The Way I Loved You
Title: The Way I Loved You
Rating: PG13
Pairing: YamaJima, AriYama
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: Sometimes Yamada can't help but remember..
Notes: This is going to be long-ish so yeah. Songfic based on the song by Taylor Swift. The flashbacks are in italics. It might get a bit dragging and confusing so sorry for that. This is sort of experimental. XD Screw the two links for the cut. X3 Anyway, this is for yatsuiko_chan & sono01ayaka who are both my beloved betas & aishi07 ..
“Yuto!!”
Yuto ignores that voice as he runs through the rain.
“Get back here!”
Yuto stops in his tracks and runs his fingers through his wet hair. He doesn’t want to hear anything anymore. He was sick of it.
“I’m not done talking to you,” Yamada says. He spins the taller boy around. “Wait.”
Yuto feels the lump in his throat and almost chokes on his words. Yamada stares at him with pleading eyes. Yuto opens his mouth to say something but then turns away instead.
“Please, I’m sorry,” Yamada begs.
“You’re always sorry. I hate it,” Yuto replies.
Yamada flinches at the word hate.
“I love you,” Yamada says.
Yuto’s eyes begin to water but he shakes his head and stares up at the dark sky. “So?” He replies. And he doesn’t need to turn around to see Yamada’s eyes brimming with tears. He doesn’t move as he hears Yamada run.
And Yamada can’t see where he’s going in the blurry mess of tears and rain. All he knows is he wants to get away from Yuto. And Yamada falls onto the ground. He screams. And everything inside of him breaks into shards of hurt. He becomes dizzy as those shards cut him. And he feels as if he’s bleeding. And he screams again. And in the months to come it’s this scene that replays in his head whenever he’s told to act distraught.
And he just continues to cry..and then he hears a distant voice.
“Yamada.”
Yamada curls into a ball and suddenly feels warmth.
“Yamada, wake up,” The voice says.
And he opens his eyes and sees that it had stopped raining. He’s dry.
“Yamada,” The voice says again. And the world begins to shake and he is confused. Then Yamada blinks as the world comes into focus.
“Yamada, it’s time to go home now,” Daiki says smiling at the younger boy.
Yamada shakes his grogginess away and stares at his best friend. His boyfriend. Both.
“You okay?” Daiki asks. Yamada nods in reply. “Had a weird dream,” He mumbles.
Daiki laughs. “You are so cute when you’re half-awake.”
Yamada feels the older boy’s hand messing with his hair. Yamada smiles. Daiki pulls the sleepy boy up and Yamada looks for his bag. Daiki holds it up.
“I got it for you,” Daiki says. Yamada feels touched by the small gesture. Daiki was such a gentleman.
“Thanks.”
And when Daiki holds door open for him as they leave the building he sees people stare.
So Daiki walks him home and as they walk Daiki tells him about something he can’t hear because Yamada’s thoughts are drifting off to his former best friend again.
“Stop dragging me around. Just because you’re taller doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want with me,” Yamada snaps.
Yuto ignores him and practically skips into the busy streets.
“Where are you taking me anyway?” Yamada asks, adjusting his hat. “I need to be home.”
Yuto snickers. “What are you, five? Live a little.”
Yamada pouts. Yuto continues to maneuver around the busy streets filled with people. They end up window shopping and making fun of random people that would pass buy. Then Yuto would go on about something and Yamada would only half-listen.
“Are you listening to me?” Yuto would ask.
“What?” Yamada would reply.
Then Yuto would roll his eyes and whack Yamada’s head. Yamada would whine and then they’d both start giggling.
“So where did you want to take me anyway?” Yamada asks.
“Nowhere,” Yuto replies. “Anywhere. I just wanted to be with you.”
Yamada starts laughing so loudly Yuto needs to drag him away before anyone notices them.
“Sap,” Yamada says.
“What?” Daiki says. And he snaps out of it.
“Hm?” Yamada replies.
“What’s wrong with you?” Daiki asks in a worried voice. “You seem distracted. Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah. I’m just tired,” Yamada says faking a smile.
They walk home in silence. It’s not awkward at all because Daiki’s hand is in his and Yamada feels safe. They arrive at home and Yamada’s family welcomes them both. Daiki was like an adopted family member. He ate dinner there from time to time. Yamada’s family adored Daiki. He didn’t blame them. Daiki was fun to have around.
“I should go change first,” Yamada says, excusing himself. The older boy follows after him.
When they get to the room Daiki sits on Yamada’s bed as he changes shirts. Yamada grins when he sees Daiki flipping through a magazine. Daiki doesn’t even watch him. He respected Yamada’s privacy. Even if Yamada knows it’s a little hard he appreciates his effort.
As he slips on his shirt he turns around. And watches the boy on his bed.
“What are you staring at?” Yamada asks as he sees Yuto’s grin.
“Nothing,” Yuto says not even trying to act innocent.
“Perv. Don’t stare at me while I’m changing. It’s embarrassing,” Yamada mumbles.
“Why not? You can shamelessly show off your body to hundreds of screaming fans and yet you can’t change in front of me?”
“It’s different,” Yamada whines.
“How is that different?” Yuto asks walking closer to Yamada and poking the boy’s cheek.
“Because hundreds of screaming fans aren’t in my room,” Yamada replies. And he blushes when Yuto kisses his neck.
“And hundreds of screaming fans can’t molest you like this,” Yuto says.
“Stop it, Yuto.” Yamada whines.
“Stop.”
Daiki looks up at Yamada. “Stop what?”
Yamada blinks. “What?”
“You sure are out of it today,” Daiki says. And Yamada sits down beside Daiki and wonders why Yuto keeps popping up in his head.
“Are you sure Satomi didn’t punch you too much? I mean I know it’s fake and all but I think your brain got dragged off and stored in a chest of gold by a bunch of pirates that live under the sea because even if I’m talking nonsense you’re still not listening to me,” Daiki says.
“Sure,” Yamada says blankly.
Then he feels Daiki kiss him. And Yamada feels happy when he does. Because Daiki is gentle with him. He forgets Yuto for a second. And when they break apart he hears a sigh.
“I’ll be downstairs,” Daiki says.
Yamada watches him leave and he’s not surprised when he feels no urge to stop him from walking away. If it had been Yuto he’d probably start whining.
And now Yamada thinks he’s being unfair to his boyfriend. Daiki was the something close to perfection. And yet Yamada couldn’t help comparing him to Yuto. Yuto was crazy and harsh and obsessive and moody and beautiful.
Yuto was imperfect. And Yamada loved him for it. He misses their late night calls and fights and kisses and the memories. Yuto taught him how to feel. And Yamada feels a small ache in him.
And this makes Yamada get up and run down the stairs.
He’s shocked to see Daiki standing there in the doorway. He looks into Daiki’s eyes and before he can say anything-
“Do what you have to do,” Daiki says. And Daiki watches Yamada run out the door, hoping with all his heart that Yamada will return to him. Yamada doesn’t understand how or why but he just runs without knowing where. And it’s by some twisted intervention of fate that he bumps into Yuto.
“Watch it,” Yuto says with a smirk.
Yamada mumbles an apology and realizes who he’s bumped into. Yamada looks up at Yuto. And for a second Yamada’s heart dies. And he feels a rush of emotions building up.
“What were you running for? Did you finally decide to lose weight?” Yuto says with a fake gasp.
“Shut up.”
“Make me,” Yuto replies instantly.
And this makes Yamada smile.
“I was looking for you because I just wanted..I just wanted to say hi,” Yamada says.
Yuto waves a hand in front of the older boy’s face. “Hi.”
And Yamada doesn’t know why he feels better. It feels like meeting Yuto all over again.
And at that moment, Yamada thinks they’ll never be back together, but Yamada can’t imagine his life without Nakajima Yuto. All he knows is he wants Yuto in his life. That he loved him once and that he always will in some way. That their love was something you couldn’t put into words.
And Yamada thinks Daiki will understand even if Yamada doesn’t understand himself right now. His thoughts swirl around in his head making him dizzy.
“Um so what now?” Yuto asks the older boy who seems to be lost in thought.
Yamada blinks repeatedly. “I think I need to g-go home. Daiki’s waiting for me.”
Yuto just smiles like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “Want me to walk you home?”
“Are you going to drag me around like you did last time?” Yamada says laughing.
“Not this time, Yama-chan. This time I’m just going walk you home. But before that I want to give you something,” Yuto says.
“Is this going to be a rubber insect, some ticket to a cheesy movie, or are you going to kiss me?” Yamada guesses.
Yuto moves closer and just before their lips touch- “The last one of course.”
And when Yuto kisses him his senses are on fire and he suddenly wishes he could stay like this forever.
Then Yamada feels those same lips on his. And he trembles. And Yuto sees Yamada’s glassy eyes burn. And Yamada doesn’t know what to do, so he closes his eyes and gives in. Then Yuto stops.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself,” Yuto says pathetically. “I won’t do that again. I swear. And I’ll just shut up and walk you home now.”
And then Yamada laughs. He just laughs and this time Yuto doesn’t stop him. And he can’t help but smile.
And Yamada thinks his relationship with Yuto will always be messed up.
And deep inside he feels a little guilty. Just a bit.
But Yamada knows he loves Daiki. And in the end, he’ll be in his arms, not Yuto’s.
But the way he loved Yuto was something special.
And nothing and no one could ever change that.
“Hey do you think we can still be friends even after we break up?” Yamada mutters.
And Yuto looks up at the sky. “Probably.”
“Even if you find someone else?” Yamada asks playing with his fingers.
“Of course,” Yuto replies. “We’ll always be best friends.”
“Maybe a little more than that,” Yamada says.
“You mean like super best friends?” Yuto says jokingly.
“No, idiot,” Yamada says rolling his eyes.
“Then what?” Yuto says turning to look at Yamada.
And this time Yamada looks away and laughs softly to himself.
“We’ll be us.”
Rating: PG13
Pairing: YamaJima, AriYama
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: Sometimes Yamada can't help but remember..
Notes: This is going to be long-ish so yeah. Songfic based on the song by Taylor Swift. The flashbacks are in italics. It might get a bit dragging and confusing so sorry for that. This is sort of experimental. XD Screw the two links for the cut. X3 Anyway, this is for yatsuiko_chan & sono01ayaka who are both my beloved betas & aishi07 ..
“Yuto!!”
Yuto ignores that voice as he runs through the rain.
“Get back here!”
Yuto stops in his tracks and runs his fingers through his wet hair. He doesn’t want to hear anything anymore. He was sick of it.
“I’m not done talking to you,” Yamada says. He spins the taller boy around. “Wait.”
Yuto feels the lump in his throat and almost chokes on his words. Yamada stares at him with pleading eyes. Yuto opens his mouth to say something but then turns away instead.
“Please, I’m sorry,” Yamada begs.
“You’re always sorry. I hate it,” Yuto replies.
Yamada flinches at the word hate.
“I love you,” Yamada says.
Yuto’s eyes begin to water but he shakes his head and stares up at the dark sky. “So?” He replies. And he doesn’t need to turn around to see Yamada’s eyes brimming with tears. He doesn’t move as he hears Yamada run.
And Yamada can’t see where he’s going in the blurry mess of tears and rain. All he knows is he wants to get away from Yuto. And Yamada falls onto the ground. He screams. And everything inside of him breaks into shards of hurt. He becomes dizzy as those shards cut him. And he feels as if he’s bleeding. And he screams again. And in the months to come it’s this scene that replays in his head whenever he’s told to act distraught.
And he just continues to cry..and then he hears a distant voice.
“Yamada.”
Yamada curls into a ball and suddenly feels warmth.
“Yamada, wake up,” The voice says.
And he opens his eyes and sees that it had stopped raining. He’s dry.
“Yamada,” The voice says again. And the world begins to shake and he is confused. Then Yamada blinks as the world comes into focus.
“Yamada, it’s time to go home now,” Daiki says smiling at the younger boy.
Yamada shakes his grogginess away and stares at his best friend. His boyfriend. Both.
“You okay?” Daiki asks. Yamada nods in reply. “Had a weird dream,” He mumbles.
Daiki laughs. “You are so cute when you’re half-awake.”
Yamada feels the older boy’s hand messing with his hair. Yamada smiles. Daiki pulls the sleepy boy up and Yamada looks for his bag. Daiki holds it up.
“I got it for you,” Daiki says. Yamada feels touched by the small gesture. Daiki was such a gentleman.
“Thanks.”
And when Daiki holds door open for him as they leave the building he sees people stare.
So Daiki walks him home and as they walk Daiki tells him about something he can’t hear because Yamada’s thoughts are drifting off to his former best friend again.
“Stop dragging me around. Just because you’re taller doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want with me,” Yamada snaps.
Yuto ignores him and practically skips into the busy streets.
“Where are you taking me anyway?” Yamada asks, adjusting his hat. “I need to be home.”
Yuto snickers. “What are you, five? Live a little.”
Yamada pouts. Yuto continues to maneuver around the busy streets filled with people. They end up window shopping and making fun of random people that would pass buy. Then Yuto would go on about something and Yamada would only half-listen.
“Are you listening to me?” Yuto would ask.
“What?” Yamada would reply.
Then Yuto would roll his eyes and whack Yamada’s head. Yamada would whine and then they’d both start giggling.
“So where did you want to take me anyway?” Yamada asks.
“Nowhere,” Yuto replies. “Anywhere. I just wanted to be with you.”
Yamada starts laughing so loudly Yuto needs to drag him away before anyone notices them.
“Sap,” Yamada says.
“What?” Daiki says. And he snaps out of it.
“Hm?” Yamada replies.
“What’s wrong with you?” Daiki asks in a worried voice. “You seem distracted. Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah. I’m just tired,” Yamada says faking a smile.
They walk home in silence. It’s not awkward at all because Daiki’s hand is in his and Yamada feels safe. They arrive at home and Yamada’s family welcomes them both. Daiki was like an adopted family member. He ate dinner there from time to time. Yamada’s family adored Daiki. He didn’t blame them. Daiki was fun to have around.
“I should go change first,” Yamada says, excusing himself. The older boy follows after him.
When they get to the room Daiki sits on Yamada’s bed as he changes shirts. Yamada grins when he sees Daiki flipping through a magazine. Daiki doesn’t even watch him. He respected Yamada’s privacy. Even if Yamada knows it’s a little hard he appreciates his effort.
As he slips on his shirt he turns around. And watches the boy on his bed.
“What are you staring at?” Yamada asks as he sees Yuto’s grin.
“Nothing,” Yuto says not even trying to act innocent.
“Perv. Don’t stare at me while I’m changing. It’s embarrassing,” Yamada mumbles.
“Why not? You can shamelessly show off your body to hundreds of screaming fans and yet you can’t change in front of me?”
“It’s different,” Yamada whines.
“How is that different?” Yuto asks walking closer to Yamada and poking the boy’s cheek.
“Because hundreds of screaming fans aren’t in my room,” Yamada replies. And he blushes when Yuto kisses his neck.
“And hundreds of screaming fans can’t molest you like this,” Yuto says.
“Stop it, Yuto.” Yamada whines.
“Stop.”
Daiki looks up at Yamada. “Stop what?”
Yamada blinks. “What?”
“You sure are out of it today,” Daiki says. And Yamada sits down beside Daiki and wonders why Yuto keeps popping up in his head.
“Are you sure Satomi didn’t punch you too much? I mean I know it’s fake and all but I think your brain got dragged off and stored in a chest of gold by a bunch of pirates that live under the sea because even if I’m talking nonsense you’re still not listening to me,” Daiki says.
“Sure,” Yamada says blankly.
Then he feels Daiki kiss him. And Yamada feels happy when he does. Because Daiki is gentle with him. He forgets Yuto for a second. And when they break apart he hears a sigh.
“I’ll be downstairs,” Daiki says.
Yamada watches him leave and he’s not surprised when he feels no urge to stop him from walking away. If it had been Yuto he’d probably start whining.
And now Yamada thinks he’s being unfair to his boyfriend. Daiki was the something close to perfection. And yet Yamada couldn’t help comparing him to Yuto. Yuto was crazy and harsh and obsessive and moody and beautiful.
Yuto was imperfect. And Yamada loved him for it. He misses their late night calls and fights and kisses and the memories. Yuto taught him how to feel. And Yamada feels a small ache in him.
And this makes Yamada get up and run down the stairs.
He’s shocked to see Daiki standing there in the doorway. He looks into Daiki’s eyes and before he can say anything-
“Do what you have to do,” Daiki says. And Daiki watches Yamada run out the door, hoping with all his heart that Yamada will return to him. Yamada doesn’t understand how or why but he just runs without knowing where. And it’s by some twisted intervention of fate that he bumps into Yuto.
“Watch it,” Yuto says with a smirk.
Yamada mumbles an apology and realizes who he’s bumped into. Yamada looks up at Yuto. And for a second Yamada’s heart dies. And he feels a rush of emotions building up.
“What were you running for? Did you finally decide to lose weight?” Yuto says with a fake gasp.
“Shut up.”
“Make me,” Yuto replies instantly.
And this makes Yamada smile.
“I was looking for you because I just wanted..I just wanted to say hi,” Yamada says.
Yuto waves a hand in front of the older boy’s face. “Hi.”
And Yamada doesn’t know why he feels better. It feels like meeting Yuto all over again.
And at that moment, Yamada thinks they’ll never be back together, but Yamada can’t imagine his life without Nakajima Yuto. All he knows is he wants Yuto in his life. That he loved him once and that he always will in some way. That their love was something you couldn’t put into words.
And Yamada thinks Daiki will understand even if Yamada doesn’t understand himself right now. His thoughts swirl around in his head making him dizzy.
“Um so what now?” Yuto asks the older boy who seems to be lost in thought.
Yamada blinks repeatedly. “I think I need to g-go home. Daiki’s waiting for me.”
Yuto just smiles like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “Want me to walk you home?”
“Are you going to drag me around like you did last time?” Yamada says laughing.
“Not this time, Yama-chan. This time I’m just going walk you home. But before that I want to give you something,” Yuto says.
“Is this going to be a rubber insect, some ticket to a cheesy movie, or are you going to kiss me?” Yamada guesses.
Yuto moves closer and just before their lips touch- “The last one of course.”
And when Yuto kisses him his senses are on fire and he suddenly wishes he could stay like this forever.
Then Yamada feels those same lips on his. And he trembles. And Yuto sees Yamada’s glassy eyes burn. And Yamada doesn’t know what to do, so he closes his eyes and gives in. Then Yuto stops.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself,” Yuto says pathetically. “I won’t do that again. I swear. And I’ll just shut up and walk you home now.”
And then Yamada laughs. He just laughs and this time Yuto doesn’t stop him. And he can’t help but smile.
And Yamada thinks his relationship with Yuto will always be messed up.
And deep inside he feels a little guilty. Just a bit.
But Yamada knows he loves Daiki. And in the end, he’ll be in his arms, not Yuto’s.
But the way he loved Yuto was something special.
And nothing and no one could ever change that.
“Hey do you think we can still be friends even after we break up?” Yamada mutters.
And Yuto looks up at the sky. “Probably.”
“Even if you find someone else?” Yamada asks playing with his fingers.
“Of course,” Yuto replies. “We’ll always be best friends.”
“Maybe a little more than that,” Yamada says.
“You mean like super best friends?” Yuto says jokingly.
“No, idiot,” Yamada says rolling his eyes.
“Then what?” Yuto says turning to look at Yamada.
And this time Yamada looks away and laughs softly to himself.
“We’ll be us.”