finally a big ass update
This by the way is an epic journal entry.
8/31/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Seems things are being no different then usual in my life. Things are never going the way they should be and not going easily. I am not asking for things to be given to me on a silver platter but come on make things a little easier then an act of desperation. Seems I can’t afford to go to school period for the time being. The reason for this is due to a 7000 dollar’s I owe to Northeastern University so I can not get transcripts sent out to any other school I would want to attend. Thus Wagner the school I am currently enrolled in well…I can’t go to it since I have no money to pay off the school. I am in a no win situation in any way you look at it. As such it seems ill be doing something a tad bit desperate.
~This desperate act would be to join one of the armed forces. I will be trying to join the United States Coast Guard. This is one of the only armed forces where they can’t ship my ass off of the United States. I will be only sent to the 50 states and as such not even all of the 50 states. I will be sent to Alaska, Hawaii, California, the East coast, and any states that are on the Gulf of Mexico. These would be the only places on the globe they can send me since the Coast Guard only defends the U.S waters. I will be of course going to about 8 weeks of Boot camp and since Miguel has explained it, it isn’t going to be an easy task to finish it. However after I am done I get benefits galore. One I get medical and dental coverage. Secondly I get all my schooling for free, they pay tuition, room & board, transportation should I take a bus, and books; Meaning school wise I don’t pay jack-didly-squat. I have no complaints plus if anything it can only build up my character. I mean come on take three years of active duty and then I will be done get paid twice a month and do some work. It’s almost the same as a job just one that’s a tad more intense.
~I am however failing to mention what brought along this fervor to join the armed forces of the U.S in specific that of the Coast Guard. Well first we need to skip to Thursday 26th of August. On that day I ended up going to Wagner College and was going for the soul purpose of getting my classes and to find out about orientation weekend. Well that’s where everything started its downhill fall. After getting my classes I learned that orientation was the coming weekend the weekend of the 28-29. Well I headed to admissions to figure out about when I should show up for orientation and while there learned I had a room assignment already. Hmmm this is where things get hectic. I end up at residence life where they give me a key and tell me where my dorm room was. Turned out I was living in Harbor View rm 1405 and had a roommate. After walking into the room getting a sense of where I will be staying for the next year, or so I thought, I headed home. When I got home I told them of the past events and they packed my computer and 4 days worth of clothes in order to drop some stuff off at the room at about midnight. Well I dropped it off and came home to go to bed to get ready for the next day.
~That was day one in the torturous weekend. Friday the 27th I came into my dorm room and hung out for a little while with my roommate. Ok things were going fine and I was pleased at the great view I had of the bay and the Verrazano Bridge. Well I called my mom and turns out that there was no way that I could afford at the moment to stay in Wagner due that one I still owe Northeastern and secondly the “payment plan” for the school had already started which means my mom would need to pay 2587 dollars upfront and an additional 1089 every month for 8 months. Meaning I should die where I stand. I had to then go to admissions to differ enrollment for about 6 months. 7’ish that night my mother picked me up and I moved out of the room. Ehhh I spent from about 10 am - 8 pm in my dorm room and in college wow what a long time right??
~Then of course I got home and let me tell you I nearly blew every gasket I could mentally. Finally seeing I had no other option I went to bed.
9/02/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Hmmm so let’s see what has happened in the past two days well to sum it up been FUCKING busy to say the least. Since knowing I can’t go to school because it can’t be afforded I have run through a major plan. Get all the damn paperwork needed to get into the Coast Guard. Today me and my mom went out to Manhattan to get a copy of my Birth Certificate since the Coast guard needs one. While out in Manhattan we went into a star bucks and I made my mom drink her first White Mocha Cappuccino with a tiny bit of Nutmeg she loved it. It was also a weird moment because we ended up wandering Manhattan and ended up near the World Trade Center Site. We saw what was left and the WTC Cross the one made from crossed I beams recovered from the wreckage.
~It was a somber site and I and my mom did not decide to stay there for long. We then took to the train to Brooklyn so I could get a new social security card since my original was laminated and I didn’t sign it since well it actually is the very first one my mother received over 20 years ago. I needed one I could sign to use it as an actual form of identification. That was pretty much all day and well nothing else happened.
9/03/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well today was turning out to be one hell of a boring day. Woke up rather late and went shopping for my mom for stuff to make Hamburgers. I love them so of course I headed out and got the stuff. The day from then on just crawled along with me and my mom watching TV and just well relaxing doing nothing. I was starting to feel miserable and bored since doing absolutely anything and being stuck at home isn’t my idea of a fun filled evening.
~After having a long fight with my father about politics I had a saving grace Lizzy called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I was blown away that Lizzy was in the state and also now separated from her beau Mike. It’s a long and personal story but the point was WOOHOO I get to hang out with one of my close friends. I had fun doing nothing but trying to get Louisa a friend of Lizzy’s to meet up with this boy. Turned out it never happened and the guy was being seemingly apprehensive or meeting anyone tonight. WE later just wandered around ‘til we found some people to talk to and just chilled with a girl named Jen. Who by the way is quite cute and has a cute lil kitty, that I so want lol. The thing that took the most time for us to do that night was take Louisa to her home in 96th street in Manhattan. Damn near took us an hour to get there. Since Lizzy still needed to finish some last minute packing we went over to her house in a cab. There I helped her pack and take everything down to the first floor. We did talk a lot this night since I left her house 10 minutes to 5 in the morning. We spoke a lot of past relationships and of what she was currently going over. We basically poured our hearts out to each other.
~It felt good to finally be able to say all the things I needed to vent to someone who had faced similar things in her life. I wont lie sometimes I wish I could date Lizzy but we are good friends and there are some things I don’t ever want to mess up. Due to all our talking this night and early morning of 9/04/04 I have gotten myself to thinking hard and dredged up a few things from my very past to the more present. It goes something a little like this.
~My first relationship was with a girl named Nicole Grillos. One for who for all intents and purposes was my very first romantic tie to someone. Things ended up rather badly however I have no ill will and still wish to this day to be able to just chill and chat up a storm. Maybe she can teach me to sing like that will ever happen.
~My second relationship was to a girl by the name of Darcy Marie Smyth., since dating her for six months there was an intense personal affection, emotional ties that showed me the truer meaning of love besides a crush. It ended badly to say the least and left me a bit worse for wear. However that would soon change after a lengthy period of time in which I grew out of my sullen state.
~My third relationship was one that for me felt like the real thing and in which though a bit quick I uttered the three little words. It was great relationship in which lol I met so many people I thought my name would be a commonly said phrase in Megan Connolly’s home town. It was a good relationship one that it even seems a friendship which is what I wanted at the end could not be achieved. I miss her as a friend and in lonely moments more but as they say time heals all wounds. I don’t mean to dismiss this moment but I felt it best to move on quickly and try to heal the one emotion in my heart that was being hurt the most that emotion being the emotion of love.
~I then stayed single for quite a while until Lizzy introduced me to a beautiful girl by the name of Erica Stone. This was again an almost instant connection despite my first inability to notice the not so subtle hints she was giving that she was interested in me. I fell in love again almost instantly…seems love comes to me easily after short periods. I have from then taken into consideration many actions. This relationship ended at a camp we both worked at. While at this camp at the end I do admit to acting immaturely and believing hearsay, an act to this day I regret. However after a period of doubt, weirdness and finally acceptance I decided it be best to leave her be. I did not want to be the annoying ex-boyfriend who’s the thorn in the girl’s side though I did make clumsy mistakes in the friend department which were entirely my fault. Now I only worry that I will upset her at all while going to my new college of Wagner, which if I do get into the Coast Guard I will most definitely attend, since it seems it upset her the idea of me going there. I can only hope the campus is big enough so that we will not meet and if we do I will be as cordial as possible and hopefully get the same. I say hopefully since we no longer talk and do not know if there is still any friction between us. It may dredge up memories to see her but I owe myself and for her piece of mind to remove the ties of old memories to any new ones that may transpire.
~My most current relationship was one that for all my thoughts made me feel happier then I have since the leaving of Northeastern in the summer of this year. I ended up searching through personals on yahoo for fun to meet new people and hopefully make new friends since most of mine were out of state or country. I ended up talking to this girl Christine “Maganda”, I don’t want to put her last name for reasons of my choosing, and we seemed to really click in our instant messaging. There was then of course the big day in which I asked if she wanted to chill with me so we could talk in person. You could not imagine my surprise to see this girl whose picture paid her no justice. We talked, laughed, held hands and clicked. Soon phone calls and a large amount of texts would be our favorite ways of keeping in touch. We both opened up to each other quickly and told each other things that had taken months for either of us to tell to anyone else. It felt good and I was happy however soon there would be a time where the distance of the constant traveling and inability to see each other due to conflicting schedules and due to her own devices would cause us to amicably withdraw from the relationship. Many things were said and all of them were meant we have decided we are both single however in a said time period if we are still single we should try again but not think of each other as romantically linked.
~In my relationships I have learned many things from the simplicity of opening up to another person to the whole hearted sharing of ones heart. There have been there ups and downs and some memories that seem best forgotten. However to forget all these memories and not grow from them would be a great crime against oneself. I have learned to trust, to love, to mature, as well as to mature within my relationships. I have seen myself mature in such a way where I seem to make less and less mistakes in relationships though not perfect and probably damn near far from it…I feel I can say with dignity and maturity that I have become a better person. From not feeling love, except for the family variety, to having my heart broken; from simple caresses to sex I have truly learned a lot. I still need to grow in the whole letting go however it is my one last lesson that seems harder and harder to truly grasp.
~I have the bad habit of whenever I am single for long periods of time missing what I have had. I will run through memories of past girlfriends and the times we shared, more often then not hurting myself in the process at least emotionally. I seem to like winding up my clock too tight and making my mind run away with itself. I don’t know why it happens to often but Id only be lying if I said it didn’t happen. I often think to myself wouldn’t it be great if I got back with said person, or tried to make a friendship workout. I have tried to be friends with my ex’s but more often then not I either lose touch, as is the case with two of them, or I find it too difficult to sort through the memories of the past and remove the emotions properly from them, with one only this applies, and the rest I guess a lack of communication or them not wanting to communicate…Whatever the case maybe I am slowly learning that memories of love need not ever raise an old love back to the present. This lesson is slowly being learned and still I tend to hurt myself by allowing old emotions to take over.
~One thing I can sort of blame my unwillingness to let go of things is just I get accustomed far too easily. I mean every time I am in a relationship I get settled into being with that person and opening myself up to the person, hell even getting used to just holding my significant other…being a creature of habit seems to have its great flaws. I guess it’s just hard for me to let go since I always feel so lonely. I always feel alone when I am with friends I feel comforted and can be funny and my usual self. However the moment I am alone I feel a crushing weight on my heart and on my soul. I have grown accustomed to it over time but it has not gone away. I mean yeah it’s always cool to be single and I can sometimes refocus time on myself…but I miss the little moments the most. The cuddling, the rides in cars, conversations, tickling, kissing, playing with a girls hair, to just staring into there eyes as they say they love me. That feeling doesn’t need to be explained to anyone who has felt love. I may have gotten my heart broken once but nonetheless I still live by following my heart. I can be clumsy and often times repeat the same mistakes like not changing (in the sense of a problem I don’t notice, takes effort to make me notice), acting more my age, the knowledge to know the difference between time to be silly and time to be mature. These things are all part of my character as such it takes a strong woman who is willing to be there with me to show me to be more mature and I will be there to make sure she still knows how to be a kid. I have always been accused of being a kid inside of a big body, if you consider 5’8 tall lol. It’s just how I am I enjoy an evening indoors cuddling and tickling then a lavish day out walking to a bazillion places. I love the little things and those little things are far too numerous to put here.
~I guess you can say it was an evening of deep introspection by the two of us. It was just a good night overall one in which I got to spend some quality time with a friend I cherish time with. Plus lol it isn’t every night a guy gets to chill with two busty ladies lol! I was a perfect gentlemen no worries to anyone reading this. I even escorted Lizzy to drop her friend off and get her back home and finished packing. I guess the only other thing I can write about is the fact that I got some magic decks and cant wait to see if Forbidden Planet the comic shop in Manhattan has Magic Fridays, which is as the name states during a Friday and in shop games are played, and play some other magic players and test out my decks one by one on unsuspecting victims lol.
~On a side note just a small mini entry. I met a cool girl today completely by accident lol. This girl is called Jen a Chinese or Japanese girl who loves video games, and computer games. I asked Lizzy to share my screen name it be nice to make a new friend with similar interests. Just been so bored as of now it seems I wont be able to see any of my friends for a while so new ones nearby is always a good thing. They are all mostly in different states or countries and I haven’t really had the internet so to say the least I have been isolated here in my home. These entries whenever posted come from me paying at a cyber café or being over at my family friends Awilda’s house. I tend to type them at home and save them to disk so this way I can post them online. I am just a little bummed now days for reasons I will actually list lol.
1) NO friends nearby
2) The possibility of me not getting a job due to Coast Guard stuff
3) Needing to join the Coast Guard as a way to both gain money and go to school
4) Not being in school and not getting my darn education
5) Living with my family (the whole being between 4 walls with them HELLS no!)
6) Being Bored out of my gourd since I am only playing a waiting game with the coast guard
7) To be blunt I want a date lol!
9/04/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well today was a late starting day since I didn’t go to bed ‘til about 11 this morning then I didn’t wake up until just about 6 ‘ish. Yeah I am a vampire I sleep when the sun is out and I am awake when the Moon is out. Well for today I wanted to go to Park Slope in order to read my mail and such well never happened as I fell asleep. The day then stretched on and it seems my sister and her Bf was finally cleaning up my sister’s room for her to sleep in it rather then Miguel. It took them about three hours meanwhile I went out to get some stuff for my mom like cigarettes and aluminum foil. She said to ring the bell the moment I got all the stuff so me and her can stay out of the house for a little and keep away from our pests (these pests or annoyances to be fair would be my sis and her bf).
~Well me and my mom started talking about my future should I join the Coast Guard and my idea to do with my money is to get a house for my family. Something like a four floor or three floor building with a garage for either. I mean hell I will be making a minimum of about 1500 about every two weeks. Meaning every month if I remember what was explained to me it be about 3000 a month not including my paycheck goes up after OCS. This OCS is Officer Candidate School meaning I would be higher then a recruit seaman (lowest rank entering), I would be more like a Lieutenant or hypothetically a captain of a boat (not really sure of rankings so don’t quote me Ill just be high up hehe). Damn means that 3000 a month can only increase and means paying a house would be mad easy. I like to think positive that the whole check can be separated into paying old bills for my back dues, home payments, home improvements, furniture, motorcycle, insurance, and just generally helping out my parents.
~Well after this whole thing and we ended up back upstairs my dad comes in saying he has a present for me. It turns out he won about 5000 dollars in the lotto and well it means my Northeastern bill is more then three quarters of the way paid for. Damn hell for luck coming out in a pinch by one number my father didn’t get 150,000 damn but hell one can’t complain its still money. Meaning I am so much closer to getting rid of all the over due bills as well as a further step closer to going to school again and a brighter future. Man I am glad we got that money things will be a little easier here at home then. I am still not searching for a job since I am still not sure what’s happening in the Coast Guard. I am playing a waiting game that’s really stressful and not allowing me to go on with other plans. I mean I can’t go get a job if I am going to quit it two days later since I will be going to basic. I wish someone out there could explain basic for me just so I can expect some of it…is it like the movies?
~Since hanging out with Lizzy I have been feeling a little down. I guess the actual act of hanging out with a friend was very sorely missed by me. I must have not thought about how much I missed my friends ‘til I actually had a friend to hang out with. Ehh its just a tad annoying that in my neighborhood there isn’t a single person I can consider able to become a friend. They are all mostly drug pushers, low-lives, or just not the kind of people Id want to associate myself with. Hmm I am actually planning to try again the whole internet searching for people…damn me and not being able to just jump into crowded places and getting to know people. Someone I know stated the best way to meet people or possible girlfriends is to go to a club but even then since I have done it so very few times in my life it feels odd to be in those situations. I can dance but mostly to salsa and meringue so when it comes to club music I feel lost above all things. I like listening to music or if I was able to go to concerts. One thing I am promising myself is I am going to try and go to more concerts once I get money (either job or Coast Guard).
~One thing though that’s a definite is that I will be saving some of the money I get either way to get myself either a small car or a motorcycle. I know for starters that a motorcycle allows you more freedom and a person is one with the road, however a car has safety and the ability to survive accidents. I am leaning towards a car in my thoughts but the notion of a motorcycle feels so freeing to me. There is only one major hitch about the motorcycle I am a music freak I love listening to music. I love the idea of just making a mix cd and traveling to it. Plus since most or all of my friends are far out of the way I could always just drive up to them. Well I guess that’s enough of that introspection I guess as I was saying I miss my friends TONS.
~This all really started coming up when my mom took me out in the car. Since sadly I haven’t had any time or financial ability to take drivers ed again, the reason again is because my last instructor taught me crap, I taken out for rides rather then just going out for one. I mean yeah I am ok being alone but there comes a point where even while watching TV I wish I had friends calling to go and chill somewhere. In college my so call friends of the time were great and we did stuff, however either by my fault or just there willingness to let me go…I was dropped pretty much. I mean yeah currently now it doesn’t matter but when I went back to Northeastern for a semester I felt abandoned ‘cept for those people who were willing to still stay there like Ksenia, Vera, Rachel, and Kymmy.
~Ehh it’s been a long day and it’s currently the next day already as I write this more tomorrow later.
9/07/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Today is Labor Day and it’s another boring day in my house. Like usual being in Vampire mode means I did not go to bed to nearly 7 this morning and woke up at 6 in the afternoon. The entire day was a simple blur of boredom. I guess the most I did was get out of the room and sit and watch TV, nothing really out of the extraordinary to say the least. The one thing I guess as of late I have been doing is getting steadily more and more into playing an old card game I know. It’s probably well known to those who have played before its called Magic: The Gathering it’s a dueling collectible card game. I had a ton of them once before I threw them out a damn stupid thing to do. However I am really back into it and slowly when I really can I buy cards to make more and more decks.
~So far I got 6 decks each one containing about 75 cards in each. Magic is a simple game in that the whole purpose is to destroy your opponent and win the duel. I was pretty ok at one point at it and then gave up on it for a few years. Then at camp with the kids getting me interested in Yu-gi-oh I once again was bitten with the interest to play card games. Though at first yu-gi-oh was the prime game I played I slowly dug out my old Magic cards and put three basic decks together. One was already made and packaged and that one was called Fires. That deck I did not fool with at all and instead left it as is and used it. It was on ok deck and as such it worked. The other two decks that I had at hand were Pummel and Barrage. These two were prepackaged but I tinkered with them a bit. Then of course with Miguel’s help I made two more decks. These are Bruise and Slaughter, these were created from the myriad of cards I had in a box in my room. The latest deck I have is a deck I made almost entirely by myself and this one is called Hardware.
~I won’t go into the lurid detail of which decks have what since each one would be a page of typing. I just wanted to say I love magic so feel free to send me magic card booster packs lol. I can wish cant I? Just planning for Thursday or Friday to go to Forbidden Planet in Manhattan in order to play some other duelists, I just want to get back full swing into the scene. More later on…Ciao!
~Just a short reminder to myself I have a black deck with artifact creatures, 2 red and green deck, 1 green deck, 1 black and blue deck. I need to create black deck black creatures, white deck, white and black, red and blue, blue and green.
9/12/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well so far this weekend has been great I mean yeah I got to go out and hang out with a friend hehe. Turns out Friday afternoon as I was checking out a store called “The Superhero Supply Store” which in fact has a front as its name states but really is a tutor center for kids, back to what I was saying turns out Lindsy calls me saying she wants to hang out and she doesn’t know if she wants to go see a movie or rent one because she was feeling beat. So I basically wander around Park Slope a little when at my fave comic book shop I bump into my friend from Poly D. We ended up walking around talking about comics and movies and to anyone outside of my friends would call geekish stuff lol.
~I take the bus back home and start getting ready to head out to Manhattan. I didn’t get all dressed up but did wear a more dress up t-shirt and ironed my blue jeans and to top off the look I wore my white timberland merges. Well the train ride there took longer then I would have thought and I was half an hour late getting near Lindsy’s home. When I finally got to the restaurant Lindsy so did not like my new short hair style stating never again I should do that. Dinner went well and there was lots of chit chat between me and Lindsy and her parents. It was very enjoyable and made me feel unburdened of the stress I was and am going through currently with this whole college thing.
~I had ordered a filet mignon and to tell the truth missing out on steaks for so long my tummy was extremely happy. After dinner we ended walking to Lindsy’s home and on the way we chatted had fun and well simply enjoyed each others company. We ended up renting at a local Blockbuster Boondock Saints. It’s a great movie and she was in love with one of the brothers in the movie lol. We spent the entire evening just sitting in chairs and chit chatting and watching movies. It has been far too long since I was able to hang out with a friend and Lindsy was more then a good choice to spend time with. As payment as well as just to soothe her aching muscles I gave her a massage lol I think she loved me for the time I was massaging every knot out of her back and arms. Since she wears a messenger bag those things tend to screw up your back big time.
~Near three in the morning we both ended up going to bed me in the pull out couch and her in her room. That was the evening of the 10th. The 11th I woke up at a startling 8:30 in the morning something I had never done and was greeted by Lindsy’s Parents as they were already up. Her father was getting ready for a long bike ride and was joking with me all morning. Her mother offered me breakfast and when I stated I didn’t want to be a bother her father stated “Hector your not a bother so stop acting Guest like and sit down and eat some breakfast, I am half Jewish and love seeing people eat and be happy.” Or something around those lines lol.
~It was good to eat cereal and such with Lindsy’s folk’s lol one could almost discern from this entry that I’d be dating Lindsy lol and that’s not the truth. She is just a dear friend and as such spending time with her is always good. It was a great time and around 10 that morning I left Lindsy’s house not saying goodbye to her since she was dead asleep and I didn’t want to be rude and wake her. So I went out for a walk to Lexington avenue to get on the 6 train to 59th street so I can catch the R. I got out at 8th street in order to wander around St. Mark’s Place and see all the cool stores that line that block. The only other thing I did while in Manhattan was to go to Forbidden Planet Comics and scope the store out for a while. I ended up getting another magic deck and a really cool card…sorry for sounding like a geek lol. I am just excited to be playing again and since it’s a strategy game its great for me to play to flex my brain which it hasn’t been doing much of since I’ve been home. The day pretty much ended with me being home and just watching TV nothing more then that and finally hitting the sack way early.
9/21/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Today has been a fruitful day in more then one way. Today I went to Manhattan with Miguel and got him some cards from the shop I always go to. He ended up getting the cards he wanted for his decks and I did the same but also got help cutting down my deck significantly making it easier to draw creatures as well as mana and making the deck more lean and mean. I am relieved my deck has the ability to win something though I lost first shot in my first attempt at a tournament the kid kept playing a card that allowed him to get rid of my ability to play because he would end up using my turn. It was annoying and as such I lost pretty badly 2 loses in a row and the rest of the night wasn’t any better since everyone I was playing against was able to get the better of me deck wise. To make the situation that much more laughable a 12 year old kid beat me at the game.
~The past couple of weeks nothing much has happened here at home just me and Miguel have been at each others throats and as such I would and still do want him out of my house. I mean who in their sight minds wants a mooch living in their house come on. I told my shrink this and seriously its just mind numbingly annoying already and my mother for no good reason what so ever keeps on putting up with it. I am just so frustrated about it that I barely want to talk about it. Just grrr arggggg
~Highlights have been talking to my friend Deborah who I seriously need to keep better in contact with, and Lizzy were all welcome breaks in the monotony that has become my life as of now. I just wish I could see them and get to hang out since damn it’s been a major bore being home. Just need to get out so playing magic in a comic shop seems to be what I need to do in order to get out and do something with my life since I am still waiting on the Coast Guard recruiter and to no avail seem to reach him. I am just mad bored can anyone tell lol? More on a later date.
9/24/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well today was another day in my life that went well in the beginning but ended badly. First let me recap yesterday. Yesterday I went out to Poly for a while after I stopped off to get some Magic Cards. I went to the Ceramics Studio and went to get dirty with working with clay. Me and Mr. Randle got about to the usual comic atmosphere that happens when you mix his witty humor with my off the wall antics. He is a great teacher and a good guy no kid at Poly has ever stated that they ever hated Mr. Randle. So back to the point I went and finished some bowls I was making and took some stuff home most probably on Monday I will head back to do some more work.
~Onto today shall we. I woke up and got ready for my day of playing and tooling around since I have yet to hear from the Coast Guard. I went to Mutant Mania III to get a 20 card booster pack of cards and then got onto to the train so I could head out to Manhattan. I got there a while later and went straight to St. Mark’s Avenue to go to Quizno’s the absolute best place to go get a toasted hero. Man it was great to eat that Hero since it was the only thing I had eaten all day up until that point. I walked around a bit before going to the comic shop where for about the next 3-4 hrs I spent playing Magic: The Gathering. It was so fun and I won once only because it was outside of competition and secondly he told me the final move to play. Man I need to work on that deck so much. It was fun though nevertheless.
~However once I got home man that’s when things went sour. It took a little while for things to start like when I asked my sister to play magic with me. That was all going well and good ‘til it seems she forgot something I did earlier then I tried to explain to her what I did was correct and then she tried to do another move. This was when things got heated. I tried to explain that what she was playing was correct on the other hand it was extended to something else dealing with my cards. So then I just got up and left playing since it seems that going to competitions, asking player and refs for the rules, playing in rated tournaments means that I don’t have a clue about what I am talking about. I am just tired how it seems I am the Liar, or “I change things when I want” or I am “sly” whenever it comes to playing Magic and the rules aren’t the way they like it.
~I am just decided to constantly just go and play Magic over in Manhattan and make a 30-40 minute trip on the slow ass R line just to go play a game I could at home but since I “cheat” all the time makes no sense to do so. Ehhh whatever they can go to hell for all I care he thinks his decks are so great because he makes them only to go up against my deck and that is all. Well tough luck for him my deck gets its ass handed to it all the time by ranked and better players. I am going to bed lets hope I get signed by the Coast guard ‘cuz this is crap dealing with my home.
More here to read trust me...
10/15/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well it has been a while since I have updated and as such well here’s a newer entry with a long bit of catching up to do. Well turns out I was taken to MEPS which is basically the medical entrance exam to the armed forces. It was a lengthy affair that took all of two days. The first day I ended up at Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn waiting in the MEPS building for 5-6 hours until they called the people who were going to go to the hotel for the night. The hotel was the Garden Inn Hilton in Staten Island we were there I guess so we would all be in the same place and they would pamper us a little before the next day full of poking and prodding. It was a nice place and they gave us dinner a god send since I was so damn hungry it wasn’t even describable.
~It was also a fun evening my roommate in the hotel room was signing up for the Army while there were others in the hotel signing up for Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, Air Force. I think the Coast Guard was one of the fewest present. It was great though to talk to all these different people and it made me more comfortable with the idea that I was signing up for an armed forces. I guess one can say it was good to see there were decent people under the same situations I was who were signing up. The evening was punctuated with me hanging out with Private Swan a female candidate to the Army and we played scrabble and chit chatted it was the highlight since it was one of the first females I had spoken to who was not just a friend but a complete stranger…Now if I could only find a date and not be shy during the date lol.
~Skipping to later that same evening the evening of Wednesday the 6th of October is when I tried to go to bed. After showering and watching TV I found it nearly impossible to go to bed and we had a 4 o’clock wake up call to go eat breakfast so we would be on the way to the base by latest 5 o’clock. I ended passing out near 12 at night. It was a crazy night so far and the next day was going to be a very very long one indeed. The day started at 3:30 in the morning as me and the roommate decided we wanted to wake up a half an hour early so we can dress shower and stretch before the wake up call. We then packed our shit and went downstairs and grabbed our breakfast and all of us present sat and joked ate and were comfortable with joking with each other. The ride back was a quiet one however since we all knew it was going to be one of those days we wouldn’t like at all.
~We were all so right since we were given a briefing of what they were going to do as well as give us a breathalyzer. This was to make sure we weren’t drunk the evening prior or we would be disqualified. The day then toiled on with hearing tests, vision tests, drug tests, HIV tests, a physical (containing a hernia check, heart check, full body exam), then there was a time I was just in boxers with the rest of the guys there as they wanted to see our range of motion and check our joints. Then I had to go to the VA Memorial Hospital to get an x-ray to check my kidneys to see if I had any new stones and that would disqualify me. I had none so I was in the clear…however an old mistake in my past has come up to haunt me. This mistake would be that one time I tried to commit suicide, a stupid mistake that at the time seemed like a plausible idea. I severely regret that action with all my heart and wish it never happened. So now I am waiting for all that paperwork to go through to see if they will take me or not and see how that works. Should that go through in September I will be able to go back to Wagner and stay there for the last two years I have left. I really want to go to school and I really want to join the Coast Guard. I guess this is long enough for now another one coming soon I hope.
10/18/04
Dear Die-ry,
(Friends only)
~Well this weekend was a different one then the average boring days of doing nothing. I ended up going with my friend Lizzy to Massachusetts to accompany her to her old high school. It was a long long trip of about 4-5 hrs but with the absence of traffic it only took 2 and a half hrs. It was great though we talked bullshitted around and took some pictures of how lovely the trees were as the leaves were changing color. We were heading to her old high school in order for her to see some friends and some teachers there. She needed time away from her boyfriend and as such I went with her to make sure that she would stay awake on the ride up and back.
~It was cool to see her old high school that is called Cushing Academy…man I was so jealous of there art department I was drooling at the jewelry, ceramics, sculpture, photography, and metal work studios. I would have never left the art department lol people would have to come to me lol. It was a large campus and man it was so pretty in a small town and with beautiful country surrounding it. To tell the truth I was very jealous of her school and wished I had gone there instead of finishing at Poly. This is a momentary thought since so many things I do like happened at Poly and I would never want to not have them or the memories of that place. Soon after spending a little while at the school and looking around and such we met a friend of hers and headed out to her Grandparents house.
~Right before heading to Lizzie’s grandparent’s place we stopped at a farm by the name of Wilson’s Farm a great place full of organic produce a vegans best dreams. I bought for nearly twenty bucks a giant pumpkin like 14-17 lbs and a book to carve a great jack-o-lantern out of. I was and am so proud of the pumpkin hehe. Maybe Ill try to post pics of it after it’s carved. The carving that’s going on it is the Headless Horseman. While at her grandparents I had a great time. Her grandparents both of French decent and both were in World War II, the grandmother was a nurse and the grandfather I think was in the navy if I remember right. I had more then my fair share of intellectual conversations and it felt great to finally flex my gray matter. The evening was punctuated with a sit down formal dinner of beer chicken and couscous. Lizzie’s aunt Anik and her Husband Doug were there and they were Harvard Graduates A+ Summa cum Laude Graduates and more smart convos continued on into the night until the Red Sox game started which was after dinner and dessert of Apple pie.
~I ended up going to bed like 9 at night I have never gone to bed at 9 at night but I did and wasn’t woken up until 10:00 Sunday morning. It was a great sleep in the country silence and it’s something I doubt I will ever forget. Lizzie’s grandparents were kind enough to serve me breakfast before we headed out and we then went back to Cushing in order to meet up with her Aunt and her friend Susan. We waited for a while and her aunt showed up a lovely lady who was very kind and very easy to befriend.
10/19/04
Dear Die-ry,
~I have been having a rough time as of late here at home with the dealing with me being alone. More often then not I feel weighed down by my memories and how some give me pleasure and others bring nothing more then great sorrow. I really have no explanation for the things that have been happening in my life except I feel my life is on hold and I hate it. I have been waiting for the Coast Guard to tell me what that has in store for me either acceptance or denial. I just want to be really in school finishing up my degree and getting the inner pride of accomplishing the act of graduating.
~However as of late even the thought of school has taken a second seat to feeling quite utterly alone in more then one way. First most or all of my friends are far away and as such I try to deal with the loneliness by doing art, playing games, or getting into better physical shape. This however has done little to ease my heart and all the rather confusing emotions running through it. Id like to slowly state what I have been feeling and this greatly ranges. It ranges from moments of cherished memories being raised to the front of my mind and joy following…to stupid decisions or failed planes rising to the forefront. The later has been the one that has given me the most trouble. Regrets they say are the worst things to have in a life and as such it seems I have one too many to list. The regrets coming most often then not to the surface have been the ones of previous relationships and why they were the way they were.
~Nikki, Darcy, Meg, Erica, Aimee, Christine…all these were relationships that during there time I wish had lasted and others that had never happened. Nikki and Darcy sometimes feel like growing steps to me but they also have there positive sides but they were failed attempts at relationships. Meg and Christine were brief but happy however things did not work out and they were relationships that were of stock but little. Aimee and Erica were the most current in the list more or less and with each there are more then just one regret. Erica was a girl whom I thought I truly loved and stated so. However there were things I greatly regretted not doing like maybe trying to change harder…but then comes the idea that I shouldn’t have to change for a person. Erica more often then not just leaves me confused like nothing else in my life has been able to. Aimee was another person whom love came quickly for and was a solid thing for me. She was a person always there for me and I tried to be there for her. I truly only miss three relationships in my past and those are Aimee, Erica, and lastly Meg. They all had there ups and downs but they made me feel alive. I felt I could be the person everyone says that I could be.
~The feeling as of late is that any and all relationships I would have are doomed due to instability in the relationship or my often immature stance in relationships. I mean I know I can be a kid and more often then not I don’t see the bad side of people. This has been called naïve, stupid, or lastly innocent. I don’t know really which applies to me and as such I stay confused. Just I told a friend I feel like the old world term a Storm Crow. A storm crow is a bringer of misfortune and of bad tidings. The reason I say that is because I can never truly be happy with out something fucking it up or possibly me somehow destroying it. I have cried a night or two while thinking about this just because I ask the question, why can’t I be happy? I mean the only thing I really want is to have my friends close and someone to say I love you and have them say it back. I just want someone to cuddle with and look into there eyes and be happy in that relationship…or I want friends with whom I can say lets go for a ride or lets go to a movie and chill…
~Sometimes I feel I am asking too much and as such I don’t deserve anything good that comes my way. I guess the solemn feelings I am having is also the fact that I am wrestling with the idea that maybe its time I grow up. Grow up into the man I think I can be, the man whom others can come to rely on rather then the one who relies on others. I am sometimes a rock for people offering as best advice as I can give. However I never take my own advice and always end up in the same problem but in a different time. I just don’t know I feel sometimes so hollow like if you pricked me with a needle the shell of whom I am would crack and crumble. Am I an adult? Or am I a child inside of an Adult?
~I can not answer this question so often times I mope about these simple questions. I just want to know what is it that I am to be in this life. I sometimes have these daydreams of a wife and kids and a happy family and other times nightmares of a life unfulfilled and devoid of happiness, and I am torn between the two and not knowing which I am going to get. Like any other person in this life I just want some simple things; to be happy, to have a family, to love someone deeply, and to be remembered fondly by those closest to me. I am just feeling at a cross roads in my life and some how I am not prepared for it in the least possible way…
~I just want to be happy for more then just a week or a day…
Still more....
11/09/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Leiyan Destiny Semidey is the name of my niece yeah I am now officially an uncle. Pretty much out of the blue for anybody at this point since I have not kept up my journal in the longest time. I plan on changing that by writing a significantly long entry draining all the thoughts that are laying stagnant in my mind. Seems like nothing to me to think that Miguel has been in our house for about ten months ‘til he left to move into his own apartment only 4 blocks away.
~Well turns out then after his leaving my sister could not handle the pressure of him being only 4 blocks away and moved out to be with him. Well her leaving wasn’t that simple it seems she laid the blame of leaving on me, my father, and our mother as a cheap excuse to leave. Her real reason was as me and my family later deciphered was she simply wanted to be with Miguel. After many moments of frustration and of anger I could do nothing but slowly try and accept with a large chip on my shoulder the outcome of her decisions. The one thing that irks me and still does is that my parents have tirelessly tried to make me act the way they want me to. I am not allowed to be angry or resentful. I have to treat my sister all sweet and kind despite being used as a excuse to leave the house. I guess I should say what exactly the excuse she used me for was.
~Well she simply stated to my mother that I was an asshole for all intents and purposes. In the past few years the most I did was to try and keep out of my sister’s way in order to not raise any arguments and also left her to her own devices. When she dated Gerald her last bf I was always an asshole or a jerk or something or other when I would raise how horribly he would treat her. I ended up being the babysitter having to go out places with my sister and Gerald even when I didn’t want to. Why you ask did I accept to do that? Well I didn’t it was forced upon me by guilt trips and constant berating. I was so sick and tired that only when my mother got sick and tired of Gerald did she stop sending me out as an excuse for my sister to be able to see him.
~After that well hell I just tried to keep away from my sister and distanced myself. It seemed the only good way to keep everyone happy and myself sane at a minimal cost. Well then Miguel came into the picture he was living in my house since my other opened the door and he had nowhere else to go. Well it was okay for a while since I was in college and my sister dating him well I have no say in who she does or doesn’t date but he is a 24 year old male with two kids and to this day still not divorced. It was like umm come on some common sense should be kicking on and to those to whom I spoke about it well they agreed with me where was the common sense?
~Now it seems my family yet again wants to tell me how to specifically how to act. They are trying to force upon me to be my sisters Shepard a part I have never played and they want me to do it NOW. I am so tired of being told how to act and how and what to do. I can’t even feel certain emotions in my house because no. What I mean is that if I get angry my mother won’t allow it saying “Why are you angry? There’s no reason and stop it animal”. I am feeling sort of down lately and I think its depression what does my mother have to say stop being depressed I have more to be depressed about then you do’ or “its stupid go out get a job do something and it will stop”. It’s almost like I can’t be an emotional being I have to be there puppet and do what they say or I am a bad child.
~I just want to be able to feel the way I feel be the person I want to be not some mold they want to jam me into. I am so tired and I don’t want to run away since any idiot can run away but god damn it cant they see they are slowly but surely killing me ever so little every time they don’t let me get my own emotions out and I have to show the emotions they want me to. Seeing my shrink I can say this she told me to write down the things that I wanted for myself in say the next year like a laundry list. I guess this is as good a place to write it down then anywhere else.
•A job
•A girlfriend who will love me and not betray me in one way or another
•Friends to be able to talk to or be able to see my old friends
•A car to be able to go out and get lost in the world
•To be able to express my own feelings without having them squelched by my family
•To grow up more emotionally and not have those emotions that are growing constantly be bad ones (anger, bitterness, sadness, etc)
•To be loved
8/31/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Seems things are being no different then usual in my life. Things are never going the way they should be and not going easily. I am not asking for things to be given to me on a silver platter but come on make things a little easier then an act of desperation. Seems I can’t afford to go to school period for the time being. The reason for this is due to a 7000 dollar’s I owe to Northeastern University so I can not get transcripts sent out to any other school I would want to attend. Thus Wagner the school I am currently enrolled in well…I can’t go to it since I have no money to pay off the school. I am in a no win situation in any way you look at it. As such it seems ill be doing something a tad bit desperate.
~This desperate act would be to join one of the armed forces. I will be trying to join the United States Coast Guard. This is one of the only armed forces where they can’t ship my ass off of the United States. I will be only sent to the 50 states and as such not even all of the 50 states. I will be sent to Alaska, Hawaii, California, the East coast, and any states that are on the Gulf of Mexico. These would be the only places on the globe they can send me since the Coast Guard only defends the U.S waters. I will be of course going to about 8 weeks of Boot camp and since Miguel has explained it, it isn’t going to be an easy task to finish it. However after I am done I get benefits galore. One I get medical and dental coverage. Secondly I get all my schooling for free, they pay tuition, room & board, transportation should I take a bus, and books; Meaning school wise I don’t pay jack-didly-squat. I have no complaints plus if anything it can only build up my character. I mean come on take three years of active duty and then I will be done get paid twice a month and do some work. It’s almost the same as a job just one that’s a tad more intense.
~I am however failing to mention what brought along this fervor to join the armed forces of the U.S in specific that of the Coast Guard. Well first we need to skip to Thursday 26th of August. On that day I ended up going to Wagner College and was going for the soul purpose of getting my classes and to find out about orientation weekend. Well that’s where everything started its downhill fall. After getting my classes I learned that orientation was the coming weekend the weekend of the 28-29. Well I headed to admissions to figure out about when I should show up for orientation and while there learned I had a room assignment already. Hmmm this is where things get hectic. I end up at residence life where they give me a key and tell me where my dorm room was. Turned out I was living in Harbor View rm 1405 and had a roommate. After walking into the room getting a sense of where I will be staying for the next year, or so I thought, I headed home. When I got home I told them of the past events and they packed my computer and 4 days worth of clothes in order to drop some stuff off at the room at about midnight. Well I dropped it off and came home to go to bed to get ready for the next day.
~That was day one in the torturous weekend. Friday the 27th I came into my dorm room and hung out for a little while with my roommate. Ok things were going fine and I was pleased at the great view I had of the bay and the Verrazano Bridge. Well I called my mom and turns out that there was no way that I could afford at the moment to stay in Wagner due that one I still owe Northeastern and secondly the “payment plan” for the school had already started which means my mom would need to pay 2587 dollars upfront and an additional 1089 every month for 8 months. Meaning I should die where I stand. I had to then go to admissions to differ enrollment for about 6 months. 7’ish that night my mother picked me up and I moved out of the room. Ehhh I spent from about 10 am - 8 pm in my dorm room and in college wow what a long time right??
~Then of course I got home and let me tell you I nearly blew every gasket I could mentally. Finally seeing I had no other option I went to bed.
9/02/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Hmmm so let’s see what has happened in the past two days well to sum it up been FUCKING busy to say the least. Since knowing I can’t go to school because it can’t be afforded I have run through a major plan. Get all the damn paperwork needed to get into the Coast Guard. Today me and my mom went out to Manhattan to get a copy of my Birth Certificate since the Coast guard needs one. While out in Manhattan we went into a star bucks and I made my mom drink her first White Mocha Cappuccino with a tiny bit of Nutmeg she loved it. It was also a weird moment because we ended up wandering Manhattan and ended up near the World Trade Center Site. We saw what was left and the WTC Cross the one made from crossed I beams recovered from the wreckage.
~It was a somber site and I and my mom did not decide to stay there for long. We then took to the train to Brooklyn so I could get a new social security card since my original was laminated and I didn’t sign it since well it actually is the very first one my mother received over 20 years ago. I needed one I could sign to use it as an actual form of identification. That was pretty much all day and well nothing else happened.
9/03/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well today was turning out to be one hell of a boring day. Woke up rather late and went shopping for my mom for stuff to make Hamburgers. I love them so of course I headed out and got the stuff. The day from then on just crawled along with me and my mom watching TV and just well relaxing doing nothing. I was starting to feel miserable and bored since doing absolutely anything and being stuck at home isn’t my idea of a fun filled evening.
~After having a long fight with my father about politics I had a saving grace Lizzy called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I was blown away that Lizzy was in the state and also now separated from her beau Mike. It’s a long and personal story but the point was WOOHOO I get to hang out with one of my close friends. I had fun doing nothing but trying to get Louisa a friend of Lizzy’s to meet up with this boy. Turned out it never happened and the guy was being seemingly apprehensive or meeting anyone tonight. WE later just wandered around ‘til we found some people to talk to and just chilled with a girl named Jen. Who by the way is quite cute and has a cute lil kitty, that I so want lol. The thing that took the most time for us to do that night was take Louisa to her home in 96th street in Manhattan. Damn near took us an hour to get there. Since Lizzy still needed to finish some last minute packing we went over to her house in a cab. There I helped her pack and take everything down to the first floor. We did talk a lot this night since I left her house 10 minutes to 5 in the morning. We spoke a lot of past relationships and of what she was currently going over. We basically poured our hearts out to each other.
~It felt good to finally be able to say all the things I needed to vent to someone who had faced similar things in her life. I wont lie sometimes I wish I could date Lizzy but we are good friends and there are some things I don’t ever want to mess up. Due to all our talking this night and early morning of 9/04/04 I have gotten myself to thinking hard and dredged up a few things from my very past to the more present. It goes something a little like this.
~My first relationship was with a girl named Nicole Grillos. One for who for all intents and purposes was my very first romantic tie to someone. Things ended up rather badly however I have no ill will and still wish to this day to be able to just chill and chat up a storm. Maybe she can teach me to sing like that will ever happen.
~My second relationship was to a girl by the name of Darcy Marie Smyth., since dating her for six months there was an intense personal affection, emotional ties that showed me the truer meaning of love besides a crush. It ended badly to say the least and left me a bit worse for wear. However that would soon change after a lengthy period of time in which I grew out of my sullen state.
~My third relationship was one that for me felt like the real thing and in which though a bit quick I uttered the three little words. It was great relationship in which lol I met so many people I thought my name would be a commonly said phrase in Megan Connolly’s home town. It was a good relationship one that it even seems a friendship which is what I wanted at the end could not be achieved. I miss her as a friend and in lonely moments more but as they say time heals all wounds. I don’t mean to dismiss this moment but I felt it best to move on quickly and try to heal the one emotion in my heart that was being hurt the most that emotion being the emotion of love.
~I then stayed single for quite a while until Lizzy introduced me to a beautiful girl by the name of Erica Stone. This was again an almost instant connection despite my first inability to notice the not so subtle hints she was giving that she was interested in me. I fell in love again almost instantly…seems love comes to me easily after short periods. I have from then taken into consideration many actions. This relationship ended at a camp we both worked at. While at this camp at the end I do admit to acting immaturely and believing hearsay, an act to this day I regret. However after a period of doubt, weirdness and finally acceptance I decided it be best to leave her be. I did not want to be the annoying ex-boyfriend who’s the thorn in the girl’s side though I did make clumsy mistakes in the friend department which were entirely my fault. Now I only worry that I will upset her at all while going to my new college of Wagner, which if I do get into the Coast Guard I will most definitely attend, since it seems it upset her the idea of me going there. I can only hope the campus is big enough so that we will not meet and if we do I will be as cordial as possible and hopefully get the same. I say hopefully since we no longer talk and do not know if there is still any friction between us. It may dredge up memories to see her but I owe myself and for her piece of mind to remove the ties of old memories to any new ones that may transpire.
~My most current relationship was one that for all my thoughts made me feel happier then I have since the leaving of Northeastern in the summer of this year. I ended up searching through personals on yahoo for fun to meet new people and hopefully make new friends since most of mine were out of state or country. I ended up talking to this girl Christine “Maganda”, I don’t want to put her last name for reasons of my choosing, and we seemed to really click in our instant messaging. There was then of course the big day in which I asked if she wanted to chill with me so we could talk in person. You could not imagine my surprise to see this girl whose picture paid her no justice. We talked, laughed, held hands and clicked. Soon phone calls and a large amount of texts would be our favorite ways of keeping in touch. We both opened up to each other quickly and told each other things that had taken months for either of us to tell to anyone else. It felt good and I was happy however soon there would be a time where the distance of the constant traveling and inability to see each other due to conflicting schedules and due to her own devices would cause us to amicably withdraw from the relationship. Many things were said and all of them were meant we have decided we are both single however in a said time period if we are still single we should try again but not think of each other as romantically linked.
~In my relationships I have learned many things from the simplicity of opening up to another person to the whole hearted sharing of ones heart. There have been there ups and downs and some memories that seem best forgotten. However to forget all these memories and not grow from them would be a great crime against oneself. I have learned to trust, to love, to mature, as well as to mature within my relationships. I have seen myself mature in such a way where I seem to make less and less mistakes in relationships though not perfect and probably damn near far from it…I feel I can say with dignity and maturity that I have become a better person. From not feeling love, except for the family variety, to having my heart broken; from simple caresses to sex I have truly learned a lot. I still need to grow in the whole letting go however it is my one last lesson that seems harder and harder to truly grasp.
~I have the bad habit of whenever I am single for long periods of time missing what I have had. I will run through memories of past girlfriends and the times we shared, more often then not hurting myself in the process at least emotionally. I seem to like winding up my clock too tight and making my mind run away with itself. I don’t know why it happens to often but Id only be lying if I said it didn’t happen. I often think to myself wouldn’t it be great if I got back with said person, or tried to make a friendship workout. I have tried to be friends with my ex’s but more often then not I either lose touch, as is the case with two of them, or I find it too difficult to sort through the memories of the past and remove the emotions properly from them, with one only this applies, and the rest I guess a lack of communication or them not wanting to communicate…Whatever the case maybe I am slowly learning that memories of love need not ever raise an old love back to the present. This lesson is slowly being learned and still I tend to hurt myself by allowing old emotions to take over.
~One thing I can sort of blame my unwillingness to let go of things is just I get accustomed far too easily. I mean every time I am in a relationship I get settled into being with that person and opening myself up to the person, hell even getting used to just holding my significant other…being a creature of habit seems to have its great flaws. I guess it’s just hard for me to let go since I always feel so lonely. I always feel alone when I am with friends I feel comforted and can be funny and my usual self. However the moment I am alone I feel a crushing weight on my heart and on my soul. I have grown accustomed to it over time but it has not gone away. I mean yeah it’s always cool to be single and I can sometimes refocus time on myself…but I miss the little moments the most. The cuddling, the rides in cars, conversations, tickling, kissing, playing with a girls hair, to just staring into there eyes as they say they love me. That feeling doesn’t need to be explained to anyone who has felt love. I may have gotten my heart broken once but nonetheless I still live by following my heart. I can be clumsy and often times repeat the same mistakes like not changing (in the sense of a problem I don’t notice, takes effort to make me notice), acting more my age, the knowledge to know the difference between time to be silly and time to be mature. These things are all part of my character as such it takes a strong woman who is willing to be there with me to show me to be more mature and I will be there to make sure she still knows how to be a kid. I have always been accused of being a kid inside of a big body, if you consider 5’8 tall lol. It’s just how I am I enjoy an evening indoors cuddling and tickling then a lavish day out walking to a bazillion places. I love the little things and those little things are far too numerous to put here.
~I guess you can say it was an evening of deep introspection by the two of us. It was just a good night overall one in which I got to spend some quality time with a friend I cherish time with. Plus lol it isn’t every night a guy gets to chill with two busty ladies lol! I was a perfect gentlemen no worries to anyone reading this. I even escorted Lizzy to drop her friend off and get her back home and finished packing. I guess the only other thing I can write about is the fact that I got some magic decks and cant wait to see if Forbidden Planet the comic shop in Manhattan has Magic Fridays, which is as the name states during a Friday and in shop games are played, and play some other magic players and test out my decks one by one on unsuspecting victims lol.
~On a side note just a small mini entry. I met a cool girl today completely by accident lol. This girl is called Jen a Chinese or Japanese girl who loves video games, and computer games. I asked Lizzy to share my screen name it be nice to make a new friend with similar interests. Just been so bored as of now it seems I wont be able to see any of my friends for a while so new ones nearby is always a good thing. They are all mostly in different states or countries and I haven’t really had the internet so to say the least I have been isolated here in my home. These entries whenever posted come from me paying at a cyber café or being over at my family friends Awilda’s house. I tend to type them at home and save them to disk so this way I can post them online. I am just a little bummed now days for reasons I will actually list lol.
1) NO friends nearby
2) The possibility of me not getting a job due to Coast Guard stuff
3) Needing to join the Coast Guard as a way to both gain money and go to school
4) Not being in school and not getting my darn education
5) Living with my family (the whole being between 4 walls with them HELLS no!)
6) Being Bored out of my gourd since I am only playing a waiting game with the coast guard
7) To be blunt I want a date lol!
9/04/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well today was a late starting day since I didn’t go to bed ‘til about 11 this morning then I didn’t wake up until just about 6 ‘ish. Yeah I am a vampire I sleep when the sun is out and I am awake when the Moon is out. Well for today I wanted to go to Park Slope in order to read my mail and such well never happened as I fell asleep. The day then stretched on and it seems my sister and her Bf was finally cleaning up my sister’s room for her to sleep in it rather then Miguel. It took them about three hours meanwhile I went out to get some stuff for my mom like cigarettes and aluminum foil. She said to ring the bell the moment I got all the stuff so me and her can stay out of the house for a little and keep away from our pests (these pests or annoyances to be fair would be my sis and her bf).
~Well me and my mom started talking about my future should I join the Coast Guard and my idea to do with my money is to get a house for my family. Something like a four floor or three floor building with a garage for either. I mean hell I will be making a minimum of about 1500 about every two weeks. Meaning every month if I remember what was explained to me it be about 3000 a month not including my paycheck goes up after OCS. This OCS is Officer Candidate School meaning I would be higher then a recruit seaman (lowest rank entering), I would be more like a Lieutenant or hypothetically a captain of a boat (not really sure of rankings so don’t quote me Ill just be high up hehe). Damn means that 3000 a month can only increase and means paying a house would be mad easy. I like to think positive that the whole check can be separated into paying old bills for my back dues, home payments, home improvements, furniture, motorcycle, insurance, and just generally helping out my parents.
~Well after this whole thing and we ended up back upstairs my dad comes in saying he has a present for me. It turns out he won about 5000 dollars in the lotto and well it means my Northeastern bill is more then three quarters of the way paid for. Damn hell for luck coming out in a pinch by one number my father didn’t get 150,000 damn but hell one can’t complain its still money. Meaning I am so much closer to getting rid of all the over due bills as well as a further step closer to going to school again and a brighter future. Man I am glad we got that money things will be a little easier here at home then. I am still not searching for a job since I am still not sure what’s happening in the Coast Guard. I am playing a waiting game that’s really stressful and not allowing me to go on with other plans. I mean I can’t go get a job if I am going to quit it two days later since I will be going to basic. I wish someone out there could explain basic for me just so I can expect some of it…is it like the movies?
~Since hanging out with Lizzy I have been feeling a little down. I guess the actual act of hanging out with a friend was very sorely missed by me. I must have not thought about how much I missed my friends ‘til I actually had a friend to hang out with. Ehh its just a tad annoying that in my neighborhood there isn’t a single person I can consider able to become a friend. They are all mostly drug pushers, low-lives, or just not the kind of people Id want to associate myself with. Hmm I am actually planning to try again the whole internet searching for people…damn me and not being able to just jump into crowded places and getting to know people. Someone I know stated the best way to meet people or possible girlfriends is to go to a club but even then since I have done it so very few times in my life it feels odd to be in those situations. I can dance but mostly to salsa and meringue so when it comes to club music I feel lost above all things. I like listening to music or if I was able to go to concerts. One thing I am promising myself is I am going to try and go to more concerts once I get money (either job or Coast Guard).
~One thing though that’s a definite is that I will be saving some of the money I get either way to get myself either a small car or a motorcycle. I know for starters that a motorcycle allows you more freedom and a person is one with the road, however a car has safety and the ability to survive accidents. I am leaning towards a car in my thoughts but the notion of a motorcycle feels so freeing to me. There is only one major hitch about the motorcycle I am a music freak I love listening to music. I love the idea of just making a mix cd and traveling to it. Plus since most or all of my friends are far out of the way I could always just drive up to them. Well I guess that’s enough of that introspection I guess as I was saying I miss my friends TONS.
~This all really started coming up when my mom took me out in the car. Since sadly I haven’t had any time or financial ability to take drivers ed again, the reason again is because my last instructor taught me crap, I taken out for rides rather then just going out for one. I mean yeah I am ok being alone but there comes a point where even while watching TV I wish I had friends calling to go and chill somewhere. In college my so call friends of the time were great and we did stuff, however either by my fault or just there willingness to let me go…I was dropped pretty much. I mean yeah currently now it doesn’t matter but when I went back to Northeastern for a semester I felt abandoned ‘cept for those people who were willing to still stay there like Ksenia, Vera, Rachel, and Kymmy.
~Ehh it’s been a long day and it’s currently the next day already as I write this more tomorrow later.
9/07/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Today is Labor Day and it’s another boring day in my house. Like usual being in Vampire mode means I did not go to bed to nearly 7 this morning and woke up at 6 in the afternoon. The entire day was a simple blur of boredom. I guess the most I did was get out of the room and sit and watch TV, nothing really out of the extraordinary to say the least. The one thing I guess as of late I have been doing is getting steadily more and more into playing an old card game I know. It’s probably well known to those who have played before its called Magic: The Gathering it’s a dueling collectible card game. I had a ton of them once before I threw them out a damn stupid thing to do. However I am really back into it and slowly when I really can I buy cards to make more and more decks.
~So far I got 6 decks each one containing about 75 cards in each. Magic is a simple game in that the whole purpose is to destroy your opponent and win the duel. I was pretty ok at one point at it and then gave up on it for a few years. Then at camp with the kids getting me interested in Yu-gi-oh I once again was bitten with the interest to play card games. Though at first yu-gi-oh was the prime game I played I slowly dug out my old Magic cards and put three basic decks together. One was already made and packaged and that one was called Fires. That deck I did not fool with at all and instead left it as is and used it. It was on ok deck and as such it worked. The other two decks that I had at hand were Pummel and Barrage. These two were prepackaged but I tinkered with them a bit. Then of course with Miguel’s help I made two more decks. These are Bruise and Slaughter, these were created from the myriad of cards I had in a box in my room. The latest deck I have is a deck I made almost entirely by myself and this one is called Hardware.
~I won’t go into the lurid detail of which decks have what since each one would be a page of typing. I just wanted to say I love magic so feel free to send me magic card booster packs lol. I can wish cant I? Just planning for Thursday or Friday to go to Forbidden Planet in Manhattan in order to play some other duelists, I just want to get back full swing into the scene. More later on…Ciao!
~Just a short reminder to myself I have a black deck with artifact creatures, 2 red and green deck, 1 green deck, 1 black and blue deck. I need to create black deck black creatures, white deck, white and black, red and blue, blue and green.
9/12/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well so far this weekend has been great I mean yeah I got to go out and hang out with a friend hehe. Turns out Friday afternoon as I was checking out a store called “The Superhero Supply Store” which in fact has a front as its name states but really is a tutor center for kids, back to what I was saying turns out Lindsy calls me saying she wants to hang out and she doesn’t know if she wants to go see a movie or rent one because she was feeling beat. So I basically wander around Park Slope a little when at my fave comic book shop I bump into my friend from Poly D. We ended up walking around talking about comics and movies and to anyone outside of my friends would call geekish stuff lol.
~I take the bus back home and start getting ready to head out to Manhattan. I didn’t get all dressed up but did wear a more dress up t-shirt and ironed my blue jeans and to top off the look I wore my white timberland merges. Well the train ride there took longer then I would have thought and I was half an hour late getting near Lindsy’s home. When I finally got to the restaurant Lindsy so did not like my new short hair style stating never again I should do that. Dinner went well and there was lots of chit chat between me and Lindsy and her parents. It was very enjoyable and made me feel unburdened of the stress I was and am going through currently with this whole college thing.
~I had ordered a filet mignon and to tell the truth missing out on steaks for so long my tummy was extremely happy. After dinner we ended walking to Lindsy’s home and on the way we chatted had fun and well simply enjoyed each others company. We ended up renting at a local Blockbuster Boondock Saints. It’s a great movie and she was in love with one of the brothers in the movie lol. We spent the entire evening just sitting in chairs and chit chatting and watching movies. It has been far too long since I was able to hang out with a friend and Lindsy was more then a good choice to spend time with. As payment as well as just to soothe her aching muscles I gave her a massage lol I think she loved me for the time I was massaging every knot out of her back and arms. Since she wears a messenger bag those things tend to screw up your back big time.
~Near three in the morning we both ended up going to bed me in the pull out couch and her in her room. That was the evening of the 10th. The 11th I woke up at a startling 8:30 in the morning something I had never done and was greeted by Lindsy’s Parents as they were already up. Her father was getting ready for a long bike ride and was joking with me all morning. Her mother offered me breakfast and when I stated I didn’t want to be a bother her father stated “Hector your not a bother so stop acting Guest like and sit down and eat some breakfast, I am half Jewish and love seeing people eat and be happy.” Or something around those lines lol.
~It was good to eat cereal and such with Lindsy’s folk’s lol one could almost discern from this entry that I’d be dating Lindsy lol and that’s not the truth. She is just a dear friend and as such spending time with her is always good. It was a great time and around 10 that morning I left Lindsy’s house not saying goodbye to her since she was dead asleep and I didn’t want to be rude and wake her. So I went out for a walk to Lexington avenue to get on the 6 train to 59th street so I can catch the R. I got out at 8th street in order to wander around St. Mark’s Place and see all the cool stores that line that block. The only other thing I did while in Manhattan was to go to Forbidden Planet Comics and scope the store out for a while. I ended up getting another magic deck and a really cool card…sorry for sounding like a geek lol. I am just excited to be playing again and since it’s a strategy game its great for me to play to flex my brain which it hasn’t been doing much of since I’ve been home. The day pretty much ended with me being home and just watching TV nothing more then that and finally hitting the sack way early.
9/21/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Today has been a fruitful day in more then one way. Today I went to Manhattan with Miguel and got him some cards from the shop I always go to. He ended up getting the cards he wanted for his decks and I did the same but also got help cutting down my deck significantly making it easier to draw creatures as well as mana and making the deck more lean and mean. I am relieved my deck has the ability to win something though I lost first shot in my first attempt at a tournament the kid kept playing a card that allowed him to get rid of my ability to play because he would end up using my turn. It was annoying and as such I lost pretty badly 2 loses in a row and the rest of the night wasn’t any better since everyone I was playing against was able to get the better of me deck wise. To make the situation that much more laughable a 12 year old kid beat me at the game.
~The past couple of weeks nothing much has happened here at home just me and Miguel have been at each others throats and as such I would and still do want him out of my house. I mean who in their sight minds wants a mooch living in their house come on. I told my shrink this and seriously its just mind numbingly annoying already and my mother for no good reason what so ever keeps on putting up with it. I am just so frustrated about it that I barely want to talk about it. Just grrr arggggg
~Highlights have been talking to my friend Deborah who I seriously need to keep better in contact with, and Lizzy were all welcome breaks in the monotony that has become my life as of now. I just wish I could see them and get to hang out since damn it’s been a major bore being home. Just need to get out so playing magic in a comic shop seems to be what I need to do in order to get out and do something with my life since I am still waiting on the Coast Guard recruiter and to no avail seem to reach him. I am just mad bored can anyone tell lol? More on a later date.
9/24/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well today was another day in my life that went well in the beginning but ended badly. First let me recap yesterday. Yesterday I went out to Poly for a while after I stopped off to get some Magic Cards. I went to the Ceramics Studio and went to get dirty with working with clay. Me and Mr. Randle got about to the usual comic atmosphere that happens when you mix his witty humor with my off the wall antics. He is a great teacher and a good guy no kid at Poly has ever stated that they ever hated Mr. Randle. So back to the point I went and finished some bowls I was making and took some stuff home most probably on Monday I will head back to do some more work.
~Onto today shall we. I woke up and got ready for my day of playing and tooling around since I have yet to hear from the Coast Guard. I went to Mutant Mania III to get a 20 card booster pack of cards and then got onto to the train so I could head out to Manhattan. I got there a while later and went straight to St. Mark’s Avenue to go to Quizno’s the absolute best place to go get a toasted hero. Man it was great to eat that Hero since it was the only thing I had eaten all day up until that point. I walked around a bit before going to the comic shop where for about the next 3-4 hrs I spent playing Magic: The Gathering. It was so fun and I won once only because it was outside of competition and secondly he told me the final move to play. Man I need to work on that deck so much. It was fun though nevertheless.
~However once I got home man that’s when things went sour. It took a little while for things to start like when I asked my sister to play magic with me. That was all going well and good ‘til it seems she forgot something I did earlier then I tried to explain to her what I did was correct and then she tried to do another move. This was when things got heated. I tried to explain that what she was playing was correct on the other hand it was extended to something else dealing with my cards. So then I just got up and left playing since it seems that going to competitions, asking player and refs for the rules, playing in rated tournaments means that I don’t have a clue about what I am talking about. I am just tired how it seems I am the Liar, or “I change things when I want” or I am “sly” whenever it comes to playing Magic and the rules aren’t the way they like it.
~I am just decided to constantly just go and play Magic over in Manhattan and make a 30-40 minute trip on the slow ass R line just to go play a game I could at home but since I “cheat” all the time makes no sense to do so. Ehhh whatever they can go to hell for all I care he thinks his decks are so great because he makes them only to go up against my deck and that is all. Well tough luck for him my deck gets its ass handed to it all the time by ranked and better players. I am going to bed lets hope I get signed by the Coast guard ‘cuz this is crap dealing with my home.
More here to read trust me...
10/15/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Well it has been a while since I have updated and as such well here’s a newer entry with a long bit of catching up to do. Well turns out I was taken to MEPS which is basically the medical entrance exam to the armed forces. It was a lengthy affair that took all of two days. The first day I ended up at Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn waiting in the MEPS building for 5-6 hours until they called the people who were going to go to the hotel for the night. The hotel was the Garden Inn Hilton in Staten Island we were there I guess so we would all be in the same place and they would pamper us a little before the next day full of poking and prodding. It was a nice place and they gave us dinner a god send since I was so damn hungry it wasn’t even describable.
~It was also a fun evening my roommate in the hotel room was signing up for the Army while there were others in the hotel signing up for Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, Air Force. I think the Coast Guard was one of the fewest present. It was great though to talk to all these different people and it made me more comfortable with the idea that I was signing up for an armed forces. I guess one can say it was good to see there were decent people under the same situations I was who were signing up. The evening was punctuated with me hanging out with Private Swan a female candidate to the Army and we played scrabble and chit chatted it was the highlight since it was one of the first females I had spoken to who was not just a friend but a complete stranger…Now if I could only find a date and not be shy during the date lol.
~Skipping to later that same evening the evening of Wednesday the 6th of October is when I tried to go to bed. After showering and watching TV I found it nearly impossible to go to bed and we had a 4 o’clock wake up call to go eat breakfast so we would be on the way to the base by latest 5 o’clock. I ended passing out near 12 at night. It was a crazy night so far and the next day was going to be a very very long one indeed. The day started at 3:30 in the morning as me and the roommate decided we wanted to wake up a half an hour early so we can dress shower and stretch before the wake up call. We then packed our shit and went downstairs and grabbed our breakfast and all of us present sat and joked ate and were comfortable with joking with each other. The ride back was a quiet one however since we all knew it was going to be one of those days we wouldn’t like at all.
~We were all so right since we were given a briefing of what they were going to do as well as give us a breathalyzer. This was to make sure we weren’t drunk the evening prior or we would be disqualified. The day then toiled on with hearing tests, vision tests, drug tests, HIV tests, a physical (containing a hernia check, heart check, full body exam), then there was a time I was just in boxers with the rest of the guys there as they wanted to see our range of motion and check our joints. Then I had to go to the VA Memorial Hospital to get an x-ray to check my kidneys to see if I had any new stones and that would disqualify me. I had none so I was in the clear…however an old mistake in my past has come up to haunt me. This mistake would be that one time I tried to commit suicide, a stupid mistake that at the time seemed like a plausible idea. I severely regret that action with all my heart and wish it never happened. So now I am waiting for all that paperwork to go through to see if they will take me or not and see how that works. Should that go through in September I will be able to go back to Wagner and stay there for the last two years I have left. I really want to go to school and I really want to join the Coast Guard. I guess this is long enough for now another one coming soon I hope.
10/18/04
Dear Die-ry,
(Friends only)
~Well this weekend was a different one then the average boring days of doing nothing. I ended up going with my friend Lizzy to Massachusetts to accompany her to her old high school. It was a long long trip of about 4-5 hrs but with the absence of traffic it only took 2 and a half hrs. It was great though we talked bullshitted around and took some pictures of how lovely the trees were as the leaves were changing color. We were heading to her old high school in order for her to see some friends and some teachers there. She needed time away from her boyfriend and as such I went with her to make sure that she would stay awake on the ride up and back.
~It was cool to see her old high school that is called Cushing Academy…man I was so jealous of there art department I was drooling at the jewelry, ceramics, sculpture, photography, and metal work studios. I would have never left the art department lol people would have to come to me lol. It was a large campus and man it was so pretty in a small town and with beautiful country surrounding it. To tell the truth I was very jealous of her school and wished I had gone there instead of finishing at Poly. This is a momentary thought since so many things I do like happened at Poly and I would never want to not have them or the memories of that place. Soon after spending a little while at the school and looking around and such we met a friend of hers and headed out to her Grandparents house.
~Right before heading to Lizzie’s grandparent’s place we stopped at a farm by the name of Wilson’s Farm a great place full of organic produce a vegans best dreams. I bought for nearly twenty bucks a giant pumpkin like 14-17 lbs and a book to carve a great jack-o-lantern out of. I was and am so proud of the pumpkin hehe. Maybe Ill try to post pics of it after it’s carved. The carving that’s going on it is the Headless Horseman. While at her grandparents I had a great time. Her grandparents both of French decent and both were in World War II, the grandmother was a nurse and the grandfather I think was in the navy if I remember right. I had more then my fair share of intellectual conversations and it felt great to finally flex my gray matter. The evening was punctuated with a sit down formal dinner of beer chicken and couscous. Lizzie’s aunt Anik and her Husband Doug were there and they were Harvard Graduates A+ Summa cum Laude Graduates and more smart convos continued on into the night until the Red Sox game started which was after dinner and dessert of Apple pie.
~I ended up going to bed like 9 at night I have never gone to bed at 9 at night but I did and wasn’t woken up until 10:00 Sunday morning. It was a great sleep in the country silence and it’s something I doubt I will ever forget. Lizzie’s grandparents were kind enough to serve me breakfast before we headed out and we then went back to Cushing in order to meet up with her Aunt and her friend Susan. We waited for a while and her aunt showed up a lovely lady who was very kind and very easy to befriend.
10/19/04
Dear Die-ry,
~I have been having a rough time as of late here at home with the dealing with me being alone. More often then not I feel weighed down by my memories and how some give me pleasure and others bring nothing more then great sorrow. I really have no explanation for the things that have been happening in my life except I feel my life is on hold and I hate it. I have been waiting for the Coast Guard to tell me what that has in store for me either acceptance or denial. I just want to be really in school finishing up my degree and getting the inner pride of accomplishing the act of graduating.
~However as of late even the thought of school has taken a second seat to feeling quite utterly alone in more then one way. First most or all of my friends are far away and as such I try to deal with the loneliness by doing art, playing games, or getting into better physical shape. This however has done little to ease my heart and all the rather confusing emotions running through it. Id like to slowly state what I have been feeling and this greatly ranges. It ranges from moments of cherished memories being raised to the front of my mind and joy following…to stupid decisions or failed planes rising to the forefront. The later has been the one that has given me the most trouble. Regrets they say are the worst things to have in a life and as such it seems I have one too many to list. The regrets coming most often then not to the surface have been the ones of previous relationships and why they were the way they were.
~Nikki, Darcy, Meg, Erica, Aimee, Christine…all these were relationships that during there time I wish had lasted and others that had never happened. Nikki and Darcy sometimes feel like growing steps to me but they also have there positive sides but they were failed attempts at relationships. Meg and Christine were brief but happy however things did not work out and they were relationships that were of stock but little. Aimee and Erica were the most current in the list more or less and with each there are more then just one regret. Erica was a girl whom I thought I truly loved and stated so. However there were things I greatly regretted not doing like maybe trying to change harder…but then comes the idea that I shouldn’t have to change for a person. Erica more often then not just leaves me confused like nothing else in my life has been able to. Aimee was another person whom love came quickly for and was a solid thing for me. She was a person always there for me and I tried to be there for her. I truly only miss three relationships in my past and those are Aimee, Erica, and lastly Meg. They all had there ups and downs but they made me feel alive. I felt I could be the person everyone says that I could be.
~The feeling as of late is that any and all relationships I would have are doomed due to instability in the relationship or my often immature stance in relationships. I mean I know I can be a kid and more often then not I don’t see the bad side of people. This has been called naïve, stupid, or lastly innocent. I don’t know really which applies to me and as such I stay confused. Just I told a friend I feel like the old world term a Storm Crow. A storm crow is a bringer of misfortune and of bad tidings. The reason I say that is because I can never truly be happy with out something fucking it up or possibly me somehow destroying it. I have cried a night or two while thinking about this just because I ask the question, why can’t I be happy? I mean the only thing I really want is to have my friends close and someone to say I love you and have them say it back. I just want someone to cuddle with and look into there eyes and be happy in that relationship…or I want friends with whom I can say lets go for a ride or lets go to a movie and chill…
~Sometimes I feel I am asking too much and as such I don’t deserve anything good that comes my way. I guess the solemn feelings I am having is also the fact that I am wrestling with the idea that maybe its time I grow up. Grow up into the man I think I can be, the man whom others can come to rely on rather then the one who relies on others. I am sometimes a rock for people offering as best advice as I can give. However I never take my own advice and always end up in the same problem but in a different time. I just don’t know I feel sometimes so hollow like if you pricked me with a needle the shell of whom I am would crack and crumble. Am I an adult? Or am I a child inside of an Adult?
~I can not answer this question so often times I mope about these simple questions. I just want to know what is it that I am to be in this life. I sometimes have these daydreams of a wife and kids and a happy family and other times nightmares of a life unfulfilled and devoid of happiness, and I am torn between the two and not knowing which I am going to get. Like any other person in this life I just want some simple things; to be happy, to have a family, to love someone deeply, and to be remembered fondly by those closest to me. I am just feeling at a cross roads in my life and some how I am not prepared for it in the least possible way…
~I just want to be happy for more then just a week or a day…
Still more....
11/09/04
Dear Die-ry,
~Leiyan Destiny Semidey is the name of my niece yeah I am now officially an uncle. Pretty much out of the blue for anybody at this point since I have not kept up my journal in the longest time. I plan on changing that by writing a significantly long entry draining all the thoughts that are laying stagnant in my mind. Seems like nothing to me to think that Miguel has been in our house for about ten months ‘til he left to move into his own apartment only 4 blocks away.
~Well turns out then after his leaving my sister could not handle the pressure of him being only 4 blocks away and moved out to be with him. Well her leaving wasn’t that simple it seems she laid the blame of leaving on me, my father, and our mother as a cheap excuse to leave. Her real reason was as me and my family later deciphered was she simply wanted to be with Miguel. After many moments of frustration and of anger I could do nothing but slowly try and accept with a large chip on my shoulder the outcome of her decisions. The one thing that irks me and still does is that my parents have tirelessly tried to make me act the way they want me to. I am not allowed to be angry or resentful. I have to treat my sister all sweet and kind despite being used as a excuse to leave the house. I guess I should say what exactly the excuse she used me for was.
~Well she simply stated to my mother that I was an asshole for all intents and purposes. In the past few years the most I did was to try and keep out of my sister’s way in order to not raise any arguments and also left her to her own devices. When she dated Gerald her last bf I was always an asshole or a jerk or something or other when I would raise how horribly he would treat her. I ended up being the babysitter having to go out places with my sister and Gerald even when I didn’t want to. Why you ask did I accept to do that? Well I didn’t it was forced upon me by guilt trips and constant berating. I was so sick and tired that only when my mother got sick and tired of Gerald did she stop sending me out as an excuse for my sister to be able to see him.
~After that well hell I just tried to keep away from my sister and distanced myself. It seemed the only good way to keep everyone happy and myself sane at a minimal cost. Well then Miguel came into the picture he was living in my house since my other opened the door and he had nowhere else to go. Well it was okay for a while since I was in college and my sister dating him well I have no say in who she does or doesn’t date but he is a 24 year old male with two kids and to this day still not divorced. It was like umm come on some common sense should be kicking on and to those to whom I spoke about it well they agreed with me where was the common sense?
~Now it seems my family yet again wants to tell me how to specifically how to act. They are trying to force upon me to be my sisters Shepard a part I have never played and they want me to do it NOW. I am so tired of being told how to act and how and what to do. I can’t even feel certain emotions in my house because no. What I mean is that if I get angry my mother won’t allow it saying “Why are you angry? There’s no reason and stop it animal”. I am feeling sort of down lately and I think its depression what does my mother have to say stop being depressed I have more to be depressed about then you do’ or “its stupid go out get a job do something and it will stop”. It’s almost like I can’t be an emotional being I have to be there puppet and do what they say or I am a bad child.
~I just want to be able to feel the way I feel be the person I want to be not some mold they want to jam me into. I am so tired and I don’t want to run away since any idiot can run away but god damn it cant they see they are slowly but surely killing me ever so little every time they don’t let me get my own emotions out and I have to show the emotions they want me to. Seeing my shrink I can say this she told me to write down the things that I wanted for myself in say the next year like a laundry list. I guess this is as good a place to write it down then anywhere else.
•A job
•A girlfriend who will love me and not betray me in one way or another
•Friends to be able to talk to or be able to see my old friends
•A car to be able to go out and get lost in the world
•To be able to express my own feelings without having them squelched by my family
•To grow up more emotionally and not have those emotions that are growing constantly be bad ones (anger, bitterness, sadness, etc)
•To be loved