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Sigh. I feel so crappy right now. Just randomly having another 'I miss Curt' breakdown. Everyone's like, "Get over it Jen, get over it! You can't sulk forever." Well guess what? It's easier said than done. I can't get over it, and I probably won't for the rest of my life. So what are you going to do about it? Force me to the point of leaving everything that I love because nothing was worth the pain anymore? That is so sick. Try to even imagine how he felt. Imagine how much emotional and spiritual pain he was going through to just give up on everything. Leave everything he loved... everything. Curt was a really stubborn guy, he's not one of those people that would just give up because he wasn't getting anywhere. But he did give up, that has got to say a lot. Why didn't I do anything? I saw his eyes tremble... I saw right through him, I knew something was wrong. WHY DIDN'T I FUCKIN ACT ON IT?! FUCK....................... If I had acted on my impulse, he might have been still with us right now. But for the first time, I ignored my sudden wave of thought and went with everyone's flow. Assuming he had a horrible day and what he was saying was just out of anger and frustration, not like he meant it. I feel so stupid. Why do I always act on my impulses at the wrong time and ignore them when their most correct?!?...
... Maybe he left for a reason...
In the past month, I have gained more knowledge than I have in the 14 years and 4 months that I have been alive. In this past month, I have learned so much about myself, about the people around me and about life, in general. He was the only person that made me completely realize who I truly was and where I stand in this enormous sea of faces. He reminded me of how lucky I am to have all this support around me. He saw me as... me. The one person that always believed that I could achieve anything if I set my mind to it, the one person that never lost faith in the decisions that I made, the one person that accepted every single one of my bad qualities and still loved me for who I was without a moment of doubt. Curtis was not just my best friend; he was a part of me. And there will be no one like him. Who am I kidding? If there is a reason why he left, I obviously haven't discovered it yet. I doubt there is one though...
... life will go on...
Uhg fuck, I have school tomorrow...