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Mary Olsen: Drug-Addled Anorexic or Fine Young Cannibal?
AUTHOR: Don Unger, Professional Writing, SUNY Cortland, USA
Star Magazine reported that on June 11, 2004, just two days before her 18th birthday, “Mary-Kate” Olsen was checked into Cirque Lodge, a rehabilitation clinic located in Utah, by her father, Dave Olsen. The Olsen Twins’ media conglomerate, Dualstar, denies claims made by the American Media Corporation, parent company of Star Magazine and the National Enquirer, that “Mary-Kate” was admitted for a 30-day drug treatment program. To date, Dualstar has not made good on its promise of legal action against American Media, but Olsen spokesman Michael Pagnotta commented on the allegations,"The bottom line is that Mary-Kate was not admitted for drugs, period."
“Mary-Kate” spent a total of 42 days at the picturesque, $30,000-a-month clinic, less than half of the 90-day stay typically required of someone suffering anorexia. She is reported to have gained between five and seven pounds during her stay.
Theories abound regarding “Mary-Kate’s” ailment, but none of them dig down to the root of the problem. Eating disorders and drug addictions may be substantial problems on their own, but in order to solve such problems the root cause must be addressed. Cirque Lodge deals with drug addiction and eating disorders in a similar fashion. The foundation for all activities at Cirque Lodge is based on two main objectives: arresting the disease, and providing the needed support for early recovery. To that end, Cirque Lodge provides individual counseling, group therapy, extensive education, 12-step programming, appropriate family treatment, and the facilitation of aftercare. “Mary-Kate” attended up to five meetings a day as part of her treatment regiment. These meetings attempted to address the emotional, physical, nutritional, exercise, family and social components of her life. It would be an understatement to say that the patients at Cirque Lodge become quite familiar with one another’s problems and peccadilloes.
Fortunately or unfortunately for “Mary-Kate,” another celebrity was in residence at Cirque Lodge when the tween-queen entered the program. It is rumored that David Hasselhoff, star of Knight Rider and Bay Watch, reported “Mary-Kate’s” arrival at Cirque Lodge to a Salt Lake City radio station in late June, stating, “Yeah, she’s here. I’m never quite seen anything like this. I thought I had problems.” Hasselhoff’s cryptic, if vague, comments have only fueled controversies surrounding “Mary-Kate’s” stint at Cirque.
In the last week, an unnamed source, and former patient of Cirque Lodge has surfaced claiming to have the inside scoop on “Mary-Kate.” Star Magazine received a later post marked Sundance, Utah, August 1st, 2004, but we suppressed the letter until its author could be found and facts could be verified. The letter chronicles the life of a child star plagued by the trappings of fame, but that child star was not “Mary-Kate Olsen.” According to the letter, there were not two, but three Olsens who played the role of Michelle Elizabeth Tanner on the late 1980’s family-favorite “Full House.”
Because of California laws, which limit the amount of time children under the age of 18 are permitted to work, producers Leonard Ripps, Don van Atta and Kim Weiskopf decided to hire a trio of cuties to fill the role of Michelle. Less than a year old, Mary, Kate and Ashley Olsen were hired to play the adorable enfant on the ABC sitcom. The producers were unaware that one of the fraternal triplets suffered from congenital talipes equinovarus, more commonly known as a clubfoot. Clubfoot affects 1 out of every 1000 births and results from the position of the foot in the womb during a pregnancy. In most cases the condition is treatable. Unfortunately for Kate Olsen, treatment was ineffective.
Kate’s condition wasn’t a problem during the first few seasons of the sitcom. Cradled in a swaddling cloth and delivering smiles and mutterings from the arms of an adult or in a crib made Kate’s deformity invisible to the audience and even to much of the cast, but as Michelle grew older and more demands were placed on the Olsen triplets, the condition became a problem. Kate was unable to meet the demands of the role. Furthermore, as the fraternal triplets aged they began to change in appearance. Kate had to wear a special shoe over her bulbous foot and was unable to run like her sisters. In the 1990 season it was suggested that the Olsen sisters be replaced by identical twins. Their careers hung in the balance.
A deal was struck between one of the show’s many directors and Mary, Kate and Ashley’s parents, Dave and Jarnett; in order for the Olsen sisters to retain the role of Michelle Tanner, Kate would have to be cut out of the equation. Dave and Jarnette immediately agreed to the demands, unaware that the decision would eventually destroy their marriage and their young daughter Kate’s life.
In an interview with People Magazine, dated 25 June 1990, Jarnette Olsen stated, “my girls are destined for stardom. They are hungry for it.” Her words were oddly appropriate in light of the claims made by the letter sent from Cirque Lodge, which reads in part, “I cannot fathom the depths of depravity that wrack Mary Olsen’s soul. She suffers no mere eating disorder. In a group therapy session on June 23, Mary told us why she refused to eat and why she self-medicated with cocaine and alcohol. When she was three years old Mary and her sister Ashley were encompassed by fear. Their parents were facing the possibility of divorce and the one thing that seemed to hold their relationship together, the daughters’ acting careers, was doomed because of their sister Mary’s deformity. Mary and Ashley knew what they had to do. They devoured their deformed sister Kate. They ate Kate!”
Obviously the editor’s of Star Magazine weren’t convinced by the rantings of an anonymous former junkie, so we decided to do a little investigating of our own. The August 1st letter makes mention of the first three seasons of “Full House.” In the opening credits for the first season of the show Mary, Kate and Ashley are listed as individuals, with a comma separating each child’s first name, “Mary, Kate, and Ashley Olsen.” The credits for the second season mire the issue, reading, “Mary Kate Ashley Olsen,” as if the triplets were one person. Finally, in the third season a hyphen is added, erasing Kate from television history altogether. The credits read, “Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.” The comma that defines Kate’s existence has been replaced by a hyphen. Coincidentally, when reporters from the Star approached ABC Television regarding the opening credits of the first, second and third seasons of the show, they were told that the discrepancy was simply a typographical or grammatical error. There was never a third Olsen sister. Is the discrepancy an editorial error or a vital piece of evidence is uncovering the tragic life of Kate Olsen?
The letter also provides vivid details regarding the cover up of Kate’s cannibalistic murder. It claims that Mary and Ashley devoured their sister, but couldn’t bring themselves to eat the clubfoot that caused the deadly animosity among the triplets. According to the letter they fed the clubfoot to Comet, the lovable canine from “Full House.” When representatives from Star Magazine presented such evidence to the LA County Sheriff’s Office, the boys in blue stated that there wasn’t enough evidence to warrant digging up the canine and checking the contents of its stomach for Kate’s clubfoot. The cover up continues?
All attempts to retrieve copies of the Olsen sisters’ birth certificates and medical documentation have failed. According to the LA County Department of Records such documents were destroyed in a fire that occurred in the fall of 1990, just before the third season of “Full House,” the first season without Kate, hit the small screen.
While we cannot brand Mary and Ashley as cannibals or murderers, or establish the validity of the comma in the opening credits of “Full House,” we, at Star Magazine have decided to make the story public in the hopes of finding some new leads. We refuse to give up hope of finding the truth behind Mary’s anorexia and/or her drug.
Donald Unger is a gossip columnist for the Wall Street Journal and Star Magazine
DESIGNER: Greg Montano, New Media Design, SUNY Cortland, USA
Source:
http://neovox.cortland.edu/oldsite/studio/studio_36/studio_36.html
Yes, i know this is bullshit...but can you believe some one actually sat down and bothered to write it??