write
It's been too long since I last wrote.
Here or anywhere else.
The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to start.
Everything builds, like a gathering tide behind a dam. The water rises, the pressure builds...
Ideas, experiences, moments... they're all there, clamoring.
And you'd think that as the intensity builds, as everything grows louder, demanding that I pay attention... that I do something to release the pressure... that I would be driven to let it out. To purge with nonsensical rants and flow-of-consciousness writings that benefit no one but myself...
But I'm not.
And as those things fighting for my attention build, multiply...they start to overtake each other. They become ruthless and violent and submerge each other in order to maintain my attention. In order to remain in the forefront of my thoughts, demanding focus away from the present.
I'm numb right now. Numb to everything except the almost continuous procession of stressors that have made up my life recently. It seems like the more I try to get my life in order, the less control I have.
I am a disconnect. The person I am in my mind is not the person that this world sees, and I don't know which side is the better person right now. Maybe they're both horrible, and I should instead be focusing on figuring out a way to wipe the slate clean.
I can't even talk about everything that has transpired in the last few months of my life. It's been at least that long since I've seriously sat down to really reflect with the intent of trying to purge my consciousness and unconsciousness from the flood that has built up behind my imposed fortifications.
I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. This is not who I want to be. I'm pushing against the people I care about - testing boundaries - the numbed part of me doesn't care anymore, and the rest of me cares too much to see people drift out of my life for no good reason, so I try to manufacture a reason, so at least I can blame myself in the end. Somehow blaming myself for causing the pain is easier than not having a reason.
...