two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, chapter 6
Glee. 2,606 words. You guys you guys you guys new Glee tonightttttttttttttt. I am so excited, CAN YOU GUYS TELL I'M SO EXCITED? Anyway, in honor, I bring you...More angst? Forgive me!
Oh and when I get some time I might have to venture out and find some fellow Gleeks to friend on here because HI, MY BRAIN DEVOTES TOO MUCH ENERGY TO THEM AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO SHARE IT. But alas! That will have to be later. Until then, I do have a question: what grades are Puck and Rachel supposed to be in? In my brain they're both juniors but I have absolutely no reason to trust that because I definitely made it up.
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6. when the levee breaks
-led zeppelin
Puck was really out of it. And it wasn’t one of those “dude’s not partying, shit must’ve gone down” situations; it was more serious than that. It was like he wasn’t even Puck anymore. He stopped beating up freshmen and stuffing them into trashcans, he stopped sitting at the popular table at lunch...Hell, he stopped going to lunch altogether. He even stopped having sex with random chicks, so you know things were fucking serious. Instead, he traded all that in for going to class and actually doing his homework. Yes, Noah Puckerman: going to class. The homework bit was slightly less shocking, since his definition of “doing homework” was having his books by him as he watched SportsCenter, but still.
He didn’t have much of a choice though; it wasn’t like he could go from not caring about school to…Caring even less. So in its own twisted way, this kind of made sense. Plus, without Berry around to take his mind off his own shit, he needed some sort of distraction. Preferably one that didn’t involve his friends (who reminded him too much of Quinn) or sex (which reminded him too much of Rachel).
Don’t get the wrong idea; this wasn’t some fruity lovesick puppy thing, Puck was still a badass. Sure he was bummed out, but it was less about not having Rachel around (or so he told himself) and more the fact that he let things go that far at all. Once she found out about his baby daddy drama, he was pretty sure their whole fucked up “friendship” would be over for good. It was stupid to have led himself on for so long when he knew it would inevitably end, and end badly at that.
In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he realized there was a serious chance Rachel wouldn’t actually forgive him for this. He’d never pretend to understand how girls’ brains worked, but he hung out with Rachel long enough to know what she saw as betrayal…And it was basically anything that had to do with Quinn Fabray. Rachel wasn’t particularly catty, she just didn’t understand what that girl had that she didn’t and the fact that Finn chose Quinn over her - baby or no baby - was a pretty tough pill to swallow. So he was sure: if finding out that Quinn was having Finn’s kid broke her, finding out that baby was actually his would fucking destroy her. She may not have admitted it to herself yet, but a tiny part of her was totally starting to dig Puck. Hell, he was the only guy who knew who she was, inside and out; the only guy who mocked her mercilessly about everything and yet still liked her. To find out that she was second string to Quinn yet again, but this time with something so fucking close to being real...?
See, this is why he needed a distraction. Thinking about all this shit just gave him a headache.
Rachel, on the other hand, was handling their situation quite differently. Namely, by starting each morning telling herself that it totally wasn’t Noah doing dirty things to her in her dreams, it was definitely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, Finn. No, no, that wasn’t a mohawk/fauxhawk she saw or Puck’s slightly beefy neck, it was most certainly a full head of hair and a freakishly tall build. There was no way Noah liked her like that anyway. He just agreed to go along with her stupid plan because, well, he’s Noah. And even if, by some freak chance, he actually did feel that way? It was his problem, not hers. Finn was the one she yearned for, and she made that clear from the start. Yes, Finn: the nice guy. The guy who held doors open for old ladies and actually cared about people’s feelings. Finn, whose soaring vocals gave her butterflies; the Ross to her Rachel…The one who she knew, deep down inside, loved her as much as she loved him.
…Yes, the same Finn who totally took advantage of her feelings to get her back on Glee for his own selfish reasons.
Okay, so maybe she didn’t really love Finn - at least, not as much as she loved the idea of him - but when you tell yourself something enough, you actually start believing it. So…She loved Finn. She loved Finn. She loved Finn.
---
There were a couple of minutes before class would start and Rachel was sitting at her desk staring off into space when Puck walked in. It had been a little over a week since she had seen him last (outside of Glee, of course, but that didn't count because she was always in her Glee Zone) so running into him was surprising in and of itself. The fact that it happened during English class? Downright shocking.
“Yo Rach, what’s up?” He took a seat next to her and she gaped.
“Noah…Are you feeling alright?” She leaned over her desk and whispered to him, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention. They weren’t.
“I'm fine, why?”
“Well, for starters, you’re talking to me in public, you’re not wearing your letter jacket and, oh yeah, you just stepped into an English class-” When he reached into his backpack, she gasped. “-and you brought a book.”
“Yeah, I don’t get why this Shakespeare dude can’t just talk like a normal person, but shit’s pretty deep.”
“No, wait, you read too?”
“Yeah, I decided to mix things up a little.” The look on her face was classic. “Rachel, chill out. You look constipated.”
“Noah, I don’t know what is going on with you but there is obviously something seriously wrong and you are going to tell me what it is because last I checked, you haven’t attended an English class...well, ever, and I’m pretty sure you still read at a fifth grade level.”
“Dude, that’s just cold.”
Her jaw dropped as the bell rang and class started.
---
It wasn't that they weren’t on speaking terms, because they were. She just needed to keep her physical distance because unless he gained thirty pounds and grew a few unsightly hairy facial moles, she was pretty sure her plus him plus either of their houses/bedrooms/private areas of any sort would result in unwise decisions. Unwise decisions that would certainly complicate her already tenuous relationships. But yes, Rachel was definitely still talking to him, but only through text really (which counted because her texts were longer than most of his actual conversations) and that made him feel simultaneously less pathetic and infinitely more.
Even if it was mostly through text, it didn’t take long for her to realize that whatever he was going through had shook him up real bad. This whole him being out of touch with everything and going to class and reading books and coming to Glee on time and talking to Rachel in the hall…It was all just very unsettling. (Interestingly, though, the thought never once crossed her mind that maybe she was the one who fucked him up. She didn't let it.)
Determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on, she went to his basketball game that afternoon. She sat in the middle of the bleachers, training her eyes on Finn (she loved Finn, she loved Finn) but somehow they always ended up in the corner of the court where Puck was. He knew she was there, sitting in the crowd with her brown cardigan sweater with those little pearl buttons and a skirt that was literally the size of his thumb, but every time he let his guard down and looked for her, he caught her staring longingly at Finn, who had his eyes glued to Quinn, who had her hand on her growing belly…
Fuck, his life.
---
They lost the game so people cleared out pretty quick. He took an extra long shower in the empty locker room, hoping that the steaming water would somehow help him come up with a way to make things right. He knew he had to tell Finn. He knew a long time ago he had to tell Finn, but now he was certain. He just didn’t know how or when, or what Quinn would do, or worst of all, how Rachel would react. He wanted to believe that she’d be there for him despite everything, but he knew that when given a choice, girls generally chose Finn over him. Finn was the nice guy. He held doors open for old ladies and actually gave a crap about people’s feelings. Puck shat on people’s feelings and fucked old ladies. Not exactly boyfriend material. Chalk knocking up his best friend's girl to the list, and he was basically destined to live out the repercussions of his douchiness sad and alone.
If this were any other situation, he probably would have sucked it up and moved on, but the fact that there was a kid - his kid - in the mix…It made things more complicated. He didn’t love Quinn or actually want to be with her (if he realized anything the past few months, it was that Quinn was basically a giant bitch) but that kid…Puck was determined to not abandon him like his dad did. He’d give up his friendship with Finn and whatever future he may or may not have with Rachel just to be there for that kid. And if Quinn was doing this because she thought he’d make a shitty father then that just wasn’t fucking fair. If he was just given one chance to prove himself, he could. He knew he could.
When he finally got dressed and left, the parking lot was empty, except for Rachel who was standing by his truck in her puffy winter coat, her hat pulled low and gloved hands covering her face.
“Jesus, how long have you been waiting out here, Rach? It’s like twenty degrees out!” He jogged to the car and let her in before clamoring into the front and turning the heat on.
“Oh, n-n-not t-t-too l-long…” her teeth were chattering so he pulled his jacket off and threw it over her like a blanket.
“I knew you were crazy, Berry, but this is just ridiculous.”
After a few moments, she was still shivering, but warming up quickly. “I didn't know if anyone was still around and going into the gym would send all kinds of warning bells to people, and..." She took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders, her voice going soft, "I just wanted to talk to you.”
Seriously, that voice would be the death of him. It was so much easier to not give two shits about the girl when she was being loud and bossy, but this? This was the whole reason he got mixed up in this shit to begin with.
“I know things have been a little weird since we-”
“What? Weird? No, we’re cool,” he purposefully avoided her eyes because he knew they weren’t cool but his uncanny gift for lying had been failing him lately when it came to her.
“No, yeah, I know-” She looked down at her hands and shook her head. “It’s just you’ve been so...not you lately. And at Glee yesterday I saw you during Quinn’s solo and you looked...I don’t know, we just haven't seen each other in a while and I thought you could use a friend.”
It took a second for her words to actually sink in; he wasn't used to girls like Rachel, wanting to be there for him and shit. Or really anyone other than his mom wanting to be there for him. This was uncharted territory. (Oh my god, when did he become such a woman?)
He rested his head on the steering wheel, the air from the vents quickly warming his face. When he peered over at her, she tilted her head and smiled sadly.
“I know, Noah,” she placed a hand on his cheek and the strongest feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed him. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “I know.”
She didn’t - not at all - but she was there and she was Rachel fucking Berry. So when she offered to treat him to a hot chocolate, he didn’t say no.
---
That night, they drove to the park and drank their steaming cups quietly in his car before he finally got the balls to start talking. He told her about the first time he met Finn; the prank they pulled on the Rabbi’s daughter at Puck’s Bar Mitzvah in middle school; the summer before high school they spent washing cars and playing PS2; how they both made the varsity football team freshman year. She listened, and immediately felt awful for babbling on and on to him about a boy that she now realized, she didn’t really know that well at all; the same boy who had been Noah's best friend for years, whose feelings he genuinely didn’t want to hurt and whose friendship he genuinely cared about. She had to admit, a part of her reveled in it: always having this cute boy be audience to the show that was her life, but now she realized how selfish that was.
“I get that this is the kinda shit dudes don’t get over,” she didn’t know what exactly the shit he spoke of was, but she assumed it was falling in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. She assumed but she didn’t ask, and though she felt that sharp pang in her chest (disappointment? Jealousy? Heartbreak?) she chose to ignore it. “But it would just suck if this is how it ends, you know? I always thought it would be because he’d go to college and I’d go to New York and start a band or some shit, but having it all end over a girl? That’s so lame.”
She thought for a second before finally speaking up. “Well, Noah, you know what I think?”
“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” She rolled her eyes and placed her hot chocolate in the cup holder between them.
“I think maybe this is a blessing in disguise.”
“Huh?”
“Clearly, having Finn as a friend is something that’s important to you,” she chose her words wisely; anything involving valuing friendships or being there for each other would surely be deemed "gay" by him and thus disregarded immediately. “So here’s your chance to find out if he’s really the friend you think he is. If he takes it well, then you know your whole ‘bros before hoes’ theory stands, but if not…Maybe he’s not even worth it.”
She couldn’t believe she was saying this about Finn Hudson, of all people. But then again, if you told her four months ago that she’d be sitting in Noah Puckerman’s truck talking about friendship and love and desperately not letting herself admit that she actually had feelings for him she would have laughed in your face and called you crazy.
“I really think you should talk to him, Noah. I have a good feeling about this.”
---
The next day, he told Finn to wait up after practice; that he needed to tell him something. He met him at his car and the student lot was still pretty full for so late in the evening. He told him everything: not just about that night and that Quinn's baby was actually his, but even all that crap about their friendship.
And the last thing Puck thought before Finn’s fist connected with his face was that he would never take advice from Rachel again.
TBC
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Oh and when I get some time I might have to venture out and find some fellow Gleeks to friend on here because HI, MY BRAIN DEVOTES TOO MUCH ENERGY TO THEM AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO SHARE IT. But alas! That will have to be later. Until then, I do have a question: what grades are Puck and Rachel supposed to be in? In my brain they're both juniors but I have absolutely no reason to trust that because I definitely made it up.
---
6. when the levee breaks
-led zeppelin
Puck was really out of it. And it wasn’t one of those “dude’s not partying, shit must’ve gone down” situations; it was more serious than that. It was like he wasn’t even Puck anymore. He stopped beating up freshmen and stuffing them into trashcans, he stopped sitting at the popular table at lunch...Hell, he stopped going to lunch altogether. He even stopped having sex with random chicks, so you know things were fucking serious. Instead, he traded all that in for going to class and actually doing his homework. Yes, Noah Puckerman: going to class. The homework bit was slightly less shocking, since his definition of “doing homework” was having his books by him as he watched SportsCenter, but still.
He didn’t have much of a choice though; it wasn’t like he could go from not caring about school to…Caring even less. So in its own twisted way, this kind of made sense. Plus, without Berry around to take his mind off his own shit, he needed some sort of distraction. Preferably one that didn’t involve his friends (who reminded him too much of Quinn) or sex (which reminded him too much of Rachel).
Don’t get the wrong idea; this wasn’t some fruity lovesick puppy thing, Puck was still a badass. Sure he was bummed out, but it was less about not having Rachel around (or so he told himself) and more the fact that he let things go that far at all. Once she found out about his baby daddy drama, he was pretty sure their whole fucked up “friendship” would be over for good. It was stupid to have led himself on for so long when he knew it would inevitably end, and end badly at that.
In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he realized there was a serious chance Rachel wouldn’t actually forgive him for this. He’d never pretend to understand how girls’ brains worked, but he hung out with Rachel long enough to know what she saw as betrayal…And it was basically anything that had to do with Quinn Fabray. Rachel wasn’t particularly catty, she just didn’t understand what that girl had that she didn’t and the fact that Finn chose Quinn over her - baby or no baby - was a pretty tough pill to swallow. So he was sure: if finding out that Quinn was having Finn’s kid broke her, finding out that baby was actually his would fucking destroy her. She may not have admitted it to herself yet, but a tiny part of her was totally starting to dig Puck. Hell, he was the only guy who knew who she was, inside and out; the only guy who mocked her mercilessly about everything and yet still liked her. To find out that she was second string to Quinn yet again, but this time with something so fucking close to being real...?
See, this is why he needed a distraction. Thinking about all this shit just gave him a headache.
Rachel, on the other hand, was handling their situation quite differently. Namely, by starting each morning telling herself that it totally wasn’t Noah doing dirty things to her in her dreams, it was definitely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, Finn. No, no, that wasn’t a mohawk/fauxhawk she saw or Puck’s slightly beefy neck, it was most certainly a full head of hair and a freakishly tall build. There was no way Noah liked her like that anyway. He just agreed to go along with her stupid plan because, well, he’s Noah. And even if, by some freak chance, he actually did feel that way? It was his problem, not hers. Finn was the one she yearned for, and she made that clear from the start. Yes, Finn: the nice guy. The guy who held doors open for old ladies and actually cared about people’s feelings. Finn, whose soaring vocals gave her butterflies; the Ross to her Rachel…The one who she knew, deep down inside, loved her as much as she loved him.
…Yes, the same Finn who totally took advantage of her feelings to get her back on Glee for his own selfish reasons.
Okay, so maybe she didn’t really love Finn - at least, not as much as she loved the idea of him - but when you tell yourself something enough, you actually start believing it. So…She loved Finn. She loved Finn. She loved Finn.
---
There were a couple of minutes before class would start and Rachel was sitting at her desk staring off into space when Puck walked in. It had been a little over a week since she had seen him last (outside of Glee, of course, but that didn't count because she was always in her Glee Zone) so running into him was surprising in and of itself. The fact that it happened during English class? Downright shocking.
“Yo Rach, what’s up?” He took a seat next to her and she gaped.
“Noah…Are you feeling alright?” She leaned over her desk and whispered to him, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention. They weren’t.
“I'm fine, why?”
“Well, for starters, you’re talking to me in public, you’re not wearing your letter jacket and, oh yeah, you just stepped into an English class-” When he reached into his backpack, she gasped. “-and you brought a book.”
“Yeah, I don’t get why this Shakespeare dude can’t just talk like a normal person, but shit’s pretty deep.”
“No, wait, you read too?”
“Yeah, I decided to mix things up a little.” The look on her face was classic. “Rachel, chill out. You look constipated.”
“Noah, I don’t know what is going on with you but there is obviously something seriously wrong and you are going to tell me what it is because last I checked, you haven’t attended an English class...well, ever, and I’m pretty sure you still read at a fifth grade level.”
“Dude, that’s just cold.”
Her jaw dropped as the bell rang and class started.
---
It wasn't that they weren’t on speaking terms, because they were. She just needed to keep her physical distance because unless he gained thirty pounds and grew a few unsightly hairy facial moles, she was pretty sure her plus him plus either of their houses/bedrooms/private areas of any sort would result in unwise decisions. Unwise decisions that would certainly complicate her already tenuous relationships. But yes, Rachel was definitely still talking to him, but only through text really (which counted because her texts were longer than most of his actual conversations) and that made him feel simultaneously less pathetic and infinitely more.
Even if it was mostly through text, it didn’t take long for her to realize that whatever he was going through had shook him up real bad. This whole him being out of touch with everything and going to class and reading books and coming to Glee on time and talking to Rachel in the hall…It was all just very unsettling. (Interestingly, though, the thought never once crossed her mind that maybe she was the one who fucked him up. She didn't let it.)
Determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on, she went to his basketball game that afternoon. She sat in the middle of the bleachers, training her eyes on Finn (she loved Finn, she loved Finn) but somehow they always ended up in the corner of the court where Puck was. He knew she was there, sitting in the crowd with her brown cardigan sweater with those little pearl buttons and a skirt that was literally the size of his thumb, but every time he let his guard down and looked for her, he caught her staring longingly at Finn, who had his eyes glued to Quinn, who had her hand on her growing belly…
Fuck, his life.
---
They lost the game so people cleared out pretty quick. He took an extra long shower in the empty locker room, hoping that the steaming water would somehow help him come up with a way to make things right. He knew he had to tell Finn. He knew a long time ago he had to tell Finn, but now he was certain. He just didn’t know how or when, or what Quinn would do, or worst of all, how Rachel would react. He wanted to believe that she’d be there for him despite everything, but he knew that when given a choice, girls generally chose Finn over him. Finn was the nice guy. He held doors open for old ladies and actually gave a crap about people’s feelings. Puck shat on people’s feelings and fucked old ladies. Not exactly boyfriend material. Chalk knocking up his best friend's girl to the list, and he was basically destined to live out the repercussions of his douchiness sad and alone.
If this were any other situation, he probably would have sucked it up and moved on, but the fact that there was a kid - his kid - in the mix…It made things more complicated. He didn’t love Quinn or actually want to be with her (if he realized anything the past few months, it was that Quinn was basically a giant bitch) but that kid…Puck was determined to not abandon him like his dad did. He’d give up his friendship with Finn and whatever future he may or may not have with Rachel just to be there for that kid. And if Quinn was doing this because she thought he’d make a shitty father then that just wasn’t fucking fair. If he was just given one chance to prove himself, he could. He knew he could.
When he finally got dressed and left, the parking lot was empty, except for Rachel who was standing by his truck in her puffy winter coat, her hat pulled low and gloved hands covering her face.
“Jesus, how long have you been waiting out here, Rach? It’s like twenty degrees out!” He jogged to the car and let her in before clamoring into the front and turning the heat on.
“Oh, n-n-not t-t-too l-long…” her teeth were chattering so he pulled his jacket off and threw it over her like a blanket.
“I knew you were crazy, Berry, but this is just ridiculous.”
After a few moments, she was still shivering, but warming up quickly. “I didn't know if anyone was still around and going into the gym would send all kinds of warning bells to people, and..." She took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders, her voice going soft, "I just wanted to talk to you.”
Seriously, that voice would be the death of him. It was so much easier to not give two shits about the girl when she was being loud and bossy, but this? This was the whole reason he got mixed up in this shit to begin with.
“I know things have been a little weird since we-”
“What? Weird? No, we’re cool,” he purposefully avoided her eyes because he knew they weren’t cool but his uncanny gift for lying had been failing him lately when it came to her.
“No, yeah, I know-” She looked down at her hands and shook her head. “It’s just you’ve been so...not you lately. And at Glee yesterday I saw you during Quinn’s solo and you looked...I don’t know, we just haven't seen each other in a while and I thought you could use a friend.”
It took a second for her words to actually sink in; he wasn't used to girls like Rachel, wanting to be there for him and shit. Or really anyone other than his mom wanting to be there for him. This was uncharted territory. (Oh my god, when did he become such a woman?)
He rested his head on the steering wheel, the air from the vents quickly warming his face. When he peered over at her, she tilted her head and smiled sadly.
“I know, Noah,” she placed a hand on his cheek and the strongest feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed him. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “I know.”
She didn’t - not at all - but she was there and she was Rachel fucking Berry. So when she offered to treat him to a hot chocolate, he didn’t say no.
---
That night, they drove to the park and drank their steaming cups quietly in his car before he finally got the balls to start talking. He told her about the first time he met Finn; the prank they pulled on the Rabbi’s daughter at Puck’s Bar Mitzvah in middle school; the summer before high school they spent washing cars and playing PS2; how they both made the varsity football team freshman year. She listened, and immediately felt awful for babbling on and on to him about a boy that she now realized, she didn’t really know that well at all; the same boy who had been Noah's best friend for years, whose feelings he genuinely didn’t want to hurt and whose friendship he genuinely cared about. She had to admit, a part of her reveled in it: always having this cute boy be audience to the show that was her life, but now she realized how selfish that was.
“I get that this is the kinda shit dudes don’t get over,” she didn’t know what exactly the shit he spoke of was, but she assumed it was falling in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. She assumed but she didn’t ask, and though she felt that sharp pang in her chest (disappointment? Jealousy? Heartbreak?) she chose to ignore it. “But it would just suck if this is how it ends, you know? I always thought it would be because he’d go to college and I’d go to New York and start a band or some shit, but having it all end over a girl? That’s so lame.”
She thought for a second before finally speaking up. “Well, Noah, you know what I think?”
“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” She rolled her eyes and placed her hot chocolate in the cup holder between them.
“I think maybe this is a blessing in disguise.”
“Huh?”
“Clearly, having Finn as a friend is something that’s important to you,” she chose her words wisely; anything involving valuing friendships or being there for each other would surely be deemed "gay" by him and thus disregarded immediately. “So here’s your chance to find out if he’s really the friend you think he is. If he takes it well, then you know your whole ‘bros before hoes’ theory stands, but if not…Maybe he’s not even worth it.”
She couldn’t believe she was saying this about Finn Hudson, of all people. But then again, if you told her four months ago that she’d be sitting in Noah Puckerman’s truck talking about friendship and love and desperately not letting herself admit that she actually had feelings for him she would have laughed in your face and called you crazy.
“I really think you should talk to him, Noah. I have a good feeling about this.”
---
The next day, he told Finn to wait up after practice; that he needed to tell him something. He met him at his car and the student lot was still pretty full for so late in the evening. He told him everything: not just about that night and that Quinn's baby was actually his, but even all that crap about their friendship.
And the last thing Puck thought before Finn’s fist connected with his face was that he would never take advice from Rachel again.
TBC
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