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nycjessa

(Untitled)

Feb 09, 2005 09:14

My speech for Speech Class tomorrow... for Erica and anyone else who wants to read it. It's from an article from the current issue of Rolling Stone.
FEEL FREE TO EDIT, I need all the help I can get, haha.

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Comments 6

musicalhysteria February 9 2005, 17:23:17 UTC

and many of them are retiring in droves.
repetitive ... take out the many?

The US is devoting almost $300 million dollars to incentives for new recruits, nearly as much as they contribute to international tsunami relief.
overall the US ... (to tie it together with the past statements) & contributeD.

However, experts say that drafting personnel with special skills misses the larger point, which is that the military is lacking manpower in general.
use BUT instead of HOWEVER.

...with a new ad campaign entitled "Taking It to the Streets," featuring a pimped out bright yellow Hummer and basketball exhibition.
maybe say something other than 'pimped out' lol.

In the end, it may simply come down to math. Bush has already told America's soldiers that "much more will be asked of you" in his second term and has also openly threatened war with Iran. Another war would push the all-volunteer force to its breaking point. So pack your bags and get ready to go, because the impossibility of a draft is apparently very possible.1. you mention it ( ... )

nycjessa February 9 2005, 17:30:40 UTC

This is so funny because you're absolutely right about all of these corrections...but a lot of them were sentences, or parts of sentences, that I copied straight out of RS, haha. Like "pimped out" and the math thing at the end. I plan on heavily editing the last paragraph, I wrote that really quickly and it was starting to get busy here.

But thank you for helping me! I'm definitely going to make all those changes.

<3

nycjessa February 9 2005, 17:37:00 UTC

PS: you can start a sentence/paragraph with "But"?

<3

whoffleck February 9 2005, 17:39:20 UTC

i always do :-X well, when it calls for a But.

I don't know if it's correct or not, but I get away with it.

musicalhysteria February 9 2005, 18:04:06 UTC

journalistically they always tell us to use but instead of however, so i'm slowly forcing myself to edit that way :)

whoffleck February 10 2005, 14:33:54 UTC

omg i just realized i never said bye to you and danny! i am so sorry. lol i ran to my desk to put my shit down and kurt bombarded me with work. tell danny it was nice meeting him! and see you tomorrow.