2011-12-23 - Mary Xmas
I sat alone in my bedroom, vacillating uncertainly between the options of staying in or going out. All year I had kept the intention to attend the annual rave known as Mary Xmas, but as often happens when the moment is upon me, my focus began to teeter and it seemed less important. As though the idea of it were far better than the actual experience, what with the cost of time, effort, and money.
I weighed my options carefully. The last rave I had attended, Heaven vs. Hell, had been a bust… I think more because of my mindset at the time than for any concrete reason. I had been appalled by a perceived decay in the rave community, characterized by younger crowds and cliquey tendencies. “People used to watch out for each other,” I said to someone with disdain. “Now they just look the other way.”
I didn’t take the opportunity to try to interact with many people, or try to change the situation by expressing a positive vibration. I was simply wrecked by the negative charge that I perceived. The only place where I found solace was the dance floor, with the music. It was the only place that made sense. It was the only place where people truly connected. At the time, I was unable to discern the real reason for this difficulty, and left early.
In retrospect it is easy for me to see that I was just lonely and felt out of place. The scene had changed, yes, but judging it as better or worse would be entirely subjective. I remembered friends who had shared countless laughs and experiences with me and found myself longing, mourning as though there had been a death. It was a time that could never be resurrected, who’s only remaining mark lives in memory.
It is said that what you judge in others is actually a reflection of what you judge within yourself. The laws of attraction dictate that what you express to the world is what you receive. Using this point to illustrate my own case, it is clear that in that estranged emotional space, it was I who exuded negativity, and thus it was all I could see in others.
My Siddha Yoga guru teaches that a lesson is meant to be revisited, because each time it will have new meaning. With each event we survive, we increase the sophistication of our perspective. I have moments of epiphany as new connections are made in this experience of life, and if I keep my eyes open, I am able to grow spiritually. Such is the case now as I gain more understanding of the principles described above.
I didn’t yet know, but I needed to experience Mary Xmas to gain more perspective. Interestingly, I have found that when I resist the path, going against the flow of causality - like if I had chosen not to go instead - then the lesson manifests in another form with increased intensity, often in a dramatic way, such that I am forced to pay attention. This is good motivation for me to show up for life and be present in the moment.
Based on a desire for social contact and fun rather than on complex philosophical ideals, I made the decision to attend the event. I made plans for a ride share through FaceBook with a group to whom I had not been previously acquainted. Though a little nervous about committing to stay out all night, I had a good feeling, and my excitement began to grow.
I showered and dressed. I wanted flow and comfort, but also warmth to fight the chill of a winter warehouse in the deep of night. I wore pocketed pajama pants beneath a black ankle-length skirt, made with lace material over a sheer lining. I layered a long-sleeved black fishnet shirt with a short-sleeved red athletic top. This matched my festive, fiercely red hair, recently dyed and cut. I complimented this color with hues of red around my eyes, which brought out their green. As a “coat” I wore a black bath robe, with a gray knitted scarf and a fuzzy black Russian-style hat.
In talking to Lori, the woman who arranged my ride, I discovered her mother would be dropping us off and picking us up, so we had a safe and sober driver. Out of respect for them I didn’t want to bring any drugs with me, so I ingested several grams of freshly powdered mushrooms prior to leaving. Because they absorb quickly this way, they had already begun to take effect as we drove out to District 8 where the event was being held.
Lori was a Hispanic woman who had just come of age, short in stature, thin and well proportioned. She wore a low-cut white top and pink boy shorts, nails painted to match. She accessorized with a small Hello Kitty backpack and a festive Santa hat. She had shoulder-length straight black hair with bangs cut just above her dark brown eyes, which seemed to glimmer with depth and curiosity. She had a beautiful smile and straight pearly white teeth.
She had brought her friend Ramon, a recent ex-boyfriend, who seemed a charming and intelligent lad, a year her junior. Standing fit at about 5’7”, he wore a white collared button-up shirt with stylish half-sleeves and tight black pants. His black hair was straight and combed forward and to the left to tease one dark honey eye. They were both adorned with many kandie bracelets and necklaces, and the three of us all had snake bite piercings. Lori joked that we were the “snake bite trio”.
As we arrived, my new friends and I were greeted by the penetrating, chilly desert air. I had worn enough layers to be comfortable, but unfortunately my friends had not. We were divided into separate lines for door and presale, and so positioned accordingly, set to wait in line for the venue to open. We were among the first patrons to arrive.
Once inside, I began to socialize, even as the psilocybin metabolized in my system and influenced my perception. I had never appreciated this before, but mushrooms do not seem to affect my judgment, speech, movement, or memory. Visually, the experience was distinct from LSD, on which details would blend, wave, pulse, and form fractal patterns. Instead, this made the world sharp and clear. Light became intense and color remarkably vivid.
The world was alive around me in a way that I imagined only fae creatures could see. I talked to a woman with glitter on her face, and normally it would be indiscernible, but I could see each individual speck shimmering brightly. Outside, the stars gleamed so brilliantly that they seemed to speak an ancient language. I felt connected with the Earth and at one with the universe.
As my body pulsed with energy and vitality, my warm skin was incredibly sensitive, so much so that a breeze felt like a kiss. As I moved, swayed, swirled, and danced from stage to stage, my flowing robe seemed to carry me, as though I were floating effortlessly through the fog and light. I made a connection with nearly everyone I passed, and most smiled brilliantly, as though they could sense the immense love and merriment I felt. I made a point to approach any who seemed down and bring them light.
Though I very much enjoyed the connections I made, I did not feel inclined to sustain them, and though I kept a careful watch on my young companions, I did so at a distance. I did not intentionally seek solitude, but I spent nearly the entire night dancing, tucked within the melodic envelope of musical rapture. I was not drawn to meeting new people or courting new lovers. I admired both man and woman for their grace, and danced playfully with many.
One man timidly asked if I were gay or straight. I can see how some might be easily confused by the combination of my garb and behavior. At the time it was of no consequence, but as I ruminate I briefly lament how everything must so often be sexualized, universal love transduced into individual lust and attraction. As I do, I realize that this follows the same principle as detailed in the beginning - it is a quality in me that I judge, and so judge and see in others. With awareness can come growth and change.
There was a moment when I felt very lonely, watching others kiss and cuddle with each other, and imagined what that would have been like in that moment. In what seemed like an information download from the heavens, I became aware that none of the negative things that had happened with my lovers mattered. Earthly problems have no influence on a heavenly body, which for that moment I was manifest.
I impressed myself with my responsibility, conscious enough to take care - drinking plenty of water and taking breaks to cool down. I felt fortunate that the temperature was so low, because at times I felt like my body was forged of fire. I was covered in sweat for most of the night.
Though physically tired, I was still wide awake, totally conscious, and completely aware when the drug began wearing off at 1am. Unlike MDMA, there was no hangover effect, especially because I remained properly hydrated. Awhile later, I sat down to relax on a couch next to three others, two young girls and an older man.
When the man left, the girls were chatting with each other, and one stood up to leave for a moment. She asked me to make sure nothing happened to her friend, that she would be right back. I agreed and started talking to her. Apparently they were both 14, and the guy was a teacher soliciting them for sex. He was telling them that he “had never been with women so young” and that he could “make them feel good”. I don’t remember the rest of the lines he used, but there were MANY. I was legitimately shocked and appalled. I stuck around until their dad came to pick them up, shortly after which they closed the event and the exodus began.
I gathered with Lori and Ramon outside. Because the event closed an hour earlier than expected, her mother had not yet arrived. It was 3am and she was due to arrive at 4. Fortunately, we were able to catch a ride to a nearby Denny’s with my friends Heather, Devin, and Ashley, for which we were all very appreciative.
Lori, Ramon, and I stayed at Denny’s until about 4:30 when her mother finally arrived to pick us up. She had been sleeping, leaving Lori to call her repeatedly until finally getting her sister on the line to wake her. I appreciated having the time to eat and chat. This was the only opportunity I had taken to really get to know the two of them, and I genuinely had a blast. The exuberance of youth, yet uncorrupted by the capitalist western world, able to enjoy and appreciate the simpler things in life. It was a good lesson for me as we dined - biscuits and gravy, hash browns, donut holes, apple juice. The night was nearly complete.
After I arrived home, I took a long, hot bath with salts. I was exhausted beyond measure by then, and it felt amazing to feel the water’s sweet caress. I did a yoga session to lengthen my muscles before lying blissfully down to rest, falling into the blankets and pillows like a lost love. I had been looking forward to that moment for what seemed like an eternity, and into an enchanting sunset of dreams I sailed…
I weighed my options carefully. The last rave I had attended, Heaven vs. Hell, had been a bust… I think more because of my mindset at the time than for any concrete reason. I had been appalled by a perceived decay in the rave community, characterized by younger crowds and cliquey tendencies. “People used to watch out for each other,” I said to someone with disdain. “Now they just look the other way.”
I didn’t take the opportunity to try to interact with many people, or try to change the situation by expressing a positive vibration. I was simply wrecked by the negative charge that I perceived. The only place where I found solace was the dance floor, with the music. It was the only place that made sense. It was the only place where people truly connected. At the time, I was unable to discern the real reason for this difficulty, and left early.
In retrospect it is easy for me to see that I was just lonely and felt out of place. The scene had changed, yes, but judging it as better or worse would be entirely subjective. I remembered friends who had shared countless laughs and experiences with me and found myself longing, mourning as though there had been a death. It was a time that could never be resurrected, who’s only remaining mark lives in memory.
It is said that what you judge in others is actually a reflection of what you judge within yourself. The laws of attraction dictate that what you express to the world is what you receive. Using this point to illustrate my own case, it is clear that in that estranged emotional space, it was I who exuded negativity, and thus it was all I could see in others.
My Siddha Yoga guru teaches that a lesson is meant to be revisited, because each time it will have new meaning. With each event we survive, we increase the sophistication of our perspective. I have moments of epiphany as new connections are made in this experience of life, and if I keep my eyes open, I am able to grow spiritually. Such is the case now as I gain more understanding of the principles described above.
I didn’t yet know, but I needed to experience Mary Xmas to gain more perspective. Interestingly, I have found that when I resist the path, going against the flow of causality - like if I had chosen not to go instead - then the lesson manifests in another form with increased intensity, often in a dramatic way, such that I am forced to pay attention. This is good motivation for me to show up for life and be present in the moment.
Based on a desire for social contact and fun rather than on complex philosophical ideals, I made the decision to attend the event. I made plans for a ride share through FaceBook with a group to whom I had not been previously acquainted. Though a little nervous about committing to stay out all night, I had a good feeling, and my excitement began to grow.
I showered and dressed. I wanted flow and comfort, but also warmth to fight the chill of a winter warehouse in the deep of night. I wore pocketed pajama pants beneath a black ankle-length skirt, made with lace material over a sheer lining. I layered a long-sleeved black fishnet shirt with a short-sleeved red athletic top. This matched my festive, fiercely red hair, recently dyed and cut. I complimented this color with hues of red around my eyes, which brought out their green. As a “coat” I wore a black bath robe, with a gray knitted scarf and a fuzzy black Russian-style hat.
In talking to Lori, the woman who arranged my ride, I discovered her mother would be dropping us off and picking us up, so we had a safe and sober driver. Out of respect for them I didn’t want to bring any drugs with me, so I ingested several grams of freshly powdered mushrooms prior to leaving. Because they absorb quickly this way, they had already begun to take effect as we drove out to District 8 where the event was being held.
Lori was a Hispanic woman who had just come of age, short in stature, thin and well proportioned. She wore a low-cut white top and pink boy shorts, nails painted to match. She accessorized with a small Hello Kitty backpack and a festive Santa hat. She had shoulder-length straight black hair with bangs cut just above her dark brown eyes, which seemed to glimmer with depth and curiosity. She had a beautiful smile and straight pearly white teeth.
She had brought her friend Ramon, a recent ex-boyfriend, who seemed a charming and intelligent lad, a year her junior. Standing fit at about 5’7”, he wore a white collared button-up shirt with stylish half-sleeves and tight black pants. His black hair was straight and combed forward and to the left to tease one dark honey eye. They were both adorned with many kandie bracelets and necklaces, and the three of us all had snake bite piercings. Lori joked that we were the “snake bite trio”.
As we arrived, my new friends and I were greeted by the penetrating, chilly desert air. I had worn enough layers to be comfortable, but unfortunately my friends had not. We were divided into separate lines for door and presale, and so positioned accordingly, set to wait in line for the venue to open. We were among the first patrons to arrive.
Once inside, I began to socialize, even as the psilocybin metabolized in my system and influenced my perception. I had never appreciated this before, but mushrooms do not seem to affect my judgment, speech, movement, or memory. Visually, the experience was distinct from LSD, on which details would blend, wave, pulse, and form fractal patterns. Instead, this made the world sharp and clear. Light became intense and color remarkably vivid.
The world was alive around me in a way that I imagined only fae creatures could see. I talked to a woman with glitter on her face, and normally it would be indiscernible, but I could see each individual speck shimmering brightly. Outside, the stars gleamed so brilliantly that they seemed to speak an ancient language. I felt connected with the Earth and at one with the universe.
As my body pulsed with energy and vitality, my warm skin was incredibly sensitive, so much so that a breeze felt like a kiss. As I moved, swayed, swirled, and danced from stage to stage, my flowing robe seemed to carry me, as though I were floating effortlessly through the fog and light. I made a connection with nearly everyone I passed, and most smiled brilliantly, as though they could sense the immense love and merriment I felt. I made a point to approach any who seemed down and bring them light.
Though I very much enjoyed the connections I made, I did not feel inclined to sustain them, and though I kept a careful watch on my young companions, I did so at a distance. I did not intentionally seek solitude, but I spent nearly the entire night dancing, tucked within the melodic envelope of musical rapture. I was not drawn to meeting new people or courting new lovers. I admired both man and woman for their grace, and danced playfully with many.
One man timidly asked if I were gay or straight. I can see how some might be easily confused by the combination of my garb and behavior. At the time it was of no consequence, but as I ruminate I briefly lament how everything must so often be sexualized, universal love transduced into individual lust and attraction. As I do, I realize that this follows the same principle as detailed in the beginning - it is a quality in me that I judge, and so judge and see in others. With awareness can come growth and change.
There was a moment when I felt very lonely, watching others kiss and cuddle with each other, and imagined what that would have been like in that moment. In what seemed like an information download from the heavens, I became aware that none of the negative things that had happened with my lovers mattered. Earthly problems have no influence on a heavenly body, which for that moment I was manifest.
I impressed myself with my responsibility, conscious enough to take care - drinking plenty of water and taking breaks to cool down. I felt fortunate that the temperature was so low, because at times I felt like my body was forged of fire. I was covered in sweat for most of the night.
Though physically tired, I was still wide awake, totally conscious, and completely aware when the drug began wearing off at 1am. Unlike MDMA, there was no hangover effect, especially because I remained properly hydrated. Awhile later, I sat down to relax on a couch next to three others, two young girls and an older man.
When the man left, the girls were chatting with each other, and one stood up to leave for a moment. She asked me to make sure nothing happened to her friend, that she would be right back. I agreed and started talking to her. Apparently they were both 14, and the guy was a teacher soliciting them for sex. He was telling them that he “had never been with women so young” and that he could “make them feel good”. I don’t remember the rest of the lines he used, but there were MANY. I was legitimately shocked and appalled. I stuck around until their dad came to pick them up, shortly after which they closed the event and the exodus began.
I gathered with Lori and Ramon outside. Because the event closed an hour earlier than expected, her mother had not yet arrived. It was 3am and she was due to arrive at 4. Fortunately, we were able to catch a ride to a nearby Denny’s with my friends Heather, Devin, and Ashley, for which we were all very appreciative.
Lori, Ramon, and I stayed at Denny’s until about 4:30 when her mother finally arrived to pick us up. She had been sleeping, leaving Lori to call her repeatedly until finally getting her sister on the line to wake her. I appreciated having the time to eat and chat. This was the only opportunity I had taken to really get to know the two of them, and I genuinely had a blast. The exuberance of youth, yet uncorrupted by the capitalist western world, able to enjoy and appreciate the simpler things in life. It was a good lesson for me as we dined - biscuits and gravy, hash browns, donut holes, apple juice. The night was nearly complete.
After I arrived home, I took a long, hot bath with salts. I was exhausted beyond measure by then, and it felt amazing to feel the water’s sweet caress. I did a yoga session to lengthen my muscles before lying blissfully down to rest, falling into the blankets and pillows like a lost love. I had been looking forward to that moment for what seemed like an eternity, and into an enchanting sunset of dreams I sailed…