Simon Pegg blogs; writes theoretical Spaced spin-off; is awesome
During the whole US pilot debacle, when everything got rather serious and unpleasant, I had an idea to respond to the McSpaced situation in a slightly more light hearted but nevertheless pointed fashion. The idea was to get everyone together and make a Spaced short on DV to be posted virally on the net. A little joke to encapsulate how we felt.
Now that the US pilot has been shelved and the feeling of sickly unease has abated, there isn't much point in following through with the idea. However, I thought you might like to see a rough script anyway. This can't really be considered an official Spaced spin off; it's a first draft and never reached a collaborative stage with Jess and Edgar. Just think of it as a work in progress.
It's specifically written as a concentrated dose of Spaced, replete with little details and call backs for fans of the show, so it's slightly heightened. Also, for those of you unfamiliar with screen writing terms, (O.S.) means Off Screen.
So, as a personal thank you for all the phenomenal support and delightful outrage engendered by this whole saga, here is...
SPACED
sedition
Colo(u)r bars. Blackness.
Caption: PROPERTY OF BRITISH GOVERNMENT. DO NOT COPY.
EXT. PARK - THEN
Video camera footage. We see a silver Miniature Schnauzer sniffing around on the grass.
DAISY (O.S.)
Colin? Colin? Colin? Come here.
Hard cut to black. Another flash of Colin the dog running towards the camera. Blackness.
EXT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
Video camera footage. The house viewed from below, its parapeted roof silhouetted against the sky.
TIM (O.S.)
Mike? Mike? Mike? Come here.
MIKE (O.S.)
What?
TIM (O.S.)
What-you-doing?
MIKE (O.S.)
I've never realised how amazing the house is. There isn't another one like it on the street.
TIM
Eh?
MIKE
It's unique.
TIM
Just put the camera on me man. Come on.
We whip round to reveal Tim Bisley. He looks into the camera.
TIM (CONT'D)
Is it on?
MIKE (O.S.)
It's on.
TIM
Hello. Daisy, it's your 30th birthday and you think that I am at Collectormania in Birmingham, signing copies of Bearmageddon but I am not. I am standing in our front garden, about to give you a big surprise. Because no amount of ego adulation and signature signing can equal the pleasure of spending time with you...
MIKE
And you missed the train.
TIM
...my best friend in the world.
MIKE
What?!
TIM
My best 'female' friend in the world. Let's go inside and meet a very special lady shall we?.
Tim smiles fixedly at the camera, his eyes flick over to Mike. He raises his eyebrows a couple of time, the smile still fixed on his face.
TIM (CONT'D)
Mike, turn off the fucking-
MIKE
CUT!
Blackness.
EXT. PARK - THEN
Tim is playing with Colin. We can hear Daisy laughing hysterically off camera.
EXT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
Shaky footage of the garden path, as Mike and Tim approach the front door.
MIKE (O.S.)
No it's not.
TIM (O.S.)
It is. You pressed the thing.
MIKE (O.S.)
Timmy-
EXT. PARK - THEN
Colin sniffs around, then squats on the grass. The camera moves quickly off him as if it has been pushed.
DAISY (O.S.)
Don't film him doing that!
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
Mike and Tim are now inside. They shot moves into the living room. Where Daisy is sat with Marsha, Twist and Colin. Daisy is unwrapping a present, she produces a lipstick.
DAISY
Oooh Rude Red!
MARSHA
I thought you'd probably run out.
TIM
Surprise!!
DAISY
Oh my god, Tim! I thought you'd gone to Birmingham!
TIM
What and miss your birthday? No way!
We hear Mike snort derisively.
DAISY
What's this Mike?
MIKE
I am documenting the occasion, so that you may review it in years to come and remember the good times.
DAISY
Nice. It's not a camera with a gun in it is it, like in The Bodyguard?
MIKE
No. I wish it was though. I love The Bodyguard.
DAISY
And guns.
MIKE
Oh yeah!
TIM
So, Daisy how does it feel to be thirty years old?
DAISY
Well, I mean it's like...it's not like I feel...it's just, psychologically, I feel...well I don't feel, I just know...
TIM
Skip to the end.
DAISY
It's weird.
TIM
You'd be dead if this was Logan's Run.
DAISY
You say that every year.
TIM
I won't say it next year.
DAISY
Aw why?
TIM
You'll be dead.
DAISY
Tim, this isn't Logan's Run.
TIM
Isn't it?
A knock on the door. Brian enters, with a gift wrapped in paint spattered
newspaper.
BRIAN
Happy birthday Daisy.
DAISY
Thanks Brian.
He gives her the present.
BRIAN
It's a painting.
DAISY
(tentatively)
Did you do it with a brush?
BRIAN
Yes.
DAISY
Great.
Daisy rips of the paper.
BRIAN
Although it was clenched in my anus.
DAISY puts it down quickly.
DAISY
That'll look nice in the bathroom.
TIM
Makes sense doesn't it?
MARSHA
Hello Brian.
BRIAN
Alright?
TWIST
Hello.
BRIAN
Hello.
Awkwardness settles on the room.
DAISY
Well this is lovely isn't it?
TIM
Skin up!
EXT. PARK - THEN
Tim is chasing Daisy with the camera. Daisy laughs. She falls over, Tim trips over her and hits the deck.
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
We see Twist. She is checking herself in the viewfinder which Tim has turned round to face her.
TIM (O.S.)
Can I turn it back now.
TWIST
Yes. Wait!
She pouts a bit and fluffs up her hair.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Okay. Daisy...
TIM (O.S.)
ACTION!
TWIST
Daisy. Happy birthday. You're thirty years old. Wow! That's amazing isn't it? Thirty. Three Zero. You'll be pleased to know you look really good. Like a beautiful woman. In her thirties.
TIM
Thanks, she'll love that.
EXT. PARK - THEN
A flash of grass. Some laughter.
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
BRIAN is staring into the camera.
BRIAN
What shall I say?
TIM (O.S.)
Just wish her happy birthday and say a few words about why you like her.
BRIAN
Can I hold the camera?
TIM
What?
BRIAN
Do you have shoe polish?
CUT to Brian holding the camera at arm's length. The following sequence works as a series of quick cuts. Each time we cut, a new section of shoe polish facial hair appears on his face.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Daisy...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Time...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Passing...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Isn't...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Necessarily...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Passing...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Time...
Cut.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Happy Birthday Daisy.
Pause.
TIM
Can I have it back now please?
EXT. PARK - THEN
A brief glimpse of Daisy sat on the grass.
DAISY
I think maybe...well I don't think it but I definitely suspect it but anyway you know when...?
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
Marsha is looking into the camera. She is slightly tipsy.
TIM (O.S.)
Go Marsha
MARSHA
Hello my darling. I remember when I was thirty. No wait, I remember when I was thirty two. Yeah that's it, thirty two. Anyway, cheers, happy birthday. Let's get a bottle open!
TIM
You've got a bottle open.
MARSHA
What's your point?
INT. PARK - THEN
Tim is laughing at something Daisy has said.
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
Mike is looking into the camera.
MIKE
Hello little lady. We've been friends for a long time now and although you will never replace Tim, I'd like to think if Tim was to be shot in the neck by a sniper, secreted in a disused bell tower, I think I can safely say, I would call you my best friend. After I had tracked down the sniper and garroted him with the some barbed wire, clinging to him tightly, almost lovingly as the last few breaths gasp out of his open, terrified mouth, even as he hears his own larynx, crackle and split under the insistent pressure of my expert hands. Is that alright? Not too sentimental?
TIM
(choked)
It was beautiful.
INT. HALL - NOW
Brian and Twist are having a private conversation, unaware they are being filmed.
TWIST
Are you still seeing that lesbian?
BRIAN
No.
TWIST
Why not?
BRIAN
She found out I was a man.
TWIST
I miss you Brian.
BRIAN
Do you?
TWIST
Yes.
BRIAN
I miss me too.
They embrace and start kissing passionately
MIKE (O.S.)
Urrrghhh that's sick!
MARSHA (O.S.)
What's going on out here?
MIKE (O.S.)
NOTHING!
Mike bustles Marsha roughly back into the lounge.
EXT. PARK - THEN
Colin is going to the toilet. We hear Tim laughing.
DAISY (O.S.)
Tim!!!
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
Tim is looking into the camera.
TIM
Hello Daisy. Uh this is me, Tim, wishing you a happy birthday. Here's to another year of living together and hanging out and doing stuff. Uuuh...I'm so glad I met you. When I think how random it was, how close we came to never meeting, it chills my blood...
MIKE (O.S.)
Nice.
TIM
Thanks. You are...such a good friend to me and I don't think my life would be the same if you weren't in it and...that's it I guess. Happy birthday and I love you.
MIKE
You what?
TIM
I said I love her.
DAISY (O.S.)
You what?
The camera spins round to see Daisy.
DAISY (CONT'D)
What-you-doin'?
TIM
I was just doing a...birthday message...thing.
DAISY
Did you say you love me.
MIKE (O.S.)
Yes he did.
TIM
(as if he is waking up)
Yes. Of course I did. Of course I love you.
DAISY
Do you?
Tim nods.
DAISY
I love you too.
MIKE (O.S.)
Whoa, whoa, whoa-
TIM
I've loved you since you did that thing with the salt and pepper in the cafe on the third day we were flat hunting.
DAISY
That was you.
TIM
(wistfully)
Oh yeah.
DAISY
I did something with toast.
TIM
That was good too.
DAISY
Thanks.
They draw close to each other. It's going to happen.
DAISY
You know I'm thirty?
TIM
Nobody's perfect.
Tim and Daisy look into each other's eyes. They move in closer still. Their lips are a hair's breadth apart.
CRASH
The house shakes. An enormous rumbling sound resonates through the room. Everyone screams. The shot becomes chaotic, unfocused amid the confusion.
DAISY (O.S.)
What was it?
TIM (O.S.)
It's outside. It's-
EXT. PARK - THEN
Daisy is getting up off the grass.
DAISY
Shall we go back?
INT. 23 METEOR STREET - NOW
The gang make their way outside. We hear their voices but the shot is still unfocused, picking up the floor and the walls as they approach the front door. The door opens. The gang spill out. Something large lies in the front garden. Battered, smoking. The camera zooms out and focuses on the object. Lying on the front lawn of 23 Meteor street is the STATUE OF LIBERTY'S HEAD!!! The camera spins round to take in Tim and Daisy who are staring dumbfounded, with Marsha, Brian and Twist behind them.
DAISY
What do you think that means?
EXT. PARK - THEN
Daisy and Tim are on their way home. Daisy films Tim.
DAISY (O.S.)
What shall we do when we get back?
TIM
Watch a film?
DAISY
Yeah. Let's get a take away and watch a film.
TIM
What do you fancy?
DAISY
Charlie's Angels?
Tim thinks about this.
Blackness. Colo(u)r bars. End.
If only.
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