Love Him or Leave Me

[odd_on_purpose]

This entry feels weird to write, because I know it will make me sound like an asshole. But it's how I feel, so I don't know. Just another of many moments where my identity as a mother turns out to be much more conventional than I had theoretically planned it out to be in my head

Comments

[ghettopeach]

Well, I can't answer your last questions, since I don't have children myself

[odd_on_purpose]

I think you make a good point. Me being a mom isn't all the different, in terms of how it affects my childless friends, than my developing a keen interest in rock climbing, or the stock exchange, or something else that my friend may have no interest in but pretends to in order to maintain the friendship. If I'm willing to feign interest in the mind-numbing (to me) intricacies of your workplace, then you can do the same for my prattling on about bedtime routines

[ghettopeach]

I think you're right that the main issue is that people want to continue to have things in common with their friends rather than acknowledging that their lives are now different and the friendship will need to change. That's probably why new parents want to get their friends on board with having babies--because if the friends have babies, we'll all have things in common again, and nothing will be awkward! And by the same token, the friends don't really know what to say to the new parents, because having children is like nothing in their experience (in most cases).

[odd_on_purpose]

Yes, I agree. Although with the parents, I think part of stems from a place of "This baby makes me soooo happy! You are my friend and I want you to be happy so you should have a baby too! Babies are the only path to happiness!!" Probably similar to what obnoxious coupled-up people do to their single friends.

[pinktutu911]

I find this really odd actually. I mean, I'm not a huge kid person either, and I'm not sure it's something that will ever happen for us--although, who knows, there's still plenty of time...But that's precisely why I enjoy hearing about parenting from friends of mine who have kids. It must be such an amazing experience and it's a little sad in a way that I might never have that experience, so the closest I can really come to knowing what being a parent feels like is hearing about it from people I know. Anyway, I only log in to lj anymore to see if you've blogged about Lucas, since you're the only person in my feed who posts anymore, so keep them coming!

[odd_on_purpose]

The same way I love keeping up with your (to me) glamorous PhD and dancing goings-on. It's nothing like my life will ever be (and, like you with having kids, not even necessarily how I would want it to be) but I still very much enjoy hearing your experiences and perspectives, precisely because they are so different from my own.

[anonymous]

I actually have lost a few friends who simply did not care about (or actively disdained) my new life as a mom - our friendships just didn't really "work" anymore. We didn't have a good time with each other, we were walking on eggshells, and it was time to move on. But then, as was said above, they weren't really my friends in the first place. I still have a couple of childless friends (though most of my friends are moms) who are amazing and enjoy listening to me talk (not exhaustively) about Stewart and ask avidly about his life. Those are the friends who've moved WITH me, not away from me. Relationships are born, grow, change and die, and life-changing events like having a child can really clarify friendships. I think you're exactly right in following your instincts. If people want to be friends with you, they've got to be friends with Lucas - you two are a package deal now! :) -EA

[odd_on_purpose]

"Exhaustively" is a good word - no one enjoys their friend talking about the same subject *all* the time, even the most adorable of children. That's why I try to mix it up by also talking about YA dystopian fiction and Doctor Who.

[ext_821696]

You're not wrong. The last time I saw a one-time friend of mine, some ~6 months ago, she told me that she thought having children was selfish. It was have even been phrased as "one of the most selfish things you can do". ("You" = "anyone" in this case, not me specifically.) Now, I believe this friend may have had difficulty childbearing herself and was therefore rationalizing. Regardless, I have chosen to no longer actively seek out her or her friendship. She responded to my Facebook baby-on-the-way announcement with congratulations, and I thanked her. But I have no desire to have her in my life any longer. She will not be invited to my baby shower, and she will not be invited to meet the little teeny tiny amazing person whom Justin and I so "selfishly" created. Anyone who is not interested in one of the most important things in your life, regardless of what that thing is and particularly if that thing is in fact another human being, no longer a friend does make.

[Side note - this friendship's end may have been a long time coming,

[odd_on_purpose]

I can certainly see your reasoning on that. It would be hard to overcome such an extreme difference in opinion.

Parenting a child seems to require a huge amount of sacrifice and selflessness. If having babies is so selfish, seems like they should provide a little more "give" and a little less "take." Haha, mostly kidding. I was just thinking of how this past weekend, we had to leave so early from a goodbye party for close friends that are moving away to England because it was better for Lucas. Selfishly, I would have really liked to stay longer!

But if someone like your (former) friend sees babies as selfish on the part of the parent, I wouldn't think she'd consider "smiles and giggles" as adequate payment for the amount of work they require on a daily basis.

[ext_821696]

Precisely. There were other complicating factors in this relationship anyhow, but I have no desire to make her force pretend to like my child or my life as a parent. Should she reach out in an active way herself in the near future, that may be reconsidered... but I highly doubt it. I'm having a baby to help the world be a better place and get lots of hugs and giggles and bodily fluids all over myself in the process. How selfish of me. ;)