too quiet to be a cry for help
this might end up being long. if you want our relationship to stay superficial- skip this...
cause im thinking its going to be pretty open and honest.
so this has been a really long spring break so far. and as much as ive loathed it, i feel like in the long run it will be good for me. why have i hated it? because i have scarcely spent any time in the company of others, and in my mind- phoenix was my best chance as far as social interaction goes. since ive been in flagstaff ive essentially been reduced to a hermit. i sit in my room by myself all the time doing as close to nothing as is humanly possible. most weekends when i come down to phoenix to visit, its a breath of fresh air. people call me up to hang out, or i call them and they actually want to. but this week has been different.
i have spent time with several people that i care very much about- namely kristy, jake, sean, brandon and chad. i have enjoyed and been blessed by the time i have spent with each of these people. each of them- in their own way- has contributed in a very positive way to my struggling sense of self-worth. they have made me feel very wanted, and important. and for that- i can never thank any of them enough. but at the same time, something is definitely missing.
i feel like im still reeling from the loss of my best friend. devin moved i dont even know how long ago, well over a year... maybe two by now. devin was a person i could call and talk to about anything. he was a person i could count on for anything... and everything. and i knew that without him having to tell me that, or even prove it to me. he was and is the person by which i unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) judge all my relationships since then. he and i could spend days together and not be bored of each other, we had similar interests so that we could just do what we would otherwise be doing on our own... but we could do it with the comfort of a friend close by. since he moved to north carolina, i have not felt anything like that since. i say this not to belittle or diminish the importance of the relationships i have now. they are ALL so important to me, and my life would scarcely be the same without any one of them. but i would be lying if i said that any of my relationships now approached that one as far as intimacy. some of the relationships i have now- i think COULD be as intimate- but for the problems of distance or time. one of my closest friends lives very far away, which means that entire element of 'closeness', doing things together is virtually impossible. some of my other friends lead very busy lives that require them to work constantly, which leaves little time for social lives. and i understand all of this. but it doesnt make me yearn any less for a best friend.
at this point i feel like ive spent a lot of time talking about the cause of my problems and not yet touched on the problems themselves. i have serious doubts that my problems are anything of any significance, or that they are out of the ordinary in the least. but to be honest- that doesnt make them hurt any less. so heres how it is... im lonely almost all of the time. i very rarely feel like i, or the life i lead- hold any significance to anyone- least of all to me. i regularly have dreams that i have fallen down a flight of stairs and been confined to a wheelchair. and i dont think the dream is a prediction of the future so much as it is an illustration of what has already happened. i feel (almost certainly unfairly) that i spend my life lying in a hospital bed- not sure how much longer im going to live- and scared to death because no one seems concerned enough to come and visit me. believe me- i know that any of you taking the time to read this think that notion ridiculous. and SO DO I. but just knowing its ridiculous doesnt make it go away. when i was younger and i was scared that there was something in the dark, someone just telling me that it wasnt there was NOT enough. i needed someone to come and turn the lights on for me and SHOW me that there was nothing to be afraid of.
and i guess thats where i am now. im scared that theres something under my bed and i need someone with a flashlight to prove me wrong.
there are other things weighing on me, that for your and my sake i wont go into detail about. but to make sure im getting pretty much everything out in the open... my dad owns his own business. on sunday- at the age of 46- he found out that he had just lost two thirds of his business, and would be unable to keep the business going. he's going to have to take an entry level job somewhere because he never finished high school, much less college.
my sister is 29 and she has 4 kids. the oldest is 10 years old. she used to do a lot of drugs and other illegal, and harmful things, but she really cleaned up her act when her first son was born. (by the way, her son, A.J., is a dwarf- who fell off a bed and broke his neck at the age of 4- who has been unable to walk since then.) her boyfriend- who used to hit her- and her finally seperated not too long ago, but now shes started doing drugs again.
my mom is 50 and i dont think she likes her life at all. she and my dad dont get along very well, she has to worry about my sisters problems, and she has a very high stress job. i feel like its all i can do to just not add to the stress for her.
so i think that about covers it. if you read all this- you know me as well as you probably can. you'll probably notice i didnt mention God anywhere in this, because thats the one area of my life where i feel secure- if not adequate.
i dont know why im posting this, except that i dont know what else to do.
cause im thinking its going to be pretty open and honest.
so this has been a really long spring break so far. and as much as ive loathed it, i feel like in the long run it will be good for me. why have i hated it? because i have scarcely spent any time in the company of others, and in my mind- phoenix was my best chance as far as social interaction goes. since ive been in flagstaff ive essentially been reduced to a hermit. i sit in my room by myself all the time doing as close to nothing as is humanly possible. most weekends when i come down to phoenix to visit, its a breath of fresh air. people call me up to hang out, or i call them and they actually want to. but this week has been different.
i have spent time with several people that i care very much about- namely kristy, jake, sean, brandon and chad. i have enjoyed and been blessed by the time i have spent with each of these people. each of them- in their own way- has contributed in a very positive way to my struggling sense of self-worth. they have made me feel very wanted, and important. and for that- i can never thank any of them enough. but at the same time, something is definitely missing.
i feel like im still reeling from the loss of my best friend. devin moved i dont even know how long ago, well over a year... maybe two by now. devin was a person i could call and talk to about anything. he was a person i could count on for anything... and everything. and i knew that without him having to tell me that, or even prove it to me. he was and is the person by which i unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) judge all my relationships since then. he and i could spend days together and not be bored of each other, we had similar interests so that we could just do what we would otherwise be doing on our own... but we could do it with the comfort of a friend close by. since he moved to north carolina, i have not felt anything like that since. i say this not to belittle or diminish the importance of the relationships i have now. they are ALL so important to me, and my life would scarcely be the same without any one of them. but i would be lying if i said that any of my relationships now approached that one as far as intimacy. some of the relationships i have now- i think COULD be as intimate- but for the problems of distance or time. one of my closest friends lives very far away, which means that entire element of 'closeness', doing things together is virtually impossible. some of my other friends lead very busy lives that require them to work constantly, which leaves little time for social lives. and i understand all of this. but it doesnt make me yearn any less for a best friend.
at this point i feel like ive spent a lot of time talking about the cause of my problems and not yet touched on the problems themselves. i have serious doubts that my problems are anything of any significance, or that they are out of the ordinary in the least. but to be honest- that doesnt make them hurt any less. so heres how it is... im lonely almost all of the time. i very rarely feel like i, or the life i lead- hold any significance to anyone- least of all to me. i regularly have dreams that i have fallen down a flight of stairs and been confined to a wheelchair. and i dont think the dream is a prediction of the future so much as it is an illustration of what has already happened. i feel (almost certainly unfairly) that i spend my life lying in a hospital bed- not sure how much longer im going to live- and scared to death because no one seems concerned enough to come and visit me. believe me- i know that any of you taking the time to read this think that notion ridiculous. and SO DO I. but just knowing its ridiculous doesnt make it go away. when i was younger and i was scared that there was something in the dark, someone just telling me that it wasnt there was NOT enough. i needed someone to come and turn the lights on for me and SHOW me that there was nothing to be afraid of.
and i guess thats where i am now. im scared that theres something under my bed and i need someone with a flashlight to prove me wrong.
there are other things weighing on me, that for your and my sake i wont go into detail about. but to make sure im getting pretty much everything out in the open... my dad owns his own business. on sunday- at the age of 46- he found out that he had just lost two thirds of his business, and would be unable to keep the business going. he's going to have to take an entry level job somewhere because he never finished high school, much less college.
my sister is 29 and she has 4 kids. the oldest is 10 years old. she used to do a lot of drugs and other illegal, and harmful things, but she really cleaned up her act when her first son was born. (by the way, her son, A.J., is a dwarf- who fell off a bed and broke his neck at the age of 4- who has been unable to walk since then.) her boyfriend- who used to hit her- and her finally seperated not too long ago, but now shes started doing drugs again.
my mom is 50 and i dont think she likes her life at all. she and my dad dont get along very well, she has to worry about my sisters problems, and she has a very high stress job. i feel like its all i can do to just not add to the stress for her.
so i think that about covers it. if you read all this- you know me as well as you probably can. you'll probably notice i didnt mention God anywhere in this, because thats the one area of my life where i feel secure- if not adequate.
i dont know why im posting this, except that i dont know what else to do.