(no subject)
I'm having trouble writing just how miserable I am here. Not because I don't have the words - I have all kinds of words. I know plenty of ways to talk about horrible things. This time, though, I am doing my best not too. Normally when things get dark I look at it as directly and honestly with myself as I can and try and share that. Now, I dont even want to look at it. There's too much. Too much anger, too much sorrow, too much despair. I allow myself to feels drips of it through the day, like I'm hooked up to an iv bag of loss. I know, eventually it has to end, right? The dark times always do, don't they? But this time I don't know it. Not really.I hope it will. I tell myself it will, but I lack conviction.The abyss swallowed me while I was driving and now feels like slow dissolution.
Since driving into town it has been a steady series of disappointments, coupled with the culture shock. I lived here once. I should know how to be here. I can't find the rhythm anymore, though. Everything feels out of step; wrong. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'll adjust. For now, though, it's a nightmare at 80 miles on hour filled with people who will risk your life for a 10 foot length of space on the road. There's so many places filled with things I don't want, or can't afford, or shouldn't have. I'm in an apartment smaller than the one I left, and shared with a kid who just doesn't know yet how ridiculous he sounds.
And of course I'm disappointing him too. I'm not what he wanted in a roommate, but this is what we've got. We both feel a little cheated, Thankfully he went home for the holidays and I've had the place to myself for the last 10 days or so. He comes back Wednesday. I will have to adjust to my closet of a room, and that's another thing I've been avoiding.
Since I've been here I've had 3 people I know call me. Darren, Cira, and Cody.To say I'm disappointed in my friends is yet another understatement. To be fair, it's the holidays. People got shit to do, and I have not gone out of my way to see many people either. I expected a little more, though. There were people I hoped I would be spending time with who seem to have little or no interest in spending time with me.I'm used to being alone; I'm not used to being alone with so many friends nearby.
Although that is one bright spot - Darren and I have been hanging out. We've met up for meals a few times, and we've talked about having a weekly dinner. It's nice to have something solid like that to look forward to. I need more things other than dialysis to plan my life around.
ugh, I'm going to end this here whle it's on a slightly higher note. There's more. There is so much more, but I just can't stomach thinking about any more than this right now.