so now i am back, and there is a lot i want to say. a lot about greenness, and missing everyone here, but now there, and finding myself alone on winding roads without streetlights but with thousands of fireflies. and about people, so many new faces, and looking out for me when i needed it, and making up names for the printshop mice and stacking up ( Read more... )

i see all of these fireflies and all the time i'm trying to make them into freeways and streetlamps and helicopter searchlights.

it is strange to think that in a week i will be back in los angeles, strange to know that all of this is mine for now.

i just wrote something that got deleted, but know this ( Read more... )

four more days and i'm gone. i'm getting more excited than freaky outie, maybe because my days are so filled with nothing now, that i can sit on this couch and imagine myself there, building little brain bridges from here to there that don't involve panic in the studio. but there's something still lonely in it, in waiting and being my own company ( Read more... )

i'm looking forward, hoping there's a time when seeing my mom doesn't result in her telling me she's got another life-threatening illness. it was lupus first. now it's thyroid cancer. soon it will be an operation on the vertebrae in her neck. just stop it already. and i know there's never a good time, but, fuck, now wasn't anywhere near close. and ( Read more... )

so. i'll be home, also known as el pueblo de nuestra senora la reina de los angeles de poriuncula, from late tonight until late sunday night. it will probably be the only time i'm home this summer. i'd say call me, but my phone is being stupid, so send me a text message if you want to, i don't know, maybe we could go get a cup of coffee, if you

brushing my teeth in a bathroom whose sink almost comes up to my waist but not quite, it hit me that i'm never going back to that apartment again. i don't do change well, but i thought i should be sad about it. i'm too tired to be sad, and i put up with too much homophobia & eating disorder nonsense in that house to feel the loss of the friendships ( Read more... )

i wouldn't spend half an hour sobbing because i slept through my favorite class. but i love ralph, and i love all the people around me, especially sergio and martin, who probably don't even know how important they are to me. and after this we only have two, and then one, and then and then.

and then?

oh god.

i want to be able to sleep and breathe and dig my feet into the sand without feeling guilty. because when i have so much to do, so so much, i can feel it all in my head big and getting bigger with so many obligations and expectations. i want to be able to freeze time and keep it in the fridge for safe keeping, i can drink it when i need it and ( Read more... )

i have become
the bag lady
that your mother
warned you not
to fall in
love with. (how
lucky you are
such a good
listener.)