(no subject)
I... I hate contemplation. I hate it. Lately my brain has been abuzz with thoughts and questions. Lots of questions. Endless questions.
Questions I have no answers to.
Am I weak or am I a good friend? Am I opinionated or desperate to not appear to be following the crowd? Am I any other fanbrat or am I an individual? Am I straight? Frick, am I bi? I'm not a lesbian. Am I a lesbian? Do I want to do design or not? Am I good at it? Should I do it? Should I switch careers? What about all the work I've already put in? Am I good enough at anything? Am I a nobody?
Ugh.
Nicole picked a huge fight with me. It was a fight where she intentionally hurt me and treated me like shit. Mostly because I was there. By the end of it, I wasn't mad at her or anything. There were other circumstances... but... that's what freaking abuse victims say. Am I weak for not walking out immediately? Or am I a good friend for being understanding and sticking through the worst. Am I trying to define myself by ideals that I have about how friends treat each other. This makes me question who I am as a person. Am I a huge pushover? Do others think I am? What about my apparently obnoxious personality that pushes into everyone else's? Am I just overcompensating to cover my fear that I'm truly and unbelievably weak?
Then there's that other question. That big... oh-so-ugly question. Ugh. What the hell is my freakin' preference? I don't even know anymore! I have no idea. What's worse is that it keeps coming up. Specifically with my mother. My dad's always thought I was a lesbian. That's no different. But the thing is, I don't think I'm a lesbian. I.. don't think so? Shit. No, I really don't think I am. But, on the otherhand, I have a much stronger opinion of a relationship between women than I do between men and women. But I can really technically say I'm attracted to men, either. Sexually, I've only ever been truly attracted to one or two men. Mentally, I'm attracted to several women, sometimes sexually, but... that's for stuff that's meant to be sexualized anyway. Its supposed to turn on anyone with a pulse. Really, they did a study on it. I don't think I'm bi, because of said above reasons, I know I'm not asexual. Hell, that option's gone to the winds. I find men visually attractive, but its in an aesthetic sense. No one believes me. Its like when I say I like anthro art (art, note. Not porn) to be aesthetically beautiful. But at the end of the day I'm rarely attracted. Beyond physical, I find men annoying and even more so I find them baffling. I know you shouldn't worry about it, but jesus, it'd be good to know. Its better than wondering all the damn time. I'm confused!
Those are the big questions for me, believe it or not. I have plenty of "me and my career" questions, but those are being locked up in a tiny room for the rest of forever. Or at least until I figure out a way to justify changing careers after my parents purchased a 2,500-some-odd-dollar Mac. HAHAHA. No.
Questions I have no answers to.
Am I weak or am I a good friend? Am I opinionated or desperate to not appear to be following the crowd? Am I any other fanbrat or am I an individual? Am I straight? Frick, am I bi? I'm not a lesbian. Am I a lesbian? Do I want to do design or not? Am I good at it? Should I do it? Should I switch careers? What about all the work I've already put in? Am I good enough at anything? Am I a nobody?
Ugh.
Nicole picked a huge fight with me. It was a fight where she intentionally hurt me and treated me like shit. Mostly because I was there. By the end of it, I wasn't mad at her or anything. There were other circumstances... but... that's what freaking abuse victims say. Am I weak for not walking out immediately? Or am I a good friend for being understanding and sticking through the worst. Am I trying to define myself by ideals that I have about how friends treat each other. This makes me question who I am as a person. Am I a huge pushover? Do others think I am? What about my apparently obnoxious personality that pushes into everyone else's? Am I just overcompensating to cover my fear that I'm truly and unbelievably weak?
Then there's that other question. That big... oh-so-ugly question. Ugh. What the hell is my freakin' preference? I don't even know anymore! I have no idea. What's worse is that it keeps coming up. Specifically with my mother. My dad's always thought I was a lesbian. That's no different. But the thing is, I don't think I'm a lesbian. I.. don't think so? Shit. No, I really don't think I am. But, on the otherhand, I have a much stronger opinion of a relationship between women than I do between men and women. But I can really technically say I'm attracted to men, either. Sexually, I've only ever been truly attracted to one or two men. Mentally, I'm attracted to several women, sometimes sexually, but... that's for stuff that's meant to be sexualized anyway. Its supposed to turn on anyone with a pulse. Really, they did a study on it. I don't think I'm bi, because of said above reasons, I know I'm not asexual. Hell, that option's gone to the winds. I find men visually attractive, but its in an aesthetic sense. No one believes me. Its like when I say I like anthro art (art, note. Not porn) to be aesthetically beautiful. But at the end of the day I'm rarely attracted. Beyond physical, I find men annoying and even more so I find them baffling. I know you shouldn't worry about it, but jesus, it'd be good to know. Its better than wondering all the damn time. I'm confused!
Those are the big questions for me, believe it or not. I have plenty of "me and my career" questions, but those are being locked up in a tiny room for the rest of forever. Or at least until I figure out a way to justify changing careers after my parents purchased a 2,500-some-odd-dollar Mac. HAHAHA. No.