The Big O: Part 2/5
Title: The Big O
Pairing: None as yet.
Genre: Crackfic
Disclaimer: Not mine. Boo.
Author’s Notes: My first foray into JE fic - conser and krissonia made me do it. :|
Summary: "I went to Greece for you!" The mighty jimusho has a problem, management has a solution, and Ueda has no idea why even the gods are taking it out on him.
Part One
"Pack your bags, Ueda-kun. I want you on the next flight to Greece."
Two.
Suffice to say that the Ueda Tatsuya who found himself slumped on a barstool in the south wing of Narita International's Terminal 1 nigh on three hours later was not a happy Ueda. He had a only a small duffle at his feet, a pair of overlarge aviators shielding his eyes and his instructions: go straight through security, wait until the support team makes contact, avoid eye contact, speak to no one.
Johnny's, Ueda thought idly, was the only jimusho in the industry that could treat Ueda like a double knot spy and still make him feel like a rowdy six year old - and they didn't spring for coffee. W-inds. was going to New York. International idols didn't have to put up with managers sending them on surprise international errands without coffee.
"He's got to be around here somewhere."
Ueda whimpered and sank lower in his chair.
"Why is it Ueda-senpai? I thought they were sending Nakamaru-senpai."
"He's busy."
"Whatever - at least he doesn't hide. I thought we were supposed to get some pre-departure footage."
Oh no, Ueda thought. No, he couldn't possibly be that unlucky.
"Wait, I think I see him."
And yet, he was.
"Where?"
"He's right there. Ueda-kun?" Uchi called out, waving with both arms. Kusano fumbled in his bag and produced a camcorder.
"Fuck me," Ueda groaned. Still, he raised a hand and waved. "Hi, what are you doing here?"
"We're your 'support team', Ueda." Uchi made little air-quotations and rolled his eyes. "Apparently 'trainee' is a euphemism for gofer."
"Excited for the trip?" Kusano grinned and nearly brained Ueda with the camera when they hugged.
"No."
Kusano deflated. "Can you act excited for, like, thirty seconds?"
"Get that lens out of my face and I'll consider it," he snapped.
"Sorry, Ueda-kun." Kusano patted Ueda awkwardly on the shoulder with his left hand; he was busy using his right to zoom in on a blackhead on Ueda's chin. "Powers that Be said you have to make up for all the Shounen Club skits you've sat out over the years. That's, what, six-"
"Seven," Uchi broke in.
"Seven hours of air time. Don't worry, though - the footage will only be used on your show."
Ueda rubbed his temples and shuffled towards the gate as soon as boarding was announced for his section, for the first time in his life not minding the surly flight attendants barking out "no electronics."
: :
The cocktail of anti-nauseants and alcohol Ueda had taken before the flight didn't wear off until many hours later; he only vaguely remembered Uchi and Kusano manhandling him through customs and the next thing he knew he was firmly entrenched in Athens' Plaka
"Please to be woken, miss," a deep voice boomed from the front of the car.
Ueda opened one eye, if only to snap at Kusano on principle, and immediately wished he hadn't. From his vantage point he quickly surmised that he was in the backseat of a rust-addled Pinto in urban Greece at the height of morning rush hour. More disturbing was the boarish man looming over him.
Uchi and Kusano were nowhere to be seen.
"Eeep," Ueda said. It took him nearly two minutes to regain control of his faculties.
The man had wiry hair, watery grey eyes and looked nearly as big as the car itself, but his grin was genial. He raised a meaty paw. "I Stavros," he said.
Ueda recoiled. "Um."
"Is okay. I am driver." Stavros spoke Japanese like Gackt spoke French: poorly, but his ego and expansive gestures made up for it. "Your friends said you do this. The short one is sneaky. Looks like racoon."
"Yeah." Kusano, that rat-bastard, had probably left Ueda alone to film his reaction from a secret hideout. Ueda plotted glittery revenge as Stavros extracted him from the bowels of the Pinto.
As Stavros unloaded Ueda's bags from the back Ueda concentrated on trying to coax feeling back into his legs. Just when he'd finally managed to stand and wiggle his toes without going into spasms, Stavros had juggled the bags and finished retying the twine holding the hatch closed. Dropping the luggage at Ueda's feet, he threw out his arm with a flourish. "Athens," he proclaimed.
From where Ueda stood, Athens looked like a hive. Map-laden tourists marched along marbled sidewalks in packs; shoppers scuttled along cobblestone side streets, occasionally surfacing for water from one of many street vendors or the hub-like McDonald's. Old men with pushcarts perched outside hotels, selling fresh doughnuts and pretzels while feral dogs watched the proceedings from the beneath the carts, sometimes darting out for crumbs, or to steal an unwary tourist from another dog's pack. Above it all sat the Acropolis, at once majestic and forlorn, watching as the afternoon breeze coated the city in yet another fine layer of grit.
"Whoa."
"It is grand, yes?" Leaving no room for a reply, Stavros continued, "We leave for Delphi tomorrow. Hotel now?" Ueda shook his head.
"I need a phone," he said. "I need a phone and something to bludgeon Kusa-- the racoon with."
Stavros nodded. "This way."
: :
After passing by the McDonald's, where Uchi and Kusano had ordered half the menu, Stavros carted Ueda through a labyrinth of side streets and back alleys to a tiny, smelly butcher shop.
"Why here?" Ueda asked.
Stavros shrugged. "He owes me money."
The butcher, apparently Stavros' third cousin, kissed Ueda's cheek upon their arrival ("Ah, Mykonos has such beautiful girls.") and began joking with Stavros in rapid Greek after giving Ueda a leg of lamb and access to an ancient cordless. Ueda took the receiver outside, eager to escape the cloying scent of blood.
"Hi." Ueda sighed in relief when Jin answered on the third ring. "It's me."
"Yo," Jin said. "What's up? Isn't it, like, four am for you?"
Ueda smiled. "I'm in Greece."
"The musical? Oh that's harsh, even for Johnny's."
"Yeah, I - wait. What? Bakanishi."
Jin chuckled, low, smooth and infectious. "Sorry. Been in L.A. too long, I guess. How are things?"
"This morning I was exiled to Greece because Johnny wants to consult a nonexistent Oracle and right now I'm being leered at by a decapitated squid. You?"
"I've gained nine kilograms and last night a girl I've never met critiqued my lyrics by telling me it was rude to cum before I fuck."
Ueda laughed. "There's a keeper. You get her number?"
"Shit no. At least your problems don't involve have rabies-"
Jin's reply was drowned out by a shriek echoing off the buildings; Ueda glanced over his shoulder and saw Kusano doubled-over, squeaking in hysterics; he had one hand braced against a tree for support, the other holding the camera and following a wailing blur being chased hither-thither across the court by a half dozen feral dogs, each of the skinny mongrels fighting for ownership of said blur.
"Sorry, I'd better go. Uchi's about to be mauled by a pack of dogs."
"Oh, so your problems do have rabies," Jin said. "Call me tomorrow, okay? I can't call your cell outside Japan."
Ueda replaced the receiver and went to herd up the boys for lunch.
: :
Sometime between their arrival in Athens and when "those damned dogs" had decided to make him their chew toy, Uchi had purchased a cell phone from a tiny grey-haired man with an electric-purple pushcart. Since then, Nishikido Ryo had called "to check up" on Uchi.
Twelve times.
Ueda was not pleased. Nishikido's incessant interruptions were distracting Ueda from an otherwise peaceful meal; Uchi's chirpy ringtone had begun to grate on Ueda's nerves like an errant mosquito. Much like Nishikido himself.
When it rang for the thirteenth time, Ueda made a hasty grab for the phone. Uchi blocked him easily, but did duck his head in apology before he answered. Kusano sighed and rolled his eyes. Ueda stabbed at a brick of feta and, after six olives had bounced onto the floor and not his mouth, began to shamelessly eavesdrop.
"Sure thing," Uchi was saying. "But, Ryo-chan - " he broke off and rolled his eyes. "But, Ryo-sama," he repeated. "I - nevermind."
Ueda glanced side-long at Kusano. "Uchi calls him Ryo-sama?"
"We both do." Kusano made a face. "His ominence wishes to be addressed in deference to our current trainee status."
Ueda nodded and turned back to back to table only to see Uchi eyeing them, arm extended.
"He says he wants to talk to you," he said, passing the phone to Kusano, who gave it to Ueda with a shrug.
"Yes?"
"Eh, no hello?" came the reply. "For shame, Ueda. I thought you tortured artist types were big on etiquette."
Ueda sighed. "Nishikido, I'm working."
"I got up at three this morning for CM filming before busting my ass in two concerts. Now I'm spending three hours on a train so the Osaka producers can film me losing at poker and eating boiled squid for the hell of it," Ryo said. "Don't talk to me about work."
"What do you want?"
"I want you to be a decent senpai for once in your life and make sure your little cohorts don't get themselves into trouble while you're over there."
Ueda bristled. "Shut up."
"You shut up. I know about the bootlegged absinthe they've got over there. Don't let Uchi near it."
"He's not a child," Ueda huffed. "He can take care of himself."
"Just because he's not a pussy like you doesn't mean he doesn't need people looking out for him."
"Hey!"
"Ueda."
"Nishikido."
"Ueda."
"Ryo-sama."
"I'm not fucking with you, Ueda. Just do me a favour." He paused. "And it's Nishikido to you."
A scuffle broke out as Kusano tried to steal Uchi's share of the saganaki. Uchi retaliated by swiping the last piece of lamb and covering Kusano's plate in tzatziki.
"Ne, Ryo-sama, I don't think you need to worry." Ueda was droll.
"Please, Ueda." Ryo's voice went quiet. "Just look out for him, all right?"
Unsettled, Ueda fumbled for a response. "Hai, I get it, Nero-sama. Now don't you have a city to burn?" The phone snapped shut on Ueda's fingers.
Uchi slipped the mobile into his shirt pocket. "That comeback was almost cool," he said.
Ueda preened.
"Totally wrong civilization though," Kusano said. "Pass the baklava."
: :
"Cars I not drive often," Stavros called over his shoulder as he weaved between two trucks. He had to shout to be heard over the noise. All the windows were down, as the Pinto had no fan and the temperature had risen almost before the Sun.
Ueda swallowed and hid his face between his knees. "You don't say."
"Most times I drive bus." He made a box-like shape, gesturing with both hands. "In Japan you have bus?"
"Erm, yeah," Uchi called back, half smiling. "Just the one, though."
The Pinto's engine burped and lurched between gears in retribution. Ueda turned to Uchi, eyes wide.
"Stop that. Please."
Uchi smiled and wrapped his arm around Ueda's shoulders. "Don't mind, senpai," he said, "Think of it as Disneyland. We're just along for the - oh god."
"We're going to die."
Stavros had pulled into the opposing lane to pass a battered pickup, and laughed aloud as they raced towards an oncoming trailer. Ueda hugged his knees. Uchi did the same, bracing for impact. Kusano had fallen asleep in the passenger seat the moment Stavros had started the car.
Stavros let out a whoop as the narrowly slid back into their own lane and made a move to pass again three seconds later. Uchi groaned.
"How much further until Delphi, again?" he asked.
: :
Kusano was at least slightly apologetic when brought out the camera to film Ueda's first steps in the Peloponnese - though he did laugh when Ueda managed to trip and hit his head while crawling out of the Pinto.
Uchi helped him dust off and eyed their surroundings. Delphi was a bustling metropolis, with two tiny one-way streets bisecting the town and a small square at the centre. The boys would be staying in a small inn, owned by Stavros' aunt.
Ueda jammed his fists into his pockets. "I want to stay in a decent hotel. Just once."
"Are you related to everyone here?" Uchi asked.
Stavros shrugged. "It's Greece."
The inn lay on the outskirts of town, bordering the suburbs - which were within sight of the town square. The boys dropped off their bags and fumbled their way through introductions with the family over a very large dinner before setting off on foot for the old temple grounds.
Half an hour later, the trio were well on their way to a collective coronary, swearing colourfully in several languages all the while. The temple grounds were but a few boulders and three-foot column sections in the middle of a field. There was no sign of the Pythia they'd been told to meet.
Uchi had fervently declared the situation a bust and suggested they make something up and skive off to Santorini for the rest of the weekend. Ueda, covered in grimy marble dust and knee deep in thistles, was about to agree to a few days on the beach when Kusano cried out.
"Look!"
There, in the middle of the ruins, was a very crude map - tied to the horn of a rather disgruntled goat.
Uchi raised a brow. "Guess they were out of doves."
As soon as Uchi had taken the map, the goat lumbered away from the column and went to stand by an opening in the side of the hill a few hundred yards away. Kusano pointed to the paper in Uchi's hands. A brownish blob sat atop a dark smudge, smiling out at them; the goat pawed at the ground.
"So apparently we're supposed to follow it," Kusano said, focusing his camera on Ueda once more. "Say cheese."
Ueda groaned.
: :
They followed the goat and the map through a maze of several torchlit tunnels until Uchi was dizzy from claustrophobia and, by Kusano's approximation, they were standing several metres under the temple ruins themselves. Ueda would have turned back much earlier, but the map was too smudged to be of much use, and the goat had already taken a chunk out of Ueda's shirt in a previous escape attempt.
Several hundred metres later the tunnel widened, revealing a small cave.
"Finally," Uchi sighed.
"Welcome, my friends!" a voice called out. The three of them jumped.
Ueda squinted through a haze of smoke. The light was bad, but he could just make out a woman sitting in the centre of the cave, at the edge of a cliff; four foot flames leapt up from a pit behind her. She was dressed in a loose white robe with that was covered enough not to impede Ueda's brain functions, but not enough to stop him from squeaking and blushing a deep red.
"Please," she called, "come, sit, stay a while. The air is wonderful down here."
They knelt side-by-side, as far from the flames as possible without seeming overly rude. Kusano and Uchi each took out a camcorder.
"My name is Philomena," she said. "You are Uchi, Kusano and Ueda-kun, of course."
Ueda cleared his throat and stared at the ground.
"I understand you have some advice for us," he said, wringing his hands.
"Indeed I do." Her voice was low and smooth. Her eyes shone red in the firelight; her gold bangles flickered with each movement.
Uchi elbowed Ueda when Philomena didn't elaborate. "Could you - tell us?" he asked.
She smiled. "Come closer, Ueda-kun," she said, patting the ground beside her.
Ueda tiptoed to where Philomena was kneeling, glancing over his shoulder at Uchi and Kusano. They grinned and made shooing motions while the goat stood behind them, munching on their map.
Bastards.
Philomena smiled wider. "Look into the flames, Ueda-kun. What do you see?"
Ueda dropped to a crouch and, at her urging, scooted closer to peer over the edge of the cavern. He thought he saw the outline of a man in the flames, but Philomena snapped her fingers just as the figure made to turn around and a wall of flame shot up, forcing Ueda to scramble backwards. He patted his hair nervously.
"Was that-"
"Yes."
"How-"
Philomena smiled again. Her teeth glowed in the firelight. "'Divine powers," she said. She breathed deeply. "Good stuff. Go ahead, have a sniff."
Ueda hesitated. "I'd really rather not."
"Have a sniff," she repeated, then placed her hand on the back of Ueda's neck and pushed him into a cloud of acrid smoke. The fumes were thick, cloying, made him choke on his tongue.
"What the hell are you burning?" he spluttered.
"Carmine enamel from the roof of an ancient church on the beaches of Mykonos and snatches of bracken from a long-forgotten copse deep in the heart of the Peloponnese."
Kusano coughed.
"Red paint chips and bits of thistle she found in a culvert," Uchi murmured to the camera.
One of the larger branches split with a deafening crack and another cloud wafted Ueda's way.
The smoke hit him like a bullet train, robbed his lungs of air. He gasped, spine locked, muscles taut; fingers clenched and toes curled. Ueda couldn't hear for the rush of blood and beat of his heart; the hairs on the back of his neck were on-end; his scalp was numb. He couldn't see.
"More," he whispered. He needed more. Uchi and Kusano were probably laughing in the background but they didn't understand - the smoke was ambrosia, bloody life itself. It was rushing wind and deep, salty seas; thunderstorms over Tokyo, running through the rain, hair plastered to slick skin; it was open kisses, nails and teeth, Hell, it was sex with a god on a bed of gold and that little bit wasn't enough because already the thrum in his veins was dimming; it wasn't nearly enough but it was so very, very -
"Good, right?" Philomena tapped her nose.
Ueda nodded and scooted closer to the edge, inhaling deeply. His ensuing sent the goat into a fit of frantic braying. Ueda turned to face the others; Uchi bit his lip and glanced at Kusano, face grave.
"This is not good," he said.
Ueda shrugged and leaned into the smoke again.
: :
"This is amazing," Kusano said. He took another drag before passing the cigarillo back to Uchi. "Where did you find these?"
"Cigar shop behind the hotel in Athens," Uchi said. "I think they put opium in the filter."
Kusano took the cigarillo again, kept it between his lips while he stretched idly and tried not to drop ash on his ankle.
Uchi was settled cross-legged against the cave wall, adjusting the aperture settings on the camera. "My brilliant tobacco sense aside," he said, "this is a total bust. They haven't done anything but singe their eyebrows."
Just then Ueda stripped off his shirt and began pacing in front of the fire, skin glistening in the firelight and chest heaving with laughter.
Kusano raised a brow. "Camera?"
"Rolling."
"So we were all backstage afterwards like this, right," Ueda was saying, slipping between languages every fourth word. "And we were all backstage screaming at each other and then Ka- Ka- Kamenashi comes back and it gets all quiet for a second, right, until he starts in and then - and then - " he broke off snickering and leaned down to whisper in the Philomena's ear.
"Tell us too," Uchi pouted, zooming in. "Once more for the kids at home?"
Ueda blinked. Twice. His pupils were so large his eyes appeared black; he showed no signs of recognizing Uchi or Kusano. Everything was eerily quite until -
"He punched the leader!" Philomena crowed.
The fire belched.
Ueda flashed Uchi's camera a sheepish 'V'.
: :
"This is so cool, he says," Uchi parroted a quarter of an hour later. "They're stoned. We'll never be able to show this to Johnny. The managers are going to make us be stage hands for life."
"Shut up, it's still better than back dancing on Shounen Club."
Uchi pursed his lips. "I dunno," he said. "Can't really remember."
Kusano sighed. "They haven't even done anything interesting."
"You aside from Ueda-kun recanting his life story while under the influence?"
"Yeah."
"I know."
"But this could be good." Uchi frantically shushed Kusano. Cameras in hand, they scrambled closer to the action.
Philomena had raised herself to stand, dragging Ueda by the hair until he was on his knees before her.
"You want to know?" she called out.
Philomena burst into motion at Ueda's hesitant nod. She lunged forward and tore the pendant from around his throat before placing her foot on his chest and sending him sprawling backwards. Ueda, it seemed, had either been knocked unconscious or fainted in terror, because he didn't move from where he'd fallen.
Pendant in hand, Philomena paced slowly towards the edge of the flame. She stood still for a moment then raised her arms and flicked the pendant into the fire. A fierce wind swept through the cavern as soon as the pendant fell from her fingertips, seeming to come from the fire itself. Flames leapt up to lick at the ceiling. Philomena stood before the flames, arms outstretched and head thrown back while Uchi and Kusano cowered behind her. The boys watched in horror as her eyes clouded over and she began to speak in a voice much deeper than her own.
"Red tape will forge two golden harmonies."
: :
"And?"
Ueda was battling either the worst hangover of his life or the combined fury of a thousand Akame fangirls, armed with voodoo. Adding to his miserable state was the fact that he was awake, in the sun, and fielding calls from a boisterous manager six hours earlier than he'd hoped to awake. He'd voiced his displeasure by showing up to breakfast decked out like a vampire in Siberia.
"You spoke to the Pythia?" Koda, Ueda mused, had obviously had a double shot of fangirl in his morning espresso. "What did she say?"
Ueda pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Something about covering your fields with the finest cloth and, uh- " he broke off, snapping his fingers at Uchi. Uchi shrugged.
"Keeping a dragon by the door," Kusano mumbled around his granola.
" - and keep a dragon by your door." Ueda said.
The line went dead.
Kusano peered at the blank screen over Ueda's shoulder. "He hung up."
"I am dead!" Ueda wailed.
"That's the hangover talking," Uchi murmured. "They'll call back."
The trio fell into relative silence, Uchi and Kusano languid in the heat, Ueda paralysed by fear.
"Shit, it's hot." Uchi was sprawled in his chair, shirtless, basking in the sun; lulled into a doze by the rhythm of Ueda's panicked wheezing.
Kusano plucked at his tank top. "Yeah, but it's a dry heat, you know?" he said. "Not humid like Tokyo; and you can pretty much chew on the air in Tokyo."
Ueda - clad only in a knit cap, aviators and a lumpy black sweater, three sizes too large - huddled closer around his Turkish coffee and said nothing.
A few moments later, the cell rang. All three men stared at it as though it might detonate. A dog barked in the distance on the fourth ring, breaking the tableau.
Uchi opened a bottle of nail polish. "Just play it cool, Ueda."
"Oh thank god-" Kusano punched Ueda in the shoulder. "I mean, hello?"
"Sorry about that, Ueda-kun, I dropped the phone. Now, are you absolutely sure that's what the Oracle said?"
"Yes."
There was an abrupt click and a tinny keyboard rendition of Oh! ENKA came over the line.
"You got put on hold?" Uchi asked.
Ueda sighed.
Kusano winced in sympathy. "Ouch."
Another click; the music was replaced by heavy breathing. Ueda grimaced and set the phone in the centre of the table, on speaker.
"Tatsu-chan?" a voice asked. "Johnny here. I'm with your manager and a couple of my associates - we've got you on speaker. Care to repeat what you told your manager a few minutes ago?"
Ueda relayed a brief, edited version of the night's events with a growing sense of dread. Kusano began filming Uchi's right ear from artistic angles while Uchi finished painting a second coat of apricot over Kusano's toenails.
"And then she said 'keep a dragon by your door' and passed out," Ueda finished.
There was a long pause.
When he did speak, Johnny's voice was very quiet, his syllables clipped. "Are you absolutely certain?"
"He's an idol," Kusano snickered, "not a goldfish."
"No offense," Uchi added.
Ueda opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by Johnny's chuckles. "It's all right, son," he said, louder now. "I get it. I was right. Damn it, I was right."
Enthusiastic clapping and several whoops exploded through the speaker. Ueda winced and cut the volume in half. "Right about what?" he called.
Johnny chuckled again. "The best path, of course. Now pack your bags; I expect to see you in Osaka tomorrow morning - nine, sharp."
"I. What. Osaka? But - I. Why Osaka?"
Kusano glanced at Uchi, who merely shrugged.
"You'll be forming a new unit with Nishikido Ryo."
Ueda toppled off his chair.
"What."
Koda spoke up again. "We're thinking of calling it 'Tension'. You'll be doing a single for Attention Please 2 but you may work together for much longer."
"No."
"Incredible, isn't it?"
"Please, no." Ueda clutched at his chest.
"You'll be debuting on Shounen Club in two weeks."
"But I went to Greece for you," Ueda wailed. "I consulted an Oracle!"
"And," Koda interrupted, "and the Oracle confirmed Johnny's plan to put you in a unit with Nishikido-kun."
"Whoa," Uchi whispered. "Did she really say that?" Kusano shrugged.
"We think you'll do very well. Our focus group predicts you'll be in Oricon's top three at the end of the year."
"Shit, he's turning purple." Kusano looked stricken. "Ueda? Ueda, breathe with me."
"Ueda-kun?"
Ueda threw the phone on the ground and jumped on it twice before storming inside - blindly, with tears bleeding hot trails down his cheeks - with every intention of hiding under his covers and pretending the last half hour had never happened.
: :
Three
Pairing: None as yet.
Genre: Crackfic
Disclaimer: Not mine. Boo.
Author’s Notes: My first foray into JE fic - conser and krissonia made me do it. :|
Summary: "I went to Greece for you!" The mighty jimusho has a problem, management has a solution, and Ueda has no idea why even the gods are taking it out on him.
Part One
"Pack your bags, Ueda-kun. I want you on the next flight to Greece."
Two.
Suffice to say that the Ueda Tatsuya who found himself slumped on a barstool in the south wing of Narita International's Terminal 1 nigh on three hours later was not a happy Ueda. He had a only a small duffle at his feet, a pair of overlarge aviators shielding his eyes and his instructions: go straight through security, wait until the support team makes contact, avoid eye contact, speak to no one.
Johnny's, Ueda thought idly, was the only jimusho in the industry that could treat Ueda like a double knot spy and still make him feel like a rowdy six year old - and they didn't spring for coffee. W-inds. was going to New York. International idols didn't have to put up with managers sending them on surprise international errands without coffee.
"He's got to be around here somewhere."
Ueda whimpered and sank lower in his chair.
"Why is it Ueda-senpai? I thought they were sending Nakamaru-senpai."
"He's busy."
"Whatever - at least he doesn't hide. I thought we were supposed to get some pre-departure footage."
Oh no, Ueda thought. No, he couldn't possibly be that unlucky.
"Wait, I think I see him."
And yet, he was.
"Where?"
"He's right there. Ueda-kun?" Uchi called out, waving with both arms. Kusano fumbled in his bag and produced a camcorder.
"Fuck me," Ueda groaned. Still, he raised a hand and waved. "Hi, what are you doing here?"
"We're your 'support team', Ueda." Uchi made little air-quotations and rolled his eyes. "Apparently 'trainee' is a euphemism for gofer."
"Excited for the trip?" Kusano grinned and nearly brained Ueda with the camera when they hugged.
"No."
Kusano deflated. "Can you act excited for, like, thirty seconds?"
"Get that lens out of my face and I'll consider it," he snapped.
"Sorry, Ueda-kun." Kusano patted Ueda awkwardly on the shoulder with his left hand; he was busy using his right to zoom in on a blackhead on Ueda's chin. "Powers that Be said you have to make up for all the Shounen Club skits you've sat out over the years. That's, what, six-"
"Seven," Uchi broke in.
"Seven hours of air time. Don't worry, though - the footage will only be used on your show."
Ueda rubbed his temples and shuffled towards the gate as soon as boarding was announced for his section, for the first time in his life not minding the surly flight attendants barking out "no electronics."
: :
The cocktail of anti-nauseants and alcohol Ueda had taken before the flight didn't wear off until many hours later; he only vaguely remembered Uchi and Kusano manhandling him through customs and the next thing he knew he was firmly entrenched in Athens' Plaka
"Please to be woken, miss," a deep voice boomed from the front of the car.
Ueda opened one eye, if only to snap at Kusano on principle, and immediately wished he hadn't. From his vantage point he quickly surmised that he was in the backseat of a rust-addled Pinto in urban Greece at the height of morning rush hour. More disturbing was the boarish man looming over him.
Uchi and Kusano were nowhere to be seen.
"Eeep," Ueda said. It took him nearly two minutes to regain control of his faculties.
The man had wiry hair, watery grey eyes and looked nearly as big as the car itself, but his grin was genial. He raised a meaty paw. "I Stavros," he said.
Ueda recoiled. "Um."
"Is okay. I am driver." Stavros spoke Japanese like Gackt spoke French: poorly, but his ego and expansive gestures made up for it. "Your friends said you do this. The short one is sneaky. Looks like racoon."
"Yeah." Kusano, that rat-bastard, had probably left Ueda alone to film his reaction from a secret hideout. Ueda plotted glittery revenge as Stavros extracted him from the bowels of the Pinto.
As Stavros unloaded Ueda's bags from the back Ueda concentrated on trying to coax feeling back into his legs. Just when he'd finally managed to stand and wiggle his toes without going into spasms, Stavros had juggled the bags and finished retying the twine holding the hatch closed. Dropping the luggage at Ueda's feet, he threw out his arm with a flourish. "Athens," he proclaimed.
From where Ueda stood, Athens looked like a hive. Map-laden tourists marched along marbled sidewalks in packs; shoppers scuttled along cobblestone side streets, occasionally surfacing for water from one of many street vendors or the hub-like McDonald's. Old men with pushcarts perched outside hotels, selling fresh doughnuts and pretzels while feral dogs watched the proceedings from the beneath the carts, sometimes darting out for crumbs, or to steal an unwary tourist from another dog's pack. Above it all sat the Acropolis, at once majestic and forlorn, watching as the afternoon breeze coated the city in yet another fine layer of grit.
"Whoa."
"It is grand, yes?" Leaving no room for a reply, Stavros continued, "We leave for Delphi tomorrow. Hotel now?" Ueda shook his head.
"I need a phone," he said. "I need a phone and something to bludgeon Kusa-- the racoon with."
Stavros nodded. "This way."
: :
After passing by the McDonald's, where Uchi and Kusano had ordered half the menu, Stavros carted Ueda through a labyrinth of side streets and back alleys to a tiny, smelly butcher shop.
"Why here?" Ueda asked.
Stavros shrugged. "He owes me money."
The butcher, apparently Stavros' third cousin, kissed Ueda's cheek upon their arrival ("Ah, Mykonos has such beautiful girls.") and began joking with Stavros in rapid Greek after giving Ueda a leg of lamb and access to an ancient cordless. Ueda took the receiver outside, eager to escape the cloying scent of blood.
"Hi." Ueda sighed in relief when Jin answered on the third ring. "It's me."
"Yo," Jin said. "What's up? Isn't it, like, four am for you?"
Ueda smiled. "I'm in Greece."
"The musical? Oh that's harsh, even for Johnny's."
"Yeah, I - wait. What? Bakanishi."
Jin chuckled, low, smooth and infectious. "Sorry. Been in L.A. too long, I guess. How are things?"
"This morning I was exiled to Greece because Johnny wants to consult a nonexistent Oracle and right now I'm being leered at by a decapitated squid. You?"
"I've gained nine kilograms and last night a girl I've never met critiqued my lyrics by telling me it was rude to cum before I fuck."
Ueda laughed. "There's a keeper. You get her number?"
"Shit no. At least your problems don't involve have rabies-"
Jin's reply was drowned out by a shriek echoing off the buildings; Ueda glanced over his shoulder and saw Kusano doubled-over, squeaking in hysterics; he had one hand braced against a tree for support, the other holding the camera and following a wailing blur being chased hither-thither across the court by a half dozen feral dogs, each of the skinny mongrels fighting for ownership of said blur.
"Sorry, I'd better go. Uchi's about to be mauled by a pack of dogs."
"Oh, so your problems do have rabies," Jin said. "Call me tomorrow, okay? I can't call your cell outside Japan."
Ueda replaced the receiver and went to herd up the boys for lunch.
: :
Sometime between their arrival in Athens and when "those damned dogs" had decided to make him their chew toy, Uchi had purchased a cell phone from a tiny grey-haired man with an electric-purple pushcart. Since then, Nishikido Ryo had called "to check up" on Uchi.
Twelve times.
Ueda was not pleased. Nishikido's incessant interruptions were distracting Ueda from an otherwise peaceful meal; Uchi's chirpy ringtone had begun to grate on Ueda's nerves like an errant mosquito. Much like Nishikido himself.
When it rang for the thirteenth time, Ueda made a hasty grab for the phone. Uchi blocked him easily, but did duck his head in apology before he answered. Kusano sighed and rolled his eyes. Ueda stabbed at a brick of feta and, after six olives had bounced onto the floor and not his mouth, began to shamelessly eavesdrop.
"Sure thing," Uchi was saying. "But, Ryo-chan - " he broke off and rolled his eyes. "But, Ryo-sama," he repeated. "I - nevermind."
Ueda glanced side-long at Kusano. "Uchi calls him Ryo-sama?"
"We both do." Kusano made a face. "His ominence wishes to be addressed in deference to our current trainee status."
Ueda nodded and turned back to back to table only to see Uchi eyeing them, arm extended.
"He says he wants to talk to you," he said, passing the phone to Kusano, who gave it to Ueda with a shrug.
"Yes?"
"Eh, no hello?" came the reply. "For shame, Ueda. I thought you tortured artist types were big on etiquette."
Ueda sighed. "Nishikido, I'm working."
"I got up at three this morning for CM filming before busting my ass in two concerts. Now I'm spending three hours on a train so the Osaka producers can film me losing at poker and eating boiled squid for the hell of it," Ryo said. "Don't talk to me about work."
"What do you want?"
"I want you to be a decent senpai for once in your life and make sure your little cohorts don't get themselves into trouble while you're over there."
Ueda bristled. "Shut up."
"You shut up. I know about the bootlegged absinthe they've got over there. Don't let Uchi near it."
"He's not a child," Ueda huffed. "He can take care of himself."
"Just because he's not a pussy like you doesn't mean he doesn't need people looking out for him."
"Hey!"
"Ueda."
"Nishikido."
"Ueda."
"Ryo-sama."
"I'm not fucking with you, Ueda. Just do me a favour." He paused. "And it's Nishikido to you."
A scuffle broke out as Kusano tried to steal Uchi's share of the saganaki. Uchi retaliated by swiping the last piece of lamb and covering Kusano's plate in tzatziki.
"Ne, Ryo-sama, I don't think you need to worry." Ueda was droll.
"Please, Ueda." Ryo's voice went quiet. "Just look out for him, all right?"
Unsettled, Ueda fumbled for a response. "Hai, I get it, Nero-sama. Now don't you have a city to burn?" The phone snapped shut on Ueda's fingers.
Uchi slipped the mobile into his shirt pocket. "That comeback was almost cool," he said.
Ueda preened.
"Totally wrong civilization though," Kusano said. "Pass the baklava."
: :
"Cars I not drive often," Stavros called over his shoulder as he weaved between two trucks. He had to shout to be heard over the noise. All the windows were down, as the Pinto had no fan and the temperature had risen almost before the Sun.
Ueda swallowed and hid his face between his knees. "You don't say."
"Most times I drive bus." He made a box-like shape, gesturing with both hands. "In Japan you have bus?"
"Erm, yeah," Uchi called back, half smiling. "Just the one, though."
The Pinto's engine burped and lurched between gears in retribution. Ueda turned to Uchi, eyes wide.
"Stop that. Please."
Uchi smiled and wrapped his arm around Ueda's shoulders. "Don't mind, senpai," he said, "Think of it as Disneyland. We're just along for the - oh god."
"We're going to die."
Stavros had pulled into the opposing lane to pass a battered pickup, and laughed aloud as they raced towards an oncoming trailer. Ueda hugged his knees. Uchi did the same, bracing for impact. Kusano had fallen asleep in the passenger seat the moment Stavros had started the car.
Stavros let out a whoop as the narrowly slid back into their own lane and made a move to pass again three seconds later. Uchi groaned.
"How much further until Delphi, again?" he asked.
: :
Kusano was at least slightly apologetic when brought out the camera to film Ueda's first steps in the Peloponnese - though he did laugh when Ueda managed to trip and hit his head while crawling out of the Pinto.
Uchi helped him dust off and eyed their surroundings. Delphi was a bustling metropolis, with two tiny one-way streets bisecting the town and a small square at the centre. The boys would be staying in a small inn, owned by Stavros' aunt.
Ueda jammed his fists into his pockets. "I want to stay in a decent hotel. Just once."
"Are you related to everyone here?" Uchi asked.
Stavros shrugged. "It's Greece."
The inn lay on the outskirts of town, bordering the suburbs - which were within sight of the town square. The boys dropped off their bags and fumbled their way through introductions with the family over a very large dinner before setting off on foot for the old temple grounds.
Half an hour later, the trio were well on their way to a collective coronary, swearing colourfully in several languages all the while. The temple grounds were but a few boulders and three-foot column sections in the middle of a field. There was no sign of the Pythia they'd been told to meet.
Uchi had fervently declared the situation a bust and suggested they make something up and skive off to Santorini for the rest of the weekend. Ueda, covered in grimy marble dust and knee deep in thistles, was about to agree to a few days on the beach when Kusano cried out.
"Look!"
There, in the middle of the ruins, was a very crude map - tied to the horn of a rather disgruntled goat.
Uchi raised a brow. "Guess they were out of doves."
As soon as Uchi had taken the map, the goat lumbered away from the column and went to stand by an opening in the side of the hill a few hundred yards away. Kusano pointed to the paper in Uchi's hands. A brownish blob sat atop a dark smudge, smiling out at them; the goat pawed at the ground.
"So apparently we're supposed to follow it," Kusano said, focusing his camera on Ueda once more. "Say cheese."
Ueda groaned.
: :
They followed the goat and the map through a maze of several torchlit tunnels until Uchi was dizzy from claustrophobia and, by Kusano's approximation, they were standing several metres under the temple ruins themselves. Ueda would have turned back much earlier, but the map was too smudged to be of much use, and the goat had already taken a chunk out of Ueda's shirt in a previous escape attempt.
Several hundred metres later the tunnel widened, revealing a small cave.
"Finally," Uchi sighed.
"Welcome, my friends!" a voice called out. The three of them jumped.
Ueda squinted through a haze of smoke. The light was bad, but he could just make out a woman sitting in the centre of the cave, at the edge of a cliff; four foot flames leapt up from a pit behind her. She was dressed in a loose white robe with that was covered enough not to impede Ueda's brain functions, but not enough to stop him from squeaking and blushing a deep red.
"Please," she called, "come, sit, stay a while. The air is wonderful down here."
They knelt side-by-side, as far from the flames as possible without seeming overly rude. Kusano and Uchi each took out a camcorder.
"My name is Philomena," she said. "You are Uchi, Kusano and Ueda-kun, of course."
Ueda cleared his throat and stared at the ground.
"I understand you have some advice for us," he said, wringing his hands.
"Indeed I do." Her voice was low and smooth. Her eyes shone red in the firelight; her gold bangles flickered with each movement.
Uchi elbowed Ueda when Philomena didn't elaborate. "Could you - tell us?" he asked.
She smiled. "Come closer, Ueda-kun," she said, patting the ground beside her.
Ueda tiptoed to where Philomena was kneeling, glancing over his shoulder at Uchi and Kusano. They grinned and made shooing motions while the goat stood behind them, munching on their map.
Bastards.
Philomena smiled wider. "Look into the flames, Ueda-kun. What do you see?"
Ueda dropped to a crouch and, at her urging, scooted closer to peer over the edge of the cavern. He thought he saw the outline of a man in the flames, but Philomena snapped her fingers just as the figure made to turn around and a wall of flame shot up, forcing Ueda to scramble backwards. He patted his hair nervously.
"Was that-"
"Yes."
"How-"
Philomena smiled again. Her teeth glowed in the firelight. "'Divine powers," she said. She breathed deeply. "Good stuff. Go ahead, have a sniff."
Ueda hesitated. "I'd really rather not."
"Have a sniff," she repeated, then placed her hand on the back of Ueda's neck and pushed him into a cloud of acrid smoke. The fumes were thick, cloying, made him choke on his tongue.
"What the hell are you burning?" he spluttered.
"Carmine enamel from the roof of an ancient church on the beaches of Mykonos and snatches of bracken from a long-forgotten copse deep in the heart of the Peloponnese."
Kusano coughed.
"Red paint chips and bits of thistle she found in a culvert," Uchi murmured to the camera.
One of the larger branches split with a deafening crack and another cloud wafted Ueda's way.
The smoke hit him like a bullet train, robbed his lungs of air. He gasped, spine locked, muscles taut; fingers clenched and toes curled. Ueda couldn't hear for the rush of blood and beat of his heart; the hairs on the back of his neck were on-end; his scalp was numb. He couldn't see.
"More," he whispered. He needed more. Uchi and Kusano were probably laughing in the background but they didn't understand - the smoke was ambrosia, bloody life itself. It was rushing wind and deep, salty seas; thunderstorms over Tokyo, running through the rain, hair plastered to slick skin; it was open kisses, nails and teeth, Hell, it was sex with a god on a bed of gold and that little bit wasn't enough because already the thrum in his veins was dimming; it wasn't nearly enough but it was so very, very -
"Good, right?" Philomena tapped her nose.
Ueda nodded and scooted closer to the edge, inhaling deeply. His ensuing sent the goat into a fit of frantic braying. Ueda turned to face the others; Uchi bit his lip and glanced at Kusano, face grave.
"This is not good," he said.
Ueda shrugged and leaned into the smoke again.
: :
"This is amazing," Kusano said. He took another drag before passing the cigarillo back to Uchi. "Where did you find these?"
"Cigar shop behind the hotel in Athens," Uchi said. "I think they put opium in the filter."
Kusano took the cigarillo again, kept it between his lips while he stretched idly and tried not to drop ash on his ankle.
Uchi was settled cross-legged against the cave wall, adjusting the aperture settings on the camera. "My brilliant tobacco sense aside," he said, "this is a total bust. They haven't done anything but singe their eyebrows."
Just then Ueda stripped off his shirt and began pacing in front of the fire, skin glistening in the firelight and chest heaving with laughter.
Kusano raised a brow. "Camera?"
"Rolling."
"So we were all backstage afterwards like this, right," Ueda was saying, slipping between languages every fourth word. "And we were all backstage screaming at each other and then Ka- Ka- Kamenashi comes back and it gets all quiet for a second, right, until he starts in and then - and then - " he broke off snickering and leaned down to whisper in the Philomena's ear.
"Tell us too," Uchi pouted, zooming in. "Once more for the kids at home?"
Ueda blinked. Twice. His pupils were so large his eyes appeared black; he showed no signs of recognizing Uchi or Kusano. Everything was eerily quite until -
"He punched the leader!" Philomena crowed.
The fire belched.
Ueda flashed Uchi's camera a sheepish 'V'.
: :
"This is so cool, he says," Uchi parroted a quarter of an hour later. "They're stoned. We'll never be able to show this to Johnny. The managers are going to make us be stage hands for life."
"Shut up, it's still better than back dancing on Shounen Club."
Uchi pursed his lips. "I dunno," he said. "Can't really remember."
Kusano sighed. "They haven't even done anything interesting."
"You aside from Ueda-kun recanting his life story while under the influence?"
"Yeah."
"I know."
"But this could be good." Uchi frantically shushed Kusano. Cameras in hand, they scrambled closer to the action.
Philomena had raised herself to stand, dragging Ueda by the hair until he was on his knees before her.
"You want to know?" she called out.
Philomena burst into motion at Ueda's hesitant nod. She lunged forward and tore the pendant from around his throat before placing her foot on his chest and sending him sprawling backwards. Ueda, it seemed, had either been knocked unconscious or fainted in terror, because he didn't move from where he'd fallen.
Pendant in hand, Philomena paced slowly towards the edge of the flame. She stood still for a moment then raised her arms and flicked the pendant into the fire. A fierce wind swept through the cavern as soon as the pendant fell from her fingertips, seeming to come from the fire itself. Flames leapt up to lick at the ceiling. Philomena stood before the flames, arms outstretched and head thrown back while Uchi and Kusano cowered behind her. The boys watched in horror as her eyes clouded over and she began to speak in a voice much deeper than her own.
"Red tape will forge two golden harmonies."
: :
"And?"
Ueda was battling either the worst hangover of his life or the combined fury of a thousand Akame fangirls, armed with voodoo. Adding to his miserable state was the fact that he was awake, in the sun, and fielding calls from a boisterous manager six hours earlier than he'd hoped to awake. He'd voiced his displeasure by showing up to breakfast decked out like a vampire in Siberia.
"You spoke to the Pythia?" Koda, Ueda mused, had obviously had a double shot of fangirl in his morning espresso. "What did she say?"
Ueda pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Something about covering your fields with the finest cloth and, uh- " he broke off, snapping his fingers at Uchi. Uchi shrugged.
"Keeping a dragon by the door," Kusano mumbled around his granola.
" - and keep a dragon by your door." Ueda said.
The line went dead.
Kusano peered at the blank screen over Ueda's shoulder. "He hung up."
"I am dead!" Ueda wailed.
"That's the hangover talking," Uchi murmured. "They'll call back."
The trio fell into relative silence, Uchi and Kusano languid in the heat, Ueda paralysed by fear.
"Shit, it's hot." Uchi was sprawled in his chair, shirtless, basking in the sun; lulled into a doze by the rhythm of Ueda's panicked wheezing.
Kusano plucked at his tank top. "Yeah, but it's a dry heat, you know?" he said. "Not humid like Tokyo; and you can pretty much chew on the air in Tokyo."
Ueda - clad only in a knit cap, aviators and a lumpy black sweater, three sizes too large - huddled closer around his Turkish coffee and said nothing.
A few moments later, the cell rang. All three men stared at it as though it might detonate. A dog barked in the distance on the fourth ring, breaking the tableau.
Uchi opened a bottle of nail polish. "Just play it cool, Ueda."
"Oh thank god-" Kusano punched Ueda in the shoulder. "I mean, hello?"
"Sorry about that, Ueda-kun, I dropped the phone. Now, are you absolutely sure that's what the Oracle said?"
"Yes."
There was an abrupt click and a tinny keyboard rendition of Oh! ENKA came over the line.
"You got put on hold?" Uchi asked.
Ueda sighed.
Kusano winced in sympathy. "Ouch."
Another click; the music was replaced by heavy breathing. Ueda grimaced and set the phone in the centre of the table, on speaker.
"Tatsu-chan?" a voice asked. "Johnny here. I'm with your manager and a couple of my associates - we've got you on speaker. Care to repeat what you told your manager a few minutes ago?"
Ueda relayed a brief, edited version of the night's events with a growing sense of dread. Kusano began filming Uchi's right ear from artistic angles while Uchi finished painting a second coat of apricot over Kusano's toenails.
"And then she said 'keep a dragon by your door' and passed out," Ueda finished.
There was a long pause.
When he did speak, Johnny's voice was very quiet, his syllables clipped. "Are you absolutely certain?"
"He's an idol," Kusano snickered, "not a goldfish."
"No offense," Uchi added.
Ueda opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by Johnny's chuckles. "It's all right, son," he said, louder now. "I get it. I was right. Damn it, I was right."
Enthusiastic clapping and several whoops exploded through the speaker. Ueda winced and cut the volume in half. "Right about what?" he called.
Johnny chuckled again. "The best path, of course. Now pack your bags; I expect to see you in Osaka tomorrow morning - nine, sharp."
"I. What. Osaka? But - I. Why Osaka?"
Kusano glanced at Uchi, who merely shrugged.
"You'll be forming a new unit with Nishikido Ryo."
Ueda toppled off his chair.
"What."
Koda spoke up again. "We're thinking of calling it 'Tension'. You'll be doing a single for Attention Please 2 but you may work together for much longer."
"No."
"Incredible, isn't it?"
"Please, no." Ueda clutched at his chest.
"You'll be debuting on Shounen Club in two weeks."
"But I went to Greece for you," Ueda wailed. "I consulted an Oracle!"
"And," Koda interrupted, "and the Oracle confirmed Johnny's plan to put you in a unit with Nishikido-kun."
"Whoa," Uchi whispered. "Did she really say that?" Kusano shrugged.
"We think you'll do very well. Our focus group predicts you'll be in Oricon's top three at the end of the year."
"Shit, he's turning purple." Kusano looked stricken. "Ueda? Ueda, breathe with me."
"Ueda-kun?"
Ueda threw the phone on the ground and jumped on it twice before storming inside - blindly, with tears bleeding hot trails down his cheeks - with every intention of hiding under his covers and pretending the last half hour had never happened.
: :
Three