tired of fighting
this is a conversation i had earlier with mrs. bridgette.. i didn't feel like rewording the whole thing, so I'm posting it, because I'm too tired to reexplain, and this captures most of the details..
bedfullofstars (8:09:16 AM): heya mark long time no talk
Auto response from TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:16 AM): Think you got game?
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TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:28 AM): hey brigette...
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:37 AM): bridgette*
bedfullofstars (8:09:53 AM): how's it going?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:53 AM): me and mah mom... we got into a fight last night cuz I'm tired of her bullshit
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:10:29 AM): and she was all "blah blah" and I was like "blah blah blah" and she was like "BLAH BLAH" and I was like "I'm not your fucking son anymore so don't fucking talk to me!~!!
YOU OR JOHN JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"
bedfullofstars (8:12:33 AM): you and your momma wont stop talkin' :p you love her to much
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:12:58 AM): yea but she acts like I don't
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:13:12 AM): she's been acting like that for like a year and a half now
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:14:04 AM): it seems like every time I get a girlfriend, she goes into this total bitch mode, where she acts like I don't love her anymore
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:14:17 AM): everytime I said "I love you" she just sat there or sneered at me
bedfullofstars (8:14:31 AM): she's just jealous she's afraid of losing her baby boy
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:15:31 AM): well she started pushing me away when she stopped telling me she loves me cuz she thinks the only time I tell her is when I wanted something
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:15:42 AM): which isn't true, because i haven't asked for jack shit after telling her i love her
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:15:53 AM): matter of fact, I only ask for things now when I HAVEN'T told her i love her
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:16:01 AM): just because i know she'll give me that bullshit look
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:18:24 AM): bah -_-
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:18:37 AM): and john stopped answering me entirely
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:18:51 AM): he only seems to say something when he wants to lecture or advise me
bedfullofstars (8:18:54 AM): I thought john was always like that tho?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:19:14 AM): no, he used to say "hi" when I said "hi" or "bye" when I said "bye" now he just sits there
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:19:44 AM): or glares at me... I hate that look he gives me, makes me want to scream at him
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:19:49 AM): that's what I told my mom last night
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:04 AM): well, yelled at her... that her and her husband were pissing me off with the way they've been treating me lately
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:10 AM): I don't think she grasps what I'm screamin though
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:13 AM): she just sits there like I'm upset for no reason
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:19 AM): she yells back, that's about it
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:29 AM): she's been acting like I don't give a shit about my problems
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:35 AM): well, if I didn't give a shit, they wouldn't still be problems
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:47 AM): if I didn't care about what was going on in my life, I wouldn't try to fix them
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:21:02 AM): but no, her and john seem to insist that I don't give a flying rats ass about anything that's going on
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:22:13 AM): whether it's me being broke, my car being broke, my back being screwed up, me being unemployed, having community service, being behind in bills, whatever - they act like I
don't pay attention to any of my problems.. like all I do is pay attention to tiffany, and like I don't give a shit about anything else
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:22:51 AM): mom acts like I stopped caring about everything else
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:05 AM): and her and john act like they don't want me around
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:13 AM): just because I sleep somewhere else now
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:23 AM): I didn't move out because of them though, I moved out for myself
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:27 AM): and I don't think they understand that
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:32 AM): they act like I'm using them
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:48 AM): when all I do is come back here to take a shower and change
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:59 AM): and occasionally wash my clothes, which I won't be doing here anymore
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:24:11 AM): and then there's all the bullshit my mom tells me
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:24:17 AM): "well if you need money you need to ask"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:24:55 AM): but when I do mention something, she says "well I'm broke I've got so many bills to pay ask your father" john just says "get a job"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:25:28 AM): well if he knew that I was trying, instead of assuming that I "sit on my ass all day long" then he'd realize that no one wants to hire me because I've been arrested
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:25:43 AM): and sure, if I told him that, he'd say "then you shouldn't have gotten arrested" like that's gonna do any good in the matter
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:26:47 AM): and when mom wants to go somewhere, she bitches because john's in front of the computer all day long talking to guys and girls on his game, and she gets pissed off because
other girls can make him laugh
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:26:57 AM): and she sits there and says she's not a jealous person
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:27:27 AM): then bitches about how if john wants to go out and meet some "internet chick" that he can go right ahead, because his ass will be out of the house for good and she's a strong
woman and she can make it on her own
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:28:04 AM): and john has no fucking clue half the time.. mom always wants to go out and do shit but not with me anymore... always john... she bitches that john spends too much time in front of the computer, and she never gets taken anywhere anymore
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:28:20 AM): but when I'm available to go places, she's too tired, or has a headache, or no money
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:29:00 AM): there was the time that she gave me new tires a few weeks ago, but she bitched about it the whole time and made me feel like shit, because she was like "well I guess I won't be able to get the new tires on my car that I really need"
bedfullofstars (8:29:11 AM): maybe she's just upset that her marriage isn't like she wants it to be and in a way she's taking it out on you because she doesn't know what else to do
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:29:19 AM): I wanted to slash all my new tires and tell her to stop bitching, that if she wanted new tires she should've just gotten herself some
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:29:58 AM): well shit, bridgette, nothing is the way I want it to be right now.. except that I finally wake up next to someone that I really care about every morning without hearing some screaming banshee down the hall
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:31:30 AM): funny thing though, as much as mom bitches about john not going anywhere with her and ignoring her because he's too busy on the computer, she nags at me to get him and me to go out and do stuff, like I'm still a little kid
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:32:00 AM): i've got more important shit to do than go hang out... I can't find time to hang out with ANY of my friends
bedfullofstars (8:32:11 AM): well you've always been there and now your not so it's driving her crazy
bedfullofstars (8:32:47 AM): I've been there done half of that with my mom tho she's just now getting to where she'll talk to me and treat me like she use to
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:32:54 AM): I barely have time for my own girlfriend.. and she shouldn't be going crazy because I'm gone, it's not like I'm 2 states away like my dad.. i can't imagine how crazy he went when we both moved 2 states away, and he was sitting in a prison
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:35:04 AM): my mom acts like we've got the only child/parent relationship with problems, and I don't care anymore.. she thinks we're so screwed up that we need counseling.. she did it before, these stupid "family sessions" at some counselor.. it was ridiculous and didn't help... you can't make a child feel more welcome by taking him to a strange place and making him feel akward by forcing him to talk about things he doesn't want do, otherwise if he doesn't he's considered "rebellious" and depressed and "needs therapy"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:35:55 AM): yea so what if I'm depressed... pills didn't help before they won't help now.. I really just want to be put into a karate class again so I can vent
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:36:17 AM): I've been wanting to get back in for over two years now, and I mentioned it before to my mom, but she said she couldn't afford it
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:36:25 AM): so i never mentioned it again
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:37:19 AM): it's stupid though, how she bitches that she never has any money, and tells me that I need to realize what it's like to live from paycheck to paycheck to even remotely understand what she's going through
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:40:01 AM): but in the past 5 years, she's gone on a cruise, and to virginia, and lost an $8000 tennis bracelet, and contemplated buying a truck, scouted for a new house in the bluff's, had the house repainted, the carpets redone, bought a new fridge and stove, had the countertops redone, the kitchen floor redone, and now she's contemplating two new garage doors.
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:47:38 AM): let's see... in the past 5 years I had a car that my grandma bought, had to give it to john because he totalled his, got a new car that my dad paid 90% for, gave up on my senior trip because my mom wanted to refinance the house and repaint it, taken myself to abilene 3 times, taken myself to odessa twice, taken myself to midland twice, my dad took me on a cruise 5 years ago, but I didn't pay for it, he did.. oh ya I was best man in a wedding that I didn't want to occur, I was dragged to rivercrest for 4 days, dragged back to rivercrest for 7 days, then to big spring
state hospital for a month because the girl I gave my virginity to cheated on me and left me, then she died last month along with her sister which was also a good friend of mine, my cell phone got cut off because I can't afford the payments because they're always screwing it up, I lost my job, I can't get hired anywhere, my parents act like I'm not trying hard enough, they assume that I don't care,
and I'm left sitting here taking the bulk of my mom's frustration with her husband because he's attached to the computer and she wants to get out... or when he wants to get out, she's too pissed off...
bedfullofstars (8:49:53 AM): you take to much on yourself sometimes
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:13 AM): oh ya my mom acts like it's all my fault that nothing gets done around the house anymore... well let's see... when I hurt my back 3 weeks ago (which i DID mention to her, she just wasn't paying attention because she was too busy bitching about john's computer problem), what was I doing? oh ya, helping her and grandma move shit out of the garage for the garage sale... and what was john doing? hmm... what did tiffany ask? oh ya "why is it that everytime I come here and your mom wants something done, she calls for you, and john just always sits there on the computer?"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:20 AM): so?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:23 AM): my mom doesn't know that
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:25 AM): she doesn't care to know
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:51:21 AM): she tells me to tell her about what's going on, but when I start talking, she goes into "well you're not the only person with problems" mode and starts telling me "we all have
problems" and "well you shouldn't have done this and that" like any of that bullshit is going to help me fix it
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:52:17 AM): and she had the nerve to tell me the other day that "if you need help, you just need to ask" but when I ask, she goes into "I'm broke" bitch mode and tells me to find a job, just like john does, as if I'm not looking
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:53:26 AM): she tells me that she's there, and then tries to find every excuse to get around what she said before... "ask your father" "go find a job" "i have bills to pay" "i'm getting the carpet redone" "we're getting the kitchen floor replaced" "i need a new dining table"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:53:44 AM): when the fuck do we ever have formal dinners where people actually sit at an actual dining table?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:54:14 AM): when the hell has my dad been able to send chunks of money over my way on a whim, because I need the help?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:54:34 AM): how the hell can I find a job worth my time if my time is worthless to these stupid employers?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:55:06 AM): yes that's nice that she has bills to pay, if she'd stop spending her money on all this fucking jewelry and house fixers that don't need to occur at the moment, maybe she COULD help me
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:55:46 AM): oh wow the carpet... yes it looked like shit, but she's always too tired to invite anyone over anyway, and my friends never cared about the way the house looked... they came here to get away from their own houses and parents.. we always came to my room and tried to hang out
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:56:16 AM): ok the kitchen floor needed to be replaced too, but it was still functional... a floor is a floor... i'd be happy to have cement as long as I had something flat to walk on
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:56:59 AM): that's another thing... my friends hate coming over here because they feel like every time they come here, they're gonna get to hear yet another great speech about this or that
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:57:18 AM): from who? from john... always happens... stories abound like my friends came here to sit and listen...
bedfullofstars (8:57:33 AM): I think most dads do that to a point
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:57:39 AM): and when i used to tell my mom that, she would say "well maybe they need it"
bedfullofstars (8:57:52 AM): my husbands dad does that EVERYTIME he would do it to me when I lived with them too
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:58:00 AM): ya but john isn't telling anything interesting, he's telling about money management and nutritional shit like he always does... just look at all his books!!
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:58:23 AM): tiffany's dad does it... i've heard all his stories like 9 times already, and 5 times he was telling them to me
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:58:38 AM): but see, he's forgetful because he drinks, and is extremely lonely... he sits around his house most of the time now with no one to talk to but his cat...
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:59:03 AM): tiffany's dad knows he isn't the smartest person in the world, on the other hand, when john talks to us, it's like we've never heard it before, or won't hear it ever again
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:59:45 AM): i remember when she and I first started going out, and we came into my room to watch charlie's angels: full throttle, and we were relaxing on the bed, not even touching each other at all, and he walked by and started screaming at us
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:59:58 AM): tiffany has hated coming over here ever since then
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:00:22 AM): and I've hated having friends over at all ever since he started doing that, back when heather and I were best of friends
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:00:32 AM): sometimes I feel like he ran all my friends off, bridgette... they tell me they don't want to come over, and when I ask them why, they say "well i heard that so and so got yelled at by your stepdad" or "i don't want to have to listen to anyone giving me advice today or i might shoot myself" etc..
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:01:11 AM): when heather used to come over, we couldn't have the door closed for privacy, we couldn't sit on the same bed, now we're not even supposed to be back here in my room
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:01:36 AM): they act like I'm gonna get some random girl pregnant some day.. if I wanted to have sex with a girl, I'd go get a hotel room
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:01:52 AM): i wouldn't come home during the middle of the day when everyone is here and wide awake to get my freak on...
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:02:02 AM): they treat me like I'm always reckless and absolutely irresponsible
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:02:41 AM): and then when I do fuck up once in a great while, they sit there and say "see what happens when you don't do this, or don't do that, or act this way" and blah blah blah... god I'm so sick and tired of them acting like I'm retarted
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:03:04 AM): like I'm a dog, and they taught me how to obey, and when something goes wrong, it's my fault
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:03:45 AM): they do the same thing to misty... when she shit on the carpet, it was her fault.. do they consider that she was locked into the house and has no opposable thumbs to open the door so she can get out?
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:04:05 AM): and what really pisses me off is everytime misty gets in the way, they yell my name first, then the dog's
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:04:30 AM): it's like, dead-set in their mind that I am at fault, regardless of who's doing what or what's going on with whatever... no matter what, my name is first that pops into their head
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:04:56 AM): john started doing it 3 years ago, and mom started doing it last year... ever since then, I've felt like I don't belong.. and I don't want to be here any more because of it
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:05:00 AM): i'm just another family dog.
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:07:04 AM): hurray for the family dog...
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:07:22 AM): except misty doesn't have responsibilities, or choice for that matter to make at all...
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:13 AM): so I've got all the responsibilities of a human, and the respect of a dog... hurray for the freak
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:20 AM): i'm gonna go
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:29 AM): my head is starting to hurt worse
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:43 AM): ty for listening to me, call me sometime at 325-234-5758
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:51 AM): that's tiffany's number, she'll give the phone to me though
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:54 AM): i'll ttyl
bedfullofstars (9:08:55 AM): alright
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:58 AM): bye bridgette <3
bedfullofstars (9:09:01 AM): buh bye mark
now that I've had a bit of time to think, i still stick by the majority of that convo.. john came into my room a few minutes ago upset because apparently I blamed my mom for all my problems.. my mom always twists shit around, or misunderstands entirely.. I don't know how many times I've had to repeat shit, just so she can grasp what I'm trying to tell her.. it's like she has a comprehension block sometimes.. anyway, apparently she told john that I blame them for all of my problems.. the way i see it, I didn't blame them for my problems, I blamed them for not helping me when I need it.. or if they try, they help entirely wrong.. seems like their idea of helping me when I say I'm behind in my bills is giving me a list of places to apply, like I haven't already thought about or done it at all.. when I said I needed new tires, first response was "get them patched" then a week later my mom took me to get them.. my mom discovered that my cell phone was disconnected and she said "you need to pay the bill" like I had any money.. then she said "so what are you going to do? you need to pay it" and I said "no shit I know that already" and she assumes that I owe over $200-$300.. I remember one day john came into my room and said "you know you can go to jail for not paying your bills?" that was one of the worst things he couldn't said.. i think the only thing worse would've been "you're going to go to jail if you don't pay your bills"... I was pretty pissed.. not once did they offer to help me with my bills, even though mom said when I lost my job that she would help me.. apparently not, since my cell phone bill and kay's bill still go unpaid this month, the only two bills I couldn't pay myself.. so no, I'm not blaming them for my problems.. I never did, I'm not that ignorant.. but I do wish they would stop acting like I'm vacant minded all the time.. I spend the majority of my time depressed because I can't stop thinking about all the shit I'm in.. bills bills bills, community service, lumbar strain (back problem), my car is dying, tiffany's getting ready to lose her house, my credit is shot, i'm unemployed, I can't get a decent job, and everyone else is acting like my problems are easy to solve, and that I'm too lazy to do anything about them!
for some odd reason, I'm gaining weight, but I only eat 1 meal a day, that's dinner.. and I don't eat much anymore, since I know tiffany's dad is hungry, too.. did I mention I've come across that stupid question "what's the point in life?" ... not "what is the meaning of life" that would be easy.. but "what is the point" why do you try so hard to get so far to die and be forgotten years later.. i don't expect you to understand why that question is bothering me so much.. but if you thought about it every day for at least an hour, and couldn't answer it in any optimistic way, and you started questioning God, and lose a lot of your faith because nothing seems to go as expected or planned, unless you expect and plan for the worse, then you try asking people for help and help is not givin in any helping way, wouldn't you be a little depressed?
it's getting worse, I think.. I can't think much, and can't really compare one day's depression with another's.. all I know at the moment is that I'm in a horrible state of misery, and there's not much I can do about it right now..
I do regret yelling at my mom, but I don't regret trying to get my point across.. if there's one time she'll ever listen, it's when I'm near crying.. someday, she might just realize when that is, and listen next time I'm upset..
- Mark
bedfullofstars (8:09:16 AM): heya mark long time no talk
Auto response from TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:16 AM): Think you got game?
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TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:28 AM): hey brigette...
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:37 AM): bridgette*
bedfullofstars (8:09:53 AM): how's it going?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:09:53 AM): me and mah mom... we got into a fight last night cuz I'm tired of her bullshit
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:10:29 AM): and she was all "blah blah" and I was like "blah blah blah" and she was like "BLAH BLAH" and I was like "I'm not your fucking son anymore so don't fucking talk to me!~!!
YOU OR JOHN JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"
bedfullofstars (8:12:33 AM): you and your momma wont stop talkin' :p you love her to much
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:12:58 AM): yea but she acts like I don't
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:13:12 AM): she's been acting like that for like a year and a half now
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:14:04 AM): it seems like every time I get a girlfriend, she goes into this total bitch mode, where she acts like I don't love her anymore
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:14:17 AM): everytime I said "I love you" she just sat there or sneered at me
bedfullofstars (8:14:31 AM): she's just jealous she's afraid of losing her baby boy
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:15:31 AM): well she started pushing me away when she stopped telling me she loves me cuz she thinks the only time I tell her is when I wanted something
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:15:42 AM): which isn't true, because i haven't asked for jack shit after telling her i love her
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:15:53 AM): matter of fact, I only ask for things now when I HAVEN'T told her i love her
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:16:01 AM): just because i know she'll give me that bullshit look
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:18:24 AM): bah -_-
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:18:37 AM): and john stopped answering me entirely
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:18:51 AM): he only seems to say something when he wants to lecture or advise me
bedfullofstars (8:18:54 AM): I thought john was always like that tho?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:19:14 AM): no, he used to say "hi" when I said "hi" or "bye" when I said "bye" now he just sits there
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:19:44 AM): or glares at me... I hate that look he gives me, makes me want to scream at him
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:19:49 AM): that's what I told my mom last night
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:04 AM): well, yelled at her... that her and her husband were pissing me off with the way they've been treating me lately
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:10 AM): I don't think she grasps what I'm screamin though
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:13 AM): she just sits there like I'm upset for no reason
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:19 AM): she yells back, that's about it
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:29 AM): she's been acting like I don't give a shit about my problems
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:35 AM): well, if I didn't give a shit, they wouldn't still be problems
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:20:47 AM): if I didn't care about what was going on in my life, I wouldn't try to fix them
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:21:02 AM): but no, her and john seem to insist that I don't give a flying rats ass about anything that's going on
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:22:13 AM): whether it's me being broke, my car being broke, my back being screwed up, me being unemployed, having community service, being behind in bills, whatever - they act like I
don't pay attention to any of my problems.. like all I do is pay attention to tiffany, and like I don't give a shit about anything else
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:22:51 AM): mom acts like I stopped caring about everything else
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:05 AM): and her and john act like they don't want me around
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:13 AM): just because I sleep somewhere else now
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:23 AM): I didn't move out because of them though, I moved out for myself
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:27 AM): and I don't think they understand that
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:32 AM): they act like I'm using them
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:48 AM): when all I do is come back here to take a shower and change
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:23:59 AM): and occasionally wash my clothes, which I won't be doing here anymore
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:24:11 AM): and then there's all the bullshit my mom tells me
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:24:17 AM): "well if you need money you need to ask"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:24:55 AM): but when I do mention something, she says "well I'm broke I've got so many bills to pay ask your father" john just says "get a job"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:25:28 AM): well if he knew that I was trying, instead of assuming that I "sit on my ass all day long" then he'd realize that no one wants to hire me because I've been arrested
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:25:43 AM): and sure, if I told him that, he'd say "then you shouldn't have gotten arrested" like that's gonna do any good in the matter
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:26:47 AM): and when mom wants to go somewhere, she bitches because john's in front of the computer all day long talking to guys and girls on his game, and she gets pissed off because
other girls can make him laugh
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:26:57 AM): and she sits there and says she's not a jealous person
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:27:27 AM): then bitches about how if john wants to go out and meet some "internet chick" that he can go right ahead, because his ass will be out of the house for good and she's a strong
woman and she can make it on her own
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:28:04 AM): and john has no fucking clue half the time.. mom always wants to go out and do shit but not with me anymore... always john... she bitches that john spends too much time in front of the computer, and she never gets taken anywhere anymore
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:28:20 AM): but when I'm available to go places, she's too tired, or has a headache, or no money
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:29:00 AM): there was the time that she gave me new tires a few weeks ago, but she bitched about it the whole time and made me feel like shit, because she was like "well I guess I won't be able to get the new tires on my car that I really need"
bedfullofstars (8:29:11 AM): maybe she's just upset that her marriage isn't like she wants it to be and in a way she's taking it out on you because she doesn't know what else to do
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:29:19 AM): I wanted to slash all my new tires and tell her to stop bitching, that if she wanted new tires she should've just gotten herself some
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:29:58 AM): well shit, bridgette, nothing is the way I want it to be right now.. except that I finally wake up next to someone that I really care about every morning without hearing some screaming banshee down the hall
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:31:30 AM): funny thing though, as much as mom bitches about john not going anywhere with her and ignoring her because he's too busy on the computer, she nags at me to get him and me to go out and do stuff, like I'm still a little kid
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:32:00 AM): i've got more important shit to do than go hang out... I can't find time to hang out with ANY of my friends
bedfullofstars (8:32:11 AM): well you've always been there and now your not so it's driving her crazy
bedfullofstars (8:32:47 AM): I've been there done half of that with my mom tho she's just now getting to where she'll talk to me and treat me like she use to
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:32:54 AM): I barely have time for my own girlfriend.. and she shouldn't be going crazy because I'm gone, it's not like I'm 2 states away like my dad.. i can't imagine how crazy he went when we both moved 2 states away, and he was sitting in a prison
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:35:04 AM): my mom acts like we've got the only child/parent relationship with problems, and I don't care anymore.. she thinks we're so screwed up that we need counseling.. she did it before, these stupid "family sessions" at some counselor.. it was ridiculous and didn't help... you can't make a child feel more welcome by taking him to a strange place and making him feel akward by forcing him to talk about things he doesn't want do, otherwise if he doesn't he's considered "rebellious" and depressed and "needs therapy"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:35:55 AM): yea so what if I'm depressed... pills didn't help before they won't help now.. I really just want to be put into a karate class again so I can vent
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:36:17 AM): I've been wanting to get back in for over two years now, and I mentioned it before to my mom, but she said she couldn't afford it
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:36:25 AM): so i never mentioned it again
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:37:19 AM): it's stupid though, how she bitches that she never has any money, and tells me that I need to realize what it's like to live from paycheck to paycheck to even remotely understand what she's going through
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:40:01 AM): but in the past 5 years, she's gone on a cruise, and to virginia, and lost an $8000 tennis bracelet, and contemplated buying a truck, scouted for a new house in the bluff's, had the house repainted, the carpets redone, bought a new fridge and stove, had the countertops redone, the kitchen floor redone, and now she's contemplating two new garage doors.
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:47:38 AM): let's see... in the past 5 years I had a car that my grandma bought, had to give it to john because he totalled his, got a new car that my dad paid 90% for, gave up on my senior trip because my mom wanted to refinance the house and repaint it, taken myself to abilene 3 times, taken myself to odessa twice, taken myself to midland twice, my dad took me on a cruise 5 years ago, but I didn't pay for it, he did.. oh ya I was best man in a wedding that I didn't want to occur, I was dragged to rivercrest for 4 days, dragged back to rivercrest for 7 days, then to big spring
state hospital for a month because the girl I gave my virginity to cheated on me and left me, then she died last month along with her sister which was also a good friend of mine, my cell phone got cut off because I can't afford the payments because they're always screwing it up, I lost my job, I can't get hired anywhere, my parents act like I'm not trying hard enough, they assume that I don't care,
and I'm left sitting here taking the bulk of my mom's frustration with her husband because he's attached to the computer and she wants to get out... or when he wants to get out, she's too pissed off...
bedfullofstars (8:49:53 AM): you take to much on yourself sometimes
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:13 AM): oh ya my mom acts like it's all my fault that nothing gets done around the house anymore... well let's see... when I hurt my back 3 weeks ago (which i DID mention to her, she just wasn't paying attention because she was too busy bitching about john's computer problem), what was I doing? oh ya, helping her and grandma move shit out of the garage for the garage sale... and what was john doing? hmm... what did tiffany ask? oh ya "why is it that everytime I come here and your mom wants something done, she calls for you, and john just always sits there on the computer?"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:20 AM): so?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:23 AM): my mom doesn't know that
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:50:25 AM): she doesn't care to know
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:51:21 AM): she tells me to tell her about what's going on, but when I start talking, she goes into "well you're not the only person with problems" mode and starts telling me "we all have
problems" and "well you shouldn't have done this and that" like any of that bullshit is going to help me fix it
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:52:17 AM): and she had the nerve to tell me the other day that "if you need help, you just need to ask" but when I ask, she goes into "I'm broke" bitch mode and tells me to find a job, just like john does, as if I'm not looking
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:53:26 AM): she tells me that she's there, and then tries to find every excuse to get around what she said before... "ask your father" "go find a job" "i have bills to pay" "i'm getting the carpet redone" "we're getting the kitchen floor replaced" "i need a new dining table"
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:53:44 AM): when the fuck do we ever have formal dinners where people actually sit at an actual dining table?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:54:14 AM): when the hell has my dad been able to send chunks of money over my way on a whim, because I need the help?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:54:34 AM): how the hell can I find a job worth my time if my time is worthless to these stupid employers?
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:55:06 AM): yes that's nice that she has bills to pay, if she'd stop spending her money on all this fucking jewelry and house fixers that don't need to occur at the moment, maybe she COULD help me
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:55:46 AM): oh wow the carpet... yes it looked like shit, but she's always too tired to invite anyone over anyway, and my friends never cared about the way the house looked... they came here to get away from their own houses and parents.. we always came to my room and tried to hang out
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:56:16 AM): ok the kitchen floor needed to be replaced too, but it was still functional... a floor is a floor... i'd be happy to have cement as long as I had something flat to walk on
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:56:59 AM): that's another thing... my friends hate coming over here because they feel like every time they come here, they're gonna get to hear yet another great speech about this or that
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:57:18 AM): from who? from john... always happens... stories abound like my friends came here to sit and listen...
bedfullofstars (8:57:33 AM): I think most dads do that to a point
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:57:39 AM): and when i used to tell my mom that, she would say "well maybe they need it"
bedfullofstars (8:57:52 AM): my husbands dad does that EVERYTIME he would do it to me when I lived with them too
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:58:00 AM): ya but john isn't telling anything interesting, he's telling about money management and nutritional shit like he always does... just look at all his books!!
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:58:23 AM): tiffany's dad does it... i've heard all his stories like 9 times already, and 5 times he was telling them to me
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:58:38 AM): but see, he's forgetful because he drinks, and is extremely lonely... he sits around his house most of the time now with no one to talk to but his cat...
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:59:03 AM): tiffany's dad knows he isn't the smartest person in the world, on the other hand, when john talks to us, it's like we've never heard it before, or won't hear it ever again
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:59:45 AM): i remember when she and I first started going out, and we came into my room to watch charlie's angels: full throttle, and we were relaxing on the bed, not even touching each other at all, and he walked by and started screaming at us
TruRomeo4Juliet (8:59:58 AM): tiffany has hated coming over here ever since then
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:00:22 AM): and I've hated having friends over at all ever since he started doing that, back when heather and I were best of friends
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:00:32 AM): sometimes I feel like he ran all my friends off, bridgette... they tell me they don't want to come over, and when I ask them why, they say "well i heard that so and so got yelled at by your stepdad" or "i don't want to have to listen to anyone giving me advice today or i might shoot myself" etc..
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:01:11 AM): when heather used to come over, we couldn't have the door closed for privacy, we couldn't sit on the same bed, now we're not even supposed to be back here in my room
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:01:36 AM): they act like I'm gonna get some random girl pregnant some day.. if I wanted to have sex with a girl, I'd go get a hotel room
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:01:52 AM): i wouldn't come home during the middle of the day when everyone is here and wide awake to get my freak on...
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:02:02 AM): they treat me like I'm always reckless and absolutely irresponsible
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:02:41 AM): and then when I do fuck up once in a great while, they sit there and say "see what happens when you don't do this, or don't do that, or act this way" and blah blah blah... god I'm so sick and tired of them acting like I'm retarted
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:03:04 AM): like I'm a dog, and they taught me how to obey, and when something goes wrong, it's my fault
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:03:45 AM): they do the same thing to misty... when she shit on the carpet, it was her fault.. do they consider that she was locked into the house and has no opposable thumbs to open the door so she can get out?
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:04:05 AM): and what really pisses me off is everytime misty gets in the way, they yell my name first, then the dog's
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:04:30 AM): it's like, dead-set in their mind that I am at fault, regardless of who's doing what or what's going on with whatever... no matter what, my name is first that pops into their head
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:04:56 AM): john started doing it 3 years ago, and mom started doing it last year... ever since then, I've felt like I don't belong.. and I don't want to be here any more because of it
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:05:00 AM): i'm just another family dog.
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:07:04 AM): hurray for the family dog...
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:07:22 AM): except misty doesn't have responsibilities, or choice for that matter to make at all...
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:13 AM): so I've got all the responsibilities of a human, and the respect of a dog... hurray for the freak
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:20 AM): i'm gonna go
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:29 AM): my head is starting to hurt worse
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:43 AM): ty for listening to me, call me sometime at 325-234-5758
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:51 AM): that's tiffany's number, she'll give the phone to me though
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:54 AM): i'll ttyl
bedfullofstars (9:08:55 AM): alright
TruRomeo4Juliet (9:08:58 AM): bye bridgette <3
bedfullofstars (9:09:01 AM): buh bye mark
now that I've had a bit of time to think, i still stick by the majority of that convo.. john came into my room a few minutes ago upset because apparently I blamed my mom for all my problems.. my mom always twists shit around, or misunderstands entirely.. I don't know how many times I've had to repeat shit, just so she can grasp what I'm trying to tell her.. it's like she has a comprehension block sometimes.. anyway, apparently she told john that I blame them for all of my problems.. the way i see it, I didn't blame them for my problems, I blamed them for not helping me when I need it.. or if they try, they help entirely wrong.. seems like their idea of helping me when I say I'm behind in my bills is giving me a list of places to apply, like I haven't already thought about or done it at all.. when I said I needed new tires, first response was "get them patched" then a week later my mom took me to get them.. my mom discovered that my cell phone was disconnected and she said "you need to pay the bill" like I had any money.. then she said "so what are you going to do? you need to pay it" and I said "no shit I know that already" and she assumes that I owe over $200-$300.. I remember one day john came into my room and said "you know you can go to jail for not paying your bills?" that was one of the worst things he couldn't said.. i think the only thing worse would've been "you're going to go to jail if you don't pay your bills"... I was pretty pissed.. not once did they offer to help me with my bills, even though mom said when I lost my job that she would help me.. apparently not, since my cell phone bill and kay's bill still go unpaid this month, the only two bills I couldn't pay myself.. so no, I'm not blaming them for my problems.. I never did, I'm not that ignorant.. but I do wish they would stop acting like I'm vacant minded all the time.. I spend the majority of my time depressed because I can't stop thinking about all the shit I'm in.. bills bills bills, community service, lumbar strain (back problem), my car is dying, tiffany's getting ready to lose her house, my credit is shot, i'm unemployed, I can't get a decent job, and everyone else is acting like my problems are easy to solve, and that I'm too lazy to do anything about them!
for some odd reason, I'm gaining weight, but I only eat 1 meal a day, that's dinner.. and I don't eat much anymore, since I know tiffany's dad is hungry, too.. did I mention I've come across that stupid question "what's the point in life?" ... not "what is the meaning of life" that would be easy.. but "what is the point" why do you try so hard to get so far to die and be forgotten years later.. i don't expect you to understand why that question is bothering me so much.. but if you thought about it every day for at least an hour, and couldn't answer it in any optimistic way, and you started questioning God, and lose a lot of your faith because nothing seems to go as expected or planned, unless you expect and plan for the worse, then you try asking people for help and help is not givin in any helping way, wouldn't you be a little depressed?
it's getting worse, I think.. I can't think much, and can't really compare one day's depression with another's.. all I know at the moment is that I'm in a horrible state of misery, and there's not much I can do about it right now..
I do regret yelling at my mom, but I don't regret trying to get my point across.. if there's one time she'll ever listen, it's when I'm near crying.. someday, she might just realize when that is, and listen next time I'm upset..
- Mark