depression
matty and i were talking about love yesterday, and how painful it is. i'm starting to feel like maybe life is just a series of letdowns and the more you cut yourself off from people, the less life can hurt you. maybe the secret to happiness is believing that there's no such thing, and being satisfied that at least you know the truth.
there it is. there's the hatred i've been fighting off for the past four years in my futile attempts to pretend i'm happy. every single time i go to the doctor with a medical problem, they tell me it's in my head. my hands and feet are cold because i'm depressed. i'm tired all the time because i need therapy. well fuck, it's true. but there isn't anyone out there who can help me if the truth is that nobody gets to be happy.
i just want to be alone. well, i already am alone. i mean, i want to be able to be alone and not care that i'm alone. i want to tell my heart what my head already knows, so that i can stop letting myself be hurt by the thoughtlessness of others.
maybe you could all do me a favour, and tell me now if you don't want to be my friend. maybe it will make my life easier if i can sever out the ones who don't really care.
happy fucking new years, folks.