybe get a girlfriend, and hell just get life rolling instead of this limbo of a non-school summer / jobless.
Ehhh I should move onto better things when I write I tend to get a little caught up in my past something that I have slowly been changing. Yesterday was a good day I went to the movies woohoo. I went to see two movies and those were Aliens vs. Predator and Yu-Gi-Oh. Yeah the second choice was a bit childish but since summer camp I have been caught up in that whole card game/ TV show. I am always a kid at heart so I went to see that after Aliens vs. Predator. AVP was not all that great for me it felt too short in the fight scenes between the aliens and the predators and it was built up so much and is sort of a let down. I say sort of since hell it is Aliens and Predators in the same movie and I love the predator weaponry BIG TIME! Yu-Gi-Oh was a good movie and I just like watching the duels they have. It is just a lot of fun and man I was happy to have a day of no filling out forms and just sitting back and watching stuff get killed or dueled lol. That’s all for now.
8/15/04
Dear Die-ry,
Yesterday night proved to be a little weird to say the least. Me and my mom had to leave the house for a few hrs since well seems that Miguel and my sister needed to lay the linoleum tiles down that my mom had brought about a month ago. When they ripped up the carpet hell it seems like someone dumped a 50 lbs bag of sand onto the floor. Since my mom is asthmatic and I have a horrible cough set off by anything we decided to go out in the car and get the hell away from the dirt.
The highlight of the day was the fact that we got new wipers for the car. We so needed them since the old ones didn’t work at all. My father is horrible now a day in the maintenance of the car. Seems like if we don’t do what needs to be done to the car it will simply fall apart. I mean he let the muffler fall off and had yet to take it for a tune up and it’s been three years since we had the car. He always blames it on money when hell there is money here in the house if he quit drinking as much as he does. It’s a frustrating subject to say the least for me since I absolutely hate whenever he is drunk.
Ehhh lets move onto other things not so blah. I quit smoking now for about 2 months or maybe a lil more. I smoked maybe one or two in the past while but that’s about it nothing more to that count. I am glad I did and as such my horrible cough has really gone down. I am now more then ever interested in starting in school I mean I can’t wait to start my classes. It seems weird that someone would be happy to go back to school but I’ve never been normal. I mean I want to learn I feel better as if my time wasn’t being wasted the moment I open a book and start needing to test myself. I have kept myself busy as of late with the whole art projects galore. I am currently between three projects that I have. One of them is a chessboard made from nails. I bought some 4 inch mason nails and will be one day taking them to my fathers shop in order to bend them and cut them to shape. Those shapes are still in the process of being drawn out. My plan notebook the one where all my art ideas are written into is getting more and more full.
I like doing art in case I have never written that lol. I love the feeling of having something made complete with my own hands and sweat. I have been researching a clay studio in Manhattan Ave, called The Mud pit, for 6 dollars an hr it isn’t bad. I still need to see though if Mr. Randle will allow me to go work at Poly there. If anything I’d be willing to help in the Raku firing or stoneware. Since I am trying to organize my school schedule to have one day off available during the week. Who knows I can be Mr. Randle’s apprentice hehe! Yesterday I accomplished part of one art project a Mace, Medieval Mace that is, I had some wood dowels from camp from a project I was doing and recycled them. I made a mock up of one of them and its serving as a template for the second one I am currently making, to say the least its killing time. Tomorrow though is going to be a hectic day as I will be calling Wagner to get some more of the paperwork I got filled out by calling the Academic Assistance line to set up a appointment for the coming semester as well as call financial aid to see about a payment plan.
Man it’s so close to the end I hope I fill out everything perfectly I so want to get into school. I still have this foreboding notion that I may have some sort of confrontation with Erica. I am just going to avoid her at all costs if by any chance Lizzy has told her that I am heading out there well I’ll deal. Last time I checked schools were for everyone and not licensed to a single person. I maybe over thinking this too much hell I haven’t spoken to her in like I think nearing a year maybe, maybe she will be friendly or at least not care I am there. I just fear a little that things may not go well and the last thing I want is to make my life uncomfortable or hers. Whatever happens, happens there is no way I can tell the future or think of her actions. I just hope for the best!
Well so far I am still reading books. I still haven’t finished The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde or Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. After I finish these I plan to read the Aliens vs. Predator series I think it’s a total of 4 books. In college I plan to read lots as well and not only the homework’s I get but just leisurely reading. In the randomness of this entry I need to start saving money to get a bigger hard drive for this computer I got at home. Maybe a 250 GB would be great that way I can store tons of stuff (anime, movies, music, pictures, etc & etc). Ehhh more later bye bye.