Dianetics Another Day -13
Dianetics Another Day
Chapter 13: Mission Unpossible
Excel scrutinized the little room they'd thrown her into, plotting her escape. There weren't any loose floorboards or ceiling panels, but she had the feeling she could change that with a little concentrated effort. She regretted that she did not have the Thetanator, and then regretted regretting it. When the door opened, she was hefting a chair atop a small table.
It was Tom Cruise. She remembered seeing bits of one of his movies while working in a movie theater, but had never thought much of them or him. She inflicted a terrible chair attack upon him, but it collided with an invisible shield around the actor. Excel backed away by sheer instinct, which might have worked out had she not been standing on a table. She lost her footing and crashed into the floor. When she was completely sure of which direction was up, and had redirected her cognitive capacity to wiping the blood out of in her eyes, she saw that he was extending his hand.
Perhaps it was the much-needed display of kindness. Perhaps it was the superiority of his thetans, and the fact that when he passed a car crash, he was the only one who could truly help. Perhaps she was simply too dazed to argue.
Whatever the reason, Excel befriended Tom Cruise that day.
* * *
They were banging on Miwa's door. She turned off her 3 Stooges marathon and opened the door. "Hello~?"
She'd expected one or two Scientologists, but a small group hung outside of her door, and it was led by Excel.
"That's the one!" Excel cried, pointing like a first-class defense attorney. "Xenu's agent!"
Tom Cruise's stare was almost sympathetic. "She says you're Xenu's agent," he translated.
Miwa sighed. "I know what she said. What's going on here?"
"I just told them what a crazy person you are," Excel replied happily. "It seems like you did a good job lettin' everybody know how much of a savior I am, too, 'cause they all sure believe me!"
"She says--"
"I know what she said! Have all of you gone mad? I founded this religion, after all."
"LRH founded this religion!" called out one of the Scientologists.
"There isn't even an OT16!" piped up another.
"If you're such a dedicated Scientologist, then why's your son a muggle?" cried a third, using the proper Scientology term for one not inducted into the cult. The whole crowd soon burst into questions and accusations.
"Be quiet," ordered Miwa, not shouting, but with the voice of an irritated mother, and the Scientologists obeyed. "Now," she went on, "I'm a little disappointed on how gullible the lot of you seem to be." If not surprised, she did not add. "But if there are any doubts as to my sincerity or allegience, any one of you is more than welcome to challenge me to Thetan Combat. Why, if my engrams are correct, a number of you have already done so and lost pitifully." She flicked her eyes from person to person. They knew who they were.
Tom Cruise tsked. "That doesn't make your righteous, Miwa. It only makes you strong, and I doubt you'd be able to take us all on at once."
Miwa glanced over the crowd. She could take them all at once, of this she was certain, but not with Excel in the mix. "I don't see why all of you are making such a fuss. This is all just a misunderstanding. I'm happy to help Miss Excel in any way I can," she said, turning her best doe eyes onto the girl.
"You said you could take me to see Lord Il Palazzo. I want that. And I want to know everything you think you know about him, too!"
"Of course I'll tell you anything you want... but do you really want to hear it in front of all these people?
Excel twitched, but said nothing.
"Actually, I found something else which might be of interest to you. Come on in and I'd be happy to show you. Tom can come too, though I don't know if we could fit many more in my little room..."
She could see the way Excel looked at Tom Cruise; a deep mistrust and utter reluctance to trust him with her well-being. Tom Cruise looked at Excel and said, "I'll protect you," in perfect samurai Japanese.
Once they were inside her room, Miwa set up her laptop and patted the bed that Excel might sit beside her. Excel declined.
"I found this on YouTube an hour or two ago," she said. "I think you'll like it."
The video, titled simply "Hobos March Fukuoka," proved interesting indeed. In it, a swarm of homeless crowded downtown Fukuoka, brandishing wine bottles and nail-bats, and at their center, riding a shopping cart like a homecoming float, was Elgala.
"ACROSS is a lie!" she shouted. "I, Elgala, once belonged to that organization, but I quit when I discovered its infiltration by alien robot pod people! Listen, Fukuokan masses! We must stand together against ACROSS!"
Excel's face was pressed against the screen.
"Don't do that," Miwa chided. "You'll give yourself laser eye surgery."
"Take me back!" she cried. "Tom Cruise! You want me to be your savior or whatever? Then take me back to Fukuoka! Now!"
"Is she a friend of yours?" he asked.
"No!" Excel snapped. "That's Elgala, and we have to stop her!"
* * *
Kabapu had been afforded a comfortable (if small) prison cell, with nice furniture, a beautiful bay window overlooking a long, long drop, and even a box of fine cigars provided. It was not quite as classy as the hotels Kabapu was used to, but then, he was a prisoner of war. He railed out a bit against Excel when she came for him, but her robotic indifference quelled his rebellion quickly, and he followed her to Il Palazzo's throne room.
"It's been a long time," Il Palazzo said. "Are you quite well?"
"I've been better," Kabapu replied grumpily.
"Ah, I suppose so. Even I did not expect my victory to come so quickly and completely."
Kabapu wanted to argue with him, to call him the liar and cheat that he was, but Il Palazzo was right; he had won, undeniably. Kabapu could feel his mustache started to droop. "You've beaten me," he said, "but there's no way the world will accept a pretty boy like you as its ruler.
Il Palazzo laughed. "I don't see as they have much choice. Ms. Excel, what is our current status?"
"All major countries are showing compliance, and we have been given complete access to their resources and organizations."
"It's remarkable," said Il Palazzo, "how quickly your fellow government officials were eager to turn on you. It's thanks to their disloyalty that you arrived here so expediently."
"Why are you doing this?" Kabapu cried. "What do you have left to prove? You and I are the only ones who remember what happened all that time ago..."
"You're wrong, of course. And you were wrong about another thing. I wonder... if you had believed me all those years ago, when I told you that I was innocent of that regretful event that caused the birth of this corrupt planet, would we be here today?"
Kabapu frowned. "I did believe you, at first. Back then, I never would have thought you could be a cruel man..."
"It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care what you thought of me. It no longer matters what I did or what I did not do, the tragedies I could or could not have prevented... over the years, I came to understand that there are times when such decisions much be made. And in the end, I am the man who can create or destroy the world."
* * *
Hair dyed black, hat, baggy clothes, and sunglasses: Excel was in disguise. As Miwa had delightedly told her while brandishing the dye, her face was currently the msot well-known and disliked in the world.
"Worse than Hitler," she'd said.
Excel insisted on leaving the Freewinds alone, not because it was a good idea in any way, but because she was getting tired of all the Scientologists staring at her. She was finding it difficult to shove through the crowd, but at least no one noticed her. Elgala's self-styled army was growing in numbers almost exponentially as office workers, fast-food peons, and bored 2channers joined the ranks. (The thought that these people had all gathered to fight against Il Palazzo disturbed her too deeply for her to truly handle, and she set it aside to a dark area of her mind where it could be completely ignored.)
When she finally hunted down Elgala, she found the self-styled leader of la revolution giving an interview to a news reporter.
"It used to be a much better organization, you understand. Very covert, very hush-hush. We blew up some buildings a while back, maybe you noticed that? A bridge, too! Oh, the nostalgia~"
Now, Excel truly had intended to remain as low-key as possible, but upon seeing this disgraceful display of blasphemy, she could not control herself. She leapt into Elgala's arms with a spinning butterfly kick.
"SEN--" El began, and ended with a crash.
"What do you think you're doing, you blasphemous wench!? How many secrets have you..." Excel became immediately aware of a camera now focused on her, and lights, and a reporter now shoving a microphone in her face. "...er."
* * *
"You're starting to pick up a god complex," said Kabapu. "My employees will come--"
Il Palazzo laughed. It was not his normal, mirthless laugh, but a laugh of pure joy, and it overtook him so completely that Kabapu began to sulk.
"...oh, come on."
"Sorry, sorry." Il Palazzo covered his face apologetically, though his shoulders were still shaking with suppressed chortles. "You've just said something exceptionally funny. Really, Zeex, what dark basement did you dive into to find those people?"
"They have the spirit of justice in their hearts!" Kabapu argued, though even he knew it wasn't necessarily or strictly true.
"There is a rebellion brewing in Fukuoka," said Excel, and both men turned to her in surprise.
"You see?" Kabapu puffed his chest out. "My men (and women) are already on the task!"
"Actually, ACROSS's former members appear to be leading the charge. Let me pull up a screen."
They watched the ongoing news report, as a slightly off-pallet Excel panicked and sputtered and tried to pull Elgala away from the cameras. Il Palazzo stared with a clouded expression.
"Your own members have turned against you," Kabapu said, though with slightly less triumph than before. "Not just your own members; your own Excel!"
Il Palazzo's eyes did not budge from the picture on the screen. He said, with controlled calmness, "I see. This insurgence had best be quelled. Ms. Excel, please arm the photon torpedoes."
"Yes sir."
"Photon torpedoes?" Kabapu asked, albeit with more incredulity than shock. "What are you doing?"
"Making an example."
"Wait! You don't have to repeat the mistakes of the past! What sort of way is this to treat the woman who loved--"
"Ms. Excel. Please return our guest to his quarters."
* * *
Excel backed away from the news reporter, but there was no escaping. People were everywhere. Everyone saw her. Everyone could see through her. She could feel their eyes, like a bright light in the sky.
"Huh," she said. "That's sure a bright light in the sky."
It was eclipsed almost immediately, by the Freewinds soaring above, and Tom Cruise dangling before them on a ladder.
"What's going on?" Elgala cried. "I, Elgala, am confused and apprehensive at this exceedingly epic scene!"
But Tom Cruise was not there to add to anything resembling clarity, being Tom Cruise and whatnot. He held out his hand to Excel once more.
"Come with me if you want to live!"
(He's using the wrong lines,) thought Elgala, as Tom pulled them up onto the ladder. (And yet I, Elgala, am feeling highly seduced right now.)
Excel hit her, and they rose above the city just in time to watch Fukuoka go up in flames.
Chapter 13: Mission Unpossible
Excel scrutinized the little room they'd thrown her into, plotting her escape. There weren't any loose floorboards or ceiling panels, but she had the feeling she could change that with a little concentrated effort. She regretted that she did not have the Thetanator, and then regretted regretting it. When the door opened, she was hefting a chair atop a small table.
It was Tom Cruise. She remembered seeing bits of one of his movies while working in a movie theater, but had never thought much of them or him. She inflicted a terrible chair attack upon him, but it collided with an invisible shield around the actor. Excel backed away by sheer instinct, which might have worked out had she not been standing on a table. She lost her footing and crashed into the floor. When she was completely sure of which direction was up, and had redirected her cognitive capacity to wiping the blood out of in her eyes, she saw that he was extending his hand.
Perhaps it was the much-needed display of kindness. Perhaps it was the superiority of his thetans, and the fact that when he passed a car crash, he was the only one who could truly help. Perhaps she was simply too dazed to argue.
Whatever the reason, Excel befriended Tom Cruise that day.
* * *
They were banging on Miwa's door. She turned off her 3 Stooges marathon and opened the door. "Hello~?"
She'd expected one or two Scientologists, but a small group hung outside of her door, and it was led by Excel.
"That's the one!" Excel cried, pointing like a first-class defense attorney. "Xenu's agent!"
Tom Cruise's stare was almost sympathetic. "She says you're Xenu's agent," he translated.
Miwa sighed. "I know what she said. What's going on here?"
"I just told them what a crazy person you are," Excel replied happily. "It seems like you did a good job lettin' everybody know how much of a savior I am, too, 'cause they all sure believe me!"
"She says--"
"I know what she said! Have all of you gone mad? I founded this religion, after all."
"LRH founded this religion!" called out one of the Scientologists.
"There isn't even an OT16!" piped up another.
"If you're such a dedicated Scientologist, then why's your son a muggle?" cried a third, using the proper Scientology term for one not inducted into the cult. The whole crowd soon burst into questions and accusations.
"Be quiet," ordered Miwa, not shouting, but with the voice of an irritated mother, and the Scientologists obeyed. "Now," she went on, "I'm a little disappointed on how gullible the lot of you seem to be." If not surprised, she did not add. "But if there are any doubts as to my sincerity or allegience, any one of you is more than welcome to challenge me to Thetan Combat. Why, if my engrams are correct, a number of you have already done so and lost pitifully." She flicked her eyes from person to person. They knew who they were.
Tom Cruise tsked. "That doesn't make your righteous, Miwa. It only makes you strong, and I doubt you'd be able to take us all on at once."
Miwa glanced over the crowd. She could take them all at once, of this she was certain, but not with Excel in the mix. "I don't see why all of you are making such a fuss. This is all just a misunderstanding. I'm happy to help Miss Excel in any way I can," she said, turning her best doe eyes onto the girl.
"You said you could take me to see Lord Il Palazzo. I want that. And I want to know everything you think you know about him, too!"
"Of course I'll tell you anything you want... but do you really want to hear it in front of all these people?
Excel twitched, but said nothing.
"Actually, I found something else which might be of interest to you. Come on in and I'd be happy to show you. Tom can come too, though I don't know if we could fit many more in my little room..."
She could see the way Excel looked at Tom Cruise; a deep mistrust and utter reluctance to trust him with her well-being. Tom Cruise looked at Excel and said, "I'll protect you," in perfect samurai Japanese.
Once they were inside her room, Miwa set up her laptop and patted the bed that Excel might sit beside her. Excel declined.
"I found this on YouTube an hour or two ago," she said. "I think you'll like it."
The video, titled simply "Hobos March Fukuoka," proved interesting indeed. In it, a swarm of homeless crowded downtown Fukuoka, brandishing wine bottles and nail-bats, and at their center, riding a shopping cart like a homecoming float, was Elgala.
"ACROSS is a lie!" she shouted. "I, Elgala, once belonged to that organization, but I quit when I discovered its infiltration by alien robot pod people! Listen, Fukuokan masses! We must stand together against ACROSS!"
Excel's face was pressed against the screen.
"Don't do that," Miwa chided. "You'll give yourself laser eye surgery."
"Take me back!" she cried. "Tom Cruise! You want me to be your savior or whatever? Then take me back to Fukuoka! Now!"
"Is she a friend of yours?" he asked.
"No!" Excel snapped. "That's Elgala, and we have to stop her!"
* * *
Kabapu had been afforded a comfortable (if small) prison cell, with nice furniture, a beautiful bay window overlooking a long, long drop, and even a box of fine cigars provided. It was not quite as classy as the hotels Kabapu was used to, but then, he was a prisoner of war. He railed out a bit against Excel when she came for him, but her robotic indifference quelled his rebellion quickly, and he followed her to Il Palazzo's throne room.
"It's been a long time," Il Palazzo said. "Are you quite well?"
"I've been better," Kabapu replied grumpily.
"Ah, I suppose so. Even I did not expect my victory to come so quickly and completely."
Kabapu wanted to argue with him, to call him the liar and cheat that he was, but Il Palazzo was right; he had won, undeniably. Kabapu could feel his mustache started to droop. "You've beaten me," he said, "but there's no way the world will accept a pretty boy like you as its ruler.
Il Palazzo laughed. "I don't see as they have much choice. Ms. Excel, what is our current status?"
"All major countries are showing compliance, and we have been given complete access to their resources and organizations."
"It's remarkable," said Il Palazzo, "how quickly your fellow government officials were eager to turn on you. It's thanks to their disloyalty that you arrived here so expediently."
"Why are you doing this?" Kabapu cried. "What do you have left to prove? You and I are the only ones who remember what happened all that time ago..."
"You're wrong, of course. And you were wrong about another thing. I wonder... if you had believed me all those years ago, when I told you that I was innocent of that regretful event that caused the birth of this corrupt planet, would we be here today?"
Kabapu frowned. "I did believe you, at first. Back then, I never would have thought you could be a cruel man..."
"It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care what you thought of me. It no longer matters what I did or what I did not do, the tragedies I could or could not have prevented... over the years, I came to understand that there are times when such decisions much be made. And in the end, I am the man who can create or destroy the world."
* * *
Hair dyed black, hat, baggy clothes, and sunglasses: Excel was in disguise. As Miwa had delightedly told her while brandishing the dye, her face was currently the msot well-known and disliked in the world.
"Worse than Hitler," she'd said.
Excel insisted on leaving the Freewinds alone, not because it was a good idea in any way, but because she was getting tired of all the Scientologists staring at her. She was finding it difficult to shove through the crowd, but at least no one noticed her. Elgala's self-styled army was growing in numbers almost exponentially as office workers, fast-food peons, and bored 2channers joined the ranks. (The thought that these people had all gathered to fight against Il Palazzo disturbed her too deeply for her to truly handle, and she set it aside to a dark area of her mind where it could be completely ignored.)
When she finally hunted down Elgala, she found the self-styled leader of la revolution giving an interview to a news reporter.
"It used to be a much better organization, you understand. Very covert, very hush-hush. We blew up some buildings a while back, maybe you noticed that? A bridge, too! Oh, the nostalgia~"
Now, Excel truly had intended to remain as low-key as possible, but upon seeing this disgraceful display of blasphemy, she could not control herself. She leapt into Elgala's arms with a spinning butterfly kick.
"SEN--" El began, and ended with a crash.
"What do you think you're doing, you blasphemous wench!? How many secrets have you..." Excel became immediately aware of a camera now focused on her, and lights, and a reporter now shoving a microphone in her face. "...er."
* * *
"You're starting to pick up a god complex," said Kabapu. "My employees will come--"
Il Palazzo laughed. It was not his normal, mirthless laugh, but a laugh of pure joy, and it overtook him so completely that Kabapu began to sulk.
"...oh, come on."
"Sorry, sorry." Il Palazzo covered his face apologetically, though his shoulders were still shaking with suppressed chortles. "You've just said something exceptionally funny. Really, Zeex, what dark basement did you dive into to find those people?"
"They have the spirit of justice in their hearts!" Kabapu argued, though even he knew it wasn't necessarily or strictly true.
"There is a rebellion brewing in Fukuoka," said Excel, and both men turned to her in surprise.
"You see?" Kabapu puffed his chest out. "My men (and women) are already on the task!"
"Actually, ACROSS's former members appear to be leading the charge. Let me pull up a screen."
They watched the ongoing news report, as a slightly off-pallet Excel panicked and sputtered and tried to pull Elgala away from the cameras. Il Palazzo stared with a clouded expression.
"Your own members have turned against you," Kabapu said, though with slightly less triumph than before. "Not just your own members; your own Excel!"
Il Palazzo's eyes did not budge from the picture on the screen. He said, with controlled calmness, "I see. This insurgence had best be quelled. Ms. Excel, please arm the photon torpedoes."
"Yes sir."
"Photon torpedoes?" Kabapu asked, albeit with more incredulity than shock. "What are you doing?"
"Making an example."
"Wait! You don't have to repeat the mistakes of the past! What sort of way is this to treat the woman who loved--"
"Ms. Excel. Please return our guest to his quarters."
* * *
Excel backed away from the news reporter, but there was no escaping. People were everywhere. Everyone saw her. Everyone could see through her. She could feel their eyes, like a bright light in the sky.
"Huh," she said. "That's sure a bright light in the sky."
It was eclipsed almost immediately, by the Freewinds soaring above, and Tom Cruise dangling before them on a ladder.
"What's going on?" Elgala cried. "I, Elgala, am confused and apprehensive at this exceedingly epic scene!"
But Tom Cruise was not there to add to anything resembling clarity, being Tom Cruise and whatnot. He held out his hand to Excel once more.
"Come with me if you want to live!"
(He's using the wrong lines,) thought Elgala, as Tom pulled them up onto the ladder. (And yet I, Elgala, am feeling highly seduced right now.)
Excel hit her, and they rose above the city just in time to watch Fukuoka go up in flames.