Feedback , please.
I’m not going to post my essay, because first of all its not quit written yet, second of all I feel a bit sketchy about just putting it out there. But here is my idea, and hopefully I could get some feedback.
I went on a trip with my youth movement to Eastern Europe and Israel the summer after my sophomore year. In Eastern Europe we visited ghettos and concentration camps in Hungary, Poland and the Czech Republic. We learned about our heritage, and the struggles of our ancestors, as a group. We had ceremonies in the camps, and one on a hill where our youth movement's headquarters had existed during the Warsaw ghetto uprising. After exploring Europe, we went to Israel where we learned about what happened after the Holocaust, and what had become of our people. We learned the ups and downs of living in a Jewish state, and the process of peace with the Palestinian people. The trip wasn’t just about history though, it was about friendships, and bonding with 80 kids who are now my closest friends because I have shared SO MUCH with them.
Overall the trip was one of the most fulfilling and meaningful experiences of my life, but I am not sure how to turn it into an essay without being fake, and corny. I want it to evoke emotions, but I don't want it to sound like that’s what I am trying to do. High school teachers have given me “A”s on this essay, but I always felt like they were really corny and not very meaningful, like they only gave me “A”s because I was writing about the Holocaust and how could they fail the Holocaust. So do you have any suggestions on how I should approach this?
(x-posted to college_essays)
I went on a trip with my youth movement to Eastern Europe and Israel the summer after my sophomore year. In Eastern Europe we visited ghettos and concentration camps in Hungary, Poland and the Czech Republic. We learned about our heritage, and the struggles of our ancestors, as a group. We had ceremonies in the camps, and one on a hill where our youth movement's headquarters had existed during the Warsaw ghetto uprising. After exploring Europe, we went to Israel where we learned about what happened after the Holocaust, and what had become of our people. We learned the ups and downs of living in a Jewish state, and the process of peace with the Palestinian people. The trip wasn’t just about history though, it was about friendships, and bonding with 80 kids who are now my closest friends because I have shared SO MUCH with them.
Overall the trip was one of the most fulfilling and meaningful experiences of my life, but I am not sure how to turn it into an essay without being fake, and corny. I want it to evoke emotions, but I don't want it to sound like that’s what I am trying to do. High school teachers have given me “A”s on this essay, but I always felt like they were really corny and not very meaningful, like they only gave me “A”s because I was writing about the Holocaust and how could they fail the Holocaust. So do you have any suggestions on how I should approach this?
(x-posted to college_essays)