Dianetics Another Day Chapter 12
Dianetics Another Day
Chapter 12: Tom Cruise Control
Excel loaded up her plate without reserve. Some people tried to talk to her, but they did it in English, so she ignored them completely. Miwa ushered her off to a private spot, and she began to wolf it all down. Excel did not particularly care to talk to Miwa, but she couldn't entirely help herself, and she ended up asking, "Who are these people, anyway?"
"Can't you tell? These are the chosen ones. Your Knights Templar. The Scientologists."
"Uh-huuuh." Excel scratched her head. "More like a science fiction convention. Except everybody bathes, I guess."
"You could look at it that way! The whole world's a sci-fi convention and you're William Shatner."
"I don't want to be William Shatner!"
Miwa tsked. "That's not what William Shatner would say."
"You know, you and the mustache guy and the mad scientist are all more than happy to abduct me and pontificate at me and feed me and call me Captain Kirk, but not one of you will tell me anything that makes any sense!"
"The doctor showed you quite a lot, didn't he? About Il Palazzo."
"Not really," Excel lied.
"Not really? You've been shutting down every time you get close to the truth. I know very well it's not an Implant that's stopping you. What's so terrible that you'd go to such a length to protect yourself, hmm?"
"I'm not gonna take the bait and ask you what an 'Implant' with a capital 'I' is." Excel threw back a shot of iced tea.
"As any good Scientologists knows, it's something that Xenu - your very own Lord Il Palazzo - put into all of us to keep us from getting too close to the truth. Actually, we made it up to get more money, but I won't bore you to death with the details. I just want to know if you'll be ready to fight him."
Excel slammed a fist into the table, her plastic fork snapping with the force of it. "Who'd be ready for something like that?"
"What more loyalty do you owe that man? He tossed you out like last week's garbage. Or shall I put it another way? Il Palazzo is taking over the world; successfully, for once. Governments are falling like houses of cards. He's not exactly in a position where he has to hold audiences. Do you really think you're just going to be able to waltz in and see him? Do you even know where he is right now?"
Excel channeled her rage into chewing. She had a mouthful of squid and this annoying woman wasn't worth choking over.
"We can get you in to see him. We exist to get you in to see him. This religion has been amassing personnel and resources for twenty years now, all just for you."
"Why?"
"Did Il Palazzo ever tell you why? Did you ever wonder what made you so special?"
Excel could only barely admit it to herself, let alone express the feeling to Miwa under anything less than torture, but she had wondered that very thing. Still, the fact remained that Il Palazzo had chosen her to be his first disciple, and only the most powerful self-esteem issues could stand against the face of that incontrovertible evidence. Besides, the strange memories that she had been shown were not something she could believe in. Not only was she pointedly aware of how much it probably came from her imagination, it was exactly something that would come from her imagination.
And yet, if she did have such a bond with her lord...
"Are you saying that I'm important because I'm important to Lord Il Palazzo?"
Miwa broke into cruel laugher. "Not at all! I'm saying you're not important to Il Palazzo. You're important to a lonely old mustache's nostalgia, and you're important to the people on this ship, but no one is important to Il Palazzo. The sooner your realize that-"
"You're wrong!" Excel interrupted. "Everyone is important to Lord Il Palazzo! Even your poor overstressed lower back can't imagine the weight on his shoulders!"
"Well, how shall I put it, hmm~? Ah, yes. I don't care." Miwa spoke with such sudden force that even Excel was silenced. "I don't care if he wants to save the world or destroy it. I don't care if he's some poor deluded bastard or Xenu himself. It's time to put an end to this."
Lord Il Palazzo had told her that there would be those who would oppose them, and she did her best to take preventative measures against these suppressive people, and yet staring into the face of Miwa, she knew that she had only been chasing shadows until now. She boggled at the kind of madness it would take to reject ACROSS's superior rule. Still, she had to ask. "What do you have against Lord Il Palazzo, anyway?"
Miwa softened instantly, sitting back in her chair as a sly grin returned to her face. "Oh, he's not so bad. It's just the principle of the thing. Actually, I'm tired of talking about him. Let's agree to disagree for now, shall we? Would you like to hear more about Scientology?"
Excel felt like she'd done enough staring into the ACROSS-less abyss for a lifetime, so she lied and said, "Sure."
"We're a religion, of course, but more importantly, we're an army. We have manpower, money, and tax-exempt status. We're modern day crusaders."
"If there's anything I've always said, it's that we really ought to reinstate the Crusades," Excel quipped.
"My husband had been friends with L. Ron for years. No accounting for taste, I suppose. And he taught him a great many things about the true nature of our thetans... particularly after he started to investigate the ruins and Doctor Kabapu. The more we learned, the more we realized that these were not the people we wanted ruling our world, and this theory was proven right when we found Xenu. Just think; if not for my poor, foolish husband, your Il Palazzo would still be sleeping the centuries away."
Excel snorted with disbelief, but she listened avidly now that Il Palazzo's name appeared in the narration.
"Now, don't get me wrong; Kabapu is a good man at heart, and perhaps Il Palazzo is, too, underneath the clockwork of insanity that keeps him going. But you know, distrustfulness is an unfortunate characteristic of single mothers, and I can't help but think that deep down, these invader types are all the same. This is our planet now, and it's about time we stood up to them, don't you think?"
"No!"
"My little reluctant protagonist. Did you know that we've been practicing our indoctrination procedures for years, just to prepare for your arrival?"
"Wh... what's that supposed to mean?"
Miwa just kept on beaming. "You worry too much, darling. Finish your dinner, and we can..."
But Excel was already gone, having dashed away at full speed and flung herself over the side of the ship.
* * *
The government workers' lunch was a dismal event, even though Momochi had dipped into the catering budget. They watched the news as empty beer bottles gathered at the end of the table.
"It seems pretty straightforward to me," said Watanabe. "History's just one long line of dictators, if you think about it. Maybe we should try welcoming our ACROSS overlords."
"But Doctor Kabapu is definitely preferable in a 'devil-you-know' sort of way," Misaki pointed out.
"Despite everything, he's a good man," said Momochi, who still seemed distressed over Kabapu's capture.
"And I don't like that Il Palazzo guy, not one bit!" cried Iwata. "Anyway you look at it, he's an evil overlord. And what's with that hair? He looks like a girl!"
"Now now, most people have difficulty adjusting to new things," pointed out Shiouji. "You complained when I upgraded you to Vista, but you're all right now, aren't you?"
You use Vista? Sumiyoshi looked disgusted.
"It came with the new hardware," Shiouji replied with a shrug. "Besides, I only write software for pretty girls."
* * *
It took five men (level OTVIII, which is Scientologist for either "really hella badass" or "really hella rich") to subdue Excel, and only after she'd managed to swim nearly two miles. When they dragged her back onto the deck, Miwa ordered that she be thrown into one of the holding cells and left there. She was growing weary of being nice, and she was entirely sick of Excel. Too much attitude, not enough endowment.
She needed a break, so Miwa slipped into a bikini and stepped out to her private deck to work on her tan and consider her options. She had a lot on her mind these days. Perhaps she should have been honest with her son. Perhaps she should've joined forces with Kabapu, or even Il Palazzo, at that rate. Perhaps she should've ordered a pina colada instead of her appletini. Ah, it was so difficult to be a single mother!
"Miwa~! How are you?"
She sat up in time to reciprocate a hug from Tom Cruise, and she couldn't help but mirror his toothy smile. "Better now that you're here. How's Katie?"
Tom Cruise replied in what would have appeared to a normal person as wild gesticulation, but made perfect sense to a Scientologist. Actually, that's a lie; even Miwa thought he was a little weird. But it was a cute sort of weird, like a puppy that had been dropped onto its head, and she found him quite endearing.
"Have you worked on any interesting movies lately?"
"My newest film is going to explode the world," he said with a completely straight face before laughing and saying, "Come on, Miwa, this isn't about my movies."
"Ah, I suppose you'd like to talk about her, then." Miwa put on her best pout. What she really wanted right now was some kind of escapism. She would have been much happier talking about his love life or movies or his financial advisor Gorlock.
"You're the one I'm worried about. When was the last time you self-audited?"
She pointed to herself in the most innocent "who, me?" gesture she could muster.
"Hey, everybody in the upper levels is concerned about you. We thought you might be able to use some org help. That's what the orgs are here for, after all."
"I've got it under control."
"I wasn't asking."
Miwa was not an easy person to rile, but a tiny burst of anger flared up in the back of her mind. Still, her smile did not flinch, and she said, "I hate to even mention it, but I do still outrank you."
"I know. That's why I talked to David."
Miwa scoffed. "Didn't you know? David answers to me." They referred to David Miscavige, leader of the church. Tenmangu Shiouji, who had been preoccupied with other things at the time of L. Ron Hubbard's death, had granted him this level of power on the condition that it remain secondary to his own and Miwa's.
However, Tom Cruise did not waver. "I don't know anything like that. I know you've been working too hard and deserve a nice, long self-auditing."
"You know what? You're right." Miwa had already returned to a state of total calm. One could not play Il Palazzo and Kabapu's game without staying ten steps ahead, and she was already viewing her own successful future. There was no way Tom Cruise would be able to break that girl, and when their poster boy failed, the church would come crawling back to her. No, it was never too often to show them how valuable she was. "You'd be just perfect for the job, too. Weren't you a samurai in your previous life?"
"The last one," he confirmed.
"I'll let you work your magic, then. If you need me, I'll be in my room."
Miwa basked in her own sense of victory. David Miscavige would be pounding on her door before she knew it.
Chapter 12: Tom Cruise Control
Excel loaded up her plate without reserve. Some people tried to talk to her, but they did it in English, so she ignored them completely. Miwa ushered her off to a private spot, and she began to wolf it all down. Excel did not particularly care to talk to Miwa, but she couldn't entirely help herself, and she ended up asking, "Who are these people, anyway?"
"Can't you tell? These are the chosen ones. Your Knights Templar. The Scientologists."
"Uh-huuuh." Excel scratched her head. "More like a science fiction convention. Except everybody bathes, I guess."
"You could look at it that way! The whole world's a sci-fi convention and you're William Shatner."
"I don't want to be William Shatner!"
Miwa tsked. "That's not what William Shatner would say."
"You know, you and the mustache guy and the mad scientist are all more than happy to abduct me and pontificate at me and feed me and call me Captain Kirk, but not one of you will tell me anything that makes any sense!"
"The doctor showed you quite a lot, didn't he? About Il Palazzo."
"Not really," Excel lied.
"Not really? You've been shutting down every time you get close to the truth. I know very well it's not an Implant that's stopping you. What's so terrible that you'd go to such a length to protect yourself, hmm?"
"I'm not gonna take the bait and ask you what an 'Implant' with a capital 'I' is." Excel threw back a shot of iced tea.
"As any good Scientologists knows, it's something that Xenu - your very own Lord Il Palazzo - put into all of us to keep us from getting too close to the truth. Actually, we made it up to get more money, but I won't bore you to death with the details. I just want to know if you'll be ready to fight him."
Excel slammed a fist into the table, her plastic fork snapping with the force of it. "Who'd be ready for something like that?"
"What more loyalty do you owe that man? He tossed you out like last week's garbage. Or shall I put it another way? Il Palazzo is taking over the world; successfully, for once. Governments are falling like houses of cards. He's not exactly in a position where he has to hold audiences. Do you really think you're just going to be able to waltz in and see him? Do you even know where he is right now?"
Excel channeled her rage into chewing. She had a mouthful of squid and this annoying woman wasn't worth choking over.
"We can get you in to see him. We exist to get you in to see him. This religion has been amassing personnel and resources for twenty years now, all just for you."
"Why?"
"Did Il Palazzo ever tell you why? Did you ever wonder what made you so special?"
Excel could only barely admit it to herself, let alone express the feeling to Miwa under anything less than torture, but she had wondered that very thing. Still, the fact remained that Il Palazzo had chosen her to be his first disciple, and only the most powerful self-esteem issues could stand against the face of that incontrovertible evidence. Besides, the strange memories that she had been shown were not something she could believe in. Not only was she pointedly aware of how much it probably came from her imagination, it was exactly something that would come from her imagination.
And yet, if she did have such a bond with her lord...
"Are you saying that I'm important because I'm important to Lord Il Palazzo?"
Miwa broke into cruel laugher. "Not at all! I'm saying you're not important to Il Palazzo. You're important to a lonely old mustache's nostalgia, and you're important to the people on this ship, but no one is important to Il Palazzo. The sooner your realize that-"
"You're wrong!" Excel interrupted. "Everyone is important to Lord Il Palazzo! Even your poor overstressed lower back can't imagine the weight on his shoulders!"
"Well, how shall I put it, hmm~? Ah, yes. I don't care." Miwa spoke with such sudden force that even Excel was silenced. "I don't care if he wants to save the world or destroy it. I don't care if he's some poor deluded bastard or Xenu himself. It's time to put an end to this."
Lord Il Palazzo had told her that there would be those who would oppose them, and she did her best to take preventative measures against these suppressive people, and yet staring into the face of Miwa, she knew that she had only been chasing shadows until now. She boggled at the kind of madness it would take to reject ACROSS's superior rule. Still, she had to ask. "What do you have against Lord Il Palazzo, anyway?"
Miwa softened instantly, sitting back in her chair as a sly grin returned to her face. "Oh, he's not so bad. It's just the principle of the thing. Actually, I'm tired of talking about him. Let's agree to disagree for now, shall we? Would you like to hear more about Scientology?"
Excel felt like she'd done enough staring into the ACROSS-less abyss for a lifetime, so she lied and said, "Sure."
"We're a religion, of course, but more importantly, we're an army. We have manpower, money, and tax-exempt status. We're modern day crusaders."
"If there's anything I've always said, it's that we really ought to reinstate the Crusades," Excel quipped.
"My husband had been friends with L. Ron for years. No accounting for taste, I suppose. And he taught him a great many things about the true nature of our thetans... particularly after he started to investigate the ruins and Doctor Kabapu. The more we learned, the more we realized that these were not the people we wanted ruling our world, and this theory was proven right when we found Xenu. Just think; if not for my poor, foolish husband, your Il Palazzo would still be sleeping the centuries away."
Excel snorted with disbelief, but she listened avidly now that Il Palazzo's name appeared in the narration.
"Now, don't get me wrong; Kabapu is a good man at heart, and perhaps Il Palazzo is, too, underneath the clockwork of insanity that keeps him going. But you know, distrustfulness is an unfortunate characteristic of single mothers, and I can't help but think that deep down, these invader types are all the same. This is our planet now, and it's about time we stood up to them, don't you think?"
"No!"
"My little reluctant protagonist. Did you know that we've been practicing our indoctrination procedures for years, just to prepare for your arrival?"
"Wh... what's that supposed to mean?"
Miwa just kept on beaming. "You worry too much, darling. Finish your dinner, and we can..."
But Excel was already gone, having dashed away at full speed and flung herself over the side of the ship.
* * *
The government workers' lunch was a dismal event, even though Momochi had dipped into the catering budget. They watched the news as empty beer bottles gathered at the end of the table.
"It seems pretty straightforward to me," said Watanabe. "History's just one long line of dictators, if you think about it. Maybe we should try welcoming our ACROSS overlords."
"But Doctor Kabapu is definitely preferable in a 'devil-you-know' sort of way," Misaki pointed out.
"Despite everything, he's a good man," said Momochi, who still seemed distressed over Kabapu's capture.
"And I don't like that Il Palazzo guy, not one bit!" cried Iwata. "Anyway you look at it, he's an evil overlord. And what's with that hair? He looks like a girl!"
"Now now, most people have difficulty adjusting to new things," pointed out Shiouji. "You complained when I upgraded you to Vista, but you're all right now, aren't you?"
You use Vista? Sumiyoshi looked disgusted.
"It came with the new hardware," Shiouji replied with a shrug. "Besides, I only write software for pretty girls."
* * *
It took five men (level OTVIII, which is Scientologist for either "really hella badass" or "really hella rich") to subdue Excel, and only after she'd managed to swim nearly two miles. When they dragged her back onto the deck, Miwa ordered that she be thrown into one of the holding cells and left there. She was growing weary of being nice, and she was entirely sick of Excel. Too much attitude, not enough endowment.
She needed a break, so Miwa slipped into a bikini and stepped out to her private deck to work on her tan and consider her options. She had a lot on her mind these days. Perhaps she should have been honest with her son. Perhaps she should've joined forces with Kabapu, or even Il Palazzo, at that rate. Perhaps she should've ordered a pina colada instead of her appletini. Ah, it was so difficult to be a single mother!
"Miwa~! How are you?"
She sat up in time to reciprocate a hug from Tom Cruise, and she couldn't help but mirror his toothy smile. "Better now that you're here. How's Katie?"
Tom Cruise replied in what would have appeared to a normal person as wild gesticulation, but made perfect sense to a Scientologist. Actually, that's a lie; even Miwa thought he was a little weird. But it was a cute sort of weird, like a puppy that had been dropped onto its head, and she found him quite endearing.
"Have you worked on any interesting movies lately?"
"My newest film is going to explode the world," he said with a completely straight face before laughing and saying, "Come on, Miwa, this isn't about my movies."
"Ah, I suppose you'd like to talk about her, then." Miwa put on her best pout. What she really wanted right now was some kind of escapism. She would have been much happier talking about his love life or movies or his financial advisor Gorlock.
"You're the one I'm worried about. When was the last time you self-audited?"
She pointed to herself in the most innocent "who, me?" gesture she could muster.
"Hey, everybody in the upper levels is concerned about you. We thought you might be able to use some org help. That's what the orgs are here for, after all."
"I've got it under control."
"I wasn't asking."
Miwa was not an easy person to rile, but a tiny burst of anger flared up in the back of her mind. Still, her smile did not flinch, and she said, "I hate to even mention it, but I do still outrank you."
"I know. That's why I talked to David."
Miwa scoffed. "Didn't you know? David answers to me." They referred to David Miscavige, leader of the church. Tenmangu Shiouji, who had been preoccupied with other things at the time of L. Ron Hubbard's death, had granted him this level of power on the condition that it remain secondary to his own and Miwa's.
However, Tom Cruise did not waver. "I don't know anything like that. I know you've been working too hard and deserve a nice, long self-auditing."
"You know what? You're right." Miwa had already returned to a state of total calm. One could not play Il Palazzo and Kabapu's game without staying ten steps ahead, and she was already viewing her own successful future. There was no way Tom Cruise would be able to break that girl, and when their poster boy failed, the church would come crawling back to her. No, it was never too often to show them how valuable she was. "You'd be just perfect for the job, too. Weren't you a samurai in your previous life?"
"The last one," he confirmed.
"I'll let you work your magic, then. If you need me, I'll be in my room."
Miwa basked in her own sense of victory. David Miscavige would be pounding on her door before she knew it.