Explosive.
You've got to click where you want to go...
--
I want OUT of this place. This place is a fucking travesty.
No. It's really not all that bad. Well, it's strange actually. It is and it isn't. I just want to start over and take a couple people with me for some healthy dose of sanity. Pittsburgh (or as locals call it 'da burgh') is a cute little town. The overlook is fun and there are nooks and crannies about the town (it's exactly like an English muffin except there is a butter lava melting over the nook and cranny goodness- maybe THAT'S what happened to Rankin...)
I had an awful Thanksgiving, thanks for asking. Actually, it wasn't awful- just quiet. It was Friday that turned out to be a wreck (oh!) I spent the day alone, ate a bowl of cereal, and did homework. I worked and did homework and got into a car accident on Friday. I'm okay, just kind of feeling disjointed. It's made me jumpy and my speech has been disconnected, rapid, and all over the place. Saturday and Sunday spent working and alone for the most part.
I haven't been online much or read any journals, myspaces,or the like because I have had this terrible, terrible headache lingering for the past couple days.
It happened in the Robinson area with Debbie and John. Tailgating is a bad idea for both parties. I was half-asleep, I remember my legs locking up
and as usual with wrecks I never heard a sound. I still need to learn how to drive. And my headache is for the most part gone. I really need to learn how to drive.
I really wish I had friends. It's a lame thing to say, because being independent is a cool thing and alright every once in awhile. it's also strange because I do and I don't. I wish I could go into much deeper context, but I can't. Everything's messy. I completely alienated pretty much everyone from Brecksville. I feel like a tool. A lot of people here have sort of thrown me to the backburner or can't stand to converse with me for more than a couple minutes. I had no idea I was a really awful person until this break and people gave me a nice piece of their mind. It's okay and it's not. Now I'm just rambling.
I do appreciate those I see every once in awhile. And I also appreciate those who put up with me in a time of crisis.
I've got slim pickings left around this area. How did I come to systematically destroy most of the good will I had not even six months ago? While I was in the downtown center today I wrote out a million apologies to every single person I have known. I was there for three hours. I should just be grateful to be alive and healthy and having food, but I want more. The lady who I talked to said "you just want love" and I told her "I don't need it, I just give it and no one wants it".
And I have been really strong for the past few weeks. I haven't talked or made a fuss. I haven't asked for anything, whether it be a couple bucks, some time off, or just to chat. I just go to work for 30 hours, school for 15 hours and spend the rest actively trying to make myself presentable and a better person.
So how long do I keep my mouth shut? From now on, forever. I'm not sure anymore if I am allowed to tell someone I'm having a bad day. I'm only supposed to be having "good" and "could be better" days.
I feel like sometimes that I write these things in a state of panic and for the most part, journal entries are an emotion at that particular second, most of the time once it's posted, it's gone and I'm alright. So you haven't seen much of me. I'm not sure you really want to and I'm not sure if I'm really okay with anyone seeing it.
I am also freaking out because our land lady is threatening to kick us out or call the health department because someone didn't clean up after his cat. I just want a place to live come next week that's all okay thanks. And if we are evicted, I am going to be homeless. Um. Awesome (by not being awesome at all.)
And here's some relatively good news. I'm supposedly making progress on overcoming mental diseases with cool little acronyms. I'm on task regarding school work. I'm looking at schools and places to transfer. I'm sick of mediocrity (but this country is so full of it, it's hard to outrun). My top choice for school is NYU or Princeton because they've always been in my dreams, the former for its city and the latter only for Toni Morrison teaching there. I love UofChicago, but it's not exactly feasible and apt for what I want to do. DePaul and Michigan are nice. And then there's Pitt. Which I wish didn't suck so hard right now.
I kind of want my teaching cert from PA because it has more rigorous requirements than other states and good rep. Oh who am I kidding, I'm just going to be a teacher, it's not that hard at all. But I want to be an awesome teacher. I want to be the teacher people remember. I'm so optimistic thinking I will change the world and some student's minds. I want to be meaningful to someone, I feel like through teaching I can be that. If I teach for 20 years and only one single solitary time someone says to me "I enjoyed having you as a teacher", I will be alright with that and satisfied with my life. If I got a mug with "A+ Teacher" from Goodwill as a present, I would even be okay with that and consider my life completely enriched and satisfied.
I am not a stunning beauty. I am not a talented, confident debater. I don't have an extensive body of knowledge on a particular subject. I'm not an artist, a singer, or a dancer. I'm not amazing at academics or being analytical. I'm certainly not the best friend.
I care deeply about things and people. Maybe if I had sooner or done it properly, I wouldn't be in this sort of predicament with every single person. I only really care about things or people that mean the most and are worth caring so greatly about, so sometimes I wonder if maybe that person was worth much to me. Caring can make me emotional and sometimes it's percieved in a negative way. I have a difficult time expressing it or I can't do it adequately at all. But, I think it's my only redeeming and wonderful quality. I have gorgeous brown eyes, but that doesn't amount to much or keep someone with you as your friend or signifcant other or whatever.
But through this lady, I am slowly making myself presentable, personable, and worthwhile. I still have a lot of difficulty forgiving myself and I still have days where I'm frustrated, but I'm not entirely hopeless anymore.
----
I hope if you care about someone, you tell them. I hope if you love someone, you tell them. It's not a car accident that made me think of this, it's just everything and everyone I've lost throughout life. I wish I had answers about greater meanings and significances, but truthfully, I don't think there is a higher calling or a greater meaning. I think life is just losing and loving people and you can't expect anything more. It's frightening and lonely and all we can do is our best. I really, really wish you a wonderful day.
--
I want OUT of this place. This place is a fucking travesty.
No. It's really not all that bad. Well, it's strange actually. It is and it isn't. I just want to start over and take a couple people with me for some healthy dose of sanity. Pittsburgh (or as locals call it 'da burgh') is a cute little town. The overlook is fun and there are nooks and crannies about the town (it's exactly like an English muffin except there is a butter lava melting over the nook and cranny goodness- maybe THAT'S what happened to Rankin...)
I had an awful Thanksgiving, thanks for asking. Actually, it wasn't awful- just quiet. It was Friday that turned out to be a wreck (oh!) I spent the day alone, ate a bowl of cereal, and did homework. I worked and did homework and got into a car accident on Friday. I'm okay, just kind of feeling disjointed. It's made me jumpy and my speech has been disconnected, rapid, and all over the place. Saturday and Sunday spent working and alone for the most part.
I haven't been online much or read any journals, myspaces,or the like because I have had this terrible, terrible headache lingering for the past couple days.
It happened in the Robinson area with Debbie and John. Tailgating is a bad idea for both parties. I was half-asleep, I remember my legs locking up
and as usual with wrecks I never heard a sound. I still need to learn how to drive. And my headache is for the most part gone. I really need to learn how to drive.
I really wish I had friends. It's a lame thing to say, because being independent is a cool thing and alright every once in awhile. it's also strange because I do and I don't. I wish I could go into much deeper context, but I can't. Everything's messy. I completely alienated pretty much everyone from Brecksville. I feel like a tool. A lot of people here have sort of thrown me to the backburner or can't stand to converse with me for more than a couple minutes. I had no idea I was a really awful person until this break and people gave me a nice piece of their mind. It's okay and it's not. Now I'm just rambling.
I do appreciate those I see every once in awhile. And I also appreciate those who put up with me in a time of crisis.
I've got slim pickings left around this area. How did I come to systematically destroy most of the good will I had not even six months ago? While I was in the downtown center today I wrote out a million apologies to every single person I have known. I was there for three hours. I should just be grateful to be alive and healthy and having food, but I want more. The lady who I talked to said "you just want love" and I told her "I don't need it, I just give it and no one wants it".
And I have been really strong for the past few weeks. I haven't talked or made a fuss. I haven't asked for anything, whether it be a couple bucks, some time off, or just to chat. I just go to work for 30 hours, school for 15 hours and spend the rest actively trying to make myself presentable and a better person.
So how long do I keep my mouth shut? From now on, forever. I'm not sure anymore if I am allowed to tell someone I'm having a bad day. I'm only supposed to be having "good" and "could be better" days.
I feel like sometimes that I write these things in a state of panic and for the most part, journal entries are an emotion at that particular second, most of the time once it's posted, it's gone and I'm alright. So you haven't seen much of me. I'm not sure you really want to and I'm not sure if I'm really okay with anyone seeing it.
I am also freaking out because our land lady is threatening to kick us out or call the health department because someone didn't clean up after his cat. I just want a place to live come next week that's all okay thanks. And if we are evicted, I am going to be homeless. Um. Awesome (by not being awesome at all.)
And here's some relatively good news. I'm supposedly making progress on overcoming mental diseases with cool little acronyms. I'm on task regarding school work. I'm looking at schools and places to transfer. I'm sick of mediocrity (but this country is so full of it, it's hard to outrun). My top choice for school is NYU or Princeton because they've always been in my dreams, the former for its city and the latter only for Toni Morrison teaching there. I love UofChicago, but it's not exactly feasible and apt for what I want to do. DePaul and Michigan are nice. And then there's Pitt. Which I wish didn't suck so hard right now.
I kind of want my teaching cert from PA because it has more rigorous requirements than other states and good rep. Oh who am I kidding, I'm just going to be a teacher, it's not that hard at all. But I want to be an awesome teacher. I want to be the teacher people remember. I'm so optimistic thinking I will change the world and some student's minds. I want to be meaningful to someone, I feel like through teaching I can be that. If I teach for 20 years and only one single solitary time someone says to me "I enjoyed having you as a teacher", I will be alright with that and satisfied with my life. If I got a mug with "A+ Teacher" from Goodwill as a present, I would even be okay with that and consider my life completely enriched and satisfied.
I am not a stunning beauty. I am not a talented, confident debater. I don't have an extensive body of knowledge on a particular subject. I'm not an artist, a singer, or a dancer. I'm not amazing at academics or being analytical. I'm certainly not the best friend.
I care deeply about things and people. Maybe if I had sooner or done it properly, I wouldn't be in this sort of predicament with every single person. I only really care about things or people that mean the most and are worth caring so greatly about, so sometimes I wonder if maybe that person was worth much to me. Caring can make me emotional and sometimes it's percieved in a negative way. I have a difficult time expressing it or I can't do it adequately at all. But, I think it's my only redeeming and wonderful quality. I have gorgeous brown eyes, but that doesn't amount to much or keep someone with you as your friend or signifcant other or whatever.
But through this lady, I am slowly making myself presentable, personable, and worthwhile. I still have a lot of difficulty forgiving myself and I still have days where I'm frustrated, but I'm not entirely hopeless anymore.
----
I hope if you care about someone, you tell them. I hope if you love someone, you tell them. It's not a car accident that made me think of this, it's just everything and everyone I've lost throughout life. I wish I had answers about greater meanings and significances, but truthfully, I don't think there is a higher calling or a greater meaning. I think life is just losing and loving people and you can't expect anything more. It's frightening and lonely and all we can do is our best. I really, really wish you a wonderful day.