I packed my bag for a war
I felt it comming monday and I couldn't do anything about it. I saw all the patterns and I tried to sleep it off.
Nothing worked.
For those of you who don't know, I suffer from depression. It started up in highschool and I haven't been able to get rid of it since. It hits about May and goes away around August. Come September, I'm good ole smiling Sylvia.
Here's a bit more info
Mine started it's pattern my senior year of highschool when I caught my boyfriend of four years cheating on me. I attempted suicide and since then, sumemrs have sucked. I'm not making thus stuff up and was diagnosed two years ago with SAD (the weird Summer version).
Fast forward two years. No more pills. I've gotten really good at resisting the urge to harm myself, but the urges still remain and can grow pretty powerful at times of stress. It started on vacation last week and it's one of those things I can't shake. I have to remain positive, surround myself with people who love me and just wait for September.
I called L last night just to talk. I suppose the sadness came through in my voice and he asked me what the matter was. He's not the kind of person to talk to these things about, and I don't know why I even opened my mouth. To him, I perseverate on the bad and mope on purpose. While this may be a bit true, it doesn't help to be chastized for depression. To him, he thinks it's a matter of just slapping a smile on his face and moving on. I can't do that. I try, but I can't.
In the midst of explaining the diagnosis he interjects "That's rediculous, no one just gets sad for no reason, or because something bad happened a long time ago." This, of course, set me off into tears and anger and we had one massive fight. He said things along the lines of "Your constant sadness is wearing thin" , "I already had to deal with this from two other stupid girls" and "Why can't you just be happy all the time."
It ended with me ending things between us, throwing the phone against the wall and sobbing myself to sleep.
I have no idea where things stand today, but to be honest I can barely deal with myself, let alone him. If he doesn't want to deal with me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best. I bet dating me isn't fun at times like these, but to make it seem like I'm a chore is emotionally devestating.
And the most haunting remark? "I gave you everything and you barely return the favor."
Thats when I threw the phone. Because I gave him the one thing I cherished more than anything else, me. All. Of. Me. Every shard for him to demand, take forgranted and toss aside.
This morning, instead of putting on my make up, I put on a face. A personna. A mask. It wears thin at times, but for the unknowing, they'll see a smiling Sylvia while she truly hibernates inside. I have become a professional at deadening myself, and right now, after everything that happened, I am really dead inside. I think I've cried out every last tear I had left.
Who knows what tomorrow brings? All I know is that right now, I would like to sleep till Autum.