Bittersweet Snowflakes (1/1)
Title: Bittersweet Snowflakes
Author: Nytel
Recipent: nika_dixon
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to 511
Pairing: Ronon/Keller
Genre: Friendship, (might also be considered a bit angsty)
Summary: Ronon and Jen find an alternative relationship.
Word Count: 2,250
Beta: ladylioness
Disclaimer: I am merely borrowing them. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: Written for the Winter Exchange, using the prompt 'Tobogganning and/or Snow'. I tried so hard to make this fluffy, but the muse just wasn't cooperating. (Sorry!) I'm hoping to possibly use a different prompt from the list to write a fluffy fic in the future. *crosses fingers*
Bittersweet Snowflakes
For a long time Ronon thought that he would never be able to get over Jen. Finding out his feelings were unrequited had been a crushing blow. He’d been on his own for so long. Then finally, after what seemed like an eternity of loneliness, Ronon had found someone worth opening up to. Jen was sweet, kind and endearing. She also had this absolutely captivating quality about her, the best part about it being that she didn’t know of its existence. To say that he’d been fascinated by her would be an understatement. He had also been in love with her.
Now, nearly a year later, it no longer hurt to think about. With each day that had passed, the pain lessened, up until Ronon fully accepted the truth. The truth was that although he had fallen in love with Jen, she hadn’t fallen in love with him back. As much as he wished that was different, there was nothing he could do to change it. He had shown her more of himself than he had shown anyone in years and she had decided that she didn’t want it.
It had taken him a long time to get the point where he realized that was all right. Just because Jen didn’t want him, didn’t mean that there wasn’t the possibility of someone else that would. The fact that he was even hoping for that other person’s existence spoke wonders.
Years ago, when he’d first arrived on Atlantis, he hadn’t even hoped to find happiness. He thought that after Sateda and his years as a runner all he had left was fighting in order to gain his revenge, one Wraith’s life at a time. Yet as time passed he slowly started to hope for happiness, and with even more time he was happy. He owed that to the people of the Atlantis expedition, but more specifically to the other members of his team.
However, even after he found happiness he hadn’t dared to wish for anything more. He thought that love would be impossible to attain. Then a girl from Chippewa Falls had walked into his life and turned it upside down. Although he hadn’t realized it while it was happening, Jen had changed him and made him a better man.
When she’d rejected him it had felt like the end of the world. But men were hardly constants in the universe-they were continually being altered, either by themselves or by external forces.
At some point after a very long time it was finally okay. Not great-Ronon didn’t think it would ever be great-but it was all right. Contrary to what he may have guessed, Jen’s rejection hadn’t undone the changes she’d caused within him. He still felt more human, more like a man, than he ever had since the Wraith attack on Sateda. Perhaps a large part of that was from experiencing lost love, perhaps not. Either way he was grateful for the change.
The only part of the entire experience that Ronon truly regretted was that he and Jen had been unable to keep their friendship. For a long time he’d been too mad and upset to want to try and she had been avoiding him. Later when he was no longer angry and had come to terms with what had happened, it seemed like too long of a time had passed. They saw each other on the odd mission, or when Ronon was injured, but they only ever talked within a work capacity.
For a long while Ronon let it stay that way, because he thought it was easier on both of them. But as of late he’d begun to think that he might have been wrong on that count.
A new Atlantis mission objective had Jen accompanying the team on more missions than normal. It hadn’t taken him very long to notice that she was uncomfortable spending increased time with the team. He knew that some part of it could be due to her breakup with McKay. (The scientist had been stupid enough to end things with her nearly two months ago.) Though on the other hand, as far as Ronon knew the two of them were still on good terms. That led him to suspect that most of her uneasiness, if not all, was caused by his presence.
It made him wonder if she was beating herself up over what had happened, even after so much time had passed. He hoped that wasn’t the case, but he also knew Jen and it was likely that his guess was correct. In that event it was something that he needed to fix as soon as possible.
***
During the next morning meeting Mr. Woolsey asked for a volunteer; someone who would be willing to accompany Dr. Keller on her next off world medical visit to one of Atlantis’ trading partners. Ronon had offered himself up before the words had even registered with the other members of his team.
Teyla hadn’t seemed surprised, though John had raised an eyebrow in silent question and Rodney had sent him a glare. To be truthful, Ronon could care less about what McKay thought. It wasn’t even like he was going to try again to win Jen’s affections; he just wanted to set right what was wrong.
When Ronon met Jen at the Gate later that day she didn’t seem surprised to see him and Ronon knew that someone must have given her a heads up. It had likely been Teyla; it seemed like something the Athosian would do.
“Hi,” he said quietly as he walked up next to her, and stopped, waiting for the technician to dial the Gate.
“Hi,” she replied just as quietly, not quite meeting his gaze.
“Ready to go give a bunch of people some needles?” He asked, trying to lighten the mood.
Jen looked at him, unsure for a moment, before smiling tentatively.
He smiled back.
The Gate finished dialing and the wormhole engaged. Ronon headed through first, his hand poised over the holster of his gun, just in case. When he exited onto the surface of their destination planet he found himself ankle deep in snow, not that he was entirely surprised.
Jen stepped through the Gate a few seconds after him and he could tell the weather hadn’t caught her off guard either. Maybe having the scientists give them climate descriptions for each planet before they traveled was handy after all…
***
They made it to the village in a fairly short amount of time and Jen had finished vaccinating her patients in even less. The village elders offered them a place at the dinner table, but they politely declined, stating that they were needed back on Atlantis as soon as possible.
By the time they were headed back more snow had started to fall, adding to the existing layer of fluffy material on the ground. Although the setting was serene and the landscape beautiful, all Ronon noticed was the tension in the air.
The walk to the village had been mostly silent, and the walk back was turning out to be the same. Every now and then Ronon would try and strike up a conversation. Jen would always reply to what he said, but she would use the minimal amount of words possible and he knew she didn’t really want to talk to him. More accurately, he got the feeling that she wanted to talk to him, but that she just wasn’t sure how she should act around him anymore. In a way he understood that, and in another way he just wanted them to sort this out.
When they’d made it half way back to the Gate with zero conversation Ronon decided it was time to take his efforts a step further.
“I’m not mad at you,” he told Jen bluntly, causing her to stop in her tracks. He stopped walking too, and turned to look at her. “It’s okay that you chose McKay.”
He could hear her gulp nervously. “Ronon, I…” She sighed. He could see that she was struggling between not wanting to have this conversation and wanting to get something off her chest. Several seconds passed before she continued. “I’m sorry. I know I must have hurt you. I know that I led you on, and I shouldn’t have, but I just…”
“It’s okay,” he told her reassuringly.
“How can you say that?” She asked, her voice turning anxious. “I must have hurt you. If someone had done something like that to me, I would hate them and I would end up hating myself.”
Ronon sighed. “I tried to hate you,” he told her honestly. “But I couldn’t. And I was hurt, but I’m okay now.” Jen looked like she was in pain just from hearing him talk. “Don’t you people from Earth have some saying about time and healing?”
Jen choked out a laugh. “Yeah, we do.” She looked at him closely for a few seconds as if she was trying to read him like she would one of her medical charts. “Are you really okay?”
He nodded and gave her a small smile. “Yeah.”
She smiled back at him. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that.”
“Hey,” Ronon said softly. “I know the whole thing was messy. But don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“But I-”
Ronon cut her off. “But nothing. I forgive you.”
For a few moments she looked like she was about to try arguing with him, but something gave way and he could see in her face the moment she relented. “Okay,” she said, her voice just loud enough to carry to his ears. “Thank you.”
Just then he noticed Jen shiver and he looked in the direction of the Gate. “We should probably keep walking,” he suggested.
Jen nodded and headed down the trail again, with Ronon falling into step beside her. “I haven’t seen this much snow in a while,” she stated conversationally and Ronon smiled He would have had to be completely dense to miss the shift that had just occurred between them, a shift towards the better.
He took a good look at the surrounding trees, which were now blanketed with alabaster flakes. “I’ve never seen this much snow.”
Jen glanced sideways at him. “Never?”
He shook his head. “Sateda only got snow a few times a year and it never stayed on the ground for more than a day.” He looked at Jen. “Does Chippewa Falls get a lot of snow?”
Jen smiled. “Yeah, it can. We had almost three times this much last Christmas. My cousins’ kids love it.”
“They love the snow?” Ronon questioned, not sure why children would find it enjoyable. Adults might appreciate how it looked, but kids?
“Of course,” Jen said enthusiastically. “It keeps them busy for hours.”
“It does?”
Jen smiled. “They get to build snowmen, and make snow angels, and…”
“Hold on,” Ronon said, interrupting her. “Snow… men?”
Jen giggled and Ronon realized it was a sound he’d missed hearing for a very long time. She nodded. “Yeah, snowmen.”
Then she went on to explain to him what a snowman was and how to make snow angels. She described to him plenty of snowball fights she’d participated in when she was younger, but what he found most interesting was this thing called tobogganing.
“So you slide down a hill that’s covered in snow?” He asked for clarification.
Jen nodded, not having stopped smiling since the start of their conversation. “You can buy toboggans at the store. Some are made of wood; others are plastic. You can even get ones that are like little vehicles, with a wheel on them and everything. But the best toboggan is a greased baking sheet.”
“Huh?”
“I used to use the pan that my mom baked cookies on, it was huge. I would rub the bottom of it all over with butter to make it go faster. When I got to the hill I would walk back from the edge a few feet and then run until the top the hill. I’d fling myself down onto the baking sheet and slide all the way to the bottom.”
Ronon laughed as he tried to picture the scene in his mind. “Sound dangerous,” he joked.
Jen laughed. “No, it’s a lot of fun. You should try it.”
Ronon looked at her. “Not sure I’ll get the chance.”
“Well…” Jen said, her smile disappearing at the same time the tone of her voice turned hesitant. “Maybe on our next day off we could get everyone together and come back here to try it out.”
Ronon was surprised by her invitation, but he found himself smiling and nodding. “I’d like that,” he said truthfully.
Jen grinned back at him. “So would I,” she responded sincerely.
The rest of the walk back to the Gate passed in hardly any time at all. When they arrived Ronon looked at Jen standing beside him, a layer of snowflakes covering the top of her head, and he couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy.
It seemed like he and Jen had found a pleasant medium, one that fit them comfortably. It hadn’t been what he’d been hoping for originally, so long ago when he’d just been getting to know Jen. But the important thing was that it worked and they were both happy; it was all he could ask for.
The End