Who are my friends?
Who are my friends? Who are your friends? Am I your friend? Are you mine?
Even more to the point, what is a friend?
For many years I’ve chuckled to myself about how loosely some people use the term “friend.” For example, I think of an entertainer who called to the stage “my good friend” whoever. Yet I knew that the likelihood was that they rarely, if ever, spent time together other than professionally - if that. And I think of all the fraternity “brothers,” some of whom didn’t like each other and were incredibly judgmental about each other.
Now we have the internet and burgeoning opportunities to make “friends.” Instant messengers all have friend or buddy lists. Sites like Yahoo 360, Care 2, Live Journal, and My Space all have friend lists. We have our friends from our online groups. We have the friends we’ve met through online dating sites. And so on and on. Some of us have huge numbers of people we’ve met in any number of ways online whom we call friends.
But are these people really our friends? Or is the term just being used loosely?
For that matter, how many of the people we know in person are really our friends?
And does this issue make any difference at all? Am I just quibbling about semantics (as I’ve been accused of many times when I explore the meanings of words)?
It became a meaningful issue to me recently when I had some occasions to invite people to treat me like a friend. Some did. I felt pleased. Some didn’t. I felt disappointed. One, in particular, who claimed to be my friend actually treated me more like an enemy. I felt stunned and hurt.
So, at that moment, I began to care very much what a friend really is and who my friends really are.
Besides, as many of you know, I do like to explore the meanings of words. I admit that. I don’t believe there is any such thing as JUST semantics. Our ability to communicate depends in part on the meaning of words and on our sharing, or at least understanding, each other’s meanings.
And, furthermore, the meaning we give to the words we use gives an enormous insight into our worldview and how we structure our reality. In other words, I believe it’s a doorway to truly knowing each other at depth. How we use the word “friend” certainly is an example of that.
So, I’d like to give you an insight into my worldview by telling you how I use the term “friend.”
In my opinion, there are at least 4 types (or levels) of friendship. The types aren’t really discrete, but are more like points along a continuum. They are:
1. Friendly strangers: These are people we don’t really know, but who treat us in friendly ways. An example for me is the man I’d never seen before who pointed out to me that one of my tires was almost flat and offered to help me change it.
2. Acquaintances: These are people we’ve met in some way (in person or online) but with whom we’ve had little in-depth conversation. We probably haven’t spent much (if any) social time with acquaintances. We probably don’t know much beyond surface-level information about our acquaintances. Many of our online friends are, in my terminology, acquaintances.
3. Friends: These are the people we know more, who we’re more involved with, and who we can rely on to be part of our support system.
4. Close friends: These are the people who are in our lives a lot. We know quite a bit about each other, some of it information that not many people know. Their being part of our support system isn’t even at question; they’re on our side without a doubt.
Furthermore, as I use the term “friend,” I may be your friend even if you aren’t mine, or vice versa. Friendship isn’t necessarily mutual. Similarly, one of us can be a closer friend to the other than the other is to the first. There are quite a few people in my life who I consider friends and treat that way who don’t return similar treatment. I don’t know what some of them think and feel about me, to be honest. I’m still their friend no matter what. I’m open with them, and they can rely on me as part of their support system. Most of my former romantic partners are in this category.
That’s usually the way it is for me with friends. Once someone is a friend (including the very close kind of friendship involved in being my romantic partner), I rarely ever stop thinking of him or her as my friend and treating her or him that way. It takes a lot, repeated over time (or something very antagonistic), for me to let go of friendships. Forms of relationships may change, degrees of closeness may change, but, for me at least, the content, the friendship, remains. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to understand this - or to agree with it.
Following are some of the characteristics I believe define friendships and determine how close of a friend a person is (that is, at which level, or point along the continuum, they are). Degree of friendship depends on how all of these factors add up. Note that this description is a work in progress and that I may add to it or delete something from it as my awareness expands.
1. The amount of time we choose to spend together and the number of shared experiences we choose to have together. Usually I’m closer with someone I spend many evenings with than with someone I only spend an occasional evening with (assuming they both live in Santa Fe). Similarly, how often I talk with someone about social and personal topics in person, on the phone, via IM, or via e-mail exchange is a measure of how close I feel to the person as a friend.
If someone even registers on my friendship scale (as a friend or more; in some cases even as an acquaintance I feel friendly toward), I send him or her my winter holiday greeting - or I would if I knew where to send it. If I don’t make at least that much effort at contact (or if I wouldn’t if I knew how), then I wouldn’t call the person a friend. (This, of course, assumes that I send a holiday greeting at all - and I haven’t every year.)
2. The more other holiday greetings I send a person and whether or not I send her or him a birthday greeting (if I know his or her birth date) are less-than-perfect indicators of how close I feel to her or him.
3. Whether I invite the person to parties or social gatherings I might have (which are rare), whether they come if invited, whether they invite me to theirs, and whether I go to theirs (which is a big deal considering I’m an introvert and not real fond of parties) are all indicators of how close I feel to someone.
4. Here’s one that’s very telling: If a person visits Santa Fe, how do I respond? The closer I feel, the more I’ll go out of my way to spend time with her or him and the more likely I’ll provide a place for him or her to stay (or help her or him to find a place to stay). With close friends, I may even issue invitations to visit. Similarly, the closer we are, the more likely I‘ll hope he or she might do those things with me if I visit wherever she or he lives.
5. The closer we are as friends, the more we’ll be open and self-revealing with each other. In other words, the more emotional intimacy there will be in our relationship. Of course, I tend to be pretty open and self-revealing with everyone, so this isn’t as significant for me as it is for some people. It is a sign of my inviting friendship with acquaintances and closer friendship with friends, though. However, there are still things I’ll tell people I’m closer with that I won’t tell others.
6. Because we’ve been more open with each other, the closer we are, the more secrets we know about each other. Real friends keep those secrets sacred no matter what. Actually, honorable people will keep secrets, no matter how close they are to the person with the secret. But the closer we are, the more I’ll trust someone to keep my secrets. One of the reasons I always feel like I’m the friend of someone I’ve ever been really close with is because I know some significant secrets about that person and will always keep those secrets safe for him or her. I hope she or he will do the same for me.
7. The closer we are with each other, the more likely we are to read each other’s blogs, journals, or group messages and to reply to them or comment on them. I choose whose blog entries to read based on how close I feel with that person - or how close I’d like to feel with him or her.
8. The closer we are as friends, the more we can count on each other’s emotional support. We can count on the other person to be on our side, to be our ally, to encourage us rather than to discourage us regarding our self-exploration, growth, awakening, relationships, goals, dreams, intentions, desires, and spiritual mission. They will be genuinely on our side. In other words, they’ll give us the feedback and the encouragement that’s truly in our best interests rather than what we might want to hear that isn’t really in our best interests. For example, a real friend will participate in an intervention with someone who is actively alcoholic rather than letting her or him continue to wreck lives with his or her drinking. A false friend might say, “Oh, you don’t have a problem. Here, have another drink.”
9. The more we’re friends with each other, the more we’ll accept and honor each other’s messages no matter what they are. I may not agree with what he or she says. I may not reply. But I don’t object to receiving them. I’ll allow that person to communicate anything he or she wants to communicate - jokes, anecdotes, political messages, petitions, or whatever. If it’s important to the person to send those messages to me, the more we’re really friends, the more I’ll respect that.
10. Real friends deal with differences directly, honestly, respectfully, and gently rather than by avoiding, triangulating (going to a third person hoping that person will confront the one we have the complaint about), or using attacks (criticism, contempt, blaming, etc.). Enemies will try to hurt the person they have complaints about - for example, get the person thrown out of a group, expose sensitive secrets that will hurt him or her, or hit her or him.
11. The closer we are as friends, the more likely we are to help each other whenever it’s truly needed. I would get up out of bed in the middle of the night to go help a close friend whose car has broken down. I would loan or give a friend money when it’s needed and there’s a good reason for his or her needing it.
12. When we’re with each other in person, the closer we are as friends, the more I’ll touch - hugs, brief touches in passing, arms around each other, etc. I admit that I’m gender-biased about touching. I touch my women friends a lot more and in a lot more different ways than I do my men friends. And I’m not talking about sexual touching. (And my real friends won’t judge me harshly for that.)
So, there you have it. What do you think? What would you add? What would you delete? What would you modify? As I said before, I may modify this statement as I become more aware and learn more.
And now, given what I’ve written, or using your own definition if you prefer, am I your friend?
This is the first in a series that I’ll be writing on friendship. My next post in the series will be about what kinds of values and interests I look for in friends. Later I’ll be writing posts specifically about some of my friends - who they are and why they’re my friends - and about some of the people I’d like to be closer with as friends.
Namaste,
Michael
Even more to the point, what is a friend?
For many years I’ve chuckled to myself about how loosely some people use the term “friend.” For example, I think of an entertainer who called to the stage “my good friend” whoever. Yet I knew that the likelihood was that they rarely, if ever, spent time together other than professionally - if that. And I think of all the fraternity “brothers,” some of whom didn’t like each other and were incredibly judgmental about each other.
Now we have the internet and burgeoning opportunities to make “friends.” Instant messengers all have friend or buddy lists. Sites like Yahoo 360, Care 2, Live Journal, and My Space all have friend lists. We have our friends from our online groups. We have the friends we’ve met through online dating sites. And so on and on. Some of us have huge numbers of people we’ve met in any number of ways online whom we call friends.
But are these people really our friends? Or is the term just being used loosely?
For that matter, how many of the people we know in person are really our friends?
And does this issue make any difference at all? Am I just quibbling about semantics (as I’ve been accused of many times when I explore the meanings of words)?
It became a meaningful issue to me recently when I had some occasions to invite people to treat me like a friend. Some did. I felt pleased. Some didn’t. I felt disappointed. One, in particular, who claimed to be my friend actually treated me more like an enemy. I felt stunned and hurt.
So, at that moment, I began to care very much what a friend really is and who my friends really are.
Besides, as many of you know, I do like to explore the meanings of words. I admit that. I don’t believe there is any such thing as JUST semantics. Our ability to communicate depends in part on the meaning of words and on our sharing, or at least understanding, each other’s meanings.
And, furthermore, the meaning we give to the words we use gives an enormous insight into our worldview and how we structure our reality. In other words, I believe it’s a doorway to truly knowing each other at depth. How we use the word “friend” certainly is an example of that.
So, I’d like to give you an insight into my worldview by telling you how I use the term “friend.”
In my opinion, there are at least 4 types (or levels) of friendship. The types aren’t really discrete, but are more like points along a continuum. They are:
1. Friendly strangers: These are people we don’t really know, but who treat us in friendly ways. An example for me is the man I’d never seen before who pointed out to me that one of my tires was almost flat and offered to help me change it.
2. Acquaintances: These are people we’ve met in some way (in person or online) but with whom we’ve had little in-depth conversation. We probably haven’t spent much (if any) social time with acquaintances. We probably don’t know much beyond surface-level information about our acquaintances. Many of our online friends are, in my terminology, acquaintances.
3. Friends: These are the people we know more, who we’re more involved with, and who we can rely on to be part of our support system.
4. Close friends: These are the people who are in our lives a lot. We know quite a bit about each other, some of it information that not many people know. Their being part of our support system isn’t even at question; they’re on our side without a doubt.
Furthermore, as I use the term “friend,” I may be your friend even if you aren’t mine, or vice versa. Friendship isn’t necessarily mutual. Similarly, one of us can be a closer friend to the other than the other is to the first. There are quite a few people in my life who I consider friends and treat that way who don’t return similar treatment. I don’t know what some of them think and feel about me, to be honest. I’m still their friend no matter what. I’m open with them, and they can rely on me as part of their support system. Most of my former romantic partners are in this category.
That’s usually the way it is for me with friends. Once someone is a friend (including the very close kind of friendship involved in being my romantic partner), I rarely ever stop thinking of him or her as my friend and treating her or him that way. It takes a lot, repeated over time (or something very antagonistic), for me to let go of friendships. Forms of relationships may change, degrees of closeness may change, but, for me at least, the content, the friendship, remains. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to understand this - or to agree with it.
Following are some of the characteristics I believe define friendships and determine how close of a friend a person is (that is, at which level, or point along the continuum, they are). Degree of friendship depends on how all of these factors add up. Note that this description is a work in progress and that I may add to it or delete something from it as my awareness expands.
1. The amount of time we choose to spend together and the number of shared experiences we choose to have together. Usually I’m closer with someone I spend many evenings with than with someone I only spend an occasional evening with (assuming they both live in Santa Fe). Similarly, how often I talk with someone about social and personal topics in person, on the phone, via IM, or via e-mail exchange is a measure of how close I feel to the person as a friend.
If someone even registers on my friendship scale (as a friend or more; in some cases even as an acquaintance I feel friendly toward), I send him or her my winter holiday greeting - or I would if I knew where to send it. If I don’t make at least that much effort at contact (or if I wouldn’t if I knew how), then I wouldn’t call the person a friend. (This, of course, assumes that I send a holiday greeting at all - and I haven’t every year.)
2. The more other holiday greetings I send a person and whether or not I send her or him a birthday greeting (if I know his or her birth date) are less-than-perfect indicators of how close I feel to her or him.
3. Whether I invite the person to parties or social gatherings I might have (which are rare), whether they come if invited, whether they invite me to theirs, and whether I go to theirs (which is a big deal considering I’m an introvert and not real fond of parties) are all indicators of how close I feel to someone.
4. Here’s one that’s very telling: If a person visits Santa Fe, how do I respond? The closer I feel, the more I’ll go out of my way to spend time with her or him and the more likely I’ll provide a place for him or her to stay (or help her or him to find a place to stay). With close friends, I may even issue invitations to visit. Similarly, the closer we are, the more likely I‘ll hope he or she might do those things with me if I visit wherever she or he lives.
5. The closer we are as friends, the more we’ll be open and self-revealing with each other. In other words, the more emotional intimacy there will be in our relationship. Of course, I tend to be pretty open and self-revealing with everyone, so this isn’t as significant for me as it is for some people. It is a sign of my inviting friendship with acquaintances and closer friendship with friends, though. However, there are still things I’ll tell people I’m closer with that I won’t tell others.
6. Because we’ve been more open with each other, the closer we are, the more secrets we know about each other. Real friends keep those secrets sacred no matter what. Actually, honorable people will keep secrets, no matter how close they are to the person with the secret. But the closer we are, the more I’ll trust someone to keep my secrets. One of the reasons I always feel like I’m the friend of someone I’ve ever been really close with is because I know some significant secrets about that person and will always keep those secrets safe for him or her. I hope she or he will do the same for me.
7. The closer we are with each other, the more likely we are to read each other’s blogs, journals, or group messages and to reply to them or comment on them. I choose whose blog entries to read based on how close I feel with that person - or how close I’d like to feel with him or her.
8. The closer we are as friends, the more we can count on each other’s emotional support. We can count on the other person to be on our side, to be our ally, to encourage us rather than to discourage us regarding our self-exploration, growth, awakening, relationships, goals, dreams, intentions, desires, and spiritual mission. They will be genuinely on our side. In other words, they’ll give us the feedback and the encouragement that’s truly in our best interests rather than what we might want to hear that isn’t really in our best interests. For example, a real friend will participate in an intervention with someone who is actively alcoholic rather than letting her or him continue to wreck lives with his or her drinking. A false friend might say, “Oh, you don’t have a problem. Here, have another drink.”
9. The more we’re friends with each other, the more we’ll accept and honor each other’s messages no matter what they are. I may not agree with what he or she says. I may not reply. But I don’t object to receiving them. I’ll allow that person to communicate anything he or she wants to communicate - jokes, anecdotes, political messages, petitions, or whatever. If it’s important to the person to send those messages to me, the more we’re really friends, the more I’ll respect that.
10. Real friends deal with differences directly, honestly, respectfully, and gently rather than by avoiding, triangulating (going to a third person hoping that person will confront the one we have the complaint about), or using attacks (criticism, contempt, blaming, etc.). Enemies will try to hurt the person they have complaints about - for example, get the person thrown out of a group, expose sensitive secrets that will hurt him or her, or hit her or him.
11. The closer we are as friends, the more likely we are to help each other whenever it’s truly needed. I would get up out of bed in the middle of the night to go help a close friend whose car has broken down. I would loan or give a friend money when it’s needed and there’s a good reason for his or her needing it.
12. When we’re with each other in person, the closer we are as friends, the more I’ll touch - hugs, brief touches in passing, arms around each other, etc. I admit that I’m gender-biased about touching. I touch my women friends a lot more and in a lot more different ways than I do my men friends. And I’m not talking about sexual touching. (And my real friends won’t judge me harshly for that.)
So, there you have it. What do you think? What would you add? What would you delete? What would you modify? As I said before, I may modify this statement as I become more aware and learn more.
And now, given what I’ve written, or using your own definition if you prefer, am I your friend?
This is the first in a series that I’ll be writing on friendship. My next post in the series will be about what kinds of values and interests I look for in friends. Later I’ll be writing posts specifically about some of my friends - who they are and why they’re my friends - and about some of the people I’d like to be closer with as friends.
Namaste,
Michael