Journal Entry- April 5th, 2000- 2:00pm
They won’t leave me alone. I keep running, and running -and I still have nightmare after nightmare. Why am I remembering it!!!!! Why can I not forget!………………………………………………….I thought I had…. Why is it coming back to me?
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I don’t know what to do. I don’t…. I’m so afraid…. I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to think about it. Gods, why can’t I just forget it! Everyone makes mistakes, right? Everyone. I’m not perfect…but I’ve tried to make up for it… I’ve tried to do good… I’ve done good things with myself- more than enough to make up for it. Or is it enough? Is anything ever enough to redeem ourselves!? Haven’t I proven with my own life that I’ve redeemed myself!?! Or have I not paid enough… what more am I suppose to do! What am I suppose to do!
I have to stop this… I have to- there’s too much to do, I can’t just sit here and cry away the pain. That’d take weeks…months… god damn it- it’s been fucking eleven years! This is enough!!! Eleven years of heartbreak and pain…. Eleven years should have paid my fucking dues! GODS!
I need…. I need to get out of here… I slept enough…. Gods I won’t sleep again. No…no I just need to get out…get away. But- where to go? Who to see?
No- no one… I’ve got work to do… work…..yes…. work will always be there- it always has been. But- But I’m suppose to take a sick day. Well.. I think I look pretty sick…. Besides… I forgot to check the schedule, and then…. I could manage a trip to St. Mungo’s… for Ginny… see if they tell me anything…. See if I can sneak around there.
NO! God damnit no! No changes.. no…. no….. no sneaking…. No. I’ll just go in and browse around, talk to a few people… no- no tricks….no tricks.
I’ve got to contact June… and Remus… and Ginny and Harry… and FuCk! I can’t….not today… no… I am a fucking mess. What of tomorrow? I bet I won’t look a pretty sight if I don’t sleep tonight. No- no I can’t sleep…. I want to… but I know I can’t. I won’t be able to… I’m too afraid.
GODS! I’ve got to do something!!!! I’ll go to work- check the schedule, pick up the files… and then…..and then…. St. Mungos’…right. Then after that…… fuck if I know.