. metamorphosis .............................
I have done so much hard work in the past year or so to get myself out of the muck I've put myself in. There's alot I regret, there was also alot of good intensions - but as they say: "The road to Hell is paved with good intensions." But that affected me in such a way that it turned me into someone I was not, nor was I proud of. I've done alot of work to erase that ugly person. I've fought tooth and nail to return to that person I once was. I owe that to myself, my future and those that are to be in it. But not everything can go where I'm heading, nor is it necessarily welcome.
I have done some soul searching. In that, there was alot of work. It was very exhausting at times ... many times it was easier to allow that new behaviour to control me - and in THAT, all those influences: be they two very lost gay boys I despirately wanted to help or the vendictive friends/roommates that could not care enough to understand why I felt compelled to try to help - an then be enclosed in that circle of evil ... it was quite a feeding frenzy.
To be true to myself, I felt it necessary to relocate - part of a plan I started working on in the last few months I lived there. One - get a job (albeit, a crappy one but I had a reputuable out.
Along that fight to reawaken, I came to understand that bridges had to be burned. Some toxic one's were easy to end - the fresh wounds helped. But others, I held out as long as I could. I didn't want to let this one go.
But it was the most important one (since most of the crap I went through in the past five years this person was involved in somehow - directly and indirectly). Now, it's quite a heaviness that is gone and dead to me.
I know I've done my fair share of hurt. Some even fought it - I was taking their entertainment away. But I'm sick of abusive relationships....I have a list, some even have a few legal convictions. SO I'm not pulling this out of nowhere....I've got a "profile" of being the abused type.
But now, I'm doing what I've set out to do. Just know that I'm in a better place now. And that I am remembering me again. The one with dreams, goals ... ambition....the bright and talented soul that I once let people - under the guise of friend - tear down. I have to work hard yet ... there's a future I'm fighting for. And a gorgeous soul I'd like to share it with.
I have done some soul searching. In that, there was alot of work. It was very exhausting at times ... many times it was easier to allow that new behaviour to control me - and in THAT, all those influences: be they two very lost gay boys I despirately wanted to help or the vendictive friends/roommates that could not care enough to understand why I felt compelled to try to help - an then be enclosed in that circle of evil ... it was quite a feeding frenzy.
To be true to myself, I felt it necessary to relocate - part of a plan I started working on in the last few months I lived there. One - get a job (albeit, a crappy one but I had a reputuable out.
Along that fight to reawaken, I came to understand that bridges had to be burned. Some toxic one's were easy to end - the fresh wounds helped. But others, I held out as long as I could. I didn't want to let this one go.
But it was the most important one (since most of the crap I went through in the past five years this person was involved in somehow - directly and indirectly). Now, it's quite a heaviness that is gone and dead to me.
I know I've done my fair share of hurt. Some even fought it - I was taking their entertainment away. But I'm sick of abusive relationships....I have a list, some even have a few legal convictions. SO I'm not pulling this out of nowhere....I've got a "profile" of being the abused type.
But now, I'm doing what I've set out to do. Just know that I'm in a better place now. And that I am remembering me again. The one with dreams, goals ... ambition....the bright and talented soul that I once let people - under the guise of friend - tear down. I have to work hard yet ... there's a future I'm fighting for. And a gorgeous soul I'd like to share it with.