(no subject)
Today was not a good day.
I really haven't talked about this, although I haven't been feeling myself for a long time (think November). Maybe it's just the winter getting to me, with the shorter daylight and all, but I am definitely not doing well.
This winter I've been noticing that I spend increasingly large amounts of time in a state of nearly complete apathy. Before Christmas I thought that it was just because I'd spent so much time on schoolwork that I got out of touch with my social side and needed a break, but now I've had plenty of break and I'm still in this funk.
I've also noticed that I have much more social anxiety than I did before. On Friday I went to EE Burritos to meet a few people from salsa, but when I got there the only two people I knew were dancing with each other (not noticing me), and instead of waiting around until they stopped to hang out with them, I left. It wasn't a choice, I just couldn't stand wandering around a crowded restaurant with the people staring at me and I felt so overwhelmed that I had to leave. I hate the phone. I still really enjoy spending time with friends in smaller groups, but can't mingle in larger ones.
In the past month or so all this has intensified, so much so that it's affecting my schoolwork. I didn't go to class today, because I had two assignments due that I hadn't finished. Moreover, I initially justified my absence with the large amount of work I have left to do, but ended up spending the whole day doing nothing at all.
I worked a lot during reading week, and I'm glad. Work has been sort of the one thing that hasn't gone wrong... although I'm not quite as energetic and upbeat as I used to be, I still do the work well and happily. I enjoy it. In fact, I seem to look forward to work even more than I did, simply because it's familiar and pleasant and shakes me out of my chronic rut.
Maybe all of this is because of winter, and because I haven't been getting outside enough, or getting enough exercise. I don't know. But I really hope that I find a way to get my life moving again, because I feel awful. I feel like someone else, you know? I used to be consistently happy... the odd thing would put me in a bad mood, but my default state was cheerful.
Now it seems like my default mood is apathetic and seclusionary, and although a few things here or there lift me out of it (eg. my new computer, which still is snazzy), I inevitably sink back in once the novelty wears off. I end up avoiding most of my life. I miss... wanting things really badly, or even hating things. I'm worried about my school term - I know that if I can pull myself back together now-ish, I can salvage it and do pretty well, but if I can't then I'm screwed. How will it look if the last term or two of my degree show a sudden plummet of marks? Worse, what if I no longer have the desire to follow my chosen career path, even if I could?
*sigh* Okay, posting this was good. I've been, predictably, avoiding making this post for a few months. I'm going to make this post the start of getting better. Immediately after posting this I'm going to clean my room and organize myself, making a list of things that I need to accomplish, academically and otherwise. Then I'm going to schedule the highest-priority things into the next few days, leaving out lower-priority things because I know that if I over-schedule myself, nothing will get done.
What I need to do this week:
1. Walk to school every day and attend every class.
2. Finish and hand in 322 assignment.
3. Do 386 assignment and hand in on Thursday.
4. Study for and write 322 midterm.
5. Do and hand in Physics assignment and prepare for lab.
6. Miss band to make more time.
This weekend:
1. Finish and hand in both 381 assignments.
Okay. Wish me luck!
I really haven't talked about this, although I haven't been feeling myself for a long time (think November). Maybe it's just the winter getting to me, with the shorter daylight and all, but I am definitely not doing well.
This winter I've been noticing that I spend increasingly large amounts of time in a state of nearly complete apathy. Before Christmas I thought that it was just because I'd spent so much time on schoolwork that I got out of touch with my social side and needed a break, but now I've had plenty of break and I'm still in this funk.
I've also noticed that I have much more social anxiety than I did before. On Friday I went to EE Burritos to meet a few people from salsa, but when I got there the only two people I knew were dancing with each other (not noticing me), and instead of waiting around until they stopped to hang out with them, I left. It wasn't a choice, I just couldn't stand wandering around a crowded restaurant with the people staring at me and I felt so overwhelmed that I had to leave. I hate the phone. I still really enjoy spending time with friends in smaller groups, but can't mingle in larger ones.
In the past month or so all this has intensified, so much so that it's affecting my schoolwork. I didn't go to class today, because I had two assignments due that I hadn't finished. Moreover, I initially justified my absence with the large amount of work I have left to do, but ended up spending the whole day doing nothing at all.
I worked a lot during reading week, and I'm glad. Work has been sort of the one thing that hasn't gone wrong... although I'm not quite as energetic and upbeat as I used to be, I still do the work well and happily. I enjoy it. In fact, I seem to look forward to work even more than I did, simply because it's familiar and pleasant and shakes me out of my chronic rut.
Maybe all of this is because of winter, and because I haven't been getting outside enough, or getting enough exercise. I don't know. But I really hope that I find a way to get my life moving again, because I feel awful. I feel like someone else, you know? I used to be consistently happy... the odd thing would put me in a bad mood, but my default state was cheerful.
Now it seems like my default mood is apathetic and seclusionary, and although a few things here or there lift me out of it (eg. my new computer, which still is snazzy), I inevitably sink back in once the novelty wears off. I end up avoiding most of my life. I miss... wanting things really badly, or even hating things. I'm worried about my school term - I know that if I can pull myself back together now-ish, I can salvage it and do pretty well, but if I can't then I'm screwed. How will it look if the last term or two of my degree show a sudden plummet of marks? Worse, what if I no longer have the desire to follow my chosen career path, even if I could?
*sigh* Okay, posting this was good. I've been, predictably, avoiding making this post for a few months. I'm going to make this post the start of getting better. Immediately after posting this I'm going to clean my room and organize myself, making a list of things that I need to accomplish, academically and otherwise. Then I'm going to schedule the highest-priority things into the next few days, leaving out lower-priority things because I know that if I over-schedule myself, nothing will get done.
What I need to do this week:
1. Walk to school every day and attend every class.
2. Finish and hand in 322 assignment.
3. Do 386 assignment and hand in on Thursday.
4. Study for and write 322 midterm.
5. Do and hand in Physics assignment and prepare for lab.
6. Miss band to make more time.
This weekend:
1. Finish and hand in both 381 assignments.
Okay. Wish me luck!