(no subject)
i just don't care enough to have the focus i need to work on this speech.
good thing i'm giving it in about seven hours.
but it's fine. it's on how marijuana affects interpersonal communication, so.
unfortunately, it kind of just makes me want to smoke weed.
also unfortunately, but entirely my fault, i'm not going to sleep.
this would be fine, but i'm trying hard to not let this cough get worse.
i'd rather not get actually sick. a cough is tiring enough.
it doesn't really matter, though, i don't do anything with my time.
i started the pill tonight.
9:15 every night. the alarm is set on my phone.
let's hope i don't gain weight, grow too much boob, get acne, or have an emotional breakdown.
fingers crossed, man.
i really need to get out of this quad.
i've been sitting out here all night not getting work done.
and yeah, i could probably focus better if i went somewhere else, but i don't have much to focus on.
i kind of just need to wait for what i want to say in this speech to come to me.
so i figured i would just hang out here and be around everyone. i like to think i like everyone's company.
but i really don't appreciate being told that i'm seeking attention when i think out loud for a minute.
i don't get self-conscious all that often, but i'm feeling that way around here.
i'm liking everyone less and less lately, and it's not anything anyone does, it's just my reaction.
also, everyone talks about everyone else entirely too much, it's weird.
the only points of interest are each other, i guess, and i'm sick of talking about all of us.
and after everyone asking me about it and me thinking about it more.
i am completely uncomfortable around ryan.
i think too many people asked when it was never going to go anywhere.
it's like an idea that will never be said out loud or something. profound.
bullshit. but i think we've gotten too mean in our joking and really just. no.
i register on thursday, and i'm resigned to it not going my way.
that's really all there is there.
i at least have my writing classes. nothing else, really, but.
i'll figure it out. it could be worse.
i had a long talk with mary about cupelo last night.
i feel a lot better about him. and i have a lot more respect for him.
it makes me want to be his friend a little bit.
i just want to be his friend, hook up, and nothing more.
that's probably unhealthy.
lately i've been thinking about manic depression.
when i feel so weird socially, like i do right now, i wonder if that has anything to do with it, or if it's just my excuse for myself to be so shitty.
and the more i think about, the more i realize that i have a weird standard of what is okay in any kind of relationship.
how i think about my friends and my family and if i ever have a boy.
i just don't take life seriously anymore.
but i'm not sure i'd even rather that i did.