Letter of resignation, #2017.
I give up. I should just resign hope once and for all. Years ago, I had done just that and was so much more content. Accepting a certain station and circumstances in life as normal and as good as its gonna get has its freedom. Its own relief.
Always trying to improve may not be possible for some of us and it's more frustrating to strive for shit that isn't possible or going to happen for an individual. My potential has been reached and to try and do better only fucking depresses me, makes me feel like a failure. Ineffectual. Stagnant. But is that so bad? Is it so bad to be honest with oneself and just deal with what already is and has been accomplished and stay there? No. I don't think it's so bad.
Weight? I'm this fat and it's not going to get better. I can't starve myself to achieve a weight that I've thought is ideal. If I eat 1500-2000 clean calories a day, work out 30 minutes and I'm still this fat...it's meant to be. I'm 5' 11" and 3/4, so nearly 6 feet tall. My bone structure is wide and muscle dense. It's not possible to eat less and be healthy. I retain fat. Done. Expectations low.
Men? What the fuck ever. Apparently, I'm unlovable, misunderstood and I get it. Being an awkward, introverted weirdo makes being perpetually single something that was written in the books before I had a chance. Screw it. When I didn't look forward to finding that one person everyone talks about, when I said "no, that person doesn't exist for me." I was happier. I didn't care. It's only when I try again that I find it torturous. Not looking doesn't make it happen either. I hate that cliché. People seriously need to stop telling other people that. I feel like it's a stupid placating thing and one doesn't know that the other person is going to ever run into, find, whatever, that one person that will understand, support and love them. I feel like if you're lucky enough to have that, excellent, but a person who doesn't have that and may not be able to find it, isn't needing to hear stupid, unrealistic clichés to feel better. They just want someone to listen and validate their situation as difficult, sad, unfortunate, etc. If one wants to put a positive spin on it, cool, point out some positive aspects of being single...or just say nothing and be there.
Work? I'm done. I'm just going to go, do my job and go home or wherever and be. This reaching for more and trying to start a business while I work my ass off is not working and not helping my own input/output tolerance. I need predictability and stability. I don't need to be thrown and jerked around. I just need a paycheck. Pay bills, taxes...then after a good 20-30 years of retirement...die. Have nothing left to leave any ungrateful bastard. Shit, I probably won't know anyone anymore by that time. Everyone will be dead. Younger relatives will be like "When will Aunt/Cousin T fucking die already?! She just keeps living! Old bitch, die!" Haha. I'm ok with that. As long as they don't throw me in some fucked place where I get a bath once a week or robbed of my pennies and other useless shit, abused, etc...they can wish me dead to my face. I'll cackle, smile and crank my middle digit up at them. Call them all a bunch of little wankers and cunts.
I'm tired of rambling for now. Life just is what it is. Expecting shit to get better and not accepting what it really is for me, doesn't help me.
This is my letter of resignation.
Out. ✌❤
