pNever Can Say Goodbye (Part 4a)
I can’t believe it’s been a year already…
Blinking away her sleep, Tiffany found herself lie awake on a bed, limbs tangled with the sheets. She smelled a familiar scent and was faced with blue paints of the room that had greeted her so many times before on morning like these.
Right, Taeyeon’s…
Turning her head to the side, she could see the love of her life was sleeping soundly, blonde hair sprawled everywhere. She was still very naked, with only the sheet covering her. It was like the many mornings they had been together. Only this morning, it was one of the few where Taeyeon was curling beside her, arm circling her waist, snuggling closely next to her. She smiled.
Tiffany repositioned the blanket to cover her lover better. Looking at the small face of the person she loved so much, she couldn’t help but think of the intimate moment they had last night. The eyes that had been looking at her hazily silently asking for more, the same lips that were gaping as a sign of heightened pleasure, the face that she cradled the moment they were climaxing together...
It had been a year since they had been together and had been a few months since the first time they were sleeping together. But Tiffany still found it hard to believe to have her lover in her arms with her face merely inches from hers, snuggling besides her, sleeping in deep slumber. Taeyeon did that these days and it warmed her heart to find her curling beside her like that. It made her feel like she really was hers. Somehow, it made her forget all about the complicated relationship that they had… and all the questions in her heart.
Her thoughts then flew to the morning after their first night together and how bad she had felt when she’d found Taeyeon in far side of the exact same bed, her back facing her. She knew she had lost control that night, and she had blamed herself for that. They hadn’t been ready, she’d thought. Taeyeon hadn’t been ready. She had felt her heart breaking. Partly because of the guilt, partly because it had reminded her how Taeyeon’s heart wasn’t fully hers.
Then the same old question had popped up in her head.
Will there ever be the time when her heart will be completely hers?
Shaking her head away from the memories, Tiffany tightened her hold of her lover.
I shouldn’t be thinking about that. We’re doing so well right now. Heck, we’re even going to reach one year anniversary. That should mean something…
Right?
The question was still there she had to admit. But the change in Taeyeon’s behavior towards her in the recent months had been suppressing Tiffany’s thoughts and gave her a light of hope. They had spent more time together in the recent months; going to every outing their friends invited as couple, or just going out on impromptu dates that her girlfriend usually initiated. Taeyeon had also seemed to be more… physical towards her. Kissing and making out hadn’t been so awkward anymore; instead Taeyeon had seemed to be more demanding… in and out of bed. Not that Tiffany had had complains about that, god knows she didn’t, but the lingering question was still there, and sometimes it made her think if Taeyeon only did all that as an obligation, because she knows Tiffany wants it, not because she wants it.
She kissed the girl’s forehead and brushed her cheek on it. The girl beside her shifted.
I really should not be thinking about that. We’re getting there… She’s getting-
“You’re up?” Taeyeon looked up, her eyes half-closed, her voice hoarse.
Tiffany looked down to see her adjusting her eyes to the light. She smiled. “Hi… I just woke up. Did I wake you? Go back to sleep.”
“No…What time is it anyway?” Taeyeon glanced to the clock. “Aah… Seven...” She yawned then put her chin on her hand on Tiffany’s chest, looking at her.
“What?” She asked.
“Nothing.” She brushed Tiffany’s hair to the side, studying her.
Why do you always do this to me? Just when the questions start to-…
“You seemed to be in a deep thought. Is there something bothering you?”
Funny you ask. Tiffany smiled. “Nothing. Just wondering about things.”
“What things?” Taeyeon played with Tiffany’s hair.
“You know… work stuff.”
“Aish, you shouldn’t be thinking about work. You’ve been thinking about that a lot since you got that promotion.” Taeyeon pinched her lightly.
“I have?”
“Yes! You’ve been spacing out a lot these days…”
She chuckled. “Okay… okay… What should I be thinking then?”
“Hm…” Taeyeon did a thinking gesture. “You know what you should be thinking?” She slowly moved on top of her, straddling her, discarding the sheet that was covering her body. Her hands roamed to find Tiffany’s, intertwining their fingers together.
“You should be thinking about us.”
All the time. I think about us all the time.
“What about us?”
“Aish…” She gestured one of her hands as if hitting her in a playful manner. “Next week is our first anniversary!”
“Ah… Yes…”
“You forget? Don’t tell me you forget.”
Me? Forget? “Of course not. I thought you forget.”
“How can I?” She chuckled. “I’m the one who asked you out.”
That you did.
Why did you?
“Have you prepared anything?” Taeyeon played with their intertwined hands.
“Hmm… Have I?”
Taeyeon lightly hit her.
Tiffany laughed. “I’m just kidding!” She pulled her closer. “Have you prepared anything for me?”
“Of course I have! But I’m not going to tell you what it is…” She said in a sing-song voice.
Tiffany laughed. “Secrets, huh?”
“Mm-hmm...” Taeyeon pulled herself closer and kissed her. Tiffany held her that much closer and kissed her with more fervor earning herself a hum from Taeyeon.
Please… Please just let me be wrong…
“What a kiss…” Taeyeon said, once they broke the kiss. Noses were still touching. She rested her chin on Tiffany’s chest.
Tiffany didn’t answer. She only smiled while brushing Taeyeon’s long blonde bangs to the side.
“What do you want Fany-ah? What do you want for our anniversary?”
“Nothing in particular...”I want you. Your love. “…Being with you is enough.” Your love is enough for me.
“Aaaaw…” She pecked her. “You’ll gonna lo~ve my present for you.”
“Will I?”
“Yes. Yes, you will. And you’re gonna love me for it.” Taeyeon grinned.
“I will, huh?” She rested her hands on Taeyeon’s thigh, rubbing it. “What do you want anyway for our anniversary?”
“Hmm… Being with you is enough." She smiled. You’ve given me so much, Fany-ah.
Tiffany lightly hit her thigh. “Hey, that’s my answer!”
“Huh? Can’t it be mine too?”
“No, it can’t.”
Taeyeon chuckled. “Seriously though… It’s enough to just spend time with you…” She lightly traced Tiffany’s collar bone with her nail. “So make sure you’ll fit me in that crazy schedule of yours!”
“Crazy schedule?”
“Well, since your promotion, it seems that you spend time on your work more.” She slightly pouted. “You barely sleep here anymore… ” Taeyeon muttered. “Just be with me on that night, okay?”
Tiffany laughed. “That’s it? That’s all you want?” I’ll gladly be with you.
“Hmm….” Taeyeon suddenly got up and pulled the sheet that was covering Tiffany’s body. “… Not exactly.”
“Huh?”
“I want more.” She grinned. “… and come to think of it…” Taeyeon then got into it, she then retrieved to her position and cover them both with the sheet. “… I can get it now...”
“Taeyeon-ah…”
“…Consider it’s a ‘pre-anniversary’ gift.”
“God, you’re insatiable.” Tiffany said, but still complying to Taeyeon’s every move.
“Oh, shut it. You love it.”
They grinned.
“Did you bring my favorite toy?”
“Taeyeon!”
“What? I’m just saying,,, You didn’t, did you? Aish, you should bring it next time…” She kissed Tiffany.
Tiffany smiled into the kiss and held her closer.
Let me be wrong… Please… Let me be wrong…
Their breath started to get heavier and Tiffany drowned herself in the attentions that Taeyeon gave her. Without thinking, Tiffany sighed, “I love you.”
Hovering above her, Taeyeon smiled. Oh Tiffany…
“I know.” She could only whisper.
Do you really?
*
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“Great. You?”
“I’m doing fine.”
“Good.”
“I heard you’re back in town.”
“Ah, yes, we are. It’s been a while since we moved. Thought it’d be nice to visit our parents.
“How’s San Fransisco?”
“It’s nice. It’s good to be back where you’d grown up. Yuri got a little problem with the language, but we managed.” A smile.
“Good… Good…”
Jessica smiled genuinely,
“So how are you? How’s Tiffany doing?”
“Hm? Oh, we’re good.” She paused. “Tiffany’s doing great actually. She just got promoted last month.”
Jessica noticed a hint of proudness on Taeyeon’s face. She didn’t say anything. “That’s great!”
“It is.”
Taeyeon looked at her.
“It’s good to see you, Jessica.” Taeyeon said.
“Thank you. It’s good to see you too.”
Silence. Jessica could feel uneasiness from Taeyeon who seemed to be wondering about something.
“Look Taeyeon…Thank you for calling me. But why are we here?”
“Actually I…” She brushed her hair. “I need to see you.” I need to be sure.
“Taeyeon… I don’t think it’s-“
“I want to say I’m sorry.” She cut her. “I… I should’ve told you that a long time ago.”
Jessica’s brows drew. “Sorry for what?”
“For everything. For what I’ve done.”
“Taeyeon…”
“Seriously, I am…” She cut her. “I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have gone to-”
“It’s all in the past.”
She sighed. “Still…”
“It’s okay, Taeyeon.”
She looked down. “Sorry we didn’t go to your wedding.”
Jessica smiled. “It’s okay. I understand.”
“It’s just… We were…”
“It’s okay, Taeyeon. Really. You don’t have to tell me.” Jessica casted a genuine smile.
“I’m sorry.” She looked down. “So sorry…”
Jessica saw the regret in Taeyeon’s face. She looked at her in sympathy. It wasn’t for her.
“You know… I’m not the one you should say sorry to.”
“Huh?”
“It’s not me. I don’t deserve it.”
She looked at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Jessica only replied with a meaningful smile.
Taeyeon saw that and she knew she was right. To be honest, she knew that all along.
They exchanged another silence.
“Next week’s our anniversary.” Taeyeon broke the silence.
“Oh? Congratulation.”
“Thank you.” She smiled ruefully. Suddenly she covered her face with her hands. “God, I’ve hurt her so many times.”
Taeyeon looked down.
“I’m sorry...” She continued.
“I know.” Jessica knew it wasn’t for her.
“So sorry…” She closed her eyes. Her voice was barely a whisper.
*
Today was Taeyeon and Tiffany’s anniversary and Taeyeon had prepared dinner in her place. She was waiting for Tiffany but it seemed that Tiffany wasn’t coming. So she called her, but her calls were unanswered.
A few minutes later, she got a text from Tiffany, telling her that something came up at work and that she shouldn’t wait. It surely had left Taeyeon feeling disappointed after all the hard work for the dinner but she knew that Tiffany wouldn’t disappoint her on purpose so she tried to be understanding.
But somehow, she felt that something was off…
Since a few days before, Taeyeon hadn’t heard much from Tiffany. They hadn’t met that often and Tiffany seemed to be busier with work. Her calls were also unanswered which often followed by texts that said ‘Busy. Talk to you later’.
Taeyeon thought that it wasn’t like Tiffany to do that, since she knew that Tiffany had always answered her calls, even in the busiest day. Then she remembered about the promotion and thought that maybe it was because of it and thought that it may also be the reason why she seemed to space out a lot lately.
All ready for bed, Taeyeon was about to sleep when she heard loud knocks on her door with impatient rhythm. She glanced at the clock. It’s almost midnight. Who in the world-
She hurriedly ran to the front door and peeked to see the late night guest.
It was Tiffany.
She immediately unlocked the key and opened it.
“Fany? What are yo- Mmmph!”
As soon as she opened the door, Taeyeon was attacked with kisses from Tiffany.
“F-fany… W-wait…”
Tiffany didn’t seem to listen as she pushed Taeyeon into the apartment, kissing her fervently. Tiffany kicked the door and pushed her more into the apartment, hands immediately slipped to Taeyeon’s shirt and roamed Taeyeon’s body, trying to feel her more each time.
“Fa-Fany-ah… Oh!” She pulled her head back when she felt Tiffany started kissing her neck and licking it. “Wh-what are you do-ing?“
Tiffany didn’t answer. She only replied with more kisses which made Taeyeon shivered. She moaned at the nibbling that followed.
Walking back to her living room with Tiffany latching on her neck, she complied with Tiffany’s every move. Tiffany’s lips then went back to hers, kissing her so intensely it made her feel dizzy. Taeyeon felt the kiss was different from the usual. It was so demanding and needy. Tiffany had never kissed her like that before.
“F-fany,” She said between the kisses. “Whe-where hav- you been?”
Again, she ignored her. Taeyeon could barely think with all the attention from Tiffany and decided to throw the questions out of her mind. Tiffany then started to pull her shirt up, taking it off of her. Taeyeon complied and started to unbutton Tiffany’s shirt too. Once succeeded, both proceed to taking off each other’s remaining clothes while stumbling in the living room.
As Tiffany pushed Taeyeon down to lie back on the floor, she started to place her hands on the places that she knew Taeyeon loved, earning her approval hums from Taeyeon. She then replaced the touches with her kisses, which she also knew Taeyeon loved.
Tiffany went back to kissing her neck, her hands still roamed to her favorite places. Suddenly Taeyeon arched her back, closing her eyes in pleasure from the sudden intrusion.
“It’s your favorite. You said it was.” She panted again; her face was buried in Taeyeon’s hair. “I brought it for you. ”
Tiffany’s sentence was cut short by her own pleasure-and the pulling of her hair by Taeyeon-signaling the pleasure they were both getting. The pace was getting faster and the room was filled with moans of satisfaction and pants of passions. She then panted in her ear, with a tone unfamiliar to Taeyeon.
“You- you love it, don’t you? Tell-… Tell me you love it.”
“Y-yes, I love it-”
“Tell me again.”
“Y-yes, Fany, I love it.”
Unlike their usual love making, tonight was rough. Even in her most aroused state, Taeyeon could feel that there was something that made Tiffany so out of character. She was usually very gentle. Tonight, her moves were needy, demanding… Somehow it felt like Tiffany needed assurance. Of what Taeyeon didn’t know.
The climax was nearing and the pace was getting faster. Then Tiffany kissed her with that much passion until finally the waves of pleasures hit them. They clung to each other as tightly as it can be and after a while they slowed the pace. Heavy pants filled the air as Taeyeon waited for the words Tiffany always panted in her ears.
They never came.
Taeyeon lay spent after the intense session as Tiffany rested on her body. Tiffany leaned her head beside Taeyeon’s, burying her face in her hair. She held her close and possessively, and it reminded Taeyeon of what she had thought earlier. She held her back and panted in her ear, “Thank you.” Tiffany didn’t answer as she held her closer.
Suddenly, Taeyeon felt Tiffany body was shaking above her, followed with a sob.
It was from Tiffany.
“Fany?“ She turned to her. “What’s the matter?”
Tiffany didn’t answer.
“Is there something wrong?” She tried to look at her face, but Tiffany resisted. “Fany?”
“I-i’m sorry…”
“F-fany? What-?”
“I’m so sorry… I-I shouldn’t-“Tiffany sobbed in her ear. “I shouldn’t do this…”
“Do what? Fany-ah?” Taeyeon still tried to push her and looked at her.
“Thi-This-“ She sobbed. “ To-tonight. E-everything. I -I shouldn’t b-barge in a-and…” She broke down in cry, her body was shaking. “…I-I’m so sorry, T-taeyeon-ah…”
“Fany-ah, what are you talking about?”
“I-… I can’t- I can’t do this… Maybe we shouldn’t…”
“Can’t do what? Fany-ah?” She pushed the resisting Tiffany above her. “Fany-ah? Shouldn’t what?”
“I thought I can…”
“Fany-ah? What are you talking about?”
“God Taeyeon…” She sobbed. “…I love you so much…”
“Fany?”
“… Do you even know that?”
What? “What? Of-of course I know… What’s with the sudden-? Did I hurt you?”
You don’t even know, do you?
“I don’t think…” She calmed herself down. “I don’t think I can do this anymore Taeyeon.”
Wait- What?! What does she mean?
“We’ve been lying to ourselves… And I think… I think it’s getting too much.”
“What?! Lying about what? What do you mean?” She pushed Tiffany with all the power she had. Finally Tiffany complied, pushing herself up. She turned her head to Taeyeon, looking at her eyes, revealing the hurt and pain that was painted in her face.
“ I saw you,”
“Saw what? What are you talking about?”
The unmistakable hurt in Tiffany’s eyes that were looking into hers bore straight to her heart.
“I saw you with Jessica.”
Oh my god…
Please, please don’t assume-
“No, no- Fany… It’s not what you think it is.”
Tiffany looked away and got up, suddenly needing space from Taeyeon. “Please, Taeyeon. Please just-“ Still avoiding Taeyeon, she sat down on the floor, making space between them. “It’s- it’s my fault you know? I shouldn’t have- I shouldn’t have pushed you… I mean we shouldn’t have…”
Taeyeon started to panic. “It was nothing, Fany-ah!” She got up too. “… and what- Pushed me into what? Shouldn’t have what? Fany-ah?”
Tiffany finally looked at her.
“We-we shouldn’t have been together, Taeyeon-ah. “
Oh no no… Please don’t- Fany-ah… “Why? Fany-ah… what are you talking about?“
She inhaled, trying to calm herself down. She wiped away her tears. “Sometimes… sometimes I think I’m such a fool,” She wondered. “you know why?” Her voice soften, slightly glance d at Taeyeon. “Because I think… no, no… Because I believe that someday… someday you’re going to love me too.” She took a deep breath,
Oh, Tiffany please…
Tiffany smiled ruefully. “Do you know how hurt it is, huh, loving you?” Tiffany paused, “It hurts. It hurts because you’re mine, but I always question if you really are. It hurts because even though you’re just an arm reach, but I always seem to miss you.” She took a deep breath. “It hurts”. She lowered her tone, close to a whisper, “But in the end, I still love you.” She wiped her tears that contrast with the rueful smile she was showing. “I loved you when you rejected me. I loved you even when you betrayed me with that confession. I loved you when you told me you wanted to try. And now… Now, I still love you even with all these questions in my heart.” She looked at her in the eyes.
Taeyeon started to cry. “Please-… Fany-ah… Please don’t say that. It hurts me. It’s not what you think it is…”
“It’s… It’s not even about that Taeyeon.” She tried to fight back her tears. “These questions … ‘Will she love me?’ ‘Is she really mine?’ ‘Will heart be completely mine?’” She paused. “Those questions always seem to haunt me… And I know it’s wrong. I shouldn’t have had those questions… because I’m the one at fault. I pushed you to be with me.”
“What? No! You didn’t push me!” Taeyeon broke down and cried. No, please don’t say that, please!
“…And you’ve been so nice to me… even though I know that your heart is not even mine.”
“Fany… Please….”
“…and that’s what hurts the most, you know? Knowing that you’re doing all of them because I pushed you into this relationship.” Her eyes started tearing again. “…Because I wanted you to be with me.”
“Don’t say that! I’m not! Fany-ah, listen to me. You didn’t push me!”
“I did…” She smiled. Her voice shook. “I kinda did… Because I love you and I didn’t want to see you hurting over someone- … because I think, I think you deserve so much…” She chuckled in rue. “…and my foolish and selfish side thought that you’re better off with me…”
“Fany-ah…”
“…and now I know it’s wrong,”
“No… no it’s not-! Fany-ah!”
“…you’rebetter off without me.”
“I’m not! Tiffany, please. Listen to me…” Taeyeon cried. “Fany-ah! You didn’t push me… You’re not-“
“Taeyeon-ah,” She turned her head to Taeyeon, smiling in rue. “I’m so sorry… I’m sorry for everything…” Tiffany looked away and got up. She started picking up her clothes.
No! Please… don’t say sorry-
“Tiffany, please… Listen to me-, okay? “ She followed Tiffany and took Tiffany’s arm, stopping her. “Listen, it was nothing!” I needed assurance. I didn’t even feel- “and you didn’t push me! What are you talking about?! We’re in this together!”
Tiffany shifted her arm to let go of Taeyeon’s hold.“Taeyeon… we’re only hurting each other’s heart.”
What? “NO! No, you’re not! Tiffany!”
“You’re heart isn’t mine...”
“Please… Please don’t go…”
“Goodbye Taeyeon.”
***
Big thanks for @vcAcivon and @AurosTCT for their comments via twitlonger <3
( http://www.twitlonger.com/show/k270k6 and http://www.twitlonger.com/show/k2jebc )