HELP PLEASE!

[nyc_poet]

Help me please! I just wrote a poem that I hope shows off my talent...I really like it but I'm not sure about the ending...I will love you forever if you help me...thanks!!! (I met a cute 17 year old Spanish guy today named Nick and he writes poetry as well and gave me a sample that was just so achingly beautiful I really almost cried right there

Comments

[autumnsea]

ok looking at how you structured the poem, the repetition and the message, how about you arrange the last parts a little, perhaps like this:

Every day I sit here for you
Cradling my hope that you’ll grant me my last wish
Nursing my tattered soul toward the clouds
Breathe it to its death
I will wait forever for you
But I can not live forever
I’ll just close my eyes to your absence
I’ll just picture your shadow standing over me
And I’ll sing myself to sleep
And I’ll cry myself to sleep

My last
My fatal
My true promise--

I’ll finally let you go

Now I sing myself to sleep
Now I cry myself to sleep.

It's truly a wonderful poem all up though, Sam. ♥

[nyc_poet]

oo thank you sooooo much i really like that ending you are my savior, Autumn :D ♥ ~Sam~

[nyc_poet]

oo thank you sooooo much i really like that ending you are my savior, Autumn :D ♥ ~Sam~

[ayoub]

In on, this line:
I want the taste of you to be the last thing I remember
is a little cumbersome...

I want you to be the last thing on my lips

may fit better, but it's your choice...

I agree with S. though, a wonderful poem :D