in the janitor's closet - drabble
Glee. 2,320 Words. Puck/Rachel, Puck and Finn being BFFL. Another installation in my series of drabbles/ficlets (that are really just fic in and of themselves) wherein I turn Puck and Rachel's non-existent relationship into a long-running romantic comedy sitcom. Needless to say, this is totally AU. And as usual, R because someone needs to wash Noah Puckerman's mouth out with soap. I keep going back and forth as to whether this is crackfic or if it's straight up def comedy jamz hilarity. YOU BE THE JUDGE.
Gotta give props were props are due, so WHATUP une_fille: you were totes the Finn to my Puck on this one (or vice versa?). IDEK DUDE ALL I KNOW IS I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU.
ETA: UNEQUIVOCALLY, HERE'S YOUR MF'IN SHOUT OUT FOR BASICALLY BEING MY SOULMATE. GOD WHY ARE YOU SO HIGH MAINTENANCE.
In the Janitor's Closet
---
“I don’t get why you’re so upset over this. She seems really happy.”
“The soccer team is just a bunch of pretentious pricks who pretend that people actually care about their stupid-ass sport.” Puck rolls his eyes and Finn just sighs. “I swear, dude, if it were anyone else, I wouldn’t give a shit. But a fucking soccer player? Come on."
“So you’re telling me that if Rachel were dating, like, I don’t know, Joey Henderson or something, you really wouldn’t care?”
“Okay, Joey Henderson wears velcro shoes. Bro, you’re not getting my point,” Puck leans forward intently, resting his elbows on his knees, “all I’m saying is the girl doesn’t know shit about dudes. I could care less who she gets her mack on with, she just needs to know what she’s getting herself into.”
Finn stares at him for a long second, his eyes narrow. “You do realize that you guys broke up, right? As in, are no longer together?”
“Yeah, and?”
“And this,” Finn motions animatedly to the space between the two of them, “is fucking weird, okay! It’s like you’re from the Twilight Zone or something.”
“What the hell are you trying to say, Hudson?”
“I’m saying maybe you should just apologize to her and get back together.”
“What? Fuck no.”
“You’re clearly-”
“I’m clearly what? And you better choose your words carefully, Big Boy.” Puck shoots him the most menacing glare he can muster and Finn just rolls his eyes.
“You’re clearly crazy about her okay? Sure, you and Rach came out of left field, but it worked, in a weird opposites-attract, salty-and-sweet kinda way.”
Puck stares at Finn for a long beat, his mouth hanging open until he stands abruptly and stalks away.
“Dude, I gotta go call Hummel ‘cause that was the legit gayest thing you have ever said to me.”
-
When Puck comes into Glee next day, Rachel ignores him altogether and keeps eagerly telling Tina and Kurt all about her first date with McKinley’s most-recent transfer student (and douchebag extraordinaire, Puck’s sure) Blake Bloomberg. He takes a seat as far away from her as he can but she’s projecting (on purpose) and he can hear every detail with perfect clarity. He tells himself he doesn’t care as he hears all about how Blake picked her up in his Audi (“Yes, his family is extremely well-off, as I’m sure you’ve noticed from his impeccable taste in Burberry.”) and how her dads adore him; how they shared a tiramisu for dessert at the best Italian restaurant in town and he told her all about his dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon and finding a beautiful, down-to-Earth (“Wait, you? Down-to-Earth?” “Just because I’m driven doesn’t make me unapproachable.”) Jewish girl to discover the true meaning of happiness. When she finishes, Puck snorts and leans back in his chair smugly.
“Did he tell you he loves Dolphins, too? And that shh, don’t tell anyone but he secretly loves The Notebook?” Rachel shoots him a death glare, her jaw clenched and her eyes seething. “Jesus, Berry, just fall for every trick in the book, why don't you?”
“I’ll have you know, Puck, that Ryan Gosling is actually Blake’s favorite actor.”
At that, Puck bursts out laughing, and Kurt’s eyes brighten.
“Shit, I was gonna say that he was lying to get into your pants, but you are totally this dude’s beard.”
Rachel frowns and turns to Kurt, who gives her an unsympathetic smile, “all signs point to yes.”
-
Turns out Blake Bloomberg isn’t gay. In fact, he’s far from it. It takes Puck exactly five minutes with Santana to find out how far from gay the dude actually is before he loses it, and charges into the cafeteria, cornering Finn at his lunch table.
“All I need you to do is run some recon for me, okay?”
“Seriously, man, why do you have to drag me into this shit? I’m just trying to eat my Sloppy Joe in peace, not got tangled up in some ridiculous Rachel-related drama.”
“Dude, who was the one who found you and took you home that time you got lost in the woods looking for a Port-a-Potty?”
“I know, and that was really awesome of you, but-”
“And who made out with Shirley Parker's tubby best friend so you could finally make a move?”
“Yeah, I know, but-”
“You owe me, bro, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Why can’t you just do it yourself?”
“Listen, Berry told me she’d slap a restraining order on me if I got within ten feet of the douchebag, and man, I know when the chick’s lying and she was not messing around.”
Finn takes a slow bite of his Sloppy Joe and chews it distastefully as Puck stares at him like he’s his last hope. After a long moment, Finn shakes his head and sighs.
“Okay fine, but she’s totally gonna see right through it.”
“What? Why?”
“Dude, the only time I ever see Rachel is either during Glee or when you’re there. She’s gonna think it’s fishy that I’m suddenly hanging around her again.”
“Shut up, you guys were like butt buddies all last semester, going to the fucking mall and calling each other special and shit.”
“Yeah, and you may not have realized it, but I dated her for a week after that and we ended things kinda weirdly...”
“Listen dude, I really don’t give a fuck. Just make sure you don’t get all googly-eyed over her again ‘cause I don’t have the time to deal with that shit and this asshole sniffing around my girl.”
-
Finn decides if he’s gonna go undercover, he might as well do it right, so they take a cowboy hat from the music room and Puck steals him a fake handlebar mustache from the costume shop down the street. Finn gets really into it and Puck is pretty convinced this kid might be legitimately mentally impaired, but shit’s hilarious and he knows no matter how pissed Rachel gets, she’ll think so too.
Finn’s first mission is to tail Blake and Rachel at the movies Friday night. He sits two rows behind them, wears a trenchcoat and everything. When the Chipmunks take the screen and the movie starts, he pulls out a notepad and pencil and starts scribbling notes under his coat. He thinks things are going pretty well until he starts to hear people talking behind him.
“Is that freak touching himself? No, really, I think that perv is actually touching himself!”
He quickly puts his notepad away and ducks in his seat but he keeps hearing the word “pedophile” and whispers about this being a kids movie, and suddenly, it’s too late. Everyone in the theater is looking in his direction, so he quickly gets up and runs out as a couple of irate parents scream after him, “we got your profile, buddy, you’re going down!”
When Puck sees him running, he calls after him. “Yo, what the fuck did you do?”
“Just shut up and run, Puckerman!”
-
It doesn’t take long for Rachel to catch on to what Finn’s up to (and honestly, Puck’s hair-brained scheme as well) but instead of blowing her top, she throws them both for a loop and invites Finn to hang out with her and Blake after school, and even to volunteer with them at his synagogue over the weekend. Finn asks Puck if he’ll get to spin a dreidel (“No dumbass, it’s fucking March.”) but the second the Jew card comes into play, Puck really starts to worry. A week later, he texts Finn and tells him to meet him at the AV room fourth period. He’s planned a whole strategy session to plot the demise of Blake “Frosted Tips” Bloomberg, all he needs is the info Finn was able to dig up during his time in deep cover to set it in motion.
“Alright man, what’d you get?”
“Dude, all I gotta say is if I were Rach, I’d let him go as far as he wanted, no dinner and movie necessary.”
“Hudson, if you tell me you’re gay for this dickweed-”
“Not gay, per se…”
“Fuck.”
Finn starts laughing and getting that kid in a candy shop grin and Puck knows he’s screwed.
“Can you blame me? This kid…Okay, for starters, he’s getting recruited by a European soccer league. Can you believe that?”
“Fuck Europe. Last time I checked we live in the United States of America. Home of the fucking brave.”
“And he’s actually really good. Rachel took me to one of his club games-”
“She took you fucking where?”
“Yeah, and after we had dinner with his family-”
“She actually ate food with his mom and dad?”
“Yeah man, and his little sister is adorable…Totally reminded me of Sarah except he, like, let her ride on his back and stuff.” Finn starts laughing and Puck is this close to throwing him out the third floor window. “Shit was seriously so cute.”
“Hudson, what are you saying?”
All of a sudden, Finn gets serious and rolls his chair closer.
“Puck…I gave them my blessings.”
“What? Dude, I thought we were bros.”
“Rachel’s my friend too, man, and she deserves someone who doesn’t make her leave through the window at the end of the night.”
“Did you talk to her about me? That’s seriously fucked up.” Puck shakes his head and starts pacing around the room, running a worried hand over his mohawk.
“Rachel’s a great girl, and she deserves a great guy. And dude, you’re not a great guy.”
Puck rolls his eyes and kicks Finn’s chair.
“Fuck this shit. Next time you need a wing-man, count me out.”
As Puck storms off, Finn calls out a happy, Mazel Tov! Without turning around, Puck raises his hand and flips his best friend the bird.
-
“You win, Berry, okay? You fucking win.”
Rachel closes her locker door to see Puck leaning on the one next to hers. She raises her chin and stares at him dispassionately. “I haven’t the faintest clue what you’re talking about, Puck.”
“Enough with this Puck shit, okay?” She starts making her way down the hall and he quickly falls in stride.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was the name you preferred to go by.”
Puck chuckles to himself before sideswiping her and pushing her towards the nearest janitor’s closet.
“Excuse me, but what do you think-”
He closes the door behind them and swiftly bolts it. “Alright, Berry, enough with this Ice Queen act. I’m trying to actually have a conversation with you.”
Rachel tilts her head and looks around at their surroundings, feigning confusion. “Oh really? That’s funny because I can’t remember us having a single conversation in this particular place.” She shakes her head and holds her hands up, keeping him at a distance. “Listen, if you think you can just pull me into broom closets and have your way with me, that’s not how the real world works.”
“I wasn’t-”
“I am dating someone now, thank you very much, and we are-” When she looks up at Puck, something in her voice cracks. “We are-”
“Spit it out, Berry,” he says with a low voice, his eyes firmly on hers.
“We’re happy.” She says slowly.
He laughs and his face softens as he takes a step closer and his hands wander towards her. “This is me waving the white flag, okay? Forget about that asshat-”
“Excuse me, but you know absolutely nothing about…” She drifts off as he pulls her towards him. Her hands settle on his chest and slowly make their way around his neck. “Really, Noah, if you think I’m just going to forgive you-”
“I’m sorry, B.” He brushes her hair out of her face and takes her head in his hands. “You were right, I was asshole. But to be fair, if you told me being in an actual fucking relationship meant you wanted me to stick around and make sure other guys don’t mack on you then I would’ve been down with that.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You worded it wrong!”
-
“Puck said he had what for me?”
Blake looks genuinely confused as he makes his way down the hall with a bright and cheerful Finn.
“Just trust me, okay? He told me that I should bring you by here at 2:50 exactly because he had a present for you.”
“Um, this is a janitor’s closet.”
“I know, I know. Really, you just gotta trust me on this one.”
“Are you sure, dude? I’m pretty sure Puck hates my guts.”
“He just takes a little time getting used to new people. I promise, he’s actually pretty cool when you get to know him.”
When Finn reaches for the door and swings it open, his expression quickly transforms into a frown, and Blake’s jaw drops. Puck turns around, his shirt no where to be found, a grin plastered to his face, and Rachel behind him.
“Surprise!”
Rachel gasps and quickly pushes him away before calling Blake’s name and scurrying after him, leaving Puck clutching his sides in laughter and Finn shaking his head at him in disapproval. When he finally gets his shirt on, he looks up at Finn and smiles.
“Dude, what?”
“You lied to me, bro. You told me you got him a no hard feelings gift!”
Puck comes out, and puts a sympathetic arm across Finn’s shoulders, leading him into the small space. “I totally did, it’s just over there…”
When Finn gets in the closet, Puck closes the door quickly and locks it with a cackle.
“Every. Fucking. Time.” He calls out as he walks down the hall.
“PUCK, YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?” Finn shouts from behind the door, and Puck just keeps walking.
“Trust me, dude, I know!”
---
Gotta give props were props are due, so WHATUP une_fille: you were totes the Finn to my Puck on this one (or vice versa?). IDEK DUDE ALL I KNOW IS I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU.
ETA: UNEQUIVOCALLY, HERE'S YOUR MF'IN SHOUT OUT FOR BASICALLY BEING MY SOULMATE. GOD WHY ARE YOU SO HIGH MAINTENANCE.
In the Janitor's Closet
---
“I don’t get why you’re so upset over this. She seems really happy.”
“The soccer team is just a bunch of pretentious pricks who pretend that people actually care about their stupid-ass sport.” Puck rolls his eyes and Finn just sighs. “I swear, dude, if it were anyone else, I wouldn’t give a shit. But a fucking soccer player? Come on."
“So you’re telling me that if Rachel were dating, like, I don’t know, Joey Henderson or something, you really wouldn’t care?”
“Okay, Joey Henderson wears velcro shoes. Bro, you’re not getting my point,” Puck leans forward intently, resting his elbows on his knees, “all I’m saying is the girl doesn’t know shit about dudes. I could care less who she gets her mack on with, she just needs to know what she’s getting herself into.”
Finn stares at him for a long second, his eyes narrow. “You do realize that you guys broke up, right? As in, are no longer together?”
“Yeah, and?”
“And this,” Finn motions animatedly to the space between the two of them, “is fucking weird, okay! It’s like you’re from the Twilight Zone or something.”
“What the hell are you trying to say, Hudson?”
“I’m saying maybe you should just apologize to her and get back together.”
“What? Fuck no.”
“You’re clearly-”
“I’m clearly what? And you better choose your words carefully, Big Boy.” Puck shoots him the most menacing glare he can muster and Finn just rolls his eyes.
“You’re clearly crazy about her okay? Sure, you and Rach came out of left field, but it worked, in a weird opposites-attract, salty-and-sweet kinda way.”
Puck stares at Finn for a long beat, his mouth hanging open until he stands abruptly and stalks away.
“Dude, I gotta go call Hummel ‘cause that was the legit gayest thing you have ever said to me.”
-
When Puck comes into Glee next day, Rachel ignores him altogether and keeps eagerly telling Tina and Kurt all about her first date with McKinley’s most-recent transfer student (and douchebag extraordinaire, Puck’s sure) Blake Bloomberg. He takes a seat as far away from her as he can but she’s projecting (on purpose) and he can hear every detail with perfect clarity. He tells himself he doesn’t care as he hears all about how Blake picked her up in his Audi (“Yes, his family is extremely well-off, as I’m sure you’ve noticed from his impeccable taste in Burberry.”) and how her dads adore him; how they shared a tiramisu for dessert at the best Italian restaurant in town and he told her all about his dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon and finding a beautiful, down-to-Earth (“Wait, you? Down-to-Earth?” “Just because I’m driven doesn’t make me unapproachable.”) Jewish girl to discover the true meaning of happiness. When she finishes, Puck snorts and leans back in his chair smugly.
“Did he tell you he loves Dolphins, too? And that shh, don’t tell anyone but he secretly loves The Notebook?” Rachel shoots him a death glare, her jaw clenched and her eyes seething. “Jesus, Berry, just fall for every trick in the book, why don't you?”
“I’ll have you know, Puck, that Ryan Gosling is actually Blake’s favorite actor.”
At that, Puck bursts out laughing, and Kurt’s eyes brighten.
“Shit, I was gonna say that he was lying to get into your pants, but you are totally this dude’s beard.”
Rachel frowns and turns to Kurt, who gives her an unsympathetic smile, “all signs point to yes.”
-
Turns out Blake Bloomberg isn’t gay. In fact, he’s far from it. It takes Puck exactly five minutes with Santana to find out how far from gay the dude actually is before he loses it, and charges into the cafeteria, cornering Finn at his lunch table.
“All I need you to do is run some recon for me, okay?”
“Seriously, man, why do you have to drag me into this shit? I’m just trying to eat my Sloppy Joe in peace, not got tangled up in some ridiculous Rachel-related drama.”
“Dude, who was the one who found you and took you home that time you got lost in the woods looking for a Port-a-Potty?”
“I know, and that was really awesome of you, but-”
“And who made out with Shirley Parker's tubby best friend so you could finally make a move?”
“Yeah, I know, but-”
“You owe me, bro, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Why can’t you just do it yourself?”
“Listen, Berry told me she’d slap a restraining order on me if I got within ten feet of the douchebag, and man, I know when the chick’s lying and she was not messing around.”
Finn takes a slow bite of his Sloppy Joe and chews it distastefully as Puck stares at him like he’s his last hope. After a long moment, Finn shakes his head and sighs.
“Okay fine, but she’s totally gonna see right through it.”
“What? Why?”
“Dude, the only time I ever see Rachel is either during Glee or when you’re there. She’s gonna think it’s fishy that I’m suddenly hanging around her again.”
“Shut up, you guys were like butt buddies all last semester, going to the fucking mall and calling each other special and shit.”
“Yeah, and you may not have realized it, but I dated her for a week after that and we ended things kinda weirdly...”
“Listen dude, I really don’t give a fuck. Just make sure you don’t get all googly-eyed over her again ‘cause I don’t have the time to deal with that shit and this asshole sniffing around my girl.”
-
Finn decides if he’s gonna go undercover, he might as well do it right, so they take a cowboy hat from the music room and Puck steals him a fake handlebar mustache from the costume shop down the street. Finn gets really into it and Puck is pretty convinced this kid might be legitimately mentally impaired, but shit’s hilarious and he knows no matter how pissed Rachel gets, she’ll think so too.
Finn’s first mission is to tail Blake and Rachel at the movies Friday night. He sits two rows behind them, wears a trenchcoat and everything. When the Chipmunks take the screen and the movie starts, he pulls out a notepad and pencil and starts scribbling notes under his coat. He thinks things are going pretty well until he starts to hear people talking behind him.
“Is that freak touching himself? No, really, I think that perv is actually touching himself!”
He quickly puts his notepad away and ducks in his seat but he keeps hearing the word “pedophile” and whispers about this being a kids movie, and suddenly, it’s too late. Everyone in the theater is looking in his direction, so he quickly gets up and runs out as a couple of irate parents scream after him, “we got your profile, buddy, you’re going down!”
When Puck sees him running, he calls after him. “Yo, what the fuck did you do?”
“Just shut up and run, Puckerman!”
-
It doesn’t take long for Rachel to catch on to what Finn’s up to (and honestly, Puck’s hair-brained scheme as well) but instead of blowing her top, she throws them both for a loop and invites Finn to hang out with her and Blake after school, and even to volunteer with them at his synagogue over the weekend. Finn asks Puck if he’ll get to spin a dreidel (“No dumbass, it’s fucking March.”) but the second the Jew card comes into play, Puck really starts to worry. A week later, he texts Finn and tells him to meet him at the AV room fourth period. He’s planned a whole strategy session to plot the demise of Blake “Frosted Tips” Bloomberg, all he needs is the info Finn was able to dig up during his time in deep cover to set it in motion.
“Alright man, what’d you get?”
“Dude, all I gotta say is if I were Rach, I’d let him go as far as he wanted, no dinner and movie necessary.”
“Hudson, if you tell me you’re gay for this dickweed-”
“Not gay, per se…”
“Fuck.”
Finn starts laughing and getting that kid in a candy shop grin and Puck knows he’s screwed.
“Can you blame me? This kid…Okay, for starters, he’s getting recruited by a European soccer league. Can you believe that?”
“Fuck Europe. Last time I checked we live in the United States of America. Home of the fucking brave.”
“And he’s actually really good. Rachel took me to one of his club games-”
“She took you fucking where?”
“Yeah, and after we had dinner with his family-”
“She actually ate food with his mom and dad?”
“Yeah man, and his little sister is adorable…Totally reminded me of Sarah except he, like, let her ride on his back and stuff.” Finn starts laughing and Puck is this close to throwing him out the third floor window. “Shit was seriously so cute.”
“Hudson, what are you saying?”
All of a sudden, Finn gets serious and rolls his chair closer.
“Puck…I gave them my blessings.”
“What? Dude, I thought we were bros.”
“Rachel’s my friend too, man, and she deserves someone who doesn’t make her leave through the window at the end of the night.”
“Did you talk to her about me? That’s seriously fucked up.” Puck shakes his head and starts pacing around the room, running a worried hand over his mohawk.
“Rachel’s a great girl, and she deserves a great guy. And dude, you’re not a great guy.”
Puck rolls his eyes and kicks Finn’s chair.
“Fuck this shit. Next time you need a wing-man, count me out.”
As Puck storms off, Finn calls out a happy, Mazel Tov! Without turning around, Puck raises his hand and flips his best friend the bird.
-
“You win, Berry, okay? You fucking win.”
Rachel closes her locker door to see Puck leaning on the one next to hers. She raises her chin and stares at him dispassionately. “I haven’t the faintest clue what you’re talking about, Puck.”
“Enough with this Puck shit, okay?” She starts making her way down the hall and he quickly falls in stride.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was the name you preferred to go by.”
Puck chuckles to himself before sideswiping her and pushing her towards the nearest janitor’s closet.
“Excuse me, but what do you think-”
He closes the door behind them and swiftly bolts it. “Alright, Berry, enough with this Ice Queen act. I’m trying to actually have a conversation with you.”
Rachel tilts her head and looks around at their surroundings, feigning confusion. “Oh really? That’s funny because I can’t remember us having a single conversation in this particular place.” She shakes her head and holds her hands up, keeping him at a distance. “Listen, if you think you can just pull me into broom closets and have your way with me, that’s not how the real world works.”
“I wasn’t-”
“I am dating someone now, thank you very much, and we are-” When she looks up at Puck, something in her voice cracks. “We are-”
“Spit it out, Berry,” he says with a low voice, his eyes firmly on hers.
“We’re happy.” She says slowly.
He laughs and his face softens as he takes a step closer and his hands wander towards her. “This is me waving the white flag, okay? Forget about that asshat-”
“Excuse me, but you know absolutely nothing about…” She drifts off as he pulls her towards him. Her hands settle on his chest and slowly make their way around his neck. “Really, Noah, if you think I’m just going to forgive you-”
“I’m sorry, B.” He brushes her hair out of her face and takes her head in his hands. “You were right, I was asshole. But to be fair, if you told me being in an actual fucking relationship meant you wanted me to stick around and make sure other guys don’t mack on you then I would’ve been down with that.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You worded it wrong!”
-
“Puck said he had what for me?”
Blake looks genuinely confused as he makes his way down the hall with a bright and cheerful Finn.
“Just trust me, okay? He told me that I should bring you by here at 2:50 exactly because he had a present for you.”
“Um, this is a janitor’s closet.”
“I know, I know. Really, you just gotta trust me on this one.”
“Are you sure, dude? I’m pretty sure Puck hates my guts.”
“He just takes a little time getting used to new people. I promise, he’s actually pretty cool when you get to know him.”
When Finn reaches for the door and swings it open, his expression quickly transforms into a frown, and Blake’s jaw drops. Puck turns around, his shirt no where to be found, a grin plastered to his face, and Rachel behind him.
“Surprise!”
Rachel gasps and quickly pushes him away before calling Blake’s name and scurrying after him, leaving Puck clutching his sides in laughter and Finn shaking his head at him in disapproval. When he finally gets his shirt on, he looks up at Finn and smiles.
“Dude, what?”
“You lied to me, bro. You told me you got him a no hard feelings gift!”
Puck comes out, and puts a sympathetic arm across Finn’s shoulders, leading him into the small space. “I totally did, it’s just over there…”
When Finn gets in the closet, Puck closes the door quickly and locks it with a cackle.
“Every. Fucking. Time.” He calls out as he walks down the hall.
“PUCK, YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?” Finn shouts from behind the door, and Puck just keeps walking.
“Trust me, dude, I know!”
---