I'm sick
Time for a recap
This might just be my favourite episode so far. I realize saying this right at the beginning only sets it up for a big fall but… it’s just so good you guys.
Since I’ve started these recaps, I can’t stand listening to the opening music anymore. I am just sick to death of groaning male choirs and pan flutes. GOD NO MORE PAN FLUTES PLEASE.
We open in just as the Alliance’s space ship heads for PLANET BONE. On their tail are a few BEAST DRONES. If you didn’t catch them then, don’t worry. We go inside the space ship and Jade tells Graveheart to ‘check out the monitors’.
And then a GIANT BEAST DRONE swings past the front of the space ship.
It’s weird seeing Graveheart in full armour in this scene. It's just been a while, is all. What prompted him to dress up? Jade’s still got her pleather tank top and pants. King Cryos has his regular ornate armour. Prince Pyrus… well I-I don’t know if he wears clothes or not.
But naked teenage boys aside!
King Cryos says that he’s got an open channel to PLANET BONE, but no one’s answering his calls. I want to make a joke about his prom or something- but really this episode is already funny on its own.
Jade starts positioning the blasters on the ship for the BEAST DRONES. But just as she’s about to push the big green button, a disembodied- synthesized voice tells her to stop. Everyone looks around, only to find a small screen on the computer panels switch up to show the blurry image of a giant eye.
Voice: HEY WHAT’S UP
Graveheart:.. We’re here to help! You’re in danger and-
Voice: NAW MAN. IT’S COO’. IT’S COO’. YOU GUYS WANNA CHILL HERE THO’?
Graveheart: Uh… sure!
I’m not even exaggerating that much.
The music on PLANET BONE is a great change from the usual background ambience on the other planets. The other worlds have very traditional instrumental work. PLANET BONE has music that sounds like a mix between frogs and tribe beats. And it works well with the setting. It’s swampy, gross, and everything looks a little slimier than comfortable. When the ship lands it actually sinks into the mud a bit.
While they’re walking down the corridor to meet the emperor, Graveheart asks King Cryos what Emperor Femur is like.
"How well do you know the Emperor?"
"Well enough to know that his arrogance is only exceeded by his ego."
I can already tell I’m going to like this guy.
Oh- and also while they’re walking, some little slug worms slide across the floor. One goes over Graveheart’s foot- Jade stomps on the next one. And I swear to God, when King Cryos was walking behind her I was so ready for him to accidentally step on the one Jade stamped with her boot.
But he just keeps walking moodily. Damn.
They come to a very open chamber. And a very empty one. Until a spot light pops on and a creature begins to clear his throat. Yes. He is dressed in purple with white lace. Yes. This speech is too good. During it, you see Graveheart give King Cryos a ‘wtf’ face, King Cryos just answers with it ‘yeah, I know, deal’ wave of the hand.
"Kneel and bow, lesser beings, before the awesome power that awaits you! Tremble before the savage might that conquered a thousand planets! Prostrate yourselves before him, whose name may be spoken only in whispers. Behold the infinite terror that is… Femur! Emperor of BONE!... Yay."
Emperor Femur’s entrance combines circus, slip and slides, fake audience applause and disco. YES. Prince Pyrus, being a kid, thinks that acting like your Palace is Chucky Cheese is AWESOME. King Cryos, being an adult, thinks it’s a little much. Emperor Femur, being the bomb, just admits that he fucking loves his entrances.
King Cryos: *face palm* Seriously, Femur. Shut the fireworks off.
/abrupt end to music, lights and fireworks/
Emperor Femur: O HAY BUDDY.
The dialogue is actually the best part. Especially between King Cryos and Femur. ESPECIALLY. That drole British accent just works so well in this situation.
"What’chya doin’ here Cryos? Slummin’?"
"… Obviously."
YESSSS. Seriously, why were they saving all this awesome up until now? Does… does everything just get better when Emperor Femur’s around?
But Graveheart reminds me that this is Shadow Raiders and that there is that old fangled plot to take care of. Or at least he tries to remind me, until Emperor Femur just ups and cuts him off. I love this guy! King Cryos also tries to remind us about the on coming danger of the BEAST PLANET.
And then Lamprey just shows the fuck up from the other room! The first conclusion is that- oh snap a trap! And we get to see the mental process of female lead, Jade.
Jade sees danger.
Jade seeks cause of danger.
Jade chokes the danger.
And that’s why we see Jade choking Femur with his neck… udders? Udders.
"If you think you can trap us, toad-!"
"Ack! No trap- no trap! Lamprey’s a guest! Just like you…!"
We find out Lamprey is trying to get Femur to join her alliance against their alliance’s constant raids. Which, yes, is underhanded, dishonest and just downright mean- it’s also smart. Which is the last time I will compliment the BEAST PLANET's intelligence.
Our good guys try to explain that you can’t trust the BEAST PLANET, Femur tells them (after Jade finally stops man-handling him) not to worry. He’s open for counter offers! Yes. That’s right. Handling his planet’s safety like a car salesman.
And then he promptly starts man-handling Jade. Of course getting his ass whooped.
Cut the scene to Pelvis, Femur’s right-hand-man, dropping some kind of spice onto some worms. On PLANET BONE, that would be dinner. Femur comes up behind him, and Pelvis quickly hides the spice behind his back. He assures Femur that he was just making sure the food is delicieux. Femur man-handles Pelvis and tells him to try the food first.
It looks as if Pelvis makes a hobby out of trying to poison Femur on a regular basis. I love these guys!!
And then it turns up to 11.
Pyrus rushes in and asks if he missed all the fun. From another room we hear crashing plates, yelling and grunting. Femur tells Pyrus he’s just in time. The door opens, and there is a food fight between the Alliance and Lamprey’s BEAST ZOMBIES.
HOLY SHIT you guys.
Femur busts in to tell everyone to eat and enjoy themselves. When King Cryos tries to argue about his attitude, Femur brings up a good fucking point.
"Femur, how can you trivialize the greatest danger ever to face our worlds?"
"Hey, up until about a week ago, my greatest danger was you."
Oh yeah. Remember that whole ‘centuries of hate’ business? It didn’t just disappear now that the BEAST PLANET has shown up. Femur has every right to be prejudicial against the other planets. And it’s nice to see that everyone isn’t rushing to be the ‘OH I’M A GOOD GUY I WILL BE ON THE GOOD GUY’S SIDE’. The show tries to cast Femur as the least likable character, but really he’s the most refreshing at this point.
Some might argue that ‘well Lord Mantel didn’t want to join the Alliance either, why aren’t you gushing about him?’ Good question. I like Femur’s kind of out-right douche personality, because it’s a nice change up from the heroes. But Lord Mantel is literally KING of the douches.
Maybe I like Femur more because his entrance included a slip n slide tongue!!!
So Femur is caught between the arguments over which Alliance is better. It kind of boils down to;
Graveheart: But… we’re the good guys :(!!!
Lamprey: no wai dese gais r liers dood
And then Femur sides with Lamprey.
Commercial cut! In weather, PLANET BONE is foggy and humid as per usual. In Politics, PLANET BONE has just joined in alliance with the mysterious BEAST PLANET. Let’s go to Graveheart for the 411! Graveheart?
"C’mon, we have to hurry! The guards are right behind us!"
Thanks for the update Graveheart!
But yeah. Our resident good guys crash through a wall to run from Femur’s guards. Pyrus says that he’s surprised Cryos would do that to Femur. I feel myself grinning. Cryos argues that it seemed appropriate at the time.
Then cut to Femur having to pry off a pie from his face.
Wait.
Let me just… enjoy it. King Cryos pied someone in the face.
*content sigh*
Okay. Okay.
I’m ready to move on.
"Okay, what’s next… partner?"
"Let’s talk about… protection."
Now available: BEAST PLANET condoms.
Yes, I am that immature.
Cut back to the good guys making for their ship. But- oh Pyrus has run off! What would the plot do without stupid teenagers?
Cut back to Femur and Lamprey. I’ll say this about her, I like her voice actress’ work on this character! Even if the accent’s annoying sometimes- the character is very well done. We see her bitching out BEAST ZOMBIES while they build some ambiguously giant machine. She convinces Femur that this is a ‘force field generator’. But once Femur walks off, we find out she’s in communication with Blokk.
"And he’s a bigger fool than I imagined."
"Our generator will drain the life from the planet. By the time you arrive, it will be helpless."
I do love a vague evil plan. Seriously, drain the life? What does that even mean?
Cut to Pyrus playing Solid Snake through the corridors. Femur, seemingly un-alarmed that one of the people he set out to be arrested is still around, greets him casually. Pyrus is here to convince Femur that Lamprey is badd people.
"Look, my people raided your planet for its resources. The BEAST PLANET destroys for the sheer pleasure of it!"
Uh, how does he know that? For all we know, the BEAST PLANET honestly has to survive by digesting other planets!
Yeah okay I’m just being anal now.
Pyrus goes on to explain that Lamprey is pure evil. Femur admits that, yeah, she comes off like a bit of a raging bitch. And at that moment, Raging Bitch shows up.
Lamprey: wat the fuk man!!!
Femur: Don’t have a period about it, I just found him.
Lamprey: o ok he cna go in mai room ;)
Not even joking.
"Take the child to my chambers."
WHAT.
Despite the puppy eyes Pyrus throws, Femur plays dick and lets Lamprey take Pyrus away.
Scene change back to the good guys. PLANET BONE guards are unconscious outside of their ship. Jade is cracking her knuckles, acting like a caveman.
Jade: Jade like PUNCHING.
King Cryos: I concur.
King Cryos says it's time to contact the alliance, but Graveheart asks if anyone knows where Pyrus is.
Jade: Jade am think he with you.
King Cryos: Oh god the Vizier is going to shit himself.
How on Earth did they not notice he was missing until now? There's only four people in their group! And their concern seems super misplaced.
"Well I suggest we find him, and quickly."
Because he's only a kid? Because he's the Prince of an entire planet? Because we care about him as a main character?
"His Vizier will want to know why he's missing."
"Maybe he won't notice?"
Someone else must be writing this this time. It's just- the dialogue's too amazing. We cut to a telphone fire call between the Vizier and King Cryos. SERIOUSLY? They called the guy who was ready to knife them when they first arrived on PLANET FIRE, with the news that his Prince has been kidnapped.We don't see them actually get to say it. It just cuts off after 'you're not gonna like this...'. What we don't see is the Vizier having a heart attack.
And then what happens next... I can't really explain?
We cut to Lamprey and her 'force field generator'. She tells Blokk to move in with his BEAST DRONES, just as she activates the machine. The BEAST DRONES, along with some of PLANET ICE's soldier ships on tail, head towards PLANET BONE and it's new pink force field. Ignoring the fact that they built a force field that covers the entire planet within a few hours, I see that the BEAST DRONES are able to fly right through it, but the Ice soldiers get zapped and deleted.
And then.. Femur and his guards are standing by the generator. While they stare up at the sky, the ground around the generator turns into grey ash. It spreads to one of the guards, who goes into standing seizure, cries out and is also turned to ash. This would be horrifying- if it was a main character. So we don't care. Moving on.
Femur asks the pertinent question of WTF, but Lamprey just laughs. It only dawns on Femur now that he's been double-crossed. Only took about fifteen minutes in.
Commercial cut! When we come back, the BEAST PLANET has begun its destruction of PLANET BONE. Fleets of BEAST DRONES fly in and drop off more BEAST ZOMBIES to play. PLANET BONE's soldiers are being deleted left and right, and Femur is running away. Get used to this. He actually manages to escape Lamprey by some kind of squishy tunnel.
HEY O!
Back to the good guys. Jade hasn't punched anything in five minutes so she's getting antsy. King Cryos explains that the force field generator is only functional by leeching energy from PLANET BONE. Okay, I'll buy that. What I don't buy is the fact that there are STILL ICE SHIPS FLYING INTO THE SHIELD. What the hell are they, moths?!
Cut to Femur in his batcave. He's watching the BEAST DRONES on a set of orbs, including the scene of Pyrus still being escorted to Lamprey's chambers by BEAST ZOMBIES. And what happens next is actually ... pretty bad ass! He pulls a lever so that the lights go out in the hall where Pyrus and the BEAST ZOMBIES are. Some shooting and laser shows later, the lights come back on to find Pyrus alone. He looks around- only to see that PLANET BONE soldiers disappearing into the water that lines the floor- giving a thumbs up.
This would all be AWESOME- if it meant anything. Right behind Pyrus is another squad of BEAST ZOMBIES. Thankfully, Femur isn't done yet. He gives the coordinates to Pyrus' location and then--
what?
... WHAT?
Where the hell did Graveheart and the others come from?! Weren't they stuck outside the fucking FORCE SHIELD? Wasn't that the big problem? How'd they get back on PLANET BONE?
Did they just-- did they just not leave? Were they on the planet the entire time?
*Re-watches*
Well-- they're watching the fleet of BEAST DRONES fly through the force shield from outside of it on screen. This leads me to believe they took off from the planet! For all we know though, he's getting a camera feed from another ship outside the force field.
And even if not- there are BEAST DRONES everywhere. They would have been discovered for sure!
*holding head* What
SO THE GOOD GUYS BUST IN TO SAVE PYRUS, I actually almost forget the giant plot hole when we get to see King Cryos acting like a badass. Graveheart is making conversation while Pyrus is blocking phaser beams with his staff ugh ugh ugh.
They point out that Pyrus must have had an effect on Femur, since the dude is responsible for saving his life. Jade remarks that Femur still has time to fuck them. Which is a neat idea, when you think about it. I mean, they're all in one place. This would be the perfect spot for a trap.
But we get a scene change instead. Lamprey is gloating about her plan like a bad Bond villain.
"With Blokk and his drones protecting the generator, any hope for survival is just an illusion."
And from this small patch of monologue, Femur somehow puts together an idea. He contacts the good guys, who are now back on their ship. He says to shoot the generator on his signal- and I pray for a few seconds that this sudden stroke of genius is not simply shoot it. But Cryos reiterates that the generator is being heavily guarded by BEAST ZOMBIES. Femur, while giving his best car salesman smile, replies with,
"Trust meee."
They do, mainly because they're desperate. Which is a great way to describe their relationship with Femur. We cut back to him, where he unleashes his masterful plan. Inspired by Lamprey's talk of illusions, Femur pops up about fifty or so holograms of Bone ships around the generator. Blokk, freaked, orders the BEAST DRONES to attack the ships. Leaving the generator defenseless. Good job Blokk.
So of course, Graveheart shoots that shit to pieces, rendering the force field offline. Since this was their only real idea, the BEAST flies their asses off the planet, leaving PLANET BONE to fart another day.
Pyrus: Yeah!. I knew Femur would come through!
Jade: FUCK THAT GUY.
Oh Jade.
Cut back to Femur's palace. No shame, this guy. No shame. They walk in and Femur is lounging in his throne.
Femur: YEAH. I KNOW. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Jade: Murder.
He agrees to join their alliance, and despite the urges to kill, is aalll up on Jade. Graveheart actually pulls a 'What. The fuck.' face while Femur is totally petting her. But drops it for another speech about teamwork. They go to clap their hands on top of each other in a circle and-- Cryos makes a face like he just got punched in the mouth? Nice.
Cut to the BEAST, foreshadowing the next episode. I'd love to tell you what Lamprey is saying, but her accent is so thick I can't translate it. So I'll just say that while she's talking, the screen turns to the PLANET ICE chamber where Snow white Tekla is being kept in stasis.
Annd yeah. That's the end. That's episode four. I'm uh..
I'm tired.