Well
This is mostly a lot of emo bullshit. I'm fully aware that all of this is self-focused, whiny, and self-pitying. You can skip over if you'd like.
I'm doing better than I was yesterday. I'm still not necessarily 'happy' but I'm pretty much at that apathetic point. Mostly I can't wait for Christmas. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the stress and being so unsure of myself and what I'm capable of. I feel like an incompetent, and I know no one at works respects me or thinks I'm capable at all of my job.
My supervisor was a total ass to me today and pretty much babysat me. I'm perfectly capable. When I tried to explain and show my reasoning he told me to "calm down." I hate that. I hate it so fucking much. Do not. Tell me. To calm down. THAT is what gets me upset and makes me not calm anymore. God, it drives me fucking nuts when people say that to me. Its so fucking rude.
Anyway, yeah.
Mostly I've just had a lot to do, and I've been feeling less and less like a competent human being. I keep missing parts of my assignments for one teacher, another teacher thinks I'm fucking retarded, when I'm starting to suspect that she may be the one that's a freaking idiot. I don't even know what to think about any of this anymore. I want to quit it all, but I know that any major I pick will just get to this level of stress eventually. Sometimes shit just sucks.
I've never been this down before. Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. Today I just wanted to crawl in bed, skip all my classes and work, and just sleep. I've never had such a hard time getting rid of that kind of feeling before. Usually I can pick myself up pretty quickly and not have a problem.
It doesn't help that I've been spending all my money and yo-yo-ing with food. I keep eating everything then eating nothing. This just furthers my rather realistic prediction that I will be a lonely, fat spinster with too many cats.
I've also come to the conclusion that I can't deny my own stupidity anymore. I'm a moron. I'm the idiot everyone makes fun of in books and movies. I'm the one people make examples of to their children so that they'll keep going to school. I'm an idiot. That's probably why no one respects me or thinks I can do anything. I'm too stupid to do it myself. It explains why I sometimes feel like I know what I'm talking about, but everyone else is confused by me.
What's worse is that I know for a fact that I'm also the most obnoxious being in existence. I try not to be, I really do. I don't know how not to be myself. When I try to be like everyone else, they think I'm being a spazz or being even more annoying than I was before. I don't know how to not be obnoxious, and I don't know how to be normal like everyone else. I keep trying and I keep failing miserably. Its frustrating to know that I'm the kind of person even I wouldn't want to hang out with, and yet I feel powerless to actually do anything about it. I've tried and failed. What do I do now? Keep driving people more crazy than usual?
I've also come to the conclusion that I'm completely unlovable. Its no fucking wonder I can't get a boyfriend. I weird guys out and annoy the shit out of them. I'm flaky and moody and snippy. I can't get myself to really touch anyone and feel unbelievably uncomfortable when others touch me. Oi.
I'm tired of being me. Can I be someone else now?
I'm doing better than I was yesterday. I'm still not necessarily 'happy' but I'm pretty much at that apathetic point. Mostly I can't wait for Christmas. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of the stress and being so unsure of myself and what I'm capable of. I feel like an incompetent, and I know no one at works respects me or thinks I'm capable at all of my job.
My supervisor was a total ass to me today and pretty much babysat me. I'm perfectly capable. When I tried to explain and show my reasoning he told me to "calm down." I hate that. I hate it so fucking much. Do not. Tell me. To calm down. THAT is what gets me upset and makes me not calm anymore. God, it drives me fucking nuts when people say that to me. Its so fucking rude.
Anyway, yeah.
Mostly I've just had a lot to do, and I've been feeling less and less like a competent human being. I keep missing parts of my assignments for one teacher, another teacher thinks I'm fucking retarded, when I'm starting to suspect that she may be the one that's a freaking idiot. I don't even know what to think about any of this anymore. I want to quit it all, but I know that any major I pick will just get to this level of stress eventually. Sometimes shit just sucks.
I've never been this down before. Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. Today I just wanted to crawl in bed, skip all my classes and work, and just sleep. I've never had such a hard time getting rid of that kind of feeling before. Usually I can pick myself up pretty quickly and not have a problem.
It doesn't help that I've been spending all my money and yo-yo-ing with food. I keep eating everything then eating nothing. This just furthers my rather realistic prediction that I will be a lonely, fat spinster with too many cats.
I've also come to the conclusion that I can't deny my own stupidity anymore. I'm a moron. I'm the idiot everyone makes fun of in books and movies. I'm the one people make examples of to their children so that they'll keep going to school. I'm an idiot. That's probably why no one respects me or thinks I can do anything. I'm too stupid to do it myself. It explains why I sometimes feel like I know what I'm talking about, but everyone else is confused by me.
What's worse is that I know for a fact that I'm also the most obnoxious being in existence. I try not to be, I really do. I don't know how not to be myself. When I try to be like everyone else, they think I'm being a spazz or being even more annoying than I was before. I don't know how to not be obnoxious, and I don't know how to be normal like everyone else. I keep trying and I keep failing miserably. Its frustrating to know that I'm the kind of person even I wouldn't want to hang out with, and yet I feel powerless to actually do anything about it. I've tried and failed. What do I do now? Keep driving people more crazy than usual?
I've also come to the conclusion that I'm completely unlovable. Its no fucking wonder I can't get a boyfriend. I weird guys out and annoy the shit out of them. I'm flaky and moody and snippy. I can't get myself to really touch anyone and feel unbelievably uncomfortable when others touch me. Oi.
I'm tired of being me. Can I be someone else now?