The Bunny King Is Dead Chapter 1

[nyx06]

Okay.... this is what I'm currently working on... it's not revised and changes will be made... but this is a preview! It's a Taemin centered story... so please forgive any mistakes!

[Spoiler (click to open)]

1A tinkling bell went off as the front door of the Lee and Son’s Apothecary swung open. The bustling sounds of the market place suddenly disturbing the serenity of

Comments

[kayjay1212]

Okay, first of all, the story is really good. The pacing is effective and no, its not boring at all. First Im going to list some of the small things I caught, then Ill move on to the bigger things

[kayjay1212]

Something else in general I wanted to say is that the part when Taemin received his letter, his reaction to it, and the surrounding parts related to it didnt seem to mesh well. You told me that he was beyond ecstatic, but I couldnt see that on my own. Do you get what I mean? In contrast, the scene where he is at the graveyard, you didnt outright say that Taemin was scared, nervous, burdened, sad, but I could tell he was from the scene. Everything in that scene meshed really well and flowed really well.

Over-all, the chapter is really good. You put a lot of info in the chapter, and it isnt even that long. Your writing, compared to the excerpt from other story you have posted, has become much more effective and just better in general. Like I said though, you could work a bit on scene/tone setting, and make your writing more effective that way. As for character building, I feel like its a bit early for me to judge, so Ill leave that for further into the story.

[nyx06]

I really appreciate this. Googles... lmao! Anyway, in regards to their speech pattern... I think I'll go the more formal route. I want this to give a feeling that it's a different era, not only in place but also in feel...

Also, the letter scene, up to the graveyard scene, felt rushed to me too... I'll figure it out.

I'm glad you liked the graveyard scene... I want to be able to express emotions instead of saying it outright ...or well writing it lol.

In regards to the run-on sentences and commas... it's one of my weaker points, as well as being consistent with the tenses, I just need more practice!

Seriously though, Thank You!

[kayjay1212]

Well if you're going for a more formal tone, then I would think about removing things such as Taemin saying "yo." Anything that seems too modern day like.

Practice really will make you better and better. I can already see you improving by leaps and bounds compared to the first chapter of "Interstitial Space."

Im excited for more!!!