Sweet, passive-aggressive LJ. How I miss thee.
Uh, nobody wants to be reading this. Keep right on scrolling...
I figure I haven't done the passive-aggressive LJ angst rant thing for a while now. I'm sure I've still got some of my quota left to use up. And I never lock entries. Ever (yet). And it's your own damned fault if you clicked the cut.
Right.
So there's like this thing, right, where I'm probably losing touch with a lot of people who I (still) regard as friends, losing that ease of interaction with people (you know who you are), and feeling really kind of isolated. I mean, it's probably just that everyone's busy now, what with full time jobs and other unis and stuff, but still. I feel like I've lost - not friends, but a friendship group. It's like there's nothing to do to see people, and when there is, I can't quite bring myself to do it. Like, even call people, or answer a stupid email. I suck. Stupid avoidant personality.
And it's not that I want to avoid people, but it's to the stage where I'm not even really leaving the house that often (except to go walking or whatever), and not seeing anybody that I want to, and feeling really rather cabin-fever-ish. Of course, it doesn't help that teh mother is a teacher and is currently on holidays and is home every bloody minute of the day and yes I'm sacrificing independence for the possibility of skipping the country next year, but still... But the panic attacks are fun, oh yes, and they break up the tedium nicely. :/
But you know what bothers me most is that things have become kind of... distant with a couple of my closest friends (again, you know who you are), and I figure the problem really must be on my side of things. Because it's not just one friendship, you know. It's several, and they're not friendships (or people) that I take lightly. It's kind of upsetting, because I like my friends. I don't want to be doing this.
So, basically, yeah. Sucks.
And I can't help but think that it would be a little better if I didn't have the constant spectre of uni hanging over my head. A chapter every 5 weeks doesn't sound like much, but it's so constant, and I feel like I don't have any time that I can spend on anything without feeling guilty, but then I go and spend ages drawing or writing or reading LJ, and then feel horrible about it. And the thesis is really not turning out as well as I'd hoped and it's boring to work on, and I've decided that I'm really not particularly into this sort of level of analysis where it's suddenly no longer literature but philosophy, and I just couldn't care less about any of it. And my lecturer for next semester is apparently really mean, and I don't want to do that subject anymore because I have enough anxiety about keeping up with this level of uni thank you very much, and don't need any more.
And my computer's broken and they've had it for a week and a half and don't know what's wrong, and I want it back all my music/pr0n/uni work/EVERYTHING is on there give it back to me now!!!
*sigh*
So yeah. I just wanted to say to my whole flist (even if you didn't click the cut and can't read this): Thank-you for existing (and posting more often than I do) and I'm sorry. I'll probably be back properly soon. *hugs*
There. Next?
I figure I haven't done the passive-aggressive LJ angst rant thing for a while now. I'm sure I've still got some of my quota left to use up. And I never lock entries. Ever (yet). And it's your own damned fault if you clicked the cut.
Right.
So there's like this thing, right, where I'm probably losing touch with a lot of people who I (still) regard as friends, losing that ease of interaction with people (you know who you are), and feeling really kind of isolated. I mean, it's probably just that everyone's busy now, what with full time jobs and other unis and stuff, but still. I feel like I've lost - not friends, but a friendship group. It's like there's nothing to do to see people, and when there is, I can't quite bring myself to do it. Like, even call people, or answer a stupid email. I suck. Stupid avoidant personality.
And it's not that I want to avoid people, but it's to the stage where I'm not even really leaving the house that often (except to go walking or whatever), and not seeing anybody that I want to, and feeling really rather cabin-fever-ish. Of course, it doesn't help that teh mother is a teacher and is currently on holidays and is home every bloody minute of the day and yes I'm sacrificing independence for the possibility of skipping the country next year, but still... But the panic attacks are fun, oh yes, and they break up the tedium nicely. :/
But you know what bothers me most is that things have become kind of... distant with a couple of my closest friends (again, you know who you are), and I figure the problem really must be on my side of things. Because it's not just one friendship, you know. It's several, and they're not friendships (or people) that I take lightly. It's kind of upsetting, because I like my friends. I don't want to be doing this.
So, basically, yeah. Sucks.
And I can't help but think that it would be a little better if I didn't have the constant spectre of uni hanging over my head. A chapter every 5 weeks doesn't sound like much, but it's so constant, and I feel like I don't have any time that I can spend on anything without feeling guilty, but then I go and spend ages drawing or writing or reading LJ, and then feel horrible about it. And the thesis is really not turning out as well as I'd hoped and it's boring to work on, and I've decided that I'm really not particularly into this sort of level of analysis where it's suddenly no longer literature but philosophy, and I just couldn't care less about any of it. And my lecturer for next semester is apparently really mean, and I don't want to do that subject anymore because I have enough anxiety about keeping up with this level of uni thank you very much, and don't need any more.
And my computer's broken and they've had it for a week and a half and don't know what's wrong, and I want it back all my music/pr0n/uni work/EVERYTHING is on there give it back to me now!!!
*sigh*
So yeah. I just wanted to say to my whole flist (even if you didn't click the cut and can't read this): Thank-you for existing (and posting more often than I do) and I'm sorry. I'll probably be back properly soon. *hugs*
There. Next?