Restrained Flaws
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Yoosu
Genre: AU!Drama, Hurt, Comfort, Romance
Beta: paradigm_twist
[Y][FF] Summary: There's a breaking point to every persona. It may fight against itself but the outlook is altered and torn. Unwillingly there's a side that demands to be revealed to that special person despite his futile restraints.
***
There were a few times in the year when every little thing was not so easily brushed off or ignored, unable to get over the issues without a challenge. The want became a need to hide from everyone, to run away even from those who offered their kindness.
Yoochun hated this side of him because he'd often felt that eventually, someone will truly feel his wrath, one that he had fought too hard to control. He focused all his energy into the various scenarios that would play out if he were to ever act on them.
He should have avoided places that would provoke such possible hostility. But here he was. In public. In some lobby of a random building he had tried to find solace in. The bustling noise of the crowd was becoming an annoyance. But he also knew that if he had reached a more secluded area, the silence would be just as deafening; as torturous. Already the scenarios had begun to play in his mind, as he imagined the looks on people's faces when he would suddenly smash his fist through the window.
He exhaled deeply as he walked out of the building, back onto the streets as he tried his best to appear as composed as he could possibly be.
He clenched his hands, hoping he could somehow suppress the urges. Only a small voice within his mind urged him on repeatedly, to do whatever he felt like doing since it hardly mattered. It hardly needed to beg him to follow his impulses. He was already threading a thin line.
Just a few more days and he'd return to normal.
Just a few more days.
-
It was only the second day, and already he had to struggle to stay composed. He wished that staying home was an option, but sudden anger issues were hardly a medical emergency. Then again, maybe a violent tendency might actually suffice.
He was contemplating through different possibilities when he heard hurried footsteps behind him. He was more aware of it than usual due to his now heightened senses.
"Yoochun-ah!"
"Yes?" He asked, barely looking up at his cheerful companion. His too cheerful companion.
"Want to go eat lunch?" Junsu asked, barely giving Yoochun any time to reject his offer as he continued. "We're going with the other interns-"
He tuned out the latter part of the question. He knew that usually he wouldn't have mind, in fact, his usual self might have been overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with the person who asked.
Except lunch with Junsu might be enough to break his control. Adding a bunch of interns that annoyed him relentlessly with his already unstable state of mind and he might just kill them.
Yoochun shook his head, fearful that saying no might just come off much harsher than he intended.
Junsu gave him a slanted look and walked just a little ahead of him. "Are you alright?"
The all dreaded question that no one truly wanted an answer to. Why couldn't everyone just understand without asking?
He composed himself with as much as he could. "I'm fine."
The same lie that everyone used. He counted himself lucky that Junsu seemed to accept it, albeit reluctantly. Maybe he sensed the dangerous aura that radiated from him.
He didn't know how to give him a hint without coming off as completely condescending and rude. He hoped that somehow, Junsu would realize that something was off with him, without having to utter a single word.
-
By the third day, he had hoped for some relief. Once his anger had reached emotional sympathy, it tends to lead to his eventual recovery.
The only thing was that now he had returned full throttle back into rage, provoked by the flirtatious intern who was talking a little too intimately with Junsu, laughing playfully and engaging in their energetic conversation.
He had to resist strongly from smashing his fist into the intern's face.
Though this wasn't the first time, he had often felt this hostility aimed towards the same intern. Only now, he was dangerously close to doing something he would regret later. Though slashing the man's tires would hardly seem to be a potential crime.
He silently muttered a futile chant to himself. Phrases along the lines of 'don't kill anyone.' Or at least hold back from committing a felony. He knew that, under normal circumstances, he would have ignored the scene completely despite the tug felt in his chest.
That tug was rather violent now.
He hoped it wouldn't be much longer.
-
The fourth day.
He walked aimlessly along the empty corridors of the building, secluded and isolated by nature, benefiting him for the most part. He was now safe. Maybe if he actually committed a crime, he wouldn't be caught at least.
"What are you doing here?"
Yoochun narrowed his eyes; truly hating the luck that had ran short on him frequently in these times of need. He barely turned around as he glanced at Junsu's expectant eyes, obviously waiting for some sort of explanation.
He did his best to refrain from listening to the demanding voice. Only now, it was much more difficult. "I just needed to cool off." He murmured quietly, suddenly imagining himself being ducked into a large lake of ice cold water.
"Why?" Junsu asked innocently. "Did someone make you mad?"
Why would he care?
He doesn't. The demanding voice taunted. He was only being polite, doing what he thought was best.
Yoochun clenched his fist. The idea that Junsu may be pretending to care wasn't what he needed at this moment.
He's not. The sensible voice spoke out, warning not to intimidate him further. Except, his question had provoked him. He couldn't help but actually give a proper answer.
"Plenty of people," He replied. "The interns are idiots. The boss is a self-absorbed prick. And we do all the work because he won't get off his lazy-"
He forced himself to stop. He had said much more than he had intended to.
Junsu widened his eyes just slightly, voicing his acknowledgment. "You don't like them."
"Of course I don't. Who does?" He scoffed. "Oh right. Maybe you, because you're the type that everyone fawns over. How endearing." He stared out of the window of the building, wondering if jumping out was feasible at this point. Not to die. But just to see how well he could attempt to land and escape.
Dangerous thoughts indeed.
Junsu shifted his weight uncomfortably. Yoochun gave a cynical smile. "Not liking me now? I doubt that you ever did. Do you still pity me? Feel sorry for me?" His smile dropped. "Get over yourself. Because honestly, you're not that special."
He was special. At least to him he was. Somehow the demanding voice knew this, but it wanted him to suffer. For some motive he wasn't aware of.
He wasn't sure why it berated him, but he was unable to stop the voice that continued to speak through his lips. He had finally reached his breaking point.
"Why do you keep looking at me?" Yoochun asked as he stepped towards him, his eyes darkening with each step. The voice had taken over completely, succeeded in silencing the sensible voice completely.
It had done enough. But it still wanted to spite him further.
"See something you don't like? Or do you hate it? Say it." He prompted. "Admit it."
Junsu blinked before clearly stating. "No."
Yoochun scoffed. "Why not? No one likes the real me anyway. They like that person I pretend to be. The quiet intern who keeps to himself, diligently completing all his work without complaint. Not knowing how often he insults them in his mind. Or how he actually hates the work that is continuously piled on him."
Junsu watched him as he circled around him, as if entrapping his prey.
The dominant voice continued to criticize him openly.
"On the inside he's a truly horrible person. But he dares not to show this side to anyone. Feeling insecure that everyone will notice this awful personality and turn away from him. He works so hard to hide behind this persona that everyone prefers. Despite his sufferings, he continues this facade, just so he could be liked. Such low self-esteem."
"That's not true." Junsu defended.
Yoochun tilted his head. "How so? Do you honestly think you know who I am better than say... Me?" He gestured.
Junsu shook his head. "No. But everyone is entitled to days where they rant, curse, and do anything they can to release that energy. No one is perfect after all. We all work hard to maintain who we are because we think no one will accept us for who we truly are."
Yoochun raised an eyebrow. "Then what about you? Are you secretly a vicious sociopath underneath all that blanket of sunshine?" He said sarcastically.
Junsu parted his lips to reply when Yoochun crept up behind him, reaching out as he encased him in his arms.
"I could hurt you right now." He warned. "I could probably take you down with me at this very moment. How would that feel to you? Do you think you would feel the same even then?"
He felt Junsu's heartbeat react. "Will you be fine afterward?"
Yoochun barked a laugh. "How selfless of you. To care so much about my well-being."
"I do care about your well-being." Junsu insisted.
Yoochun stayed silent as the voice contemplated his words. "Don't lie." Yoochun said.
"I'm not." Junsu asserted. "I've always cared."
"Even with every horrible flaw?" Yoochun asked lowly.
"No one's perfect." Junsu assured. "I still care about you even then."
The dominant voice wanted to smirk. It seemed pleased with the answer. But the sensible voice that had gradually strengthened was now ashamed of its actions. The dominant voice was not ashamed at all. But somehow he felt that it wanted to express himself fully, to reveal its own ugly side and ask if he could accept it.
Fortunately he seemed to. The voice was satisfied and loosened its hold on him. It was only now that the sensible voice began to take over him.
Yoochun slowly unwrapped his arms, pulling away as he took deep breaths. He needed to apologize for what he had done, for losing control and displaying this side. But he was unwilling to listen to the emotional side that continued to berate him despite what just happened.
Silence.
Both voices had listened to his simple request. Despite their differences, they made an alliance within him. Both were pleased with Junsu's words as they had always wanted to hear it. Both of them had always wanted this but dared not hope for it.
He wished he could run but he was depleted of all energy. The internal struggle had taken its toll on him and he was left exhausted. He collapsed onto the ground and leaned against the wall, finally able to stay calm as his mind remained blank, unsure of what to feel or say.
He was vaguely aware when Junsu had sat beside him. His senses were no longer heightened but were gradually returning to normal.
He barely glanced at him, parting his lips to say his simple apology. But it had required too much energy.
"It's fine." Junsu replied to his wordless apology, sitting daringly closer as he patted his head.
He repeated his reassurances despite his shame; his unwillingness to meet his eyes as he wallowed in self-pity. But Junsu continued to stay, and he took comfort in that kind gesture, still apprehensive that his voice will turn him away.
He could only hope it didn't, relieved temporarily that the breaking point had past. Even if it was only slightly.
-
It had been a week after his episode. By now he felt perfectly normal. Or at least sane for the most part. He was starting to feel embarrassed over his actions and hoped that no one around could remember his various hints. Strongly hoping that Junsu of all people would just somehow forget everything.
Unfortunately, his luck was never that good.
"You're feeling better?" Junsu whispered as he sat beside him, lifting half the pile of his work to his side. Yoochun blinked as he watched him sort through the papers, unsure of what to make of his gesture.
"I'm good now... I guess." Yoochun said timidly. He swallowed slightly, doing his best to voice out what he had wanted to say since that day. "I'm sorry you had to see that side of me."
Junsu shrugged. "It's fine. I can take a little verbal abuse every now and then."
He recalled having more of a physical approach, but luckily his dominant voice seemed to understand that, out of everyone, Junsu was untouchable. Verbally however, he didn't get off as easily. "Thank you." Yoochun said. "For this and for before." he added.
He looked out of the corner of his eye and saw Junsu's smile. He cleared his throat slightly.
"What do you think of going out for lunch later?" Junsu asked.
Yoochun cringed noticeably. Even now, the other interns still drove him to the brink of madness, just the nonviolent sort. He decided to be honest; he doubted that he could cause more damage. "I rather not. They... They drive me insane." He admitted. Junsu chuckled.
"I wasn't saying we should go with them." Junsu corrected. "I meant just us."
Yoochun looked at him, dumbfounded by his smile. "You do realize that I'm... This could happen again-"
"It could, and I'm willing to stay beside you if you need me. If you want me to be at least." Junsu interjected. "Like I said. I've always cared about you." His cheeks reddened just slightly at his proclamation. "That definitely wasn't a lie."
Yoochun was vaguely aware of the dominant voice that became more confident. The sensible voice could hardly argue against it as it was aware of the situation. He merely blinked as Junsu gestured to the papers.
"Lunch after we finish this?"
He nodded. Junsu smiled cheerfully as he returned to the work in front of them. He continued to eye him for the rest of the day, sometimes distracting himself from the actual task at hand.
Maybe his luck wasn't so bad after all.
Pairing: Yoosu
Genre: AU!Drama, Hurt, Comfort, Romance
Beta: paradigm_twist
[Y][FF] Summary: There's a breaking point to every persona. It may fight against itself but the outlook is altered and torn. Unwillingly there's a side that demands to be revealed to that special person despite his futile restraints.
***
There were a few times in the year when every little thing was not so easily brushed off or ignored, unable to get over the issues without a challenge. The want became a need to hide from everyone, to run away even from those who offered their kindness.
Yoochun hated this side of him because he'd often felt that eventually, someone will truly feel his wrath, one that he had fought too hard to control. He focused all his energy into the various scenarios that would play out if he were to ever act on them.
He should have avoided places that would provoke such possible hostility. But here he was. In public. In some lobby of a random building he had tried to find solace in. The bustling noise of the crowd was becoming an annoyance. But he also knew that if he had reached a more secluded area, the silence would be just as deafening; as torturous. Already the scenarios had begun to play in his mind, as he imagined the looks on people's faces when he would suddenly smash his fist through the window.
He exhaled deeply as he walked out of the building, back onto the streets as he tried his best to appear as composed as he could possibly be.
He clenched his hands, hoping he could somehow suppress the urges. Only a small voice within his mind urged him on repeatedly, to do whatever he felt like doing since it hardly mattered. It hardly needed to beg him to follow his impulses. He was already threading a thin line.
Just a few more days and he'd return to normal.
Just a few more days.
-
It was only the second day, and already he had to struggle to stay composed. He wished that staying home was an option, but sudden anger issues were hardly a medical emergency. Then again, maybe a violent tendency might actually suffice.
He was contemplating through different possibilities when he heard hurried footsteps behind him. He was more aware of it than usual due to his now heightened senses.
"Yoochun-ah!"
"Yes?" He asked, barely looking up at his cheerful companion. His too cheerful companion.
"Want to go eat lunch?" Junsu asked, barely giving Yoochun any time to reject his offer as he continued. "We're going with the other interns-"
He tuned out the latter part of the question. He knew that usually he wouldn't have mind, in fact, his usual self might have been overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with the person who asked.
Except lunch with Junsu might be enough to break his control. Adding a bunch of interns that annoyed him relentlessly with his already unstable state of mind and he might just kill them.
Yoochun shook his head, fearful that saying no might just come off much harsher than he intended.
Junsu gave him a slanted look and walked just a little ahead of him. "Are you alright?"
The all dreaded question that no one truly wanted an answer to. Why couldn't everyone just understand without asking?
He composed himself with as much as he could. "I'm fine."
The same lie that everyone used. He counted himself lucky that Junsu seemed to accept it, albeit reluctantly. Maybe he sensed the dangerous aura that radiated from him.
He didn't know how to give him a hint without coming off as completely condescending and rude. He hoped that somehow, Junsu would realize that something was off with him, without having to utter a single word.
-
By the third day, he had hoped for some relief. Once his anger had reached emotional sympathy, it tends to lead to his eventual recovery.
The only thing was that now he had returned full throttle back into rage, provoked by the flirtatious intern who was talking a little too intimately with Junsu, laughing playfully and engaging in their energetic conversation.
He had to resist strongly from smashing his fist into the intern's face.
Though this wasn't the first time, he had often felt this hostility aimed towards the same intern. Only now, he was dangerously close to doing something he would regret later. Though slashing the man's tires would hardly seem to be a potential crime.
He silently muttered a futile chant to himself. Phrases along the lines of 'don't kill anyone.' Or at least hold back from committing a felony. He knew that, under normal circumstances, he would have ignored the scene completely despite the tug felt in his chest.
That tug was rather violent now.
He hoped it wouldn't be much longer.
-
The fourth day.
He walked aimlessly along the empty corridors of the building, secluded and isolated by nature, benefiting him for the most part. He was now safe. Maybe if he actually committed a crime, he wouldn't be caught at least.
"What are you doing here?"
Yoochun narrowed his eyes; truly hating the luck that had ran short on him frequently in these times of need. He barely turned around as he glanced at Junsu's expectant eyes, obviously waiting for some sort of explanation.
He did his best to refrain from listening to the demanding voice. Only now, it was much more difficult. "I just needed to cool off." He murmured quietly, suddenly imagining himself being ducked into a large lake of ice cold water.
"Why?" Junsu asked innocently. "Did someone make you mad?"
Why would he care?
He doesn't. The demanding voice taunted. He was only being polite, doing what he thought was best.
Yoochun clenched his fist. The idea that Junsu may be pretending to care wasn't what he needed at this moment.
He's not. The sensible voice spoke out, warning not to intimidate him further. Except, his question had provoked him. He couldn't help but actually give a proper answer.
"Plenty of people," He replied. "The interns are idiots. The boss is a self-absorbed prick. And we do all the work because he won't get off his lazy-"
He forced himself to stop. He had said much more than he had intended to.
Junsu widened his eyes just slightly, voicing his acknowledgment. "You don't like them."
"Of course I don't. Who does?" He scoffed. "Oh right. Maybe you, because you're the type that everyone fawns over. How endearing." He stared out of the window of the building, wondering if jumping out was feasible at this point. Not to die. But just to see how well he could attempt to land and escape.
Dangerous thoughts indeed.
Junsu shifted his weight uncomfortably. Yoochun gave a cynical smile. "Not liking me now? I doubt that you ever did. Do you still pity me? Feel sorry for me?" His smile dropped. "Get over yourself. Because honestly, you're not that special."
He was special. At least to him he was. Somehow the demanding voice knew this, but it wanted him to suffer. For some motive he wasn't aware of.
He wasn't sure why it berated him, but he was unable to stop the voice that continued to speak through his lips. He had finally reached his breaking point.
"Why do you keep looking at me?" Yoochun asked as he stepped towards him, his eyes darkening with each step. The voice had taken over completely, succeeded in silencing the sensible voice completely.
It had done enough. But it still wanted to spite him further.
"See something you don't like? Or do you hate it? Say it." He prompted. "Admit it."
Junsu blinked before clearly stating. "No."
Yoochun scoffed. "Why not? No one likes the real me anyway. They like that person I pretend to be. The quiet intern who keeps to himself, diligently completing all his work without complaint. Not knowing how often he insults them in his mind. Or how he actually hates the work that is continuously piled on him."
Junsu watched him as he circled around him, as if entrapping his prey.
The dominant voice continued to criticize him openly.
"On the inside he's a truly horrible person. But he dares not to show this side to anyone. Feeling insecure that everyone will notice this awful personality and turn away from him. He works so hard to hide behind this persona that everyone prefers. Despite his sufferings, he continues this facade, just so he could be liked. Such low self-esteem."
"That's not true." Junsu defended.
Yoochun tilted his head. "How so? Do you honestly think you know who I am better than say... Me?" He gestured.
Junsu shook his head. "No. But everyone is entitled to days where they rant, curse, and do anything they can to release that energy. No one is perfect after all. We all work hard to maintain who we are because we think no one will accept us for who we truly are."
Yoochun raised an eyebrow. "Then what about you? Are you secretly a vicious sociopath underneath all that blanket of sunshine?" He said sarcastically.
Junsu parted his lips to reply when Yoochun crept up behind him, reaching out as he encased him in his arms.
"I could hurt you right now." He warned. "I could probably take you down with me at this very moment. How would that feel to you? Do you think you would feel the same even then?"
He felt Junsu's heartbeat react. "Will you be fine afterward?"
Yoochun barked a laugh. "How selfless of you. To care so much about my well-being."
"I do care about your well-being." Junsu insisted.
Yoochun stayed silent as the voice contemplated his words. "Don't lie." Yoochun said.
"I'm not." Junsu asserted. "I've always cared."
"Even with every horrible flaw?" Yoochun asked lowly.
"No one's perfect." Junsu assured. "I still care about you even then."
The dominant voice wanted to smirk. It seemed pleased with the answer. But the sensible voice that had gradually strengthened was now ashamed of its actions. The dominant voice was not ashamed at all. But somehow he felt that it wanted to express himself fully, to reveal its own ugly side and ask if he could accept it.
Fortunately he seemed to. The voice was satisfied and loosened its hold on him. It was only now that the sensible voice began to take over him.
Yoochun slowly unwrapped his arms, pulling away as he took deep breaths. He needed to apologize for what he had done, for losing control and displaying this side. But he was unwilling to listen to the emotional side that continued to berate him despite what just happened.
Silence.
Both voices had listened to his simple request. Despite their differences, they made an alliance within him. Both were pleased with Junsu's words as they had always wanted to hear it. Both of them had always wanted this but dared not hope for it.
He wished he could run but he was depleted of all energy. The internal struggle had taken its toll on him and he was left exhausted. He collapsed onto the ground and leaned against the wall, finally able to stay calm as his mind remained blank, unsure of what to feel or say.
He was vaguely aware when Junsu had sat beside him. His senses were no longer heightened but were gradually returning to normal.
He barely glanced at him, parting his lips to say his simple apology. But it had required too much energy.
"It's fine." Junsu replied to his wordless apology, sitting daringly closer as he patted his head.
He repeated his reassurances despite his shame; his unwillingness to meet his eyes as he wallowed in self-pity. But Junsu continued to stay, and he took comfort in that kind gesture, still apprehensive that his voice will turn him away.
He could only hope it didn't, relieved temporarily that the breaking point had past. Even if it was only slightly.
-
It had been a week after his episode. By now he felt perfectly normal. Or at least sane for the most part. He was starting to feel embarrassed over his actions and hoped that no one around could remember his various hints. Strongly hoping that Junsu of all people would just somehow forget everything.
Unfortunately, his luck was never that good.
"You're feeling better?" Junsu whispered as he sat beside him, lifting half the pile of his work to his side. Yoochun blinked as he watched him sort through the papers, unsure of what to make of his gesture.
"I'm good now... I guess." Yoochun said timidly. He swallowed slightly, doing his best to voice out what he had wanted to say since that day. "I'm sorry you had to see that side of me."
Junsu shrugged. "It's fine. I can take a little verbal abuse every now and then."
He recalled having more of a physical approach, but luckily his dominant voice seemed to understand that, out of everyone, Junsu was untouchable. Verbally however, he didn't get off as easily. "Thank you." Yoochun said. "For this and for before." he added.
He looked out of the corner of his eye and saw Junsu's smile. He cleared his throat slightly.
"What do you think of going out for lunch later?" Junsu asked.
Yoochun cringed noticeably. Even now, the other interns still drove him to the brink of madness, just the nonviolent sort. He decided to be honest; he doubted that he could cause more damage. "I rather not. They... They drive me insane." He admitted. Junsu chuckled.
"I wasn't saying we should go with them." Junsu corrected. "I meant just us."
Yoochun looked at him, dumbfounded by his smile. "You do realize that I'm... This could happen again-"
"It could, and I'm willing to stay beside you if you need me. If you want me to be at least." Junsu interjected. "Like I said. I've always cared about you." His cheeks reddened just slightly at his proclamation. "That definitely wasn't a lie."
Yoochun was vaguely aware of the dominant voice that became more confident. The sensible voice could hardly argue against it as it was aware of the situation. He merely blinked as Junsu gestured to the papers.
"Lunch after we finish this?"
He nodded. Junsu smiled cheerfully as he returned to the work in front of them. He continued to eye him for the rest of the day, sometimes distracting himself from the actual task at hand.
Maybe his luck wasn't so bad after all.