Dianetics Another Day: Chapter 5
Dianetics Another Day
Chapter 5: In Which Plot Points are Stolen from South Park
He had told her she was not needed, and Excel figured that he must be right. Not just because he was Lord Il Palazzo and he was always right, but because the seeds of doubt had been with her all along. She knew now that had never been good or smart enough to understand his ideals, just as she had not been competent enough to implement them. Looking at the situation from a strictly mathematical perspective, she was one person in 6.6 billion. That meant the chance that she, Excel, was the second-most important person in the world, came to a measly .00000000016%. Not the best odds.
"Brush your teeth and go to sleep at night," she said. "Wake up and eat breakfast in the morning. People do those everywhere. There's only one Haruhi Suzumiya, and I ain't her."
She was just an ordinary person now. An ignorant mass. It would be better not to exist at all.
These were the thoughts tormenting Excel when Umi's head peeked through first the window, then the door. "Hello? Miss Excel?"
It was just a little thing, but hearing her name snapped Excel to attention. Lord Il Palazzo gave her that name, hadn't he? He wouldn't have bothered with a useless person, and he couldn't have meant what he said. It was a mistake, a ruse to help her elude her captors, a test of her faith; but it wasn't real!
"How are you feeling?" Umi asked. "I thought I'd drop by to clean up the glass and-"
Excel had her up against the wall before she could so much as iyaaan, pressing a piece of said glass up against her neck. "I'm leaving! You can't stop me! Until I hear the words from Lord Il Palazzo's mouth, nothing is going to stop me!"
"Okay!" Umi squeaked.
"How many people are here?"
"J-just you and me! Ms. Matsuya left and the professor needed to get some parts for Mr. Iwata who I guess is also here but he's just a head so I figured he didn't count and Aunt Miwa is here, too, but she's napping, and the house was quiet so I thought I'd bake you some cookies!"
Excel peered down at the plate of cookies that she'd knocked down without noticing. "Dang," she said. "This is well outside the three-second window."
"Yeah..."
"And they fell right into the glass," Excel further observed.
"They did..."
"And they have my blood on them."
Excel continued to stare at the cookies until Umi said, "Um... Miss Excel?"
Once again, she snapped out of a daze. "Right. Epic escape. Which way is out, again?"
Umi pointed. Excel dropped her and dashed down the hallway. Then she dashed back. "Door's locked."
"I'm sorry. Let me show you out!" Umi flitted down the hallway. "The professor was going to let you go anyway. That's why I put the tranquilizers in your cookies!"
"Gee," said Excel, starting to feel a little silly following her around with the glass shard in hand. "Thanks."
Though neither of them knew it, Umi had also put rat poison in the cookies. That was an honest mistake; she'd mixed it up with the chocolate chips.
"This is the front door," said Umi, opening it for her. "Do you need directions?"
Excel was already walking out the door.
"Goodbye!" Umi called. "Cheer up!"
Excel should have kept walking, but turned to glare at her. "Who needs to cheer up?"
"Well... you were just so sad, and-"
"I'm not sad! I'm an Excel-shaped cloud of righteous indignation!" This was valid point, after all, and Excel could not help but feel the need to clarify. She jabbed her finger at Umi accusingly. "And another thing! If you think that just because you're letting me go, you're getting off for kidnapping, you've got another thing coming!"
"Are you hungry?" Umi blurted.
It threw Excel's entire tirade off-keel. "Yes, damnit!"
"R-right! You haven't gotten to eat all day! And... and it's rude to send a guest away hungry! I promise I won't try to drug you this time!"
"Is this some kind of reverse Stockholm Syndrome...?"
"Let's go somewhere nice! My treat! Would that cheer you up?"
Excel wanted to say that the esteemed professor's liver on a stick would cheer her up. She wanted to say that she didn't even need cheering up, so there. She said, "F-free food..."
* * *
"Well," said the Excel of dubious authenticity as she pulled on the chains that suspended Hyatt over the pit of acid, "that was fun."
Elgala gingerly fished poison darts from her hair. "How was I supposed to know that Lord Il Palazzo's name is spelled differently in Latin?"
"It is Lord Il Palazzo's name," Excel chided. "Are you relatively all right, Hyatt?"
"I don't appear to be bleeding much more than usual..."
"Good. Elgala?"
"I have yet to be maimed by the gamut of crude and un-elegant traps," Elgala confirmed. "Who would have known that the ferocious beast at the end of the dungeon was going to be a parrot?"
"An ex-parrot," Hyatt corrected.
"These things don't live forever," Excel pointed out. "Come on, we don't have much farther to go."
"Where are we going, anyway?"
"We're going to get the spaceship."
"Of course," replied Elgala. "The spaceship. Why didn't I think of that?"
* * *
Excel was shocked at how easily Umi managed to find a restaurant that she'd never worked in, though on second thought, the qualifier 'nice' probably had a great deal to do with that. She made sure to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Umi made the first attempt to break an increasingly awkward silence. "So... your name's Excel, right? Are you half-American?"
"It's a codename," said Excel in between stuffing her mouth and pockets with complimentary bread. "Any more'n that and I'd have to kill you. HEY, WAITER! KEEP THE CARBS A-COMIN'!"
"I don't really understand what's going on, but you must really like Mr. Il Palazzo, huh?"
One improperly chewed bite, a few long seconds of Heimlich, and several minutes of embarrassment later, Excel said, "Don't talk about Lord Il Palazzo."
"It's just, after you spoke to him, you seemed so heartbroken and sad..."
"I am not heartbroken!" Excel slammed her palms into the table. "I'm not sad, scared, lonely, distraught, or reevaluating my worth as a human being! AND FOR THE RECORD, THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE, OKAY!?"
"Here," said Umi, handing over a handkerchief.
Excel blew her nose noisily. "It's all just a big misunderstanding. No use trippin' out over it."
"I think I know how you feel," said Umi. "There's someone I like, too, but I don't think he likes me. I mess up a lot, and I think I make him mad."
"You are kind of a twit," Excel observed, not unkindly.
"But I haven't given up hope! You shouldn't, either!"
"Who's given up hope? I just..." Excel trailed off, not even sure what she was trying to say.
"You just?"
"NOTHING. Stop staring at me."
Leaving the restaurant was as awkward as going there in the first place. "I know you'll do fine with your Lord Il Palazzo," she said. "He'd be crazy not to take you back!"
Excel wanted to believe her, but in the second it took her to convince herself, Umi continued.
"I know... you should confess your feelings as a bunnygirl! The international symbol of love!"
Excel made a ¦D face. It was a ¦D face of befuddlement and confusion.
"Come on! I usually have to shop by mail order, but I bet the costume shop in the mall would have something that fits you!" Umi took her by the hand and started to pull.
Of course, Excel's first urge was to suckerpunch, but...
Obviously, she'd never appear in front of Lord Il Palazzo in front of anything like a bunnygirl costume (unless by his specific request), but it wouldn't hurt to look nice when she went to see him.
And if it was free...
* * *
The spaceship, as the so-called Excel had so-called it, was massive and golden, and had garnered remarkably little dust for having been sitting at the end of a trap-filled labyrinth for all of human history. It was also an airplane.
Elgala clapped her hands with delight. "I wouldn't call it a spaceship, but it's very bling, Senior! Is this our ACROSS Force One?"
Hyatt gurgled with a similar note of awe.
Excel barely had a glance at it before heading toward the door. "Something like that. Let's hope that it still works."
"It's amazing that this has been here whole time! I'm surprised Lord Il Palazzo never told us about it."
"You shouldn't be. There's a lot Lord Il Palazzo never told us."
* * *
After Umi had taken Excel to the costume shop, salon, movies, ice cream parlor, grocery, and hardware store, she made an announcement. "I think I'm running out of money."
Excel, who was beginning to learn the joys of being an expensive date, treated her to a dark frown.
"I'm sorry! Maybe there's something we can do that's fun and free..."
"As someone who's done her share of free things - as well as everyone else's - allow me to assure you that 'fun' and 'free' are mutually exclusive terms."
"But if I spend any more, I won't be able to afford books for next semester..."
"Semester?" Excel blinked. "Are you in college? Like... where people who can read go to learn things?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Are you sure you've thought your life plan through? I hear the OL career track is a good way go find a husband. More importantly, are you sure you're completely tapped out?"
As they spoke, they were approached by a woman with a clipboard. A German, chain-smoking woman with a clipboard. "Guten tag! I thought that might be you!"
"Hey, Ms. Manager! Still haven't been deported yet, huh?"
"Always with the making funny, this one." Ms. Manager flicked ashes in Excel's general direction. "I see you are having a new friend. What happened to the other ones?"
"Mu-chan is probably in prison. Ha-chan is probably lying dead somewhere. What are you up to these days?"
"I am giving these personality assessments. It is fun and free, ja?"
"With all due respect to our long and sordid past. Ms. Manager, I'd rather let a buffalo take a diar-"
"She'll do it!" cried Umi.
Excel's eyes glowed red.
"Aren't we lucky? What are the odds that this would happen? Maybe we'll find out your love horoscope and how compatible you are with Lord Il Pa-ooowww! You're stepping on my foot!"
Excel pondered. Mistress of temp jobs that she was, she'd done surveying work, and it wasn't fun for anyone involved. But setting that side, acquiescing meant spending more time with Umi, and more time with Umi meant more opportunities to milk her for money.
"Let's do this thing."
* * *
"Senior Excel, Senior Excel!" Elgala burst into the cockpit, dragging Hyatt along behind. "We have a problem!"
Excel turned away from the control panel, where she had previously been jamming buttons like Beethoven writing a death symphony or Yuki Nagato reprogramming a computer game. "You can't possibly be finished cleaning the ship."
(No, we're still fighting through the dangerous and horrible job you gave us while you sit here and play Minesweeper,) Elgala thought. Elgala said, "I think something is trying to eat Senior Hyatt!" She yanked the girl forward, displaying the creature attached to her head with game show efficiency.
"That's just a face-hugger. It's not trying to eat her. Haven't you ever seen that documentary?"
"Documentary...?" Elgala echoed.
"It's laying its eggs down her throat," Excel explained off-handedly. "It'll probably be the alien that finds its death in there, but put her in quarantine just in case. It should be done gestating by the time you've cleared out the nest, and you can dispatch it then. Do you still have the cleaning supplies I gave you?"
"I still have the flamethrower, yes."
"So why are you still here?"
* * *
If Excel had even the vaguest idea of how long, dull, and occasionally creepy the assessment would be, she'd have punched Umi then and there and been done with it. As it was, she settled into a comfortable defense mechanism of counting the cracks in the ceiling while automatically answering in non sequiturs.
"Ach du lieber!" Ms. Manager finally proclaimed.
"What is it?" Umi cried. "Is it bad luck with romance?"
Excel held herself back from beating Umi once more. She had already come this far, and she thought of the sweet, sweet textbook money.
"According to test, your friend is being very unhappy!"
"Oh no!"
"I could've told you that..."
"What can we do, doctor? How can we help her?"
"She's not a doctor. She's just holding a clipboard..."
"Well, there are more tests we can do to see why her unhappiness, isn't it?"
"THE TESTS ARE MAKING ME UNHAPPY TO BEGIN WITH."
Umi turned to Excel with determination in her eyes. "I know you think it's silly, but these people might be able to help you! When can she take the next test, doctor?"
Ms. Manager replied with a completely straight face. "As soon as she is paying 25,000 yen, ja?"
"Do you take credit card?"
Excel choked almost as hard as she had at the restaurant. "D-don't do that! I'll take your credit card directly! I'll be so happy you'll think I was recently released from a mental institution!"
Ms. Manager snagged the card expertly, leaving Excel to grasp at empty air. "I'll be right back."
She left the room, and Excel took the time to glare +1 daggers at Umi. "Shouldn't the law of natural selection have prevented you from reaching this age?"
Excel would have prevented Umi from reaching a higher age, but she found herself distracted by the sound of boots and the faint smells of blood and gunpowder. She peered up to catch the grand entrance of a man that she felt she really ought to have suspected. "Never underestimate the human will to survive," he said. "Like a flower blooming in the darkness of a battlefield."
Excel did a double-take. "Mr. Owner! Didn't you go down with the hotel?"
"Yes, I too thought my fate to be consigned to the briny deep. The tendrils of Davy Jones were dragging me down in a way that could never have been portrayed in a high-budget movie trilogy... ah, but I suppose a pair of young ladies such as yourselves don't care for the rambling reminiscence of an old blowhard like me..."
"No," said Excel, "not particularly. Good to see you again, though. How 'bout givin' us a refund, huh? For old times' sake?"
"They call it a test, but it's not so hard." Mr. Owner placed a strange-looking machine in front of her. "All you have to do is grab the handles."
Excel grabbed the handles. "Is this thing gonna tell me if I'm a hot tamale?"
Mr. Owner did not reply.
"Hey, Mr. Owner? Can I drop the Wiimote yet?"
Mr. Owner did not reply.
"Hey, Vegeta? What does the scouter say about my power levels?"
"They're just under nine thousand!" He turned the device so she could see the blinking 8,999. "I've never seen anyone with such a high thetan level. I should have known all along... you have the eyes of a savior."
Excel leaned over to Umi and whispered, "I still have that glass shank. Be ready to run for it when I give the signal."
"There's one more person you still need to meet," said Mr. Owner. "I'll call the limo."
"...limo?"
* * *
"There," said Elgala. "All of the bodies are in the airlock, the spiderwebs have been burned, and the glass has been cleaned without streaks. Can we pleaaaase take a break?"
"I suppose," said Excel.
"That's it? No 'Thanks for the hard work, Elgala,' or, 'I'm sorry your senior's torso had to explode, Elgala'? She's doing just fine, by the way."
"Did you clean up after her?"
"Yes, Mother. What have you been doing here all this time, anyway?"
"Tests. Reprogramming. Disabling the security system."
"Uh. Would the kind of same security system that should have been keeping out all the monsters...?"
"No, it's the one meant to keep Lord Il Palazzo out. Oh - there's a jacuzzi in first class, if you'd like to relax."
Elgala was gone at '-uzzi.'
Chapter 5: In Which Plot Points are Stolen from South Park
He had told her she was not needed, and Excel figured that he must be right. Not just because he was Lord Il Palazzo and he was always right, but because the seeds of doubt had been with her all along. She knew now that had never been good or smart enough to understand his ideals, just as she had not been competent enough to implement them. Looking at the situation from a strictly mathematical perspective, she was one person in 6.6 billion. That meant the chance that she, Excel, was the second-most important person in the world, came to a measly .00000000016%. Not the best odds.
"Brush your teeth and go to sleep at night," she said. "Wake up and eat breakfast in the morning. People do those everywhere. There's only one Haruhi Suzumiya, and I ain't her."
She was just an ordinary person now. An ignorant mass. It would be better not to exist at all.
These were the thoughts tormenting Excel when Umi's head peeked through first the window, then the door. "Hello? Miss Excel?"
It was just a little thing, but hearing her name snapped Excel to attention. Lord Il Palazzo gave her that name, hadn't he? He wouldn't have bothered with a useless person, and he couldn't have meant what he said. It was a mistake, a ruse to help her elude her captors, a test of her faith; but it wasn't real!
"How are you feeling?" Umi asked. "I thought I'd drop by to clean up the glass and-"
Excel had her up against the wall before she could so much as iyaaan, pressing a piece of said glass up against her neck. "I'm leaving! You can't stop me! Until I hear the words from Lord Il Palazzo's mouth, nothing is going to stop me!"
"Okay!" Umi squeaked.
"How many people are here?"
"J-just you and me! Ms. Matsuya left and the professor needed to get some parts for Mr. Iwata who I guess is also here but he's just a head so I figured he didn't count and Aunt Miwa is here, too, but she's napping, and the house was quiet so I thought I'd bake you some cookies!"
Excel peered down at the plate of cookies that she'd knocked down without noticing. "Dang," she said. "This is well outside the three-second window."
"Yeah..."
"And they fell right into the glass," Excel further observed.
"They did..."
"And they have my blood on them."
Excel continued to stare at the cookies until Umi said, "Um... Miss Excel?"
Once again, she snapped out of a daze. "Right. Epic escape. Which way is out, again?"
Umi pointed. Excel dropped her and dashed down the hallway. Then she dashed back. "Door's locked."
"I'm sorry. Let me show you out!" Umi flitted down the hallway. "The professor was going to let you go anyway. That's why I put the tranquilizers in your cookies!"
"Gee," said Excel, starting to feel a little silly following her around with the glass shard in hand. "Thanks."
Though neither of them knew it, Umi had also put rat poison in the cookies. That was an honest mistake; she'd mixed it up with the chocolate chips.
"This is the front door," said Umi, opening it for her. "Do you need directions?"
Excel was already walking out the door.
"Goodbye!" Umi called. "Cheer up!"
Excel should have kept walking, but turned to glare at her. "Who needs to cheer up?"
"Well... you were just so sad, and-"
"I'm not sad! I'm an Excel-shaped cloud of righteous indignation!" This was valid point, after all, and Excel could not help but feel the need to clarify. She jabbed her finger at Umi accusingly. "And another thing! If you think that just because you're letting me go, you're getting off for kidnapping, you've got another thing coming!"
"Are you hungry?" Umi blurted.
It threw Excel's entire tirade off-keel. "Yes, damnit!"
"R-right! You haven't gotten to eat all day! And... and it's rude to send a guest away hungry! I promise I won't try to drug you this time!"
"Is this some kind of reverse Stockholm Syndrome...?"
"Let's go somewhere nice! My treat! Would that cheer you up?"
Excel wanted to say that the esteemed professor's liver on a stick would cheer her up. She wanted to say that she didn't even need cheering up, so there. She said, "F-free food..."
* * *
"Well," said the Excel of dubious authenticity as she pulled on the chains that suspended Hyatt over the pit of acid, "that was fun."
Elgala gingerly fished poison darts from her hair. "How was I supposed to know that Lord Il Palazzo's name is spelled differently in Latin?"
"It is Lord Il Palazzo's name," Excel chided. "Are you relatively all right, Hyatt?"
"I don't appear to be bleeding much more than usual..."
"Good. Elgala?"
"I have yet to be maimed by the gamut of crude and un-elegant traps," Elgala confirmed. "Who would have known that the ferocious beast at the end of the dungeon was going to be a parrot?"
"An ex-parrot," Hyatt corrected.
"These things don't live forever," Excel pointed out. "Come on, we don't have much farther to go."
"Where are we going, anyway?"
"We're going to get the spaceship."
"Of course," replied Elgala. "The spaceship. Why didn't I think of that?"
* * *
Excel was shocked at how easily Umi managed to find a restaurant that she'd never worked in, though on second thought, the qualifier 'nice' probably had a great deal to do with that. She made sure to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Umi made the first attempt to break an increasingly awkward silence. "So... your name's Excel, right? Are you half-American?"
"It's a codename," said Excel in between stuffing her mouth and pockets with complimentary bread. "Any more'n that and I'd have to kill you. HEY, WAITER! KEEP THE CARBS A-COMIN'!"
"I don't really understand what's going on, but you must really like Mr. Il Palazzo, huh?"
One improperly chewed bite, a few long seconds of Heimlich, and several minutes of embarrassment later, Excel said, "Don't talk about Lord Il Palazzo."
"It's just, after you spoke to him, you seemed so heartbroken and sad..."
"I am not heartbroken!" Excel slammed her palms into the table. "I'm not sad, scared, lonely, distraught, or reevaluating my worth as a human being! AND FOR THE RECORD, THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE, OKAY!?"
"Here," said Umi, handing over a handkerchief.
Excel blew her nose noisily. "It's all just a big misunderstanding. No use trippin' out over it."
"I think I know how you feel," said Umi. "There's someone I like, too, but I don't think he likes me. I mess up a lot, and I think I make him mad."
"You are kind of a twit," Excel observed, not unkindly.
"But I haven't given up hope! You shouldn't, either!"
"Who's given up hope? I just..." Excel trailed off, not even sure what she was trying to say.
"You just?"
"NOTHING. Stop staring at me."
Leaving the restaurant was as awkward as going there in the first place. "I know you'll do fine with your Lord Il Palazzo," she said. "He'd be crazy not to take you back!"
Excel wanted to believe her, but in the second it took her to convince herself, Umi continued.
"I know... you should confess your feelings as a bunnygirl! The international symbol of love!"
Excel made a ¦D face. It was a ¦D face of befuddlement and confusion.
"Come on! I usually have to shop by mail order, but I bet the costume shop in the mall would have something that fits you!" Umi took her by the hand and started to pull.
Of course, Excel's first urge was to suckerpunch, but...
Obviously, she'd never appear in front of Lord Il Palazzo in front of anything like a bunnygirl costume (unless by his specific request), but it wouldn't hurt to look nice when she went to see him.
And if it was free...
* * *
The spaceship, as the so-called Excel had so-called it, was massive and golden, and had garnered remarkably little dust for having been sitting at the end of a trap-filled labyrinth for all of human history. It was also an airplane.
Elgala clapped her hands with delight. "I wouldn't call it a spaceship, but it's very bling, Senior! Is this our ACROSS Force One?"
Hyatt gurgled with a similar note of awe.
Excel barely had a glance at it before heading toward the door. "Something like that. Let's hope that it still works."
"It's amazing that this has been here whole time! I'm surprised Lord Il Palazzo never told us about it."
"You shouldn't be. There's a lot Lord Il Palazzo never told us."
* * *
After Umi had taken Excel to the costume shop, salon, movies, ice cream parlor, grocery, and hardware store, she made an announcement. "I think I'm running out of money."
Excel, who was beginning to learn the joys of being an expensive date, treated her to a dark frown.
"I'm sorry! Maybe there's something we can do that's fun and free..."
"As someone who's done her share of free things - as well as everyone else's - allow me to assure you that 'fun' and 'free' are mutually exclusive terms."
"But if I spend any more, I won't be able to afford books for next semester..."
"Semester?" Excel blinked. "Are you in college? Like... where people who can read go to learn things?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Are you sure you've thought your life plan through? I hear the OL career track is a good way go find a husband. More importantly, are you sure you're completely tapped out?"
As they spoke, they were approached by a woman with a clipboard. A German, chain-smoking woman with a clipboard. "Guten tag! I thought that might be you!"
"Hey, Ms. Manager! Still haven't been deported yet, huh?"
"Always with the making funny, this one." Ms. Manager flicked ashes in Excel's general direction. "I see you are having a new friend. What happened to the other ones?"
"Mu-chan is probably in prison. Ha-chan is probably lying dead somewhere. What are you up to these days?"
"I am giving these personality assessments. It is fun and free, ja?"
"With all due respect to our long and sordid past. Ms. Manager, I'd rather let a buffalo take a diar-"
"She'll do it!" cried Umi.
Excel's eyes glowed red.
"Aren't we lucky? What are the odds that this would happen? Maybe we'll find out your love horoscope and how compatible you are with Lord Il Pa-ooowww! You're stepping on my foot!"
Excel pondered. Mistress of temp jobs that she was, she'd done surveying work, and it wasn't fun for anyone involved. But setting that side, acquiescing meant spending more time with Umi, and more time with Umi meant more opportunities to milk her for money.
"Let's do this thing."
* * *
"Senior Excel, Senior Excel!" Elgala burst into the cockpit, dragging Hyatt along behind. "We have a problem!"
Excel turned away from the control panel, where she had previously been jamming buttons like Beethoven writing a death symphony or Yuki Nagato reprogramming a computer game. "You can't possibly be finished cleaning the ship."
(No, we're still fighting through the dangerous and horrible job you gave us while you sit here and play Minesweeper,) Elgala thought. Elgala said, "I think something is trying to eat Senior Hyatt!" She yanked the girl forward, displaying the creature attached to her head with game show efficiency.
"That's just a face-hugger. It's not trying to eat her. Haven't you ever seen that documentary?"
"Documentary...?" Elgala echoed.
"It's laying its eggs down her throat," Excel explained off-handedly. "It'll probably be the alien that finds its death in there, but put her in quarantine just in case. It should be done gestating by the time you've cleared out the nest, and you can dispatch it then. Do you still have the cleaning supplies I gave you?"
"I still have the flamethrower, yes."
"So why are you still here?"
* * *
If Excel had even the vaguest idea of how long, dull, and occasionally creepy the assessment would be, she'd have punched Umi then and there and been done with it. As it was, she settled into a comfortable defense mechanism of counting the cracks in the ceiling while automatically answering in non sequiturs.
"Ach du lieber!" Ms. Manager finally proclaimed.
"What is it?" Umi cried. "Is it bad luck with romance?"
Excel held herself back from beating Umi once more. She had already come this far, and she thought of the sweet, sweet textbook money.
"According to test, your friend is being very unhappy!"
"Oh no!"
"I could've told you that..."
"What can we do, doctor? How can we help her?"
"She's not a doctor. She's just holding a clipboard..."
"Well, there are more tests we can do to see why her unhappiness, isn't it?"
"THE TESTS ARE MAKING ME UNHAPPY TO BEGIN WITH."
Umi turned to Excel with determination in her eyes. "I know you think it's silly, but these people might be able to help you! When can she take the next test, doctor?"
Ms. Manager replied with a completely straight face. "As soon as she is paying 25,000 yen, ja?"
"Do you take credit card?"
Excel choked almost as hard as she had at the restaurant. "D-don't do that! I'll take your credit card directly! I'll be so happy you'll think I was recently released from a mental institution!"
Ms. Manager snagged the card expertly, leaving Excel to grasp at empty air. "I'll be right back."
She left the room, and Excel took the time to glare +1 daggers at Umi. "Shouldn't the law of natural selection have prevented you from reaching this age?"
Excel would have prevented Umi from reaching a higher age, but she found herself distracted by the sound of boots and the faint smells of blood and gunpowder. She peered up to catch the grand entrance of a man that she felt she really ought to have suspected. "Never underestimate the human will to survive," he said. "Like a flower blooming in the darkness of a battlefield."
Excel did a double-take. "Mr. Owner! Didn't you go down with the hotel?"
"Yes, I too thought my fate to be consigned to the briny deep. The tendrils of Davy Jones were dragging me down in a way that could never have been portrayed in a high-budget movie trilogy... ah, but I suppose a pair of young ladies such as yourselves don't care for the rambling reminiscence of an old blowhard like me..."
"No," said Excel, "not particularly. Good to see you again, though. How 'bout givin' us a refund, huh? For old times' sake?"
"They call it a test, but it's not so hard." Mr. Owner placed a strange-looking machine in front of her. "All you have to do is grab the handles."
Excel grabbed the handles. "Is this thing gonna tell me if I'm a hot tamale?"
Mr. Owner did not reply.
"Hey, Mr. Owner? Can I drop the Wiimote yet?"
Mr. Owner did not reply.
"Hey, Vegeta? What does the scouter say about my power levels?"
"They're just under nine thousand!" He turned the device so she could see the blinking 8,999. "I've never seen anyone with such a high thetan level. I should have known all along... you have the eyes of a savior."
Excel leaned over to Umi and whispered, "I still have that glass shank. Be ready to run for it when I give the signal."
"There's one more person you still need to meet," said Mr. Owner. "I'll call the limo."
"...limo?"
* * *
"There," said Elgala. "All of the bodies are in the airlock, the spiderwebs have been burned, and the glass has been cleaned without streaks. Can we pleaaaase take a break?"
"I suppose," said Excel.
"That's it? No 'Thanks for the hard work, Elgala,' or, 'I'm sorry your senior's torso had to explode, Elgala'? She's doing just fine, by the way."
"Did you clean up after her?"
"Yes, Mother. What have you been doing here all this time, anyway?"
"Tests. Reprogramming. Disabling the security system."
"Uh. Would the kind of same security system that should have been keeping out all the monsters...?"
"No, it's the one meant to keep Lord Il Palazzo out. Oh - there's a jacuzzi in first class, if you'd like to relax."
Elgala was gone at '-uzzi.'