(FIC) Anniversary Blues
“Doojoon, do you really love me?” Kikwang mumbles as he looks left towards the empty side of their supposed to be shared bed.
It had been vacant and cold for a few hours now and Kikwang just couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep without his lover next to him, he needed to know everything was alright. He knew it was silly to be so insecure but he was and sadly he can’t seem to accept all of the things Doojoon does to reassure him of his love when after they make love he waits until Kikwang falls asleep and then departs from their bed.
He thought that they were alright, he thought their relationship could last, would last, even if they had to hide it but this, this was hell. The not knowing, the waiting. Everything. He didn’t know whether he was still loved or if it had diminished and he was too stupid and selfish to see it and let go.
Eleven days is how long this has been going on and each time he doesn’t know what to do so he does the only thing he can, the only thing he knows will tell his older boyfriend that he still loves him. He lies awake, sometimes staring at the ceiling, sometimes drumming to the beat playing in his heart, and sometimes even just staring at the photo on their bedside table, a photo that only radiated happiness and love, something he couldn’t feel anymore and yet still he’d lie here and wait for his lover’s return, wait for the slight creak of the door, the accidental squeak of the floorboards and the soft ‘ouch’ that never failed to amuse him when Doojoon kicked his toe on one of the corners of their bed.
And it was just like the other times. The creak of the door, then the small squeak of the floorboards and then a few seconds later the soft ‘ouch’ emitting from his lover’s lips before clothes were stripped off once more and he slid into the once vacant side of the bed.
Being so selfish and naïve, Kikwang opens his eyes from his façade of still being in slumber and turned over to look at his boyfriend with doe-like eyes glazed in a layer of unshed tears, almost waiting for the words that would make them stream down his cheeks. He see’s Doojoon’s face propped up on his elbow, his eyes shining in emotions that have been void of their relationship for almost eleven days. A soft smile is adorning his lips and Kikwang thinks that he might’ve fallen in love all over again.
“What’s the matter baby?” The words are whispered ever so softly, like he’s afraid by breaking the silence that the moment would vanish and they would be back to the square they are stuck in.
Long fingers reach out and brush away the small droplet beginning to slide down the younger’s cheeks.
“Y-You don’t want me anymore that’s why you leave me after we make love,” Kikwang chokes on the words as they become thick in his throat.
The words seem stupid to Doojoon, he doesn’t know how his baby could even begin to think like that. This boy in front of him was everything he has ever wanted and why he would even have the mere sliver of a thought that he didn’t want him anymore was absurd.
Doojoon loved him, didn’t his actions show that? Didn’t his frequent declarations of his love confirm that he loved Kikwang? Didn’t everything he was doing for the past eleven nights illustrate the deepness of his love, the seriousness?
“Where is this coming from?” Doojoon asks, his voice laced with so much confusion.
“I’m right aren’t I? You don’t love me anymore,” Kikwang slowly mumbles, more to himself than to the other as he starts backing away. “I-I’ll just go then.”
If Doojoon didn’t love him what right did he have to share a bed with him? He knew the answer. None. He wasn’t wanted and he should accept that fact even if it broke his heart.
Abruptly two arms wrapped around him and he was flipped on his back, the older hovering over him with a frown on his face causing small crease lines to form on his forehead.
“Are you really that stupid? I love you Lee Kikwang and no other person will ever change my feelings for you. Why do you think I’ve been leaving you every night for the past eleven nights? It’s not like I can go out during the daytime and shop for the things I need for our one year anniversary is it?” Doojoon confessed, irritation stirring in his voice slightly.
And now it all made sense. A hell of a lot of sense and the younger couldn’t feel like more of an idiot. He had been doubting his lover’s love for him when he was preparing something special for their one year anniversary, an anniversary he had thought Doojoon didn’t want to celebrate.
“I-I though-”
“I,” Doojoon interrupted the younger and placed a sweet kiss on Kikwang’s forhead, “Love,” He paused again, staring lovingly into the innocent eyes that were staring back at him with so much love before placing a chaste kiss to the top of his nose eliciting a girlish giggle. “You,” He whispered against the other’s lips before gently pressing them together.
It was soft and sweet, everything the two of them weren’t. And if Kikwang could ever describe what the most perfect moment in his life was, this would be it. To him there was nothing more perfect in the world than being here in this moment.
“Happy one year anniversary baby,” Doojoon whispered.
“Happy anniversary.”
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