Since I've been Loving You" Chapter 5
Chapter 5
Jensen's POV
Jensen wakes up to find that Jared's comforting presence behind him is gone. Well, I guess that's it. He
He realized how fucked up I am and left.
Jensen remembers waking up from a nightmare screaming bloody murder, but not much after that. He remembers the nightmare much more clearly. Well, it was more of a memory than a nightmare, but same difference. He figures it must have scared Jared off.
He actually manages to be surprised when he hears Jared's boisterous laugh from downstairs in response to something his mother or Mac no doubt said, then realizes that Jared wouldn't have left in the middle of the night. He's too polite.
Jensen decides to go ahead and shower before going downstairs so he can go ahead and get ready for the day. He quickly crosses the hallway into the bathroom, which now belongs to Mackenzie and hops in the shower.
He stands under the burning hot water even while telling himself not to use all the hot water because there are four other people in the house. When he finally does get out, though, he realizes that while he has a towel he left his clothes in the bedroom.
Shit.
He's glad he can't see himself in the fogged up mirror, because he knows if he could, there's no way he'd be able to drag his ugly ass scarred up body out of the nice, safe, locked bathroom. He does though with the mantra that Jared is downstairs and the rest of his family knows about his scars.
He ties his towel around his waist and makes a mad dash for his childhood bedroom (well, from ages 15-18, but still. His old room) and opens the door without knocking and walks in to find Jared rummaging through a bag.
Before Jensen can run away and lock himself back in the bathroom, Jared looks up at Jensen. The smile he was wearing on his face seconds before vanished.
“Oh, hey Jared,” Jensen says nervously, hoping that his voice comes off as somewhat cool. It doesn't. “What are you doing here?”
“Getting my toothbrush,” Jared replies, lifting the object up and staring right at Jensen with no amusement in his eyes and probably the least friendly expression he'd ever seen on his face.
“Oh, toothbrush. That's... good. Dental hygiene is good,” Jensen says stupidly. Yep, Jenny, if your nightmare last night didn't drive him away, this sure as hell will.
“Cut the crap, Dan,” Jared snaps. Jensen jumps at the angry tone of the voice, but he's hardly surprised.
Jensen supposes his boyfriend had every right to be angry. Jensen knew when the relationship started that it could never grow really, but he'd kept dragging Jared along. He knows he's hideous that he'll never be able to please Jared the way he should. They'll never be able to have sex because who could sleep with someone like him, let alone love him?
Jensen stars shaking and crying, and he misses Jared jumping off the bed towards him.
“Shit,” Jared curses softly. “Shit, Dan, I'm sorry. I didn't- I mean,” he stumbles. Jared pulls Jensen further into the room being exceedingly gentle, more gentle than Jensen deserves, and closes the door behind him.
Jared leads Jensen over to the bed and helps him all the while Jensen is still crying and shaking. Jared just holds Jensen for awhile and Jensen can't help but notice just how much bigger Jared really is than him, but not in a scary, overwhelming way.
“Shh, Dan,” Jared whispers quietly in his ear while rocking him back and forth. 'Jensen!' Jensen desperately wants to scream. 'My name is Jensen!” Only, he knows he can never . He would kill to be able to go by his real name again. To hear Jared say “Jensen” like he says “Danny,” but he knows that Jared only signed up to deal with “Danny, the quirky college student who only wears long clothes” not “Jensen the emotionally disturbed and broken weakling” he's rocking.
Jensen finally manages to calm himself down, and Jared finally asks, “Do you want to explain-?” gesturing up and down at Jensen's body.
“No,” says Jensen, with his head laying on Jared's shoulder.
“No?” Jared repeats, sounding shocked. “Because, not to be rude or judging or whatever, you are covered head to toe in deliberate scars and freaked out when I saw them and seem to have these intense nightmares. I'm worried, Dan. Please let me help you.”
“I-I can't,” Jensen responds quietly. “I'd like to, but I can't tell you why. I know it really, really sucks and I wish I could, but it's not just my secret. Plus, I mean, if you're not going to stay with me, it's not like telling you would do anything.”
“Danny,” Jared starts with a confused not in his voice, “why do you think I'm leaving you? Do you want me to leave?”
“No! God no!” Jensen shouts, “I just- I mean, why would you want to stay with me? I'm, well, look at me! I'm disgusting and fucked up and an emotional mess! I wouldn't stay with me.”
“Danny, you're not disgusting. Not disgusting at all. I think you're just as beautiful as before. Hell, maybe more so. Just looking at you, I'm not going to lie, it's obvious something very bad happened to you and the fact that you survived makes you so damn strong,” Jared explains.
“So... you're staying?” Jensen asks hopefully.
“Babe, I'm not leaving you,” Jared sings in a bad Robert Plant imitation. Jensen laughs lightly at the Led Zeppelin reference and leans his head on Jared's shoulder.
“So,” Jared starts after they sit in comfortable silence for awhile, “this is why you always wear long sleeves?” He gently traces over the scars on the underside of Jensen's forearm and it sends a shiver up Jensen's spine.
“Yep,” he answers simply.
They sit for awhile longer when Jared finally says, “As much as I really, and I mean really, hate to, break this up, your mom's probably waiting on us.”
Jensen sighs in annoyance. He'd been enjoying his nice comfy boyfriend. He gets up though because he realizes that Jared's right and he's still only wearing a towel. He quickly throw on a pair of jeans, socks, and a sweater. Then, he notices what Jared is wearing...
“Dude, you're wearing a red Christmas sweater with reindeer on it,” Jensen points out in shock.
Jared looks down at his ostentatious red sweater and sarcastically says, “Yes. Thank you for telling me, Dan.”
“The reindeer have bells that jingle when you move,” Jensen continues, seemingly not having noticed Jared's previous comment.
“Again, yes. Bells generally jingle when they move.”
“I'm dating a guy that wears red reindeer sweaters with jingle bells.”
“Well, we are a gay couple...”
Jensen just looks up in annoyance at Jared, and shakes his head as he hops off the bed and on out the door.
“Hey, mom,” he says as he walks into the kitchen where her and his father were preparing breakfast. “Mmm, pancakes,” Jensen moans at the smell.
“None for you yet,” Donna Ackles scolds, before turning around, “oh, Jen...Danny, are you okay?” she asks, barely catching the “Jensen.”
“I'm fine, Ma,” Jensen assures her. “Why?”
“You just look like you've been crying,” his mother informs him.
Jensen turns and sees Jared coming downstairs into kitchen. “It's a long story, mom. I'll tell you later. Promise. It's nothing bad,” he amends at the end at her dubious look and brief glare shot at Jared.
“Hey Mrs. Cauthorn,” Jared greets with a grin that Jensen thinks looks just a bit more forced than usual. “Mmmm, something smells good.”
“Hello Jared,” Jensen's mother greets, her smile also a bit forced. “and I told you, call me Rebecca.”
“Alright, Rebecca,” Jared answers with a polite grin.
Jensen's mother looks over at Jensen him for a moment and says to Jared, “If you'll excuse us for a moment, I need to speak with Danny for a second.”
“Oh, go right ahead,” Jared replies, oblivious to Mrs. Ackles' sudden distrust of him.
Donna drags Jensen into the computer room/office, which is separate from the rest of the house and fairly private.
“Is he hurting you?” she asks Jensen as soon as the door closes.
W “What?” Jensen asks in shock. “Wha- no! How could you- Mom! No, I mean- Why would you think that?” Jensen finally manages to get out.
“Well let's see,” she starts. “he heads upstairs for quite awhile longer than it should take to retrieve a toothbrush and brush his teeth, and when he finally does come down, it's not until after you do. When you come down, you've been crying and won't tell me what's happening because you turn around and see your boyfriend coming up behind you. What conclusion was I supposed to come to?”
“That you didn't know what was going on and that you should just wait for me to explain what happened?” Jensen suggests.
“Then explain.”
Jensen takes a deep breath. “Well, I woke up and went ahead and took a shower, but when I got out, I realized I'd forgotten my clothes so I grabbed my towel and ran into the bedroom, thinking everyone was downstairs, but Jared was in there looking for a toothbrush, I guess. Anyways, I ran in and he saw all my scars and freaked out. I told him I couldn't tell him what the scars were from and basically had a breakdown when I realized he'd seen me.”
“Oh, sweetie,” his mother starts, “that's great though!”
“Great?” Jensen repeats. “How the hell is that great?”
“It means he doesn't care,” his mother explains. “Maybe now you'll see no one that really loves you cares about your scars.”
Jensen nods and thinks about his mother's statement. It makes sense, but Jensen still can't quite get it to click, to completely sink in.
Jensen follows his mother back into the kitchen a few moments after, and sees Jared sitting at the kitchen table with a huge smile across his face.
“Merry Christmas Eve, Dan,” he greets with a smile. Jensen had almost forgot...
***
Later, just before dinner time, Josh (AKA “Adam”) and his girlfriend show up.
“Jared,” Jensen starts to introduce, “this is my brother, Adam. Adam, this is my, uh, boyfriend, Jared.”
“Nice to meet you Jare,” Josh says with a smile, already shortening Jared's name, and shakes Jared's hand. Jensen is a bit surprised at the easiness in which Josh accepted his sexuality, but figures he shouldn't be. Everyone else seemed to already know he's s gay.
“Oh, everyone, this is my girlfriend, Marie. Marie, everyone.”
They all wave to Marie and sit down for a nice Christmas Eve dinner.
Josh lives out of town, so he ends up staying the night also, and, much the Mac's annoyance, taking her room while she had to sleep on the couch.
“You'd better not have sex on my bed!” she'd yelled when she'd found out and got a strict admonishment from their mother.
As Jensen and Jared lie in bed that night, Jared shoots up.
“Shit!” he curses.
“What?” Jensen asks, sleepy and annoyed that he's no longer surrounded by nice, strong arms.
“I didn't get anyone presents!”
“No one got you presents either. Go to sleep,” Jensen commands.
“Well then, bossy pants.”
“Ugh!” Jensen groans, rolling over and covering his head with a pillow.
***
Christmas Day comes and everyone wakes up and immediately begins ripping into presents. Jared, true to Jensen's prediction, only has a couple under the tree, but he really doesn't seem to mind. Probably makes him feel better about not getting anyone else anything either.
The rest of the day is spent between cooking, watching Christmas specials (to which Jensen is mortified when he learns Jared has never seen A Wonderful Life and forces the entire family to sit and watch it despite most everyone's ability to quote it from memory) and outside having snowball fights.
Christmas dinner is wonderful and Jared says that he feels like he's going to burst by the end.
Everyone actually ends up turning in fairly early and Jensen and Jared both go to sleep thinking that it it's one of their best Christmases.
***
Jensen had made sure to schedule an early flight back home, knowing that by December 26th, he's going to be sick of his family. And he's right.
The flight back is almost as bad as the flight in and Jensen can't be any happier when they land.
Jensen and Jared share a kiss outside Jensen's dorm and reluctantly part ways, only to start texting once the door is closed.
Yeah, Jensen can easily say, that was without a doubt the best Christmas ever.
Chapter 6: http://nympha-fluminis.livejournal.com/5621.html
Jensen's POV
Jensen wakes up to find that Jared's comforting presence behind him is gone. Well, I guess that's it. He
He realized how fucked up I am and left.
Jensen remembers waking up from a nightmare screaming bloody murder, but not much after that. He remembers the nightmare much more clearly. Well, it was more of a memory than a nightmare, but same difference. He figures it must have scared Jared off.
He actually manages to be surprised when he hears Jared's boisterous laugh from downstairs in response to something his mother or Mac no doubt said, then realizes that Jared wouldn't have left in the middle of the night. He's too polite.
Jensen decides to go ahead and shower before going downstairs so he can go ahead and get ready for the day. He quickly crosses the hallway into the bathroom, which now belongs to Mackenzie and hops in the shower.
He stands under the burning hot water even while telling himself not to use all the hot water because there are four other people in the house. When he finally does get out, though, he realizes that while he has a towel he left his clothes in the bedroom.
Shit.
He's glad he can't see himself in the fogged up mirror, because he knows if he could, there's no way he'd be able to drag his ugly ass scarred up body out of the nice, safe, locked bathroom. He does though with the mantra that Jared is downstairs and the rest of his family knows about his scars.
He ties his towel around his waist and makes a mad dash for his childhood bedroom (well, from ages 15-18, but still. His old room) and opens the door without knocking and walks in to find Jared rummaging through a bag.
Before Jensen can run away and lock himself back in the bathroom, Jared looks up at Jensen. The smile he was wearing on his face seconds before vanished.
“Oh, hey Jared,” Jensen says nervously, hoping that his voice comes off as somewhat cool. It doesn't. “What are you doing here?”
“Getting my toothbrush,” Jared replies, lifting the object up and staring right at Jensen with no amusement in his eyes and probably the least friendly expression he'd ever seen on his face.
“Oh, toothbrush. That's... good. Dental hygiene is good,” Jensen says stupidly. Yep, Jenny, if your nightmare last night didn't drive him away, this sure as hell will.
“Cut the crap, Dan,” Jared snaps. Jensen jumps at the angry tone of the voice, but he's hardly surprised.
Jensen supposes his boyfriend had every right to be angry. Jensen knew when the relationship started that it could never grow really, but he'd kept dragging Jared along. He knows he's hideous that he'll never be able to please Jared the way he should. They'll never be able to have sex because who could sleep with someone like him, let alone love him?
Jensen stars shaking and crying, and he misses Jared jumping off the bed towards him.
“Shit,” Jared curses softly. “Shit, Dan, I'm sorry. I didn't- I mean,” he stumbles. Jared pulls Jensen further into the room being exceedingly gentle, more gentle than Jensen deserves, and closes the door behind him.
Jared leads Jensen over to the bed and helps him all the while Jensen is still crying and shaking. Jared just holds Jensen for awhile and Jensen can't help but notice just how much bigger Jared really is than him, but not in a scary, overwhelming way.
“Shh, Dan,” Jared whispers quietly in his ear while rocking him back and forth. 'Jensen!' Jensen desperately wants to scream. 'My name is Jensen!” Only, he knows he can never . He would kill to be able to go by his real name again. To hear Jared say “Jensen” like he says “Danny,” but he knows that Jared only signed up to deal with “Danny, the quirky college student who only wears long clothes” not “Jensen the emotionally disturbed and broken weakling” he's rocking.
Jensen finally manages to calm himself down, and Jared finally asks, “Do you want to explain-?” gesturing up and down at Jensen's body.
“No,” says Jensen, with his head laying on Jared's shoulder.
“No?” Jared repeats, sounding shocked. “Because, not to be rude or judging or whatever, you are covered head to toe in deliberate scars and freaked out when I saw them and seem to have these intense nightmares. I'm worried, Dan. Please let me help you.”
“I-I can't,” Jensen responds quietly. “I'd like to, but I can't tell you why. I know it really, really sucks and I wish I could, but it's not just my secret. Plus, I mean, if you're not going to stay with me, it's not like telling you would do anything.”
“Danny,” Jared starts with a confused not in his voice, “why do you think I'm leaving you? Do you want me to leave?”
“No! God no!” Jensen shouts, “I just- I mean, why would you want to stay with me? I'm, well, look at me! I'm disgusting and fucked up and an emotional mess! I wouldn't stay with me.”
“Danny, you're not disgusting. Not disgusting at all. I think you're just as beautiful as before. Hell, maybe more so. Just looking at you, I'm not going to lie, it's obvious something very bad happened to you and the fact that you survived makes you so damn strong,” Jared explains.
“So... you're staying?” Jensen asks hopefully.
“Babe, I'm not leaving you,” Jared sings in a bad Robert Plant imitation. Jensen laughs lightly at the Led Zeppelin reference and leans his head on Jared's shoulder.
“So,” Jared starts after they sit in comfortable silence for awhile, “this is why you always wear long sleeves?” He gently traces over the scars on the underside of Jensen's forearm and it sends a shiver up Jensen's spine.
“Yep,” he answers simply.
They sit for awhile longer when Jared finally says, “As much as I really, and I mean really, hate to, break this up, your mom's probably waiting on us.”
Jensen sighs in annoyance. He'd been enjoying his nice comfy boyfriend. He gets up though because he realizes that Jared's right and he's still only wearing a towel. He quickly throw on a pair of jeans, socks, and a sweater. Then, he notices what Jared is wearing...
“Dude, you're wearing a red Christmas sweater with reindeer on it,” Jensen points out in shock.
Jared looks down at his ostentatious red sweater and sarcastically says, “Yes. Thank you for telling me, Dan.”
“The reindeer have bells that jingle when you move,” Jensen continues, seemingly not having noticed Jared's previous comment.
“Again, yes. Bells generally jingle when they move.”
“I'm dating a guy that wears red reindeer sweaters with jingle bells.”
“Well, we are a gay couple...”
Jensen just looks up in annoyance at Jared, and shakes his head as he hops off the bed and on out the door.
“Hey, mom,” he says as he walks into the kitchen where her and his father were preparing breakfast. “Mmm, pancakes,” Jensen moans at the smell.
“None for you yet,” Donna Ackles scolds, before turning around, “oh, Jen...Danny, are you okay?” she asks, barely catching the “Jensen.”
“I'm fine, Ma,” Jensen assures her. “Why?”
“You just look like you've been crying,” his mother informs him.
Jensen turns and sees Jared coming downstairs into kitchen. “It's a long story, mom. I'll tell you later. Promise. It's nothing bad,” he amends at the end at her dubious look and brief glare shot at Jared.
“Hey Mrs. Cauthorn,” Jared greets with a grin that Jensen thinks looks just a bit more forced than usual. “Mmmm, something smells good.”
“Hello Jared,” Jensen's mother greets, her smile also a bit forced. “and I told you, call me Rebecca.”
“Alright, Rebecca,” Jared answers with a polite grin.
Jensen's mother looks over at Jensen him for a moment and says to Jared, “If you'll excuse us for a moment, I need to speak with Danny for a second.”
“Oh, go right ahead,” Jared replies, oblivious to Mrs. Ackles' sudden distrust of him.
Donna drags Jensen into the computer room/office, which is separate from the rest of the house and fairly private.
“Is he hurting you?” she asks Jensen as soon as the door closes.
W “What?” Jensen asks in shock. “Wha- no! How could you- Mom! No, I mean- Why would you think that?” Jensen finally manages to get out.
“Well let's see,” she starts. “he heads upstairs for quite awhile longer than it should take to retrieve a toothbrush and brush his teeth, and when he finally does come down, it's not until after you do. When you come down, you've been crying and won't tell me what's happening because you turn around and see your boyfriend coming up behind you. What conclusion was I supposed to come to?”
“That you didn't know what was going on and that you should just wait for me to explain what happened?” Jensen suggests.
“Then explain.”
Jensen takes a deep breath. “Well, I woke up and went ahead and took a shower, but when I got out, I realized I'd forgotten my clothes so I grabbed my towel and ran into the bedroom, thinking everyone was downstairs, but Jared was in there looking for a toothbrush, I guess. Anyways, I ran in and he saw all my scars and freaked out. I told him I couldn't tell him what the scars were from and basically had a breakdown when I realized he'd seen me.”
“Oh, sweetie,” his mother starts, “that's great though!”
“Great?” Jensen repeats. “How the hell is that great?”
“It means he doesn't care,” his mother explains. “Maybe now you'll see no one that really loves you cares about your scars.”
Jensen nods and thinks about his mother's statement. It makes sense, but Jensen still can't quite get it to click, to completely sink in.
Jensen follows his mother back into the kitchen a few moments after, and sees Jared sitting at the kitchen table with a huge smile across his face.
“Merry Christmas Eve, Dan,” he greets with a smile. Jensen had almost forgot...
***
Later, just before dinner time, Josh (AKA “Adam”) and his girlfriend show up.
“Jared,” Jensen starts to introduce, “this is my brother, Adam. Adam, this is my, uh, boyfriend, Jared.”
“Nice to meet you Jare,” Josh says with a smile, already shortening Jared's name, and shakes Jared's hand. Jensen is a bit surprised at the easiness in which Josh accepted his sexuality, but figures he shouldn't be. Everyone else seemed to already know he's s gay.
“Oh, everyone, this is my girlfriend, Marie. Marie, everyone.”
They all wave to Marie and sit down for a nice Christmas Eve dinner.
Josh lives out of town, so he ends up staying the night also, and, much the Mac's annoyance, taking her room while she had to sleep on the couch.
“You'd better not have sex on my bed!” she'd yelled when she'd found out and got a strict admonishment from their mother.
As Jensen and Jared lie in bed that night, Jared shoots up.
“Shit!” he curses.
“What?” Jensen asks, sleepy and annoyed that he's no longer surrounded by nice, strong arms.
“I didn't get anyone presents!”
“No one got you presents either. Go to sleep,” Jensen commands.
“Well then, bossy pants.”
“Ugh!” Jensen groans, rolling over and covering his head with a pillow.
***
Christmas Day comes and everyone wakes up and immediately begins ripping into presents. Jared, true to Jensen's prediction, only has a couple under the tree, but he really doesn't seem to mind. Probably makes him feel better about not getting anyone else anything either.
The rest of the day is spent between cooking, watching Christmas specials (to which Jensen is mortified when he learns Jared has never seen A Wonderful Life and forces the entire family to sit and watch it despite most everyone's ability to quote it from memory) and outside having snowball fights.
Christmas dinner is wonderful and Jared says that he feels like he's going to burst by the end.
Everyone actually ends up turning in fairly early and Jensen and Jared both go to sleep thinking that it it's one of their best Christmases.
***
Jensen had made sure to schedule an early flight back home, knowing that by December 26th, he's going to be sick of his family. And he's right.
The flight back is almost as bad as the flight in and Jensen can't be any happier when they land.
Jensen and Jared share a kiss outside Jensen's dorm and reluctantly part ways, only to start texting once the door is closed.
Yeah, Jensen can easily say, that was without a doubt the best Christmas ever.
Chapter 6: http://nympha-fluminis.livejournal.com/5621.html