Underneath these Firelights
vii. something in your gaze
She wakes up to her phone ringing, quickly rolls herself out of bed. The space beside her is empty, unsurprisingly. Effy doesn’t spend a lot of time sleeping.
“Yes?”
“Katie, it’s me. I need your help.” Sometimes, she wishes her sister would call for any other reason.
“What’s the matter?” she says instead.
“I’m fat. And nothing I have fits me.”
“And you’re just now noticing?”
“Well, we spent Christmas here but Gina’s giving a party tonight and I really don’t want to look like the woman who can’t even loose her weight again.” There’s more to this story, Katie’s sure. Emily’s not vain where Naomi is not concerned. She’ll get that part later, though.
“I’ll be over”, she checks her watch, considers the time she should need. Her sister has no need to know that she could be there in less than twenty minutes. “I’ll be over in two hours. You fucking owe me.”
“Thank you, Katie.”
“And bring her, at least. I want to see my niece again.” She adores Leila, who’s utterly beautiful and smart and thankfully (and this is the first time she’s actually truly glad her sister’s gay) nothing like Naomi. Instead, she’s the picture-image of Emily. It hurts less than she thought it would, looking at what could have been her child. She didn’t expect it not to be painful, but it isn’t, not really. When she handed Leila back to Emily in the labour ward, she understood so many things. She’s long accepted who she is, now. It’s not perfect, but then, she wonders if it was ever going to be. Besides, other things matter, she thinks as Effy walks into the room, her hair artfully messed up, wearing a half-open bathrobe. She looks rather fucking beautiful.
“Brought you breakfast.”
She doesn’t suppress her groan. “Well, it’s your kitchen”, she trails of.
Effy smiles (slightly) and hands over a bowl of fruit and a cup of coffee. “Even I can’t mess this up.”
“I’m glad to see I taught you something”; she replies and hopes desperately that Effy won’t notice the slightest tinge of red she can feel spreading over her body. This is nothing, she reminds herself, reciting the lines that have become a mantra during the last months. Friends. Friends with benefits. Never in love, but always safe. She’s not going to become the fucking cliché who couldn’t even go through with some shagging. It’s never been a problem (except that she cares, too much, for too long).
“Come back to bed”, she requests instead. This is no solution, she’s well ware, but she finds it impossible to resist the hidden smiles and blue eyes on her friend’s (because that’s what she is) face.
“Who called?” Effy asks as she abandons the bathrobe on the floor, lets Katie take in her revealed body. (She still looks so fucking beautiful.)
“Emily. Shopping. Two hours.” Soft lips on her neck and a naked beauty on top of her aren’t going to make her elaborate. Her hands reach out for Effy’s sides, flip her over carefully (tenderly, almost).
Effy lights up, the way she always does, afterwards, but Katie resists slipping the cigarette out from between her lips. Emily will notice, and she’s simply not interested in that particular confrontation. She won’t always understand the things important to Emily, who lives her life with clear lines and beautiful morals, but it no longer matters. It hasn’t for a long time.
“Looking forward to the next year?” Effy questions, and Katie knows that- with Effy- it’s so much more than a simple question. Are you doing okay? Will you still cry at night, this year? Are you healed?
She smiles, because if she would answer any of these, her replies would be so much better than she ever thought. “I have a job offer”, is what she says, though.
Breathe, Inhale, Exhale. Katie’s voice fills the silence. “I was doing a wedding for some corporate guy like, two months ago. Is fiancée was a real bitch, but she was pregnant and he kind of felt obligated. He’s sweet though, apologising all the time for her. Anyway, we pulled it off and she was actually happy. He was so fucking grateful, it was hilarious. He wrote me before Christmas, said they want to open a branch for event management. He wants me to do it.”
“Impressive.” (Has she always smiled like this?)
“It might be good. We’ve got a new girl at my mum’s, and weddings were never that much my thing”, she shrugs. Effy understands, knows the cruel twist of fate this job she had to take because her mother couldn’t afford to take anyone on was.
“You should.”
She feels her face light up at the support, and feels a slight stab of fear at the next news she’ll have to announce. Don’t over-think, she reminds herself. “I’d have to move, though”, she comments.
Raised eyebrows. “Where?” She wonders, for seconds, if Effy would care, if she said something now, Paris or Berlin or Edinburgh. “London.”
“Nice.”
There’s nothing more to be said on the subject as Katie gets out of bed, reaches for her bra hanging on the chair. “Seen my knickers?”
“Sofa. I’m hurt you don’t remember.” Their shared laughter is all the reassurance she needs, for now.
Emily’s not fat, per se, Katie decides, just exhausted and well, a bit motherly. It kind of suits her.
“I just feel horrible”, she explains. “All bloated and lazy. I wanted to start working again, from home, for a bit, ‘round now, but when Leila cries all night, I don’t even want to get up in the mornings.”
“Naomi not helping?”
Emily shrugs. “She tries, honestly. Don’t look at me like that, Kay. But it’s not exactly like she doesn’t have a full-time job.”
“Let’s find you something to wear”, Katie smiles. “Something with cleavage. With another of these”, she nods her head at the girl Emily’s pushing in front of her “your tits might become almost as good as mine.”
Emily slaps her, but at least she’s laughing again. Katie understands more when Emily (casually) mentions one of Naomi’s co-workers, coming tonight. She hides it well, but Katie knows her twin, knows she wouldn’t mention that someone was “rather good-looking” for no reason. She vows to talk to her sister-in-law. Naomi mightn’t have cheated, not in years at least, but she’s rather stupid about some things. So, she tells her sister to mention before she runs off with the girl and hands her a black, dipping dress.
“Kind of short”, Emily comments, and Katie rolls her eyes.
“You’re not Jenna just because you have a kid. Might as well give Campbell something to look at.” It’s sad, that this is all the convincing her sister needs. There are upsides to avoiding relationships, after all. Katie takes Leila from Emily’s hands as she walks to the changing rooms, browses the shelves with her niece. Someone has to teach the poor girl a bit of fashion sense. Her eyes linger on something silver and glittery, and just for the heck of it, she drapes it over the arm Leila is not occupying. Her sister comes back with a pleased smile and Katie replies in kind. She does look rather lovely.
“Take your kid”, she says. “I want to try this on.” She deserves it, she decides. And she’ll accept the job offer. It might be time to stop atoning for sins she never really committed. Besides, they’ve done well. Her mother can pay someone proper, nowadays. And London is a lovely city.
Sharply, she pulls off her blouse, forcing herself not to elaborate on that last line, no to think about its residents. She slips into the dress just as Emily pulls the curtains open.
“Zip me up?” she requests, turning away from her sister. It’s only when she hears Emily’s sound of surprise and sees her own image reflected in the mirror that she remembers. Her sister’s hand carefully touches her back. “I rather hope you’re shagging someone, because otherwise I’d be rather worried about you.”
She twists towards the mirror, unthinking that this will reveal the bite mark Effy left on her breast (now amply shown of in the dress) last night. She fights down a blush, shakes her head. “I guess I’m not buying this one.”
“Who? Do I know him? Why haven’t you said anything?”
“It really isn’t any of your fucking business, Em.”
“You’re my sister. I’m allowed to ask, at least.”
“Thankfully, I’m not required to answer.”
Emily sighs, softly, and Katie can see the hurt in her eyes. Stupid, she curses herself, fucking idiotic being caught out like this. She doesn’t want to lie to her sister, but the truth is far too complicated to reveal it, so her eyes, meeting Emily’s in the mirror, remain cold.
Her sister shrugs at last. “Alright then.” She’ll let it go. “Change of subject, then. Is Effy coming tonight?”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know. I’m not her fucking keeper.” Her voice is more violent than she has planned and seconds later, Leila cries loudly. Emily quickly reaches down to soother daughter. “It’s fine, baby, everything’s okay. Your Aunt Katie just needs her hearing checked.” Slowly, Leila’s wails subside and Emily faces her sister. “You’re old enough to shag whomever you want to, but last I enquired Effy was your friend. You don’t always have to be such a bitch.”
Sometimes, she considers her sister a self-righteous cow. Right now for example. She mumbles “sorry” anyway, because it seems like an easy way out of this. Except now Emily’s staring at her and Katie desperately hopes that she isn’t blushing. They didn’t call her sister the clever one for nothing though, as much as she hates to admit that. Besides, even Emily has grown up. A bit.
“Katie. Just for the record and my personal conscience, tell me you are not fucking shagging Effy Stonem.” Sometimes, she hates being a twin. Even being a rather accomplished liar (and she is), it’s always been difficult to fool Emily.
“Should you be talking like that in front of your precious child?”
“It’s a lost cause anyway. Have you met Naomi? Just say no quickly and we can ignore this.”
“It really is none of your business, Em.”
Her sister’s eyes (so similar, so different) are knowing. “You are, then. Wow.”
“Does it matter?” She feels weak, weaker than she’s felt in months. She sees that Emily really has changed when her sister shakes her head, walks out. “I’ll go buy the dress. You might need something a bit more covering, though.”
They get coffee (latte for Emily, black for Katie), because she can’t very well say no. Emily carefully puts Leila to rest, settles down in one of the fashionable lounge chairs. “I owe Naomi twenty pounds.”
“Pardon?”
“When we’d figured we’d sent the two of you to a cottage in the middle of nowhere, she bet me you’d have to start shagging out of sheer boredom.”
Katie laughs, feels her tense limbs relax. “Will you get off if we started before then?”
A flicker of surprise. “Might be worth a try. Are you going to elaborate on any of this?”
“We’re just friends.”
Emily stares. “And here I thought Effy and I were just friends. Naoms won’t be pleased to know what that entails.”
“Cow. Friends who shag.”
“How long?”
Katie thinks, considers. “Year after college. Seven years. Not like, regulary.” (Except for the last year or two.)
“You could have said something.”
“Why? It’s not important. Besides, I was such a bitch to you back then.”
“I do think you’ve been forgiven for that a long time ago.” Something strange surges through her as she hears her sister speak the words. She didn’t think it would be important, but it is. “You know that, right?” Emily continues. Katie nods. Now she does, and that’s what matters.
“What about what’s-his-name? George?”
Katie blushes, feels ashamed rather violently. “I never said I was a fucking good person.” Emily condemns cheating, says she knows that kind of pain and doesn’t wish it on anyone. Naomi never comments. She’s glad therefore, when her only reply is a faint frown. It seems that for once, everything else going on is sufficiently distracting. “I might be kind of in shock. I mean, I know Effy shags anything that moves, but you and her...Well, I didn’t really think so.” At least some part of her sister remains a tactless idiot then. She really can’t think about Effy with anyone else, though. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Look, I didn’t mean it that way.” And then, in a much quieter, more subdued voice Emily adds. “You care.”
She looks away, unable to face this shifted image of herself Emily presents (married, mother, far too smart). Something changes and Emily’s clasping her hand between two of her own, whispers “I’m sorry”.
Katie shakes her head, attempting to regain at least some composure. Emily lets her. They stay for two more hours before braving the drive back to Bristol. Naomi’s left already, Emily explains, wanting to spend some time with Gina. They pick Effy up on the way, and Katie thanks the gods and Emily that her sister doesn’t make a simple comment as Katie drives and the two others talk about babies and shit.
Emily asks where Effy will be staying, if she still has the house.
She sees a nod in the rearview mirror. “I’ve been thinking about selling though, getting something nice here. There’s not much keeping me in Bristol anymore.” Their eyes meet, only for a second. Katie’s glad that she won’t have to say anything listens to Emily’s reply instead. Though it went well, considering everything, she’s still glad to be out of this situation.
She lingers amongst friend of Gina’s, friends of Emily’s, some people from work she invited. Shortly after eleven, she corners her sister-in-law.
“Listen, Campbell, I know you’re all clever and stuff, but like, sometimes you’re not.”
Naomi raises her eyebrows. “Am I missing something?”
“Emily made me stand up at eight o’clock this morning to buy her a dress because she felt like she had to look nice. I’m assuming it’s for you. So just like, be nice, or whatever it is you she likes about you.”
When Naomi raises her eyebrows with a short “really, Katie? Here?”
“Don’t you guys like have a meaningful and deep relationship?”
They leave it at that.
At midnight, she finds Effy- alone in the kitchen while everyone is outside in the garden, leaning against the counter, smoking. She stands in the doorway for a second, watches. Her hair’s wavy tonight, falling easily around her shoulders, her face bare, her dress almost hitting mid-thigh. There’s something in her eyes though, that Katie can’t quite place. She looks almost alive.
“Staring?”
“You’re selling the house?”
“New year, new beginning. Are you taking the job?”
Katie nods, once. “Happy Fucking New Year”, an unknown male voice screams. Drunk.
Effy is across the room with a single movement and before she knows it, soft lips brush over hers, just once. “Good”, she whispers. Outside, the sky is on fire.
viii. love in your eyes
She’s cold. It’s almost dark outside, and she hasn’t figured out how to pull down the deck of Effy’s stupid cabrio. She strongly disliked (fucking hated) it from the first time she saw it, and she’s at least been proven right now. The streets are empty at least; everyone long disappeared to family parties, celebrations with friend or dinners with the company. She doesn’t mind that, at least. She’s no longer the person she once was, and some things in life do change. Dim streetlights show her the way, one which she supposes she should know better. This is her home town, after all.
Bristol’s pier is more than far enough away from London, but it’s the only place she can think of still left to look. She’s searched the city and the flat, visited the house Effy sold and wondered why she’d left. She’s worried, obviously. Perhaps Effy’s perfectly fine, of shagging some bloke and will be terribly annoyed at the inference. If however, she’s out alone at night or overdosing in some club, trying to find her would be worth it. Therefore, she’s cruised through London and now through Bristol for the best part of the evening. She sees the smoke rising up softly before she recognises the slim figure sitting on the pier, smiles softly in relief.
She stops the car where it’s clearly forbidden, turns the engine of with a silent curse. It sounds rather pained. Once she’s managed to get out, at last, there are only a couple of steps left. She walks carefully, taken care not to slip on the red pencil heels.
“Next time, leave a fucking note”, she comments as she slides down on the cold wooden boards of the pier, grateful that she hasn’t yet changed from jeans to the dress she’d originally planned on wearing. “It’s freezing by the way.” She doesn’t expect a reply, not really. Things might have changed and improved, even, but Effy’s still Effy. Secretly, she might not want it any other way. “Give me one of those, at least”, is what she says next and Effy lights up a second cigarette carefully, hands it over without looking. They smoke in silence.
The minutes pass. She estimates that there’s about half an hour left to another year when Effy speaks. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She thinks about saying you didn’t, but it’d be a fucking transparent lie.”I’ve been thinking”; the other girl (in theory, they’re women by now) continues. “About promises.”
“Promises?” She ignores the cold shiver that runs down her spine at the words.
“No one ever keeps them. Freddie promised he’d always be there for me. My mother promised she’d stay and stop drinking. Tony said he’d come visit.”
Her heart aches for the beauty next to her, for the pain that’s still there, even if it’s lessened. She doesn’t expect Effy to turn to her when she places a comforting hand on her arm, tries to ignore that she, too, has broken a promise. Surely, that isn’t what this is about. She is masterful at deception, has put all her effort into hiding things she may feel. It’s not been easy, during the past year. They don’t live far apart- and their lives have, by now, become interwoven in so many ways. It’s been a good year, filled with laughter and joy. There’s been no hospital or psychiatry visits. She’s finally found a job where she can actually relax. Her sister has been silent about things Katie prefers not to deal with. Still, she can’t help the fear that creeps up inside her. She’s adjusted to the way things arer. They’re friends now, friends who care, and friends who shag.
“You’ve held all your promises, Katie.” The words blind her, turn her mute and unable to speak. What’s there to say? She feels like a liar for not confessing. She barely hears the next words out of Effy’s mouth, spoken in a gentle voice and much more quietly, maybe not even meant for her ears.”But I wish you wouldn’t.”
She lets her cigarette fall onto the wood, watches it being gracefully swept away by the wind. “Ef”, she begins but stumbles over her words, stares into piercing blue. For once, she feels speechless, tumbling in a spiral of anxiety and confusion.
“I’ve only ever promised you one thing.”
Her smile seems sad, Katie thinks, as Effy replies. “I know. And you kept it.” She doesn’t thinks she’s ever been this scared. Her heart feels like it’s clenching and being forcefully ripped out of her body. This can’t be going where it seems to go, right now. She considers lying, which would be safe way out, a good way. The word drips from her lips, forcing itself forward. “No.”
Effy Stonem is many things, but stupid has never been one of them. Her gaze fixes on Katie entirely now, stares her down and melts her soul. She’s never felt so fucking naked. A single hand brushes brunette locks out of her face. “You promised you’d never fall in love with me.”
She feels the violent burn of colour on her face. “Everyone falls in love with you. Stop blaming me.” It sounds so much more confident than she feels.
“Is it the same?”
“Bit hard for me to say, don’t you think?” She knows she’s being a bitch, but nothing, no one, has ever prepared her for a situation like this.
Besides, Effy seems irrationally calm right now. “I don’t think it is.”
“You don’t believe in love.”
“I never said I knew everything.”
“Why? Why now?”
“It’s been eight years, Katie. Do you remember? And I have to stop pretending at some point.”
She feels blind-sighted, dizzy and exhausted as she lets her head fall down atop her knees slowly, stares at Effy and feels like she’s seeing her again, or maybe for the first time. She’s not quite sure when things shifted and changed to this, when she started caring for Effy and falling for her. It’s happened though, and she’s put up a valiant fight, trying to act normal, to not destroy what they have.
“What do you want, Effy?”
A soft smile. “I don’t want to destroy you.”
“You’ve healed me. You wouldn’t destroy me. I haven't broken that part.” It’s the truth. “It’s midnight”, she whispers when she hears the bells of the nearest church chime.
She feels herself freeze when she looks up into Effy’s eyes, into need, want and something she’s never dared place before. Love. Their kiss is familiar, but she’s never quite felt this way. Everything’s changed, moved and shifted- she’s glad for all of that. Her arms wrap around Effy’s body, and she pulls her closer.
“I love you, Katie, I do”, Effy whispers and at last, finally, she allows herself to fall.
They won’t ever be perfect. She doesn’t even want that any longer, is exhilarated at what she has.
Above them, the sky explodes into a violent mixture of brightened lights.