fic ][ you always said the day you would leave me, would be a cold day in july
{I blame looking at this gif while listening to this song. Set nowhere, binding on nothing and no one, just fic. In my head I see it being a couple years down the line. This...also makes me the worst person on the planet. In fact there is probably a special Hell for me just for this.}
Parker never liked promises. Promises were words. They were hopes. They weren't real, and they never lasted. Sure they felt nice to hear, and sometimes she did ask for them, but deep down she knew that they didn't mean anything.
Yet somehow she had believed him when he promised. He promised that he loved her, that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he would always be there for her. He was her best friend in every way. He had so much to do with the person she had become, the person she actually liked being. He was love to her. The only thing about love she had ever known.
And somewhere along the way it had come to not be enough for him. Somewhere along the way she hadn't been enough for Hardison anymore.
"But..." Her words were soft. "I don't...I don't understand what I did. I can...I can stop. I'll do it different." Her eyes were begging and pleading. She didn't want to be left again. She didn't want to be rejected. Not by him.
"It's not...it's not you, Parker. Not completely. It's us."
Her head shook and she looked at him, her eyes blinking fast to try and keep all of that emotion locked in. It was coming on fast and she didn't want to let it break. "What's wrong with us?"
He took her hand gently. "You don't really love me. Not...not the way I love you."
Parker yanked her hand away from him and crossed her arms tight over her chest. "How do you know?"
He was quiet for several beats, licking his lips and taking his time. He sighed. "I don't feel it. It's like...you love me because of how much I love you, and...and that's not fair. For either of us. You need someone you love...the way I love you."
"You don't know." She took a step back from him, curling in on herself more. "You don't know what I...how I...you don't know!"
Hardison looked down. He wouldn't even look at her anymore. "Parker..."
"I have to go," she said quickly. It was all hurting too much, and she didn't know what to do with it. There was pain in her chest that she had never even felt before.
"Wait, don't-" He reached for her, but she yanked away and pushed past him. "Can we-"
"No. I..." She turned around to look at him, her arms still hugging herself. "You don't know everything, Hardison. Actually....you're really, really stupid."
And for just a moment he turned his head up to meet her eyes, and she let him. She let him hold her gaze for a few short beats. She couldn't hide the hurt in her eyes, and she couldn't hide the fact that there was a dam there wanting to break. For just that moment she was completely open to him. Then she closed her eyes tightly and shut him out. That movement forced tears from her eyes onto her cheeks, and she spun on her heel and hurried out the door.
She had to go somewhere. She had to go anywhere that wasn't there. Only as soon as she got out to the sidewalk she realized she didn't know where to go. He had convinced her to move out of the storage unit she had been living in and stay with him more. What he didn't know was that she still had it, and two more like it, but suddenly she didn't want to go there. She knew it would be empty and cold in comparison to how she had been living in recent years. She wanted warmth. She wanted warmth and love, and she knew in that instant where to go.
***
"Parker?" Sophie's eyes were full of immediate concern when the door opened. "Parker, what is it? What's wrong?"
Parker opened her mouth to say it, but she didn't know how. She had never been one to define what she and Hardison had, so how could she give words to it ending? Her lips moved silently for a bit before she clamped them shut and shook her head. Sophie reached for her, and when that touch connected with Parker's skin she couldn't hold back. She fell into Sophie and gripped on hard, still holding in those tears the best she could manage.
Sophie wrapped her arms around the girl and hugged her close. "Ssssh, it's okay. Whatever it is, it will be okay."
"No it won't," she murmured in reply. Her eyes squeezed shut and she buried her face in Sophie's shoulder. She wasn't going to say it. Not yet. She couldn't. She couldn't say that the only person who wanted her didn't want her anymore. She just wanted to hide it. Push it all back in. Bury all of those feelings that she had once been able to ignore.
For the first time in many years, she wanted to be that girl again. That girl that was made all wrong and who didn't know what all of this felt like. Maybe that girl had been the smartest one of all.
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Parker never liked promises. Promises were words. They were hopes. They weren't real, and they never lasted. Sure they felt nice to hear, and sometimes she did ask for them, but deep down she knew that they didn't mean anything.
Yet somehow she had believed him when he promised. He promised that he loved her, that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he would always be there for her. He was her best friend in every way. He had so much to do with the person she had become, the person she actually liked being. He was love to her. The only thing about love she had ever known.
And somewhere along the way it had come to not be enough for him. Somewhere along the way she hadn't been enough for Hardison anymore.
"But..." Her words were soft. "I don't...I don't understand what I did. I can...I can stop. I'll do it different." Her eyes were begging and pleading. She didn't want to be left again. She didn't want to be rejected. Not by him.
"It's not...it's not you, Parker. Not completely. It's us."
Her head shook and she looked at him, her eyes blinking fast to try and keep all of that emotion locked in. It was coming on fast and she didn't want to let it break. "What's wrong with us?"
He took her hand gently. "You don't really love me. Not...not the way I love you."
Parker yanked her hand away from him and crossed her arms tight over her chest. "How do you know?"
He was quiet for several beats, licking his lips and taking his time. He sighed. "I don't feel it. It's like...you love me because of how much I love you, and...and that's not fair. For either of us. You need someone you love...the way I love you."
"You don't know." She took a step back from him, curling in on herself more. "You don't know what I...how I...you don't know!"
Hardison looked down. He wouldn't even look at her anymore. "Parker..."
"I have to go," she said quickly. It was all hurting too much, and she didn't know what to do with it. There was pain in her chest that she had never even felt before.
"Wait, don't-" He reached for her, but she yanked away and pushed past him. "Can we-"
"No. I..." She turned around to look at him, her arms still hugging herself. "You don't know everything, Hardison. Actually....you're really, really stupid."
And for just a moment he turned his head up to meet her eyes, and she let him. She let him hold her gaze for a few short beats. She couldn't hide the hurt in her eyes, and she couldn't hide the fact that there was a dam there wanting to break. For just that moment she was completely open to him. Then she closed her eyes tightly and shut him out. That movement forced tears from her eyes onto her cheeks, and she spun on her heel and hurried out the door.
She had to go somewhere. She had to go anywhere that wasn't there. Only as soon as she got out to the sidewalk she realized she didn't know where to go. He had convinced her to move out of the storage unit she had been living in and stay with him more. What he didn't know was that she still had it, and two more like it, but suddenly she didn't want to go there. She knew it would be empty and cold in comparison to how she had been living in recent years. She wanted warmth. She wanted warmth and love, and she knew in that instant where to go.
***
"Parker?" Sophie's eyes were full of immediate concern when the door opened. "Parker, what is it? What's wrong?"
Parker opened her mouth to say it, but she didn't know how. She had never been one to define what she and Hardison had, so how could she give words to it ending? Her lips moved silently for a bit before she clamped them shut and shook her head. Sophie reached for her, and when that touch connected with Parker's skin she couldn't hold back. She fell into Sophie and gripped on hard, still holding in those tears the best she could manage.
Sophie wrapped her arms around the girl and hugged her close. "Ssssh, it's okay. Whatever it is, it will be okay."
"No it won't," she murmured in reply. Her eyes squeezed shut and she buried her face in Sophie's shoulder. She wasn't going to say it. Not yet. She couldn't. She couldn't say that the only person who wanted her didn't want her anymore. She just wanted to hide it. Push it all back in. Bury all of those feelings that she had once been able to ignore.
For the first time in many years, she wanted to be that girl again. That girl that was made all wrong and who didn't know what all of this felt like. Maybe that girl had been the smartest one of all.
849