LJ Idol Week Three - I want you so much but I hate your guts.

[ohelectricshock]

It's the end of March, Alex and I are in his van filled with our worldly possessions plus one bunny rabbit and we are driving towards what will be my last season at the Lodge. I am feeling unsettled, disconnected. This is our last day of being monogamous, after today everything will be different. I can't help but feel a certain amount of

Comments

[mallorys_camera]

Oh, I like this a lot. Good job! Have to say the topic didn't speak to me at all, so I'm impressed. :-)

[ohelectricshock]

Oh wow thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed this :)

[ohelectricshock]

I'm so happy to hear that people are into this story and excited to read more. It feels incredibly liberating to share the things I felt I couldn't tell anybody about at the time I was going through them. I think that regardless of what kind of relationship you're in, issues of self-worth and experiencing jealousy and feeling insecure are things we all go through, and I was hoping to reach people by writing about it. I'm equal parts glad and sad to hear that you can relate <3

[halfshellvenus]

Love that little cabin space!

I sometimes even believe that I'm ready for this. I've read all the literature, I've done all the crying
This is such a painful sign that the whole thing is really wrong for you. I ache reading this, knowing that you were manipulated into it and never wanted it.

[ohelectricshock]

Thanks! It was such a nice home for a few months before I moved out. I loved writing there, and in the morning there were some hilarious squirrels that liked to run all over the roof and wake us up.

I agree, I think that I had deluded myself into thinking I was ready and that I could have this kind of relationship with him, and that's part of what makes the whole thing so sad. I don't know what would've happened if I would have just straight up said 'no, this is not a thing I can do.' But here I am now, and I've grown and thrived from the experience despite experiencing all of the pain and sadness, and it feels really, really good to be able to share this now because at the time I felt so alone and like I couldn't/didn't know how to tell anyone about it.

[n3m3sis43]

It looks like such a nice place, on the surface. The photos provide a nice contrast with the internal place you describe being in. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :\

[ohelectricshock]

Yeah, absolutely. I actually thought about that contrast a lot while I was there. It seemed so wrong to be so tormented in such a beautiful place <3

[oxymoron67]

Open relationships? Not for me.

I barely have the energy to be in a relationship with one person.

I could feel your apprehension and your doubts. They were palpable. This was a very good read and take on the prompt.

[ohelectricshock]

I can totally understand that. That situation didn't end up being for me, either, and I do think polyamory is feasible but I think that the amount of time it takes to maintain and cultivate multiple romantic relationships is an enormous commitment and sometimes just not a realistic model.

I'm so glad that you enjoyed this :) thank you for reading!