Pretty much.
there comes a time when
each horizon has eyes like
city skylines
where buldings grow leaves
and trees loom stories high
like nature's misbegotten children
all mixed up and
curious
and it's midnight in boston now
i've been travelling for days
hours
how many years before brought me here
sitting softly on south station's floor
and now i wonder
is this how it is to be alone?
i've wandered for years
and fears have fallen through
lovers and love lost like
kings fallen like
lovers long gone to
fears enraged like thieves of kings
and the thing is
i always knew i was to be alone
like fire only knows it's purpose is to burn
i've yearned to ache for someone's touch
but never find it
instead muck through mire and gulleys
in boots and jackets gleaned from
ex-lovers
these things and scars i hold like trophies
fronting my fight
i call myself a winner
because i'm still smiling
and lying and leaving and losing parts of me
in the effort to find myself
hellbent on illogical redemption
i've burned up this cross i carried
now broken down and splintered
into winter firewood
and it warms me
and burns my constant subconscious stigmata
that i shamefully showed for so long
hoping forever for someone to take it
break me down until i can only grope at dust and
flounder
breathe in the disaster of my
lack of self
i choked for years before i
let me hear myself speak
and screamed and crossed my arms
wrists nailed above my heart
recycling the blood
and veins
and shame and
screamed a name i hadn't heard since birth
it seemed
i weaned myself off of the milk of need
and drank my own self-reliance
like a life elixir i'd never believed
existed
until i felt it on my
weighted
and hungry
tongue.
and is this what i am to be alone?
to send small talk smoke signals over
coffee and familiarity
and slide soft and sweet nothings
to friends i call family
to speak of our journeys
of mean and ugly
and lonely
and raunch and rank and
damp disgusting bedrooms and blankets
and laugh and
thank god for this our delivered solitude
or sit reminiscing on some bus stop floor
and wonder if i want more
than this
than daylight throttling me awake
through a bus window
after leaving still craving
her
more than lacerations and bruises
as proof that i've been here
for twenty or
eighty odd years
more than fears and anxieties
to define my identity
more than my body to use what i breathe
and more than breath to express this passion
this drive
i want to writhe inside of someone
and pound my existence into them
fists clenched or
maybe tied behind my back
as they show me what it is
to be a repentant stone
i want to apologize and mean it
be mean and nasty
and gnash teeth against skin
or through it
leave bruises where i've been
and whisper smoothly to soothe it later
hating all the while that
this is how i am to be alone
stone faced and complacent in someone else
until i cycle back
forget myself
and leave again in hopes of that
forbidden pleasure of
alone time
i am an animal
with wild instincts
and a spitfire grin like
love 'em and leave 'em is within me
instead of chosen
no, this lust is graffitid on me
letting lovers leave marks like tattoos
and tattoos like scars
to show where i let the world in
and healed too quickly before
they could get out
and now i have him still in me
and her
and i wonder sometimes
with so many authors to my history
what happens to me
when i yearn for to be alone
and taste the air
with no love looming hungry
under the weight
of my tongue
waiting for more than another exit pass
to the same tortured nirvana.
and there is a movement in me
like a memory
a quick pinprick reminder occasionally
of my own greatness
that not yet fallen kingship
and the crown i scratched and tarnished
pardoning my appearance
i'm just not that kind of beautiful
but i'm suddenly brimming with a lightness
this blinding brightness comparable only
to the sun looming over the line
where the sky meets the trees
in the evening
in boston
tonight i will have been watching this shadow of myself
for years
and now i'm craving what
and how
and who i am to be alive
i'm firing all my guns at once
self-righteous and
chest open
breathing deep
parading onto this war zone
ready for my first battle with my naivete
and everything of me
poised and lively
ready to grow and
this is my
what it is
to be alone.
Thanks for reading my poetry, guys. :)