fic: Tail Between His Legs (1/2)
Title: Tail Between His Legs (1/2)
Media Creator: amber, Link TBA
Word Count: Just over 11k
Contains: Powerplay, D/s, mild puppy play, mild orgasm denial, sex toys, passing suicidal thoughts
Summary/Teaser: After the death of Gaius, Merlin's life fell apart and Arthur was there to pick it back up again. They never planned it that way, but somehow Arthur took control of Merlin's life completely until he was in the right mind set to look after himself properly again. When Merlin's back to himself again, he discovers that maybe he still needs Arthur after all. :3
AN: Too much writing, too little sleep, too little food, too little timeeeeeee. D:
It wasn't an arrangement they made, or anything like that. It wasn't even ever really spoken about. It was something that fell into place in their relationship, something that had been needed. After Gaius died, Merlin's life fell apart, and Arthur had been there to patch him back together.
Gaius had been the father his actual father hadn't been, and Merlin had not thought that he would pass away so soon. Merlin stood by the grave long after everyone else had left. He stood there in the pathetic sporadic drizzle that called itself rain in his Sunday best, the rain making it impossible to tell if there were tears.
Arthur had come back for him, finally, after staying through his father's speech at the reception business where everyone had spoken in hushed tones and sipped wine and shaken their heads. Arthur was sure that his father believed his own words, for Gaius had been as much a friend to him as Uther had ever known, but the speech hadn't quite sat right with him. He had looked around for Merlin to share this sentiment with, and realised that he wasn't there. Arthur frowned; of course he wouldn't be interested in making small talk and drinking wine at a time like this.
His leather shoes squelching in the mud, Arthur made his way back through the patchy, weedy grass to stand next to Merlin. He changed the hand he was holding the umbrella in to hold it over Merlin, even though that meant that he was permanently ruining the right side of his suit jacket. Merlin didn't even notice. Arthur followed Merlin's gaze down, eyes tracing over the words, simply but well carved.
Gaius,
beloved friend and mentor
1928 - 2010
Arthur didn't know how long they stood there. He only disturbed Merlin's silence when he noticed that the other man was shaking from the cold. He looked at Merlin's face, not only not knowing what to say, but knowing that whatever he could say, Merlin already knew. He noticed something he could not have earlier: there were no tears on Merlin's face.
"Come on." Arthur laid a hand on Merlin's shoulder, and pulled him away.
-
Crumpled on Arthur's shoulder, with no real idea of how long he'd been there, Merlin heaved a few breaths, his body exhausted from crying. It had been Arthur who had sat there, judging the right balance between when to let the grief pour out and when to tell him to pull himself together and take a shower. It had been Arthur who had herded him into the shower and pulled his clothes off for him as Merlin stared dumbly at a button and made sure that the water was a good temperature. It had been Arthur who had realised was something wrong all the way from Merlin's bedroom where he had just borrowed some casual clothes, and had stepped into the shower with all his clothes on to prop him up as his knees started to buckle and his back slid down the tiles.
"Come on, Merlin," Arthur chided not unkindly, one arm stopping Merlin falling over and the other reaching for the bottles on the side. "How do you normally shower? Shower gel first?" He pushed the bottle at Merlin, whose body finally registered a familiar routine and started to automatically go through the motions. Arthur talked Merlin through washing his hair before tipping them both out of the shower, rubbing Merlin dry vigorously.
Merlin finally looked up, his eyes focussing properly again. "Thanks," he said, his voice thick, plucking at Arthur's drenched shirt in lieu of the appropriate words to express himself. He was too tired to try and form full sentences. "Didn't have to," he added.
"I know," Arthur said, shrugging his clothes off and leaving them draped over the shower door as he rummaged through Merlin's drawers for some clothes to borrow. He pushed Merlin into the bed, trying to make sense of the untidy mess of bedclothes before managing to tuck Merlin in. "Sleep," he advised before leaving for the sofa. He was far too tired himself to attempt to drive back to his own flat and he somehow didn't feel comfortable leaving Merlin by himself anyway.
The plea was so quiet that Arthur thought he hadn't heard it. He blinked, and faced Merlin, who was looking at him with wide, red eyes. "Stay?" It was said just as quietly the second time around, but Arthur understood. He perched on the edge of the bed, smoothing Merlin's damp fringe out of his eyes before lying down and squishing them together in the narrow bed. He could feel Merlin's fragile body shaking next to him; Arthur pressed his broad, steady hand to Merlin's back and smoothed the tremors away.
-
Arthur woke up early for work, his body complaining vigorously from having been cramped and twisted around Merlin for the entire night. He slid out of the bed, inching the covers off so as not to produce a breeze and wake Merlin. His borrowed underwear was sticking to his thighs and his hair was slightly damp and sticking to his scalp; the room was too small for the body heat of two.
After a quick shower, never mind that he had showered just the night before, Arthur pulled out some of his clothes. Although neither of them had ever specifically left clothes at each other's, there were always borrowed and left items of clothing around. He glanced worriedly down at Merlin, looking exhausted even in his sleep. He had to go to work, but he wished that he could just make sure that Merlin was going to be all right. He smoothed the covers over Merlin and left, trying not to entertain the thought calling in sick just for the day.
Arthur checked back up on Merlin in his lunch break, phoning his mobile and letting it carry on ringing until he reached voicemail. Maybe, he told himself even as he stared at the screen with his thumb hovering over the 'dial' button again, maybe Merlin just wasn't up yet. It was one o'clock, and it wouldn't be uncommon for students to not be up at that time if they didn't have to be.
He opened up the text option anyway. Hey, you ok? Text if you need me. This time, he dithered over the 'send' button. It wasn't that he didn't want to send it, but rather that he didn't know if the wording was quite right. Arthur couldn't think of anything better though, so he sent it before trying to chew down his sandwich.
After work, his shoulders aching a little from being tensely hunched over the computer, Arthur found that his feet were taking him automatically towards Leicester Square, where his flat was. He paused, and headed in the other direction. Merlin hadn't texted back all day.
"Merlin?" Arthur tried calling through the letterbox. The doorbell hadn't worked for the three years Merlin had lived here, and there had been no response to his knock. Arthur scowled, and walked down the stairs and around the back. Merlin always kept the kitchen window unlocked but pushed shut, in case he ever locked himself out, and no one had ever tried to burgle him because he was on the third floor. The first time Arthur had tried to do this, he'd been shouted at by three neighbours on the block when he shuffled across their balcony, but he had done it enough times that they knew who he was now. He even stopped to pet the cat from the second floor sometimes.
Arthur first climbed onto the more far right wheelie bin, holding his breath because it always smelled disgusting no matter how drunk he was. That made him tall enough to pull himself up onto the first floor balcony. He had to make his way right across three other first floor balconies to climb onto the wall that separated this block of flats from the next one, which gave him access to the second floor balconies. Then he had to get to the other side of the flats by shuffling back left across the second floor balconies to get to the emergency stairwell that had rotted decades ago to get to the third floor and finally Merlin's balcony.
By the time he got there, Arthur had always skinned his hands, ruined whatever clothes he was wearing and felt five years younger again. Panting, Arthur finally climbed in the window, remembering not to step on the tap as he pulled his second leg in and then clambered down, his work satchel banging against his hip. One of these days, he was just going to ask for a spare key.
Dropping his bag onto the sofa, Arthur looked around. "Merlin?" He shucked his shoes off, padding into the bedroom. Arthur surveyed the sight before him. Merlin was still lying in bed, in almost the same position as when Arthur had left, curled up around a pillow. "Merlin, have you got out of bed today?" Arthur asked quietly as he crouched next to the bed, brushing Merlin's hair back out of his face. A little jut of Merlin's chin towards the bathroom somehow silently told Arthur that he'd got out to go to the toilet, and therefore he hadn't technically been in bed all day.
Arthur sighed. "Have you eaten?" There was the tiniest shake of Merlin's head. Even his lips were dry and chapped, and his little tub of Vaseline was only on the bedside table. Pulling his work clothes off, which were covered in brick dust and other people's rubbish, he changed into some tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt, and crawled back into Merlin's bed. They both wriggled around a bit, making room for Arthur, and he ruffled Merlin's hair. "I'm going to make us some dinner in a bit, and you're going to eat some."
Arthur lay in bed with Merlin for a bit in silence even though neither of them were sleeping, before deciding that enough was enough. He made himself at home in Merlin's kitchen, digging out the takeaway menus.
-
In the weeks that followed, Arthur struggled to deal with Merlin. He felt as if he was hollow inside, or as if he was missing a limb. Merlin had withdrawn from being his best friend into a barely functioning robot. "Up, Merlin," Arthur rolled out of bed and peeled the duvet back with him. He had found that he had to make Merlin get up in the mornings, or it simply wouldn't happen and Merlin would spend the day burrowed in a cocoon of his duvet. Phoning hadn't worked because Merlin would just ignore it and not answer, and so Arthur's choices had been to drop by in the mornings before work or stay the night. He refused to acknowledge that 'leaving Merlin alone to deal with it by himself' was an option.
Arthur would drop by Merlin's house after work to find Merlin still in his pyjama bottoms, mostly likely still in bed or on the sofa watching tv. His extent of food for the day would have been half a packet of biscuits and four cups of tea, made in a flask because it meant he only had to boil the kettle a grand total of once.
Arthur would bring around some dvds and ring up for take-away. He would order Merlin to eat and carry him to the shower and put his toothbrush in his hand. He dictated emails to Merlin's tutor begging for extensions on his essays, peering over Merlin's shoulder for typos before taking the laptop away and writing the emails himself.
More often than not, Arthur stayed the night, and their bodies seemed to automatically adjust to curling up together on the single bed. Arthur usually spooned himself around Merlin's back; the gesture made him feel strangely protective. When he woke up, he'd dig Merlin out of the bed and give him things to do. He'd spoken to Morgana, who had suggested that keeping him busy would stop him from having too much time to overthink his loss.
Looking at his notepad, Arthur added 'Go to your Persian Empires lecture and make extensive notes' and 'Buy groceries - remember eggs, butter, cheese, pasta and frozen vegetables'. Last week, he had put 'buy groceries' on there, Merlin had come back with two boxes of cereal and four tubs of ice cream and Arthur hadn't been able to do anything more than sigh and ruffle Merlin's hair and order take-away that night again.
It was difficult at times to find things to do that would fill his day before Arthur got back, and Arthur even had to put everything in order because it seemed that Merlin would look at the list and just do the first thing on there and work his way down. He was getting increasingly good at judging how long everything would take so that Merlin would get to all the appropriate lectures though.
Arthur tapped the pen against his lip, and added 'Vacuum living room' and 'Make vegetable pasta bake' and reckoned that he would be back by the time Merlin managed to do all of that. Merlin meandered out of the bathroom, having brushed his teeth and washed his face, and Arthur handed him the list. "I'll see you later, yeah? Make sure to get it all done," he said.
"Smile," Arthur added as a mock-order. Merlin looked up and wrenched his muscles so that his mouth looked like it was in a smile, though his eyes remained dead, and Arthur suddenly felt wretched. He wordlessly squeezed Merlin's shoulder, and then rushed off to work.
-
Arthur was bound to snap one day. He was not a patient man to begin with and only Merlin could make him act that gently. But it had been almost a month of Arthur camping out at Merlin's, making those pointless lists, and Merlin still barely even spoke to Arthur. Sometimes, he didn't even follow Arthur's list and he would find it on the floor next to the sofa as Merlin slouched on it, the tv blaring mindlessly as he ate his way through his ice-cream and sugary cereal.
This time though, Merlin hadn't been at home when Arthur dropped round. When he tried ringing, Merlin's phone rang out from his desk and he had frowned. Half an hour later, Arthur found his list for that day discarded on the kitchen table and 'Buy milk and chicken' had already been crossed off. He started to worry. He called Gwen, thinking that maybe Merlin was starting to open up and Arthur hadn't been there at the time. Gwen was the first person he'd have gone to aside from Arthur, but she hadn't heard anything, having spent all afternoon in a practical lab class.
Arthur stared at the list, and phoned Morgana too, just in case. The last time she'd seen Merlin was when Arthur had desperately made him come out to the pub with them all and he had spent the evening sitting in the corner without saying a single word after the hellos. "I don't know where he is, Morgana," Arthur was too flustered to notice the despair in his voice.
"Arthur, calm down. He lives there and he's not a child, you know. He knows his way around the area. Maybe he's just gone for a walk." Arthur wasn't so flustered that he didn't notice the exaggeratedly calm tone she was using to placate him, or the slight tinge of worry in her own voice. It wasn't like Merlin to just up and disappear like that at all. Arthur mouthed something to Morgana and hung up. He fiddled with his phone for a moment before heading back out of the flat. It was most likely that Merlin was fine, but he didn't want to sit around and just wait.
Arthur checked the park first, even though it was a blustery day, since Merlin used to love to just sit there and read. Then he tried university, trying the lecture halls the History department used as well as the seminar rooms. He tried the little café off campus that Merlin loved because it did the best mushroom paninis. Arthur tried desperately not to work himself up into a state. Perhaps Merlin had gone home in the time that he'd been out.
Stuffing his hands back into his pockets, Arthur headed back to Merlin's flat, and then his heart stopped as he recognised Merlin on the other side of the bridge. Arthur dashed across four lanes of traffic, wishing that the bridge wasn't so damn terribly long, and skidded to a halt next to Merlin. "Merlin!" He gasped, and Merlin turned to look at him. Merlin blinked twice at him and then turned back to look at the river so slowly, so terribly slowly. It felt as if someone had reached out and clenched their hand around Arthur's heart. "Merlin, don't you dare!" He roared, reaching out and yanking him away from the railing.
"Home, NOW!" Arthur yelled over the rumble of traffic and several people turned to look at them. A spark flashed through Merlin's eyes, wide and frightened, and Arthur felt physically disgusted with himself that after so long, this was the first show of emotion that Merlin had displayed.
Eventually, Merlin's head dropped, and he turned away from the bridge, his fingers skating lightly across the railing, before taking a step towards his flat. Arthur swallowed thickly, suppressing everything that wanted to come out: tears, apologies, bile. "Okay," Merlin said softly, waiting for Arthur to fall in step with him. They walked silently back to the flat, and Arthur noticed that Merlin was shivering, his shoulders shaking helplessly. He took his coat off and draped it over Merlin's shoulders and kept his arm around Merlin's shoulders for good measure too.
They got back in, and Arthur breathed as the door closed behind them. "Sorry, I'm sorry... so sorry" he said wretchedly, shoulders slumping as he watched Merlin just stand in the hallway.
Merlin shook his head slightly, and looked sideways at Arthur. "I'm glad," he whispered.
Arthur stepped forward, tugging him into a tight hug that was reassurance and apology in one before saying, "Why don't you make dinner." He didn't phrase it as a question and though his voice was gentle, it was also firm. Merlin nodded, his face showing obvious relief and disappeared into the kitchen. Arthur sank onto the stairs and dropped his head into his hands. He needed help.
Taking his phone out, Arthur speed-dialed Morgana, whispering, "Pick up, please pick up," with every ring. Morgana answered crisply, and Arthur closed his eyes, leaning his head on the wall. "Morgana." She knew him well; she grasped his mood from that one word.
"What happened?" She asked, tone instantly soft.
Arthur had to swallow several times before he could manage to answer. "Merlin was thinking about jumping off Waterloo Bridge." Morgana waited, knowing he had more to say. Arthur stuttered over his next words. "And I pulled him away and yelled at him." His word sank into the silence between them and the urge to throw up started to rise up again, as if that would expel the guilt and shame from him.
Hearing Morgana sighed, Arthur chewed his lip. "Oh, Arthur," she sounded pitying over the phone. "How is he?"
Arthur shrugged, more to himself. "I don't know. He's okay. I don't know," he repeated. He licked his lips, and nodded. "He's okay," he said more firmly, somehow knowing that it was true.
Morgana didn't question his judgement, even though at this moment, she had every right too. "And how are you?" She asked, unnaturally perceptive. Arthur frowned; it hadn't even been something he had considered.
"Shaky," he laughed awkwardly. "I don't like... You know Merlin. So independent."
Arthur didn't even have to make coherent sense for Morgana to understand him. "I know, Arthur, but right now, you're good for him." He could hear the encouraging smile in her voice. "Don't forget that." He nodded as she said bye and hung up. He took a few moments to clear his head before heading in to the kitchen.
"How's it going?" He asked, hovering in the doorway.
"Good," Merlin ventured a small smile at him and Arthur felt his chest clench at the sight of it. It was nothing close to his old, broad grin, but it was a start. He was still a bit dazed: how had it taken Merlin to consider killing himself to kick start things back in the right direction?
When Merlin finished cooking, he stood in the kitchen, wringing his hands and looking at Arthur expectantly. "Er," Arthur floundered, "Er, why don't you go set the table?" Merlin nodded, immediately going for the cutlery drawer.
-
Their relationship seemed to spiral out from those few weeks of their lives. Arthur still bossed Merlin around, making lists of things Merlin needed to get done that day, and Merlin still reported back every evening to ease Arthur's concern. Merlin would cook dinner out of gratitude, and they still collapsed into the same bed at night, all pressed up together. Arthur found that if he was hesitant or asked Merlin to do something, Merlin started to slide back into bad habits, spending his days watching daytime tv instead of writing his essays. Arthur bit his lip, and swallowed, and shaped his hesitations into stern orders.
Arthur had tried moving home since it was apparent that Merlin could function just fine by himself, but his bed was too cold and empty without Merlin, and he was bored in the evening and he hated cooking, and he finally went over to Merlin's to find Merlin sitting on the sofa staring at the phone, his thumb hovering over the call button and his number on the screen. That hadn't happened again.
Bringing back some dvds, Arthur complained that Merlin's tv was far too small, and Merlin pointed out that Arthur had a far bigger tv back at his own flat. The strange way that Arthur seemed to practically live here even though he had a flat that was not only perfectly functional but actually also more spacious and more high-tech than Merlin's had always gone undiscussed between the two of them. Arthur knew that Merlin always had the little nagging thought at the back of his mind that one day, Arthur would go back to his flat and leave him 'once he was well' again.
"Come on," Arthur had uprooted the two of them over to his flat. Arthur had put the dvd in on at his place and then retreated to the sofa to find Merlin cuddling one of his large cushions. From then on, they went to Arthur's to watch things, like their own mini home cinema, and Arthur started putting things in the wash only to realise that at least half the clothes were Merlin's.
They started staying at Arthur's more frequently. Merlin liked Arthur's bigger kitchen and Arthur liked Merlin's cooking, so he indulged Merlin, thinking of more things that he liked to eat but didn't have the capability to cook himself. Most days, he came home to find Merlin bustling around in his kitchen humming to himself as he dabbled. It made Arthur smile. He bought Merlin one of those frilly white aprons that no one really owned.
The third thing in Arthur's flat that was bigger than in Merlin's was the bed, and Arthur would wake up to discover that cramps in his arms weren't normal things after all. Merlin would octopus himself all over the bed, burying himself in the mound of pillows and Arthur would tell him off and roll him over to make space.
-
It was probably only natural that the kiss happened at some point.
It was after they'd just marathoned the entire first season of House one Friday evening and had plonked into Arthur's bed, heads reeling a little from overexposure to the tv and Merlin had curled up to Arthur. It was a habit he hadn't ever got out of and somehow neither of them had considered it odd that they still slept tangled up together even though Arthur's bed was king-sized.
One night, Arthur lay on his back, staring up at the darkness. Merlin was snoring softly into his neck, and his arm was around Merlin's shoulder. He wondered why, after so long and when Arthur clearly had a guest room, they still slept in the same bed together. Not only did they share a bed, but they slept curled up together in the middle of the bed still despite there being lots of space now.
Arthur considered peeling Merlin off himself and tucking him away on the other side of the bed and got no further than moving Merlin's arm before giving up. He didn't like the idea of Merlin waking up to think Arthur didn't like him anymore, and clearly the loss of warmth both on his body and inside him when he had been moving Merlin's arm had nothing to do with it at all. He went to sleep resolving to not bring it up unless Merlin did so first.
Merlin snuffled a bit, waking up sleepily, and entwined his legs with Arthur's because Arthur's legs were warm and Arthur had wrapped his arm around Merlin's waist because it was the only place to put it without cramping up his arm. Arthur was petting Merlin's head because it seemed to calm him down, and then he had blinked twice and said, "I'm going to kiss you."
He leaned forward like it was the most natural thing in the world, and pressed his lips to Merlin's. Merlin's lips were soft and full, and when they parted, his mouth was warm and wet and inviting. "Mmmmm." Arthur lapped his tongue across Merlin's bottom lip and into his mouth, sliding deliciously against Merlin's own tongue. He could feel Merlin's mouth opening obediently. In retrospect, it probably was the most natural thing in the world. It seemed to have been something that they had both been waiting for, but had never realised.
Somewhere along the way, they had skipped that nervous bit where they didn't really know each other and were deathly afraid of doing anything that might seem stupid or insensitive to the other person. It seemed as though the weeks following Gaius' funeral had broken all those barriers, and they skipped straight to being comfortable with each other.
That wasn't to say that every touch and look was not thrilling though, for Arthur played his hand down Merlin's back with an interest he had never showed before, and there was something fundamentally more exciting about sleeping cuddled up so close together now. Their mouths parted with a light, wet noise. "Tomorrow," Arthur paused to yawn, "I am going to kiss you some more. But right now, I'm going to sleep." Merlin dipped his head, hiding a small, shy smile of consent, and pulled the covers up over Arthur's hip before nuzzling his head back into his favoured spot of Arthur's neck.
-
Arthur woke up with Merlin's hair splayed over his cheek and gently brushed it out of his mouth before rolling over. Merlin still lay with his mouth half open in sleep and Arthur looked at him for a moment, letting his doubts roll over him. He was taking advantage of Merlin in a vulnerable state, he knew, and this was so much worse than having Merlin cook for him and tidy his flat, which had his stomach roiling each time he thought about it.
He'd tried to tell Morgana this, but she had flatly told him that he was being stupid because Merlin did actually have a brain. She pointed out that was perfectly capable of saying 'no' to Arthur as proven by the previous twelve years of their friendship, where Merlin was usually the first to say 'no' to Arthur.
Arthur stared at Merlin for a while, and then pushed his head firmly downwards, smothering Merlin's lips and massaging Merlin's lips with his own. He slipped his tongue into Merlin's mouth, which was moist and wet, and Merlin woke with a muffled squeak. He flailed for a moment, but Arthur put a hand on his chest and pushed him down, kissing him until he was satisfied. He raised his head, eyes half-closed. "I'll be back in a moment. Don't go anywhere," he told Merlin before going to relieve himself.
Sneaking a peek at Merlin from the bathroom, Arthur was relieved to note that Merlin didn't seem unhappy at being woken up so. Arthur flushed, washed his hands and slid back into bed, running his hand down Merlin's chest. Merlin shivered a bit as Arthur gripped his chin firmly with one hand, ducking back down to claim his mouth again. He swirled his tongue across Merlin's, which meekly lapped at him, and nibbled at his full lower lip. "Shame I've got to go to work," Arthur said. He traced a finger over those gorgeous cheekbones. "Try making fish pie for tonight," he sat up and ticked items off on his fingers. "We need more loo roll, and the oven is probably due for a scrubbing. I'm expecting a delivery of books - the one on Arabian Culture is for you - and you need to do your essay today, because we're going to go out and see that new film on Henry VIII tonight."
Merlin nodded. "Okay," he smiled. This time, maybe, there was a little more of a smile in his eyes too. He bit his lip. "Do I have to finish my essay?" Arthur narrowed his eyes, knowing that Merlin probably planned to come back after the film and finish it.
"Yes," he said firmly. "You're not going to faff about procrastinating your essay all day. Do it." Arthur carded his fingers through Merlin's hair, wondering if he was being too cheesy. "I want to spend the evening with you." Merlin laughed, and it was all right. He pressed a final kiss to Merlin, not wanting to take this change in their relationship too far too quickly, and slid out of bed to get dressed.
Part Two
Media Creator: amber, Link TBA
Word Count: Just over 11k
Contains: Powerplay, D/s, mild puppy play, mild orgasm denial, sex toys, passing suicidal thoughts
Summary/Teaser: After the death of Gaius, Merlin's life fell apart and Arthur was there to pick it back up again. They never planned it that way, but somehow Arthur took control of Merlin's life completely until he was in the right mind set to look after himself properly again. When Merlin's back to himself again, he discovers that maybe he still needs Arthur after all. :3
AN: Too much writing, too little sleep, too little food, too little timeeeeeee. D:
It wasn't an arrangement they made, or anything like that. It wasn't even ever really spoken about. It was something that fell into place in their relationship, something that had been needed. After Gaius died, Merlin's life fell apart, and Arthur had been there to patch him back together.
Gaius had been the father his actual father hadn't been, and Merlin had not thought that he would pass away so soon. Merlin stood by the grave long after everyone else had left. He stood there in the pathetic sporadic drizzle that called itself rain in his Sunday best, the rain making it impossible to tell if there were tears.
Arthur had come back for him, finally, after staying through his father's speech at the reception business where everyone had spoken in hushed tones and sipped wine and shaken their heads. Arthur was sure that his father believed his own words, for Gaius had been as much a friend to him as Uther had ever known, but the speech hadn't quite sat right with him. He had looked around for Merlin to share this sentiment with, and realised that he wasn't there. Arthur frowned; of course he wouldn't be interested in making small talk and drinking wine at a time like this.
His leather shoes squelching in the mud, Arthur made his way back through the patchy, weedy grass to stand next to Merlin. He changed the hand he was holding the umbrella in to hold it over Merlin, even though that meant that he was permanently ruining the right side of his suit jacket. Merlin didn't even notice. Arthur followed Merlin's gaze down, eyes tracing over the words, simply but well carved.
Gaius,
beloved friend and mentor
1928 - 2010
Arthur didn't know how long they stood there. He only disturbed Merlin's silence when he noticed that the other man was shaking from the cold. He looked at Merlin's face, not only not knowing what to say, but knowing that whatever he could say, Merlin already knew. He noticed something he could not have earlier: there were no tears on Merlin's face.
"Come on." Arthur laid a hand on Merlin's shoulder, and pulled him away.
-
Crumpled on Arthur's shoulder, with no real idea of how long he'd been there, Merlin heaved a few breaths, his body exhausted from crying. It had been Arthur who had sat there, judging the right balance between when to let the grief pour out and when to tell him to pull himself together and take a shower. It had been Arthur who had herded him into the shower and pulled his clothes off for him as Merlin stared dumbly at a button and made sure that the water was a good temperature. It had been Arthur who had realised was something wrong all the way from Merlin's bedroom where he had just borrowed some casual clothes, and had stepped into the shower with all his clothes on to prop him up as his knees started to buckle and his back slid down the tiles.
"Come on, Merlin," Arthur chided not unkindly, one arm stopping Merlin falling over and the other reaching for the bottles on the side. "How do you normally shower? Shower gel first?" He pushed the bottle at Merlin, whose body finally registered a familiar routine and started to automatically go through the motions. Arthur talked Merlin through washing his hair before tipping them both out of the shower, rubbing Merlin dry vigorously.
Merlin finally looked up, his eyes focussing properly again. "Thanks," he said, his voice thick, plucking at Arthur's drenched shirt in lieu of the appropriate words to express himself. He was too tired to try and form full sentences. "Didn't have to," he added.
"I know," Arthur said, shrugging his clothes off and leaving them draped over the shower door as he rummaged through Merlin's drawers for some clothes to borrow. He pushed Merlin into the bed, trying to make sense of the untidy mess of bedclothes before managing to tuck Merlin in. "Sleep," he advised before leaving for the sofa. He was far too tired himself to attempt to drive back to his own flat and he somehow didn't feel comfortable leaving Merlin by himself anyway.
The plea was so quiet that Arthur thought he hadn't heard it. He blinked, and faced Merlin, who was looking at him with wide, red eyes. "Stay?" It was said just as quietly the second time around, but Arthur understood. He perched on the edge of the bed, smoothing Merlin's damp fringe out of his eyes before lying down and squishing them together in the narrow bed. He could feel Merlin's fragile body shaking next to him; Arthur pressed his broad, steady hand to Merlin's back and smoothed the tremors away.
-
Arthur woke up early for work, his body complaining vigorously from having been cramped and twisted around Merlin for the entire night. He slid out of the bed, inching the covers off so as not to produce a breeze and wake Merlin. His borrowed underwear was sticking to his thighs and his hair was slightly damp and sticking to his scalp; the room was too small for the body heat of two.
After a quick shower, never mind that he had showered just the night before, Arthur pulled out some of his clothes. Although neither of them had ever specifically left clothes at each other's, there were always borrowed and left items of clothing around. He glanced worriedly down at Merlin, looking exhausted even in his sleep. He had to go to work, but he wished that he could just make sure that Merlin was going to be all right. He smoothed the covers over Merlin and left, trying not to entertain the thought calling in sick just for the day.
Arthur checked back up on Merlin in his lunch break, phoning his mobile and letting it carry on ringing until he reached voicemail. Maybe, he told himself even as he stared at the screen with his thumb hovering over the 'dial' button again, maybe Merlin just wasn't up yet. It was one o'clock, and it wouldn't be uncommon for students to not be up at that time if they didn't have to be.
He opened up the text option anyway. Hey, you ok? Text if you need me. This time, he dithered over the 'send' button. It wasn't that he didn't want to send it, but rather that he didn't know if the wording was quite right. Arthur couldn't think of anything better though, so he sent it before trying to chew down his sandwich.
After work, his shoulders aching a little from being tensely hunched over the computer, Arthur found that his feet were taking him automatically towards Leicester Square, where his flat was. He paused, and headed in the other direction. Merlin hadn't texted back all day.
"Merlin?" Arthur tried calling through the letterbox. The doorbell hadn't worked for the three years Merlin had lived here, and there had been no response to his knock. Arthur scowled, and walked down the stairs and around the back. Merlin always kept the kitchen window unlocked but pushed shut, in case he ever locked himself out, and no one had ever tried to burgle him because he was on the third floor. The first time Arthur had tried to do this, he'd been shouted at by three neighbours on the block when he shuffled across their balcony, but he had done it enough times that they knew who he was now. He even stopped to pet the cat from the second floor sometimes.
Arthur first climbed onto the more far right wheelie bin, holding his breath because it always smelled disgusting no matter how drunk he was. That made him tall enough to pull himself up onto the first floor balcony. He had to make his way right across three other first floor balconies to climb onto the wall that separated this block of flats from the next one, which gave him access to the second floor balconies. Then he had to get to the other side of the flats by shuffling back left across the second floor balconies to get to the emergency stairwell that had rotted decades ago to get to the third floor and finally Merlin's balcony.
By the time he got there, Arthur had always skinned his hands, ruined whatever clothes he was wearing and felt five years younger again. Panting, Arthur finally climbed in the window, remembering not to step on the tap as he pulled his second leg in and then clambered down, his work satchel banging against his hip. One of these days, he was just going to ask for a spare key.
Dropping his bag onto the sofa, Arthur looked around. "Merlin?" He shucked his shoes off, padding into the bedroom. Arthur surveyed the sight before him. Merlin was still lying in bed, in almost the same position as when Arthur had left, curled up around a pillow. "Merlin, have you got out of bed today?" Arthur asked quietly as he crouched next to the bed, brushing Merlin's hair back out of his face. A little jut of Merlin's chin towards the bathroom somehow silently told Arthur that he'd got out to go to the toilet, and therefore he hadn't technically been in bed all day.
Arthur sighed. "Have you eaten?" There was the tiniest shake of Merlin's head. Even his lips were dry and chapped, and his little tub of Vaseline was only on the bedside table. Pulling his work clothes off, which were covered in brick dust and other people's rubbish, he changed into some tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt, and crawled back into Merlin's bed. They both wriggled around a bit, making room for Arthur, and he ruffled Merlin's hair. "I'm going to make us some dinner in a bit, and you're going to eat some."
Arthur lay in bed with Merlin for a bit in silence even though neither of them were sleeping, before deciding that enough was enough. He made himself at home in Merlin's kitchen, digging out the takeaway menus.
-
In the weeks that followed, Arthur struggled to deal with Merlin. He felt as if he was hollow inside, or as if he was missing a limb. Merlin had withdrawn from being his best friend into a barely functioning robot. "Up, Merlin," Arthur rolled out of bed and peeled the duvet back with him. He had found that he had to make Merlin get up in the mornings, or it simply wouldn't happen and Merlin would spend the day burrowed in a cocoon of his duvet. Phoning hadn't worked because Merlin would just ignore it and not answer, and so Arthur's choices had been to drop by in the mornings before work or stay the night. He refused to acknowledge that 'leaving Merlin alone to deal with it by himself' was an option.
Arthur would drop by Merlin's house after work to find Merlin still in his pyjama bottoms, mostly likely still in bed or on the sofa watching tv. His extent of food for the day would have been half a packet of biscuits and four cups of tea, made in a flask because it meant he only had to boil the kettle a grand total of once.
Arthur would bring around some dvds and ring up for take-away. He would order Merlin to eat and carry him to the shower and put his toothbrush in his hand. He dictated emails to Merlin's tutor begging for extensions on his essays, peering over Merlin's shoulder for typos before taking the laptop away and writing the emails himself.
More often than not, Arthur stayed the night, and their bodies seemed to automatically adjust to curling up together on the single bed. Arthur usually spooned himself around Merlin's back; the gesture made him feel strangely protective. When he woke up, he'd dig Merlin out of the bed and give him things to do. He'd spoken to Morgana, who had suggested that keeping him busy would stop him from having too much time to overthink his loss.
Looking at his notepad, Arthur added 'Go to your Persian Empires lecture and make extensive notes' and 'Buy groceries - remember eggs, butter, cheese, pasta and frozen vegetables'. Last week, he had put 'buy groceries' on there, Merlin had come back with two boxes of cereal and four tubs of ice cream and Arthur hadn't been able to do anything more than sigh and ruffle Merlin's hair and order take-away that night again.
It was difficult at times to find things to do that would fill his day before Arthur got back, and Arthur even had to put everything in order because it seemed that Merlin would look at the list and just do the first thing on there and work his way down. He was getting increasingly good at judging how long everything would take so that Merlin would get to all the appropriate lectures though.
Arthur tapped the pen against his lip, and added 'Vacuum living room' and 'Make vegetable pasta bake' and reckoned that he would be back by the time Merlin managed to do all of that. Merlin meandered out of the bathroom, having brushed his teeth and washed his face, and Arthur handed him the list. "I'll see you later, yeah? Make sure to get it all done," he said.
"Smile," Arthur added as a mock-order. Merlin looked up and wrenched his muscles so that his mouth looked like it was in a smile, though his eyes remained dead, and Arthur suddenly felt wretched. He wordlessly squeezed Merlin's shoulder, and then rushed off to work.
-
Arthur was bound to snap one day. He was not a patient man to begin with and only Merlin could make him act that gently. But it had been almost a month of Arthur camping out at Merlin's, making those pointless lists, and Merlin still barely even spoke to Arthur. Sometimes, he didn't even follow Arthur's list and he would find it on the floor next to the sofa as Merlin slouched on it, the tv blaring mindlessly as he ate his way through his ice-cream and sugary cereal.
This time though, Merlin hadn't been at home when Arthur dropped round. When he tried ringing, Merlin's phone rang out from his desk and he had frowned. Half an hour later, Arthur found his list for that day discarded on the kitchen table and 'Buy milk and chicken' had already been crossed off. He started to worry. He called Gwen, thinking that maybe Merlin was starting to open up and Arthur hadn't been there at the time. Gwen was the first person he'd have gone to aside from Arthur, but she hadn't heard anything, having spent all afternoon in a practical lab class.
Arthur stared at the list, and phoned Morgana too, just in case. The last time she'd seen Merlin was when Arthur had desperately made him come out to the pub with them all and he had spent the evening sitting in the corner without saying a single word after the hellos. "I don't know where he is, Morgana," Arthur was too flustered to notice the despair in his voice.
"Arthur, calm down. He lives there and he's not a child, you know. He knows his way around the area. Maybe he's just gone for a walk." Arthur wasn't so flustered that he didn't notice the exaggeratedly calm tone she was using to placate him, or the slight tinge of worry in her own voice. It wasn't like Merlin to just up and disappear like that at all. Arthur mouthed something to Morgana and hung up. He fiddled with his phone for a moment before heading back out of the flat. It was most likely that Merlin was fine, but he didn't want to sit around and just wait.
Arthur checked the park first, even though it was a blustery day, since Merlin used to love to just sit there and read. Then he tried university, trying the lecture halls the History department used as well as the seminar rooms. He tried the little café off campus that Merlin loved because it did the best mushroom paninis. Arthur tried desperately not to work himself up into a state. Perhaps Merlin had gone home in the time that he'd been out.
Stuffing his hands back into his pockets, Arthur headed back to Merlin's flat, and then his heart stopped as he recognised Merlin on the other side of the bridge. Arthur dashed across four lanes of traffic, wishing that the bridge wasn't so damn terribly long, and skidded to a halt next to Merlin. "Merlin!" He gasped, and Merlin turned to look at him. Merlin blinked twice at him and then turned back to look at the river so slowly, so terribly slowly. It felt as if someone had reached out and clenched their hand around Arthur's heart. "Merlin, don't you dare!" He roared, reaching out and yanking him away from the railing.
"Home, NOW!" Arthur yelled over the rumble of traffic and several people turned to look at them. A spark flashed through Merlin's eyes, wide and frightened, and Arthur felt physically disgusted with himself that after so long, this was the first show of emotion that Merlin had displayed.
Eventually, Merlin's head dropped, and he turned away from the bridge, his fingers skating lightly across the railing, before taking a step towards his flat. Arthur swallowed thickly, suppressing everything that wanted to come out: tears, apologies, bile. "Okay," Merlin said softly, waiting for Arthur to fall in step with him. They walked silently back to the flat, and Arthur noticed that Merlin was shivering, his shoulders shaking helplessly. He took his coat off and draped it over Merlin's shoulders and kept his arm around Merlin's shoulders for good measure too.
They got back in, and Arthur breathed as the door closed behind them. "Sorry, I'm sorry... so sorry" he said wretchedly, shoulders slumping as he watched Merlin just stand in the hallway.
Merlin shook his head slightly, and looked sideways at Arthur. "I'm glad," he whispered.
Arthur stepped forward, tugging him into a tight hug that was reassurance and apology in one before saying, "Why don't you make dinner." He didn't phrase it as a question and though his voice was gentle, it was also firm. Merlin nodded, his face showing obvious relief and disappeared into the kitchen. Arthur sank onto the stairs and dropped his head into his hands. He needed help.
Taking his phone out, Arthur speed-dialed Morgana, whispering, "Pick up, please pick up," with every ring. Morgana answered crisply, and Arthur closed his eyes, leaning his head on the wall. "Morgana." She knew him well; she grasped his mood from that one word.
"What happened?" She asked, tone instantly soft.
Arthur had to swallow several times before he could manage to answer. "Merlin was thinking about jumping off Waterloo Bridge." Morgana waited, knowing he had more to say. Arthur stuttered over his next words. "And I pulled him away and yelled at him." His word sank into the silence between them and the urge to throw up started to rise up again, as if that would expel the guilt and shame from him.
Hearing Morgana sighed, Arthur chewed his lip. "Oh, Arthur," she sounded pitying over the phone. "How is he?"
Arthur shrugged, more to himself. "I don't know. He's okay. I don't know," he repeated. He licked his lips, and nodded. "He's okay," he said more firmly, somehow knowing that it was true.
Morgana didn't question his judgement, even though at this moment, she had every right too. "And how are you?" She asked, unnaturally perceptive. Arthur frowned; it hadn't even been something he had considered.
"Shaky," he laughed awkwardly. "I don't like... You know Merlin. So independent."
Arthur didn't even have to make coherent sense for Morgana to understand him. "I know, Arthur, but right now, you're good for him." He could hear the encouraging smile in her voice. "Don't forget that." He nodded as she said bye and hung up. He took a few moments to clear his head before heading in to the kitchen.
"How's it going?" He asked, hovering in the doorway.
"Good," Merlin ventured a small smile at him and Arthur felt his chest clench at the sight of it. It was nothing close to his old, broad grin, but it was a start. He was still a bit dazed: how had it taken Merlin to consider killing himself to kick start things back in the right direction?
When Merlin finished cooking, he stood in the kitchen, wringing his hands and looking at Arthur expectantly. "Er," Arthur floundered, "Er, why don't you go set the table?" Merlin nodded, immediately going for the cutlery drawer.
-
Their relationship seemed to spiral out from those few weeks of their lives. Arthur still bossed Merlin around, making lists of things Merlin needed to get done that day, and Merlin still reported back every evening to ease Arthur's concern. Merlin would cook dinner out of gratitude, and they still collapsed into the same bed at night, all pressed up together. Arthur found that if he was hesitant or asked Merlin to do something, Merlin started to slide back into bad habits, spending his days watching daytime tv instead of writing his essays. Arthur bit his lip, and swallowed, and shaped his hesitations into stern orders.
Arthur had tried moving home since it was apparent that Merlin could function just fine by himself, but his bed was too cold and empty without Merlin, and he was bored in the evening and he hated cooking, and he finally went over to Merlin's to find Merlin sitting on the sofa staring at the phone, his thumb hovering over the call button and his number on the screen. That hadn't happened again.
Bringing back some dvds, Arthur complained that Merlin's tv was far too small, and Merlin pointed out that Arthur had a far bigger tv back at his own flat. The strange way that Arthur seemed to practically live here even though he had a flat that was not only perfectly functional but actually also more spacious and more high-tech than Merlin's had always gone undiscussed between the two of them. Arthur knew that Merlin always had the little nagging thought at the back of his mind that one day, Arthur would go back to his flat and leave him 'once he was well' again.
"Come on," Arthur had uprooted the two of them over to his flat. Arthur had put the dvd in on at his place and then retreated to the sofa to find Merlin cuddling one of his large cushions. From then on, they went to Arthur's to watch things, like their own mini home cinema, and Arthur started putting things in the wash only to realise that at least half the clothes were Merlin's.
They started staying at Arthur's more frequently. Merlin liked Arthur's bigger kitchen and Arthur liked Merlin's cooking, so he indulged Merlin, thinking of more things that he liked to eat but didn't have the capability to cook himself. Most days, he came home to find Merlin bustling around in his kitchen humming to himself as he dabbled. It made Arthur smile. He bought Merlin one of those frilly white aprons that no one really owned.
The third thing in Arthur's flat that was bigger than in Merlin's was the bed, and Arthur would wake up to discover that cramps in his arms weren't normal things after all. Merlin would octopus himself all over the bed, burying himself in the mound of pillows and Arthur would tell him off and roll him over to make space.
-
It was probably only natural that the kiss happened at some point.
It was after they'd just marathoned the entire first season of House one Friday evening and had plonked into Arthur's bed, heads reeling a little from overexposure to the tv and Merlin had curled up to Arthur. It was a habit he hadn't ever got out of and somehow neither of them had considered it odd that they still slept tangled up together even though Arthur's bed was king-sized.
One night, Arthur lay on his back, staring up at the darkness. Merlin was snoring softly into his neck, and his arm was around Merlin's shoulder. He wondered why, after so long and when Arthur clearly had a guest room, they still slept in the same bed together. Not only did they share a bed, but they slept curled up together in the middle of the bed still despite there being lots of space now.
Arthur considered peeling Merlin off himself and tucking him away on the other side of the bed and got no further than moving Merlin's arm before giving up. He didn't like the idea of Merlin waking up to think Arthur didn't like him anymore, and clearly the loss of warmth both on his body and inside him when he had been moving Merlin's arm had nothing to do with it at all. He went to sleep resolving to not bring it up unless Merlin did so first.
Merlin snuffled a bit, waking up sleepily, and entwined his legs with Arthur's because Arthur's legs were warm and Arthur had wrapped his arm around Merlin's waist because it was the only place to put it without cramping up his arm. Arthur was petting Merlin's head because it seemed to calm him down, and then he had blinked twice and said, "I'm going to kiss you."
He leaned forward like it was the most natural thing in the world, and pressed his lips to Merlin's. Merlin's lips were soft and full, and when they parted, his mouth was warm and wet and inviting. "Mmmmm." Arthur lapped his tongue across Merlin's bottom lip and into his mouth, sliding deliciously against Merlin's own tongue. He could feel Merlin's mouth opening obediently. In retrospect, it probably was the most natural thing in the world. It seemed to have been something that they had both been waiting for, but had never realised.
Somewhere along the way, they had skipped that nervous bit where they didn't really know each other and were deathly afraid of doing anything that might seem stupid or insensitive to the other person. It seemed as though the weeks following Gaius' funeral had broken all those barriers, and they skipped straight to being comfortable with each other.
That wasn't to say that every touch and look was not thrilling though, for Arthur played his hand down Merlin's back with an interest he had never showed before, and there was something fundamentally more exciting about sleeping cuddled up so close together now. Their mouths parted with a light, wet noise. "Tomorrow," Arthur paused to yawn, "I am going to kiss you some more. But right now, I'm going to sleep." Merlin dipped his head, hiding a small, shy smile of consent, and pulled the covers up over Arthur's hip before nuzzling his head back into his favoured spot of Arthur's neck.
-
Arthur woke up with Merlin's hair splayed over his cheek and gently brushed it out of his mouth before rolling over. Merlin still lay with his mouth half open in sleep and Arthur looked at him for a moment, letting his doubts roll over him. He was taking advantage of Merlin in a vulnerable state, he knew, and this was so much worse than having Merlin cook for him and tidy his flat, which had his stomach roiling each time he thought about it.
He'd tried to tell Morgana this, but she had flatly told him that he was being stupid because Merlin did actually have a brain. She pointed out that was perfectly capable of saying 'no' to Arthur as proven by the previous twelve years of their friendship, where Merlin was usually the first to say 'no' to Arthur.
Arthur stared at Merlin for a while, and then pushed his head firmly downwards, smothering Merlin's lips and massaging Merlin's lips with his own. He slipped his tongue into Merlin's mouth, which was moist and wet, and Merlin woke with a muffled squeak. He flailed for a moment, but Arthur put a hand on his chest and pushed him down, kissing him until he was satisfied. He raised his head, eyes half-closed. "I'll be back in a moment. Don't go anywhere," he told Merlin before going to relieve himself.
Sneaking a peek at Merlin from the bathroom, Arthur was relieved to note that Merlin didn't seem unhappy at being woken up so. Arthur flushed, washed his hands and slid back into bed, running his hand down Merlin's chest. Merlin shivered a bit as Arthur gripped his chin firmly with one hand, ducking back down to claim his mouth again. He swirled his tongue across Merlin's, which meekly lapped at him, and nibbled at his full lower lip. "Shame I've got to go to work," Arthur said. He traced a finger over those gorgeous cheekbones. "Try making fish pie for tonight," he sat up and ticked items off on his fingers. "We need more loo roll, and the oven is probably due for a scrubbing. I'm expecting a delivery of books - the one on Arabian Culture is for you - and you need to do your essay today, because we're going to go out and see that new film on Henry VIII tonight."
Merlin nodded. "Okay," he smiled. This time, maybe, there was a little more of a smile in his eyes too. He bit his lip. "Do I have to finish my essay?" Arthur narrowed his eyes, knowing that Merlin probably planned to come back after the film and finish it.
"Yes," he said firmly. "You're not going to faff about procrastinating your essay all day. Do it." Arthur carded his fingers through Merlin's hair, wondering if he was being too cheesy. "I want to spend the evening with you." Merlin laughed, and it was all right. He pressed a final kiss to Merlin, not wanting to take this change in their relationship too far too quickly, and slid out of bed to get dressed.
Part Two