The Official List of What I Look For in a Woman
1. Must be single (i. e. I am not a homewrecker)
2. Must speak spanish
3. Must be between the ages of 22 and 30
4. Must be willing to dress up like Carmen Sandiego
5. Must not be a Maryland fan
6. Must not be a ninja or blonde
7. Must have low standards and/or poor taste in men for obvious reasons
8. Must be Catholic or Protestant or maybe even Orthodox
9. Must be willing to have Samuel L. Jackson read 1 Corinthians 7.1-9* at our wedding if we ever get married
10. Must not be employed in the sex trade
11. Must be willing to convert to Italian
12. Must not smoke anything other than crack cocaine
13. Must have seen The Princess Bride prior to having made my acquaintance
*If Mr. Jackson isn't available that is ok. The important thing is that if I ever get married 1 Corinthians 7:1-9 will be read at my wedding no matter what, unless the Pope himself shows up with an official papal decree with his seal and signature to prohibit it.
But if you know anyone who meets the description keep it to yourself because I don't really want to know.